by Dawn Goodwin
‘Not today. It’s Tuesday. She doesn’t do anything on a Tuesday.’
‘Okay, can you just go and check the netball courts for me quickly though please?’ My voice now had an edge to it. ‘Meet me in the office. I’ll go and check her classroom in case she forgot something and had to go back.’
Jack headed off around the back of the block of classrooms to the left and I walked briskly to the right, flinging open the door to the building and taking the stairs two by two until I was in Lily’s year group base. It was empty apart from one teacher clearing up the debris from an arts and crafts station.
‘Hi, Mrs Ludlow, have you seen Lily? I can’t find her in the courtyard.’
‘I haven’t, sorry. They were let out a few minutes early. Perhaps try the office. Someone may have sent her on an errand.’
‘Thank you,’ I said over my shoulder, already heading back down the stairs. My heart was a drum thudding against my ribcage as panic took over. What ifs shouted in my ears as I rushed to the office.
Jack was waiting for me. ‘She’s not there,’ he said.
I tried to steady my breathing, but I was gulping in great mouthfuls.
‘Maybe she’s waiting outside the gate?’ he said carefully.
‘Yes, yes, good idea.’
‘Can I help?’ the school secretary said from behind the counter.
‘I, er… I’m just looking for my daughter. She hasn’t come out yet and it’s not like her to be this late,’ I said, looking around.
‘Okay, well, we can help you search the grounds if need be’
‘Let me check the quad again and outside to see if she’s waiting there.’
‘If not, come straight back and we will find her together.’ The woman smiled calmly.
I rushed through the door and back outside. The quad was now empty and the caretaker was starting to close the school gates for the day. I grabbed Jack by the hand and rushed over to him.
Someone has taken her. Someone has taken my little girl.
I grabbed the caretaker by the arm, ignoring his shock at the sudden physical contact. ‘Excuse me, have you seen—’
‘Mum,’ Jack interrupted.
‘Wait, Jack,’ I snapped back.
‘But, Mum, she’s with a woman over there. They’re walking away.’ Jack was pointing down the street.
‘What?’ I turned and could see two figures heading into the distance, but panic was clouding my vision and I couldn’t tell if it was Lily or not. ‘Are you sure it’s her?’
I was still holding the caretaker’s arm. ‘Are you okay, miss?’ he asked cautiously.
‘Jack, stay here. Do not move.’ I took off down the street, my feet slapping against the pavement and my breathing thin. I could see the pair Jack had pointed out and as I drew closer, I recognised Lily’s bright pink rucksack on her back. The woman walking with her was tall and wearing dark blue chinos and some sort of blazer. She had something yellow clutched in her hand, bright against her dark clothes. I sped up, fear and anger fuelling my feet.
‘Hey, you! Stop!’ I roared.
I ignored the curious glances around me, my eyes trained only on the pair in front. They turned and Lily broke into a wide grin, which melted into a frown as she saw the state I was in.
‘Lily!’
‘Mum, what’s wrong?’
I grabbed her and pulled her into a vice-like hug, then looked up at the woman who had taken her.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’
Viola smiled calmly back at me. ‘Well, I was looking for you.’
‘But why did you take Lily?’
She frowned above her smile. ‘I didn’t take her. Let’s leave the melodrama for the writing, shall we? I came to your house to speak to you, but you weren’t in and I remember you telling me about school being really close by, so I thought I would walk over here and see if I could catch you on your way home. It’s such a lovely afternoon, after all. And I saw Lily, waiting patiently. She thought she’d missed you, so I offered to walk her home.’ She then fluttered a hand to her chest. ‘I’m sorry, did we give you a fright?’ The hand held the scrap of yellow velvet that I had seen in her handbag. Something lurched in my brain again.
I felt like I had stopped breathing altogether, light-headed as shock took over from the panic. ‘I… Jack and I… Jack!’
I turned and could see Jack in the distance, still standing with the caretaker where I had left him.
‘Jack! Come here!’ I bellowed. He started to jog towards us.
‘Mum? Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?’ Lily asked.
