by Anyta Sunday
“Have you, ah, talked to him about it?” I asked finally. “We sort of—No I skirt around the issue. He wanted to talk about it more last night, but I sort of freaked and changed topic.” Syd’s face had gone red in embarrassment.
“I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want it to ruin what we could have. Which I believe would be something really amazing. But I’m afraid my fear is very unattractive. And how can it not be? He probably thinks I don’t accept him entirely—and who would want to be with someone who thought that?”
Limbs in working order again, I stood up and gave Syd a hug. “You’re being a bit hard on yourself. You’ve only known him how long, a week? Just over?” He nodded, his chin bouncing on my shoulder. “Well, maybe just take things slowly. Get yourself used to the idea. And when you’re ready, talk to him about it, yeah?”
He gave me a small squeeze and thanked me. “How about a game?” I asked, rubbing my hands.
Syd grabbed one and we played. I made sure to lose most of the games in an effort to make him feel better, but on the end few, where I did play to win, Syd beat me anyway. I laughed. So much for trying to lose.
“Hey Shane?” “Mmmm?” I dropped the controls on the couch between us.
“Maybe… Would you meet him? I—I want to show him he means something to me. I thought introducing him to my friends…”
I was touched. The gesture would be sweet to Lucas, but it meant something to me too. That confirmation from him of our friendship made me feel the lightest I had all day— scrap that, all week. “Yeah, man. Of course.” Then after a pause I added, “It’s a shame we never worked out. How much simpler life would be, right?”
“Maybe. I’m hoping love is worth the hassle.” Syd laughed lightly. “We’ll see.” He waited a moment, searching my face. “You know you’re going to have to tell me about it sometime.”
“About what?” Syd shrugged. “You tell me.”
Not now, but soon. Sometime soon.I jumped up from the couch. “Let thes go get some chocolate milkshake.”
*** When the library shut for the night, I traipsed across campus to the dorms. It’d been hard to focus on my work, thoughts of Trey, June and Syd circling my mind. After talking with Syd this afternoon, I felt an extra layer of worry cloaked over me. I felt so, so sick. Eating was difficult and, I —ah—had to make myself throw up to feel a little better again.
Now the fresh air on my face helped a bit, but I knew nothing was going to get properly better until I talked to June. As if she sensed my need—I mean, we were twins why wouldn’t she?—she was sitting with her back to my room, waiting for me. Okay, well I assumed it was me since Trey had been with her all this time.
Staring into the distance, she didn’t seem to see me approach. Her puffy eyes worried me and I dropped to a crouch. “June? Are you okay?”
She snapped out of her reverie and focused on me, a hard and pained look straining her sweet face. She pulled herself up, ignoring the offer of my hand. That simple action had my heart beating in triples. Bile swirled up my throat, my gut hurt. What had happened? “Come on inside, we can chat.”
Glancing into the room, she flinched. “Actually, I’d rather we talked back in my room. I can’t go in there right now.” Her hand shook as she flicked it in the direction of Trey’s bed.
I was really anxious now. “Okay, sure.” As soon as we got to her room and were alone—her roomie Sara was on a mountain climbing trip for two weeks —I met her gaze. “What’s happened, June?”
“We—we—we broke up,” she said, breaking into sobs. I reached out to bring her close to me, but she swatted my hands away and stepped back. “He said he thinks he might be gay.” I froze, immediately reflecting on how he’d pressed up against me, he’d definitely been aroused, and— “I knew. Deep down, I actually knew. I’m so stupid, so dumb.” She took a ragged breath and continued to spill her thoughts in a complicated web. But her emotion was evident. I wished she’d let me hold her and not push me away. “I feel like a part of me has disappeared. It’s hard that he still loves me. Can you believe he told me that?” Pointing to her ruffled bed sheets, she said, “Three days he held me and kept saying he’d try harder. That somehow he’d make it work between us again. That he’d ignore it. I told him not to bother.”
She wiped her streaming tears with the back of a hand. “But, and the worst bit is, a part of me is relieved. I never thought I’d think that. Never thought it would be the case. But—I’d been making so many excuses why he couldn’t sleep with me anymore. Weeks. Ever since that day you…”
That day I what?But she drifted off, now looking out her window. “It’s so hard, Shane. I want him to be happy, but I wanted it to be me to be the one to do that.”
She sighed and I took the opportunity to speak. “You did make him happy. He’s told you, he’s told me even that he loves you.”
“He really toldyou that?” June stopped sniffling and frowned. “He said he hopes in time I’ll forgive him and understand.” For a moment she met my eye, but it was brief. “I already have, but I don’t want to have so soon.”
I closed my eyes. My sister was the most loving person in the world. Her sensitivity, honesty, and the depth of which she felt things made her just so, so damn beautiful. This time when I pulled her toward me, I didn’t let her push me away. Finally, she rested her head on my shoulder and I sat on her bed, letting her snuggle on my lap. She was breathing more calmly now.
In an oddly calm voice she said, “He said he’s thought things… thought about…” My heart pumped fast and erratic. Every time she mentioned Trey I felt guilty and sad. As if every one of his thoughts that had turned him off my sister was something to do w r tith me.
June stopped talking, and for over half an hour I held her. Her hair caught in my fingers as she suddenly pulled away while I was stroking it. She met my eye, her expression serious. “I need you to do something for me, Shane. I need you to look after him.”
What? Whoa, no way— “He’s really upset. I told him I couldn’t have him here with me anymore. That I needed some space. I want to comfort him, but I can’t. And I think he needs someone to talk to about stuff.” She continued holding my gaze and as she said ‘stuff’ I saw a flicker in them, as if—did she know something? Was this her bringing the topic up? Should I tell her? Surely this was not the right time to bring it up, right?
