by Beth Rinyu
“Yeah, he’s fine.” She bit her lip and stared up at me and I could have sworn that her eyes were beginning to fill with tears.
“Carrie, what is it?”
She shook her head and looked away. “It’s just – you’re too good for her Jason.” I widened my eyes. I knew how Carrie felt about Ashley but she never came out and actually said it to my face. “I – I have to go. Thanks for the ride.” She sighed deeply and got out of the car.
I sat in her parking lot for some time after she had gone inside. What was she trying to tell me just now? Was she feeling the same way about me that I was feeling about her? That thought was such a crazy one. She had just broken up with her longtime boyfriend, of course her emotions were going to be all over the place. But as I sat there staring at the front door of her apartment, I knew that my feelings were only focused in on one thought; I was in love with her. I had always been in love with her and never wanted to admit it. For the past year and a half, Brett had been that buffer that kept me from acting on those feelings, but now that he was gone it was going to be impossible to keep them at bay.
Ashley was waiting for me on my front porch when I got home. She called me to let me know her big work emergency had been cancelled and she wasn’t too happy to hear I’d taken Carrie home. I knew she was pissed before I even reached her.
“Hey,” I said, approaching her warily.
“So, you had to be her knight in shining armor once again,” she snapped.
“What’s the big deal, Ashley? You said you had to go back into work and I didn’t want that guy giving her a ride home.”
“Why?” She raised her eyebrow. “Is it because you were afraid he might take her home and have sex with her?” I shook my head and looked away. “I saw how jealous you got when you saw him with her.”
“Whatever, Ashley. I’m tired, and I have to be up early tomorrow. I’m not getting into this with you now.”
“Did you sleep with her when you were in Houston?”
If there was one thing about Ashley, she was to the point. “What? No!” Actually, I had, but something told me she wasn’t asking me that question in the literal sense.
“I can’t believe we’re back here, again. She’s always going to be the sore spot in our relationship.”
“She’s always gonna be in my life, Ash.”
“Yeah, even more so now that Brett is out of the way.”
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know what to tell you anymore, Ashley. You put no effort into this relationship. Your job takes priority over everything and yet you fly off the handle when I even talk to Carrie.”
She lowered her jaw. “You flew halfway across the country to be with her after her boyfriend cheated on her! I’m sorry Jason, but that goes a little beyond being just friends!”
“Think what you want Ashley, but I know the truth. I never cheated on you.”
“You never cheated on me because Carrie always had Brett to stop you. But what happens now that he’s gone?”
I looked away, not wanting to admit she was right. What happens now? Do I finally come clean with exactly what I’ve been holding back all these years, or do I continue with the friendship route, yearning for her each time I was near her. Do I keep going through the motions, hoping things would get better between me and Ashley?
“I really don’t know.”
Her eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
“Ashley….” I looked down at her pleading eyes, not wanting to hurt her, but needing to be honest with her as well as myself.
“I’m in love with Carrie.”
She briefly closed her eyes and nodded. “Well, I certainly appreciate your honesty.” She ran her hand along my cheek and pulled me into a deep kiss, taking me totally off guard. “Can we please just have one last time together before I go?”
I quickly pulled away. She was unbelievable. I just told her I was in love with someone else and her reaction was this? I knew Ashley liked to use sex as a weapon but this made no sense. “Ashley what the hell? I just told you I’m in love with someone else and all you can think about is having sex?”
“Yes. I want you to remember what you’ll be missing. The things Carrie will never do for you,” she snapped.
“You need to go.”
“Why? Is it because you’re afraid you might give in to what your body is feeling right now or because you know she will never be able to make you as happy in the bedroom as me?”
I shook my head. “You are sick, you know that? Why don’t you try having a little respect for yourself?”
“Whatever, Jason! Sorry, we all can’t be as perfect as you,” she began to cry and I felt like shit for being the cause of it.
She stepped down off the porch and got into her car, backing out of the driveway and driving out of site. I stood there for a while, trying to recount what the hell had just happened. Ashley had gone through a whole gamut of emotions within minutes. I was feeling pretty shitty but not because our relationship was over. I knew it was a long time coming, I just wished no one had to get hurt in the process. My feelings for Carrie were out there. I was finally owning them. Now I just had to work up the courage to admit them to her and hope she was feeling the same way.
Chapter 19
Carrie
Listening to some of my patient’s problems throughout the week really helped to put mine into perspective. My boyfriend may have cheated on me, but at least I wasn’t battling an addiction or dealing with an eating disorder. I wasn’t grieving over the loss of a loved one or battling with the scars of a broken childhood. So, all in all, I was lucky. I had a great support system in my family, and deep down inside, I wondered if Brett cheating on me was for the best. I finally found the strength to text him back, asking him to please stop texting and calling me and that I would be in touch if and when I was ever ready to talk to him. I hadn’t talked to Jason since the night at the bar. I hated that I was avoiding him just because I felt that I couldn’t tell him the truth. I had thought about it all week; the look on his face when I told him that he deserved better than Ashley. I was hoping that maybe he would’ve picked up on what I was trying to get through to him, but how could he? He had no clue that Ashley was seeing one of the counselors at my work and even if he did, the last thing he’d expect me to do was to stoop so low and peek into someone’s file. I tried to get it out of my mind, but I felt like I was betraying him with each day that passed and each day that he was still with that cheating bitch.