I couldn’t get my thoughts in order. Viola? Here? Taking Lily? No, a misunderstanding. She was trying to help. I wanted to weep with relief – and slap Viola hard. Jack came up before I could do either.
‘Shall we head back to yours? I would love a cup of tea,’ Viola said, as though nothing unusual had just occurred.
‘Mum?’ Lily asked again, trepidation making her head tilt.
‘I’m okay. I just… I was worried, that’s all. I couldn’t find you.’ I took hold of Lily and Jack’s hands firmly and starting walking, not trusting myself to speak to Viola yet.
‘It is such a beautiful afternoon, isn’t it? Can we call it an Indian summer, do you think? I may need to remove my jacket,’ Viola wittered as we walked. The scrap of material was no longer clenched between her fingers. Had I imagined that?
I concentrated on slowing my pulse and letting go of the urge to grab Viola by the hair and throw her to the pavement.
Just a misunderstanding. You’ve jumped to conclusions.
‘How’s Nana?’ Lily asked in a quiet voice.
‘She’s fine, princess. She’s just the same.’
‘And Bert?’ Jack asked.
I smiled at them both. ‘Also just the same. A bit too chunky though, I have to say.’
Viola pushed her way into the conversation. ‘Is that your grandad?’
‘No, it’s my nana’s bulldog. He’s really silly and lazy,’ Lily replied.
‘I have a dog. A greyhound called Milo.’ Viola continued. I bristled at every word, my reunion with my children ruined. Why was she even here?
Lily’s eyes lit up. She loved animals of all kinds and had already voiced the ambition to be a vet one day. ‘What’s he like?’ She let go of my hand and moved to walk next to Viola.
‘He’s very sensible, quite a serious dog, but greyhounds tend to be. Very beautiful and graceful.’
‘Our dog, Bo, is not sensible. He’s loopy,’ Jack contributed.
Viola laughed. ‘He is indeed. He’s a lot more bouncy and excitable than Milo.’
The three of them chatted casually about dogs as we neared the house, but I kept silent, working everything over in my head. Viola had her hand on Lily’s shoulder and it bothered me. I wanted to swat it away. Had I told Viola where the children went to school? I couldn’t remember doing so, but lately my brain had been all over the place. I wasn’t sure what I had said the last time I’d seen her because I was stressed about her being in my house first and foremost. She had been asking a lot of questions.
As we reached the house, I unlocked the door and the kids rushed in, shrugging off coats and abandoning them where they fell, kicking off shoes and tossing bags aside. In the space of five seconds, the hallway was in happy disarray. Viola stepped over the discarded items to follow them inside, uninvited.
I was taken aback, but swallowed it down. ‘Sorry, they just dump their stuff where it falls. I wish they wouldn’t, but that’s kids for you,’ I said in a low voice.
‘I wouldn’t know,’ she tossed over her shoulder at me.
Jack and Lily headed straight into the lounge and turned on the television. I hadn’t composed myself enough to object to the intrusion of CBBC yet.
I smiled tightly and closed the door. ‘Go through to the kitchen.’
She walked ahead of me, her head swivelling from side to side, taking everything in, just as she had the last t
ime. The house wasn’t as tidy now. I had dumped my overnight bag on the stairs when I got home earlier and Paul hadn’t lifted a finger to clear up after himself while I was away. Abandoned cups, dirty plates and open envelopes graffitied every surface.
‘Excuse the mess,’ I said, but I found I didn’t care what she thought. If she had invited herself in, then she had to take us as we were.
‘Nonsense. It’s a home that looks like it’s lived in.’
In the kitchen I flung open a cupboard door and banged two mugs onto the counter. I had to say something, get this knot of anxiety and anger out of my chest before it asphyxiated me. ‘You should’ve told me you were coming – and you should never have taken Lily like that.’
‘Oh Katherine, I didn’t take her. You make it sound like I was walking off with her or something. We’re friends, aren’t we?’
Something about the way she said that made me think of the silky smooth voice of Kaa, the snake in The Jungle Book, and a shiver ran through me.
‘Having said that,’ she continued, ‘you really should speak to Lily about willingly going with strangers. I said I was a friend of yours and she didn’t need much persuasion.’
I really didn’t want parenting advice from Viola right now. My fingers gripped the teabag so tightly that my nails pierced the thin paper and the tea leaves sprinkled onto the counter.
‘Why are you here, Viola?’ My voice was a low rumble as I swept the debris into my palm and dumped it in the bin before taking a new teabag from the caddy.
‘Well, I have some news.’ I watched her as she sat at the table, crossing her legs sedately and clasping her hands in front of her, looking very pleased with herself. I rummaged in the cupboard for a packet of biscuits or something I could offer with the tea, anything to keep my hands busy and mask the angry trembles.
‘Mum, I’m hungry!’ Jack called from the lounge.
I looked back at Viola. ‘Excuse me a moment.’ I grabbed two bags of crisps, noting the annoyance that flitted across Viola’s face. I paused in the hallway, out of sight of my guest, and pressed my forehead to the wall, taking a couple of deep, steadying breaths. Feeling moderately more in control of my emotions, I went into the lounge to give Jack and Lily the crisps and returned to the kitchen to find Viola making the tea.
‘I’m being insensitive. You’ve had a bit of a shock and I haven’t given you two minutes to recover yet. I apologise. I can see how it must’ve looked. Here, sit down and drink this.’
‘Thank you.’
Viola could change direction with dizzying speed and it was disorienting – but then I was easily thrown these days. Most of the time I felt like I was juggling my emotions like grenades and if I dropped one, then the others would explode too.
I sat in the chair next to her, pulling the mug into my palms and enjoying the heat against my cold fingers. ‘Thanks,’ I repeated.
Stop being so bloody polite to her, Kathy! My mother’s voice rang in my ears.
I took a sip of the tea, but it was too soon and the liquid scalded the roof of my mouth. I inhaled sharply.
‘So as I was saying,’ Viola continued, ‘I have some news that I think you will find exciting.’ She paused for dramatic effect, but I said nothing, merely watched her over the rim of the mug. If she was expecting a reaction, she didn’t let on. ‘I’ve read your manuscript and I would like to offer you representation.’
The silence stretched between us.
‘As your agent,’ she added unnecessarily.
‘But I emailed you to say I wasn’t interested in publication any longer.’
‘Yes, yes, I know, but now that I’ve read it, I think it is a terrible waste not to pursue it. It’s fantastic, full of imagery, moving, gripping. I think we could secure you a multi-book deal with the right publisher – and you deserve it. I’ve talked it over with Sam and he agrees. You’ve put so much work into it that it would be a shame to just shove it in a drawer and forget about it.’
I looked down into my mug, conflicted.
‘Sam agrees?’
‘Yes, he’s thrilled with how it’s turned out.’
I could feel my heart racing and joy flooding up my legs at the recognition that I was good enough after all, but it wrestled with the annoyance I felt towards Viola, as well as trepidation at what this meant going forward. However, this was what I had been waiting to hear all my life and I smiled despite myself.
‘Can I ask why you don’t want to be published?’
How could I explain it to her? That my husband was convinced I wouldn’t be able to cope? That putting myself into the public eye could potentially open a box that I had worked hard to seal for over a decade? The last time I had to face it all, I didn’t cope very well – and now I had my children to consider. I couldn’t let them see me in that state if it happened again, if the truth was laid bare in the newspapers for a second time. I had to make sure that never happened.
‘I just… with the children and everything, it’s just not the right time. They still take up so much of my energy that pursuing a career now would be selfish. And Paul needs me here.’
‘But you’ve done the hard part. Writing it is the hard part! After that, it’s a case of a few suggested changes, a bit of marketing, which we could handle for you, and then you could take your time writing the next one. There would be no pressure – we would make sure of that.’ She sat forward and took hold of one of my hands, unclenching it from the mug, and stared earnestly into my eyes. Her skin was cold but smooth, like marble. ‘Don’t pass up this golden opportunity. This is your time.’