After a very long week of work, I was thankful that the weekend was here again. I was looking forward to spending my Friday night hanging out with Gia and her new man. I was running around my apartment, trying to find my other earring just as the doorbell rang. I scanned the clock on the microwave as I whizzed by the kitchen to grab the front door. My stomach dropped when I looked through the peephole and saw Jason standing on the other side.
“Hey.” I managed a smile as I flung the door open and let him in.
“Bad time?” he asked as he took a step in.
“Oh, no. I was just headed to the train station. I’m hanging with Gia tonight.”
He nodded and stared down at me. “Can I just talk to you for a sec?”
“Yeah, sure.” I led him over to the couch.
“Carrie, Ashley and I broke up.” He blurted out.
I was hoping that I heard him right because if so, I had just dodged a major bullet. The word that I was trying to get out was ‘sorry’ but I just couldn’t get it to roll off my tongue because I wasn’t sorry. I was happy. Happy that Jason would be spared knowing the truth about what that bitch was doing behind his back and happy that I wouldn’t violate my work ethic to tell him, and most of all happy that he was no longer with her.
“Oh, ummm –”
“You don’t have to say you’re sorry, Carrie. I know you’re secretly cheering inside.” He smiled for the first time since he had arrived.
“What? I – well, I am sorry, Jason, sorry for you, if you’re upset over it, but I
’m not sorry that she’s out of your life. You deserve better.” He was silent for a moment, and I was hoping I didn’t offend him with what I had just said. He nodded and looked like he wanted to reply, but couldn’t get the words out. “Hey, do you have plans for tonight?” I asked.
“Nope.”
“Do you want to hang out in the city with Gia and me?”
“Umm….yeah. That sounds like a plan.”
“Cool.”
His smile took me back to my junior year in high school, the first time I ever realized just how adorable he really was and why every girl was in love with him. He now had another girl to add to that list, even though I knew I was secretly at the top of it ever since the first time he had ever spoken to me.
***
"So, where are we meeting them?" Jason asked as we stepped off the train.
"American Whiskey…ever been there?”
“Nope.”
“Me neither. It’s on 30th Street so we can just walk there.”
“Okay, cool." I looked down when I felt his fingers intertwining with mine. "Don't want anyone to kidnap you," he teased.
"My hero!" I teased back as we walked out of Penn Station and down 34th Street hand-in-hand.
When we arrived at the restaurant, I immediately spotted Gia, sitting all by herself in the bar area. "So where's Mr. Dreamboat?" I asked, leaning down and giving her a kiss.
She smiled widely. "Oh, he's running a little late at work." She looked up and giggled.
"Jason!" Gia shrieked, as she finally noticed him standing there.
“What’s up?” he asked.
She stood on her tippy toes and grazed his cheek. “Ashley allowed you out tonight?” she teased.
He rubbed the side of his face and cleared his throat. “Oh…..ummm, we broke up.”
“Ohhh!” Gia’s smile widened and I knew exactly what was going through her mind when she raised her eyebrow at me. I shook my head at her when Jason wasn’t looking, wanting to get any of those thoughts out of her mind.
In the hour and a half that we spent waiting for Jasper to arrive, we laughed, we drank, and we laughed some more. When Gia pulled herself together and focused on the handsome man approaching us, I knew the fun was over, and we had to try and be a little mature. But after several drinks, I knew that might be hard to do.
She stood up and looped her arms around his neck, placing a gentle kiss on his lips. “Oh, Jasper, this is Jason.” He extended his hand to Jason and shook it. “And you remember my sister, Carrie?”
“Of course I do.” He lifted my hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on top. My stomach tingled a little bit when I heard his accent once again. Yes, he was definitely hot, and I could see why Gia was so smitten with him.
We sat down to dinner and I was finding that besides being incredibly good-looking, Jasper also knew how to keep up a conversation. Okay, maybe quite a bit of years between them and a few kids on his end wasn’t so bad after all. Gia actually looked happy with him; not bored like she normally did with most guys she dated. I could tell she was dying to be alone with him once we were done eating, so I gave her an out.
“So, Jas, are you ready to head back.”
“Yeah, if you are.”
“Oh, well, I was going to go back to Jasper’s. You guys can crash at my place if you want.”
“Oh no, I’ve got to be someplace early tomorrow morning,” Jason responded before I could. We got up and said our goodbyes. Gia and Jasper couldn’t get out of there quick enough and knowing my sister, I knew exactly what she had on her dessert menu.
“So, he seemed pretty nice,” I said as Jason and I walked down the crowded street.
He shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, he was pretty cool.”
“Well, not everyone can be as awesome as you.” I stopped walking and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. “I’m not really ready to go home yet, are you?”
“Shall we?” he asked, gesturing to the Irish pub that we were standing by.
“Sounds good to me!”
We went inside and as the drinks began to go down easier, the questions I had been dying to ask began rolling from my tongue.