‘I don’t know.’ I pulled my hand from her grasp. ‘I have to consider my family and the impact on them. You don’t have kids. You don’t understand.’
Viola pushed to her feet abruptly and turned her back on me. ‘No, I don’t, but if I did, I know I would want them to be proud of my achievements and to be inspired by me.’ Viola was ringing her hands together vigorously. She seemed really fervent about all of this. Then she stopped and spun around. ‘Are you worried about what people will think, how they will react? Criticism comes with the territory, but if it makes you feel better, we could publish under a pseudonym.’ Her eyes were alight, almost manic.
‘Um, I kind of already use one.’
‘You do?’
I chewed my lip. ‘My real name is Katie Hayes. Katherine Baxter was my maiden name.’
‘Oh, right.’ Something flitted across Viola’s features, almost like a smirk. She sat down again and watched me closely. ‘I can see you’re struggling with this, so how about I give you some time to think it over. Sam and I will both be at the London apartment on Friday evening. I’m leaving him alone all week to write and I’m hoping he will have made up some ground by then. Why don’t you have dinner with us? You were planning to come to see us anyway and I know Sam wants to talk it over with you. He can explain better than I what you can expect going forward. No strings; just dinner.’ She stood and moved to go, before adding, ‘Besides, it’s your decision entirely. There will always be other debut authors for me to represent.’
My heart fluttered at the idea of being replaced, but then fluttered some more at the idea of telling Paul that this was what I wanted to do. I could tell him I was taking the laptop back, then talk it over with Sam first before I made a decision.
Viola was waiting for an answer.
‘Okay, that’s sounds like a good idea. I’ll join you for dinner.’
‘Excellent! In that case, I will leave you to your afternoon and will see you on Friday evening. Would 7 p.m. suit?’
‘Sure,’ I smiled and got to my feet to follow her to the door.
She leaned into the lounge as she passed. ‘Bye Jack, bye Lily. Lovely to see you today.’ They didn’t look up from the television to acknowledge her. ‘Such lovely kids,’ she said to me and I thought I detected a hint of sarcasm.
I said goodbye and closed the door firmly on her before letting out a breath. I resisted the sudden urge to p
ull the chain across too. The air had a perverse quality to it, like I was trapped in a surreal parallel dimension. I walked into the lounge and peered through the wooden shutters. Viola was standing on the other side of the street staring at the house and smiling. Then she climbed into a dark-coloured car and drove off.
As I watched the car pull away, I felt a smile reach across my own mouth.
Unexpectedly, I had to leave the room and rush upstairs as a wave of tears took me by surprise. I was shaking, but the tremors couldn’t dislodge the grin. I had an agent offer. I needed to tell someone – but who would understand? I couldn’t tell Paul yet and Helen wasn’t really on my side in this either. I sat on my bed, feeling the satisfying sink of the mattress, and picked up the handset from the bedside table. My fingers were still shaking, but I managed to press the numbers in the right order.
It rang for a while as always, but I knew she would answer.
‘Hello?’
‘Mam? It’s me.’
‘Kathy?’
‘Yes. How’s things?’
‘Oh, you know… same as yesterday. So why are you ringing? Did you get home all right? You were gone when I got up.’ The accusation weighed heavy in her voice.
‘I said I was leaving early. Anyway, I just… I have some news.’ I felt the truth like a cork in my throat.
‘You’re not pregnant again, are you? Was that why you came to visit me?’
‘No, nothing like that.’
‘Oh, right. So what is it then?’
Suddenly I didn’t want to share this with her after all. She wouldn’t understand either and probably wouldn’t be as proud of me as I desperately wanted her to be.
‘I…’ I could hear Bert snuffling in the background. ‘How’s Bert?’
‘He’s all you ask about! What about asking how my hip is?’
I sighed and rubbed my forehead. My euphoria was dissolving rapidly. ‘I did ask how you were. You didn’t say it was still bothering you and you seemed fine yesterday.’
‘I divvent like to complain when I don’t get to speak to you very often. Truth is, it’s excruciating these days. I struggle to get up and down the stairs. I sleep down here in my chair most nights now.’