“So, where do you have to be in the morning?”
“Oh, a benefit softball game. Police Department against the Fire Department. It’s to raise money for this little boy in town who was diagnosed with cancer.”
“Oh wow. What time and where?”
“Nine, at Community Park.”
“Cool! I’ll be there.”
He glanced down at the drink in my hand. “You sure about that?” He chuckled.
“Positive!” After taking another sip of my drink and mustering up a little more liquid confidence, the question I had been dying to ask finally found its way out. “So, why did you guys break up?”
“Umm…just a lot of things.”
He raked his hand through his hair, looking a little uncomfortable with that question. “Okay, just tell me if I’m hot or cold?”
“Okay.” He smiled and let out a slight laugh.
“Was it because you flew out to Houston last weekend?”
“Pretty warm.”
“Ah-ha…. I knew it.”
“No, actually it was more than just that. It was a long time coming. I don’t know. We just really didn’t have anything in common anymore.”
“Well, I’m sorry, Jason.” He shook his head and laughed. Clearly, I wasn’t coming across as believable as I hoped. “It’s just….you deserve better than her.”
He took a sip of his beer. “I do,” he whispered. My stomach fluttered, and it wasn’t from the alcohol, it was from the intense gaze that he was burning into me. I swallowed hard, finally snapping out of it when Jason ordered me another drink.
***
Jason
I should have stopped Carrie from drinking a while ago, but we were having a great time. She was opening up to me about things we never talked about before, and I found myself opening up to her as well. I wanted to tell her the real reason Ashley and I had broken up. But I didn’t think in a bar full of people and being a little buzzed was the right time or place to tell her I was in love with her. I was totally sobered up by the time we got off the train. Carrie was not. She grabbed onto my arm and I guided her through the parking lot of the train station and into my car. She rested her head on the seat and was silent during the drive back to her place. By the time I had pulled into her apartment complex she was dead asleep. I walked around to her side of the car and gathered her in my arms. She placed her arms around my neck and rested her head on my shoulder while I fumbled with my keys trying to find the one she had given me to her apartment.
“What’s going on?” she asked, lifting her head from my shoulder once we were inside.
“Nothing. You’re drunk and going to bed,” I replied, walking into her bedroom.
“Jason, do you think I’m pretty?” she slurred as I placed her down on her bed.
“Yes, Carrie, I think you’re beautiful.”
“Are you just saying that because you’re my friend?” I pulled down her comforter and tapped on her bed for her to get under, realizing she still had her shoes on.
“Carrie, take your shoes off first.” I bent down to help her out.
She took my face in her hands. “You are so handsome, you know that? In fact, you’re the most handsome guy I know.” I couldn’t help but chuckle, she was even cuter than her normal self when she was drunk.
“Thank you, Carrie.”
Not only was she cuter when she was drunk she was also a lot stronger, realizing this after she pinched my cheeks so hard they felt numb. She pulled my head closer and kissed me hard, and I found myself kissing her back just as eagerly. My hands slid under her shirt, reaching underneath her bra. She began to kiss my neck and as hard as it was, I finally came to my senses and stopped myself. I wanted her so bad but not like this. If we were to take that next step, I didn’t want to do it when one of us was drunk.
“Carrie,
lay down and go to sleep.”
She nodded and crawled under the covers, resting her head on the pillow. “Jason, I’m not sorry you broke up. I’m happy.” Her sleepy voice was fading fast. Alcohol was always like a truth serum for Carrie. She would always divulge what she was burying deep inside when she was drunk. I pulled the blanket over her and kissed her on the cheek.
“Good night drunkie,” I teased.
“Love ya, Jason,” she whispered.
“Love ya, too.” She closed her eyes while I stood in the doorway staring at her a little longer than I should have before heading out the door.
Chapter 20
Carrie
I lifted my head from my pillow at the sound of the text message coming through on my phone.
Jason: It’s 9:15 sleeping beauty…. you’re missing my awesome skills on the field. I’ll call ya later. Hope you’re sleeping it off.
Shit! I promised Jason I’d be there this morning. I could do this after a shower and a huge cup of coffee…..I could definitely pull this off.
After showering, I slipped into my comfy mini skirt, a tank top, and my favorite flip-flops. I pulled my wet hair back and was out the door.
I was only forty minutes late when I pulled into the rec field and that was after stopping off at Dunkin Donuts to get a cup of coffee. The hot morning sun was already beating down, for once the weathermen were right when they said it was going to be a scorcher. I looked at each seat of bleachers, wondering which side was for the Police and which side was for the Fire. When I saw a few women with Stafford PD T-shirts on, I assumed I was on the right side. I immediately spotted Jason standing on the other side of the fence, talking to some guy. His back was toward me, and I scolded myself for not being able to take my eyes off his cute little butt in his baseball pants as I moved closer.
“Nice butt!” I blurted out, causing him and the guy he was talking with to turn around. “Oh, I meant him.” I pointed to Jason, feeling my face starting to burn with embarrassment.
The man’s smile widened. Actually his wasn’t too bad, either. “Figures. He gets all the beautiful women.”