“I don’t think I’m the best person—” “Shane. Please. You room with him. You’re able to keep an eye out.” No. The idea was to get away from him, not the opposite. I should just be honest with her. I would--“But June, sweets, I don’t feel right about it. There’s something I need to—”
She shook her head, warning me with her stare. “Don’t say it. I think I know. But I can’t handle learning it for sure.” What? What…How…Did sheknow,know? “It’s partly my fault, anyway.”
Her fault? What was she on about? “Nothing’s your fault, June. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, okay?” I lifted her chin, but she looked out the corner of her eyes. “You know you’re more than my brother, yeah?”
I held her tighter. “Yeah.” “I’d do anything for you too, you know.”
For a couple more hours I stayed with her, until my legs started cramping, and I was busting to go to the bathroom. Still, I could hold on a little longer. My gaze fell onto a framed family photo next to her bed. Mom, June and I together at the beach as young kids. “Hmmm.”
“What?” “I was just weighing up how much of a bad time this would be to tell you…” She looked at me expectantly, and I grinned. “…that Dad’s coming at the end of the month.”
June laughed. It was only a tenth of her usual enthusiasm, but it was something. “Actually, it might help change my focus of thought. It’s not much better, but any change is welcome.”
Chapter Nine
I CLIMBED INTO the car and shut the door, not saying a word to Trey as we drove back to the dorms after work. This had become the accepted routine. But shit it was weird, neither of us men
tioning the big frigging elephant in the room—ah, car. It was, hmmm, justbizarre.For the last two weeks he’d avoided me—doing a much better job of it than when it’d been me. I practically had the room to myself. Only on Tuesdays and Fridays did I see him. He still wanted to use the ride up home to visit his parents and to continue working.
And with the kids he was wonderful. Attentive, caring, and a blast. He’d not lost one ounce of his hero status. Even Paul thought he was quite something. Which was beginning to grate me the wrong way. How could he be so fantastic with the kids and not spare an ounce of it for me? Detect the jealousy? Yeah, well, reasoning against it was a waste of time.
As soon as we left Treewok elementary—actually as soon as we exited the gym doors—and headed back to ‘our reality’, he shut himself away, like a frightened turtle in its shell. Or… some better comparison. The fact was, while we sat only a couple of feet apart in the car, I missed him. Missed talking to him and getting to know who the real Trey was.
I pulled into the dorm parking lot, but all the spots had been taken and I had to roam the street until I found one underneath an oak and between a truck and SUV. It would be tight, but it’d fit. Placing my arm at the back of Trey’s head rest, I twisted to look overectO my shoulder, maneuvering the car slowly. Something soft tickled my wrist a quick glance confirmed it was Trey’s hair, poking through the gap in the headrest. A tingle swept through me and I botched up my first try getting in. The second time, I held my hand lower and managed it in one go.
As I clambered out of the car, Trey checked out the park and gave an appreciative nod.
“Nice yeah?” I said, wanting to take advantage of the window, small as it was. Trey stared at me as I rounded to the pavement. In the dusky evening, his usually sharp angles softened. For a moment our eyes connected and I wasn’t sure whether I was flying or sinking. Or was it both?
Something brushed my arm, and I glimpsed a fall leaf fluttering toward the gutter. When I lifted my gaze once more, Trey stood closer, the beginnings of a smile on his lips. But the way he looked at me was as if he were daydreaming, a sheen in his eyes. With a deep breath, I inhaled his scent, a mix of body wash and aftershave, and —was it a hint of roasted chestnut? I wasn’t sure, but whatever it was, it smeltfiiiiine.
Swinging my bag in front of me for, well, obvious reasons, I veered toward Trey’s right, but he stopped me before I could pass. “Just a sec, man.” He reached out and touched my hair. Where the heck did that come from? What was happening? And most of all: where was the freaking script?
“Uhhh,” I said, like an idiot. I wished I hadn’t uttered a sound, because it snapped him out of his—well, whatever it was—and he dropped his hand.
“It was a leaf,” he grunted, showing it to me as if to prove nothing had been going on. I didn’t buy it, but since I actually had no idea what reallywasgoing on, I shrugged.
Once we got back to the dorm I expected Trey to disappear again, but today he huddled up in his pillows and flicked on a movie.
As I prepared myself to go out—I was to meet Lucas for the first time tonight—I couldn’t help but sneak peeks at him. I was so God damn curious what was going on in that head of his. How was he coping with the break up? Did he think about things the way I did, and also wish he hadn’t? Did he feel ripped up and confused? Did he wish we weren’t roomies anymore?
Nervously, I stripped to my boxers. I’d finally taken to dressing in the room, although this was the first time doing it with Trey around. It’d been quite handy having him absent. But whatever, right? Just get dressed. I slipped on a pair of jeans, my back to Trey. As I did up the buttons, I glanced at him out the corner of my eye, expecting he’d have his eyes glued to the screen. My breath caught. One hundred percent, he was checking me out. And? I wanted to ask. Was I a seven? Eight? Nine?
I grabbed my t-shirt and pulled it on, and then moved to a small mirror on the back of our door, as I made sure my hair looked okay.
“Do you have a date tonight?” Trey asked, with—wait, was that an edge of panic in his tone? I was about to say ‘No, I’m just hanging with Syd and his boyfriend tonight’, but wasn’t this a great opportunity to clarify our boundaries? I mean, hell, I wanted to have him bad, and I was pretty sure he’d be into it too, but we both knew it wasn’t going to happen. We loved June too much. This way I’d be stating nothing was going to happen. And hey, maybe accepting that we could continue on as friends or something. No more weird silences and such. “Uh, yeah. I met him in my linguistics class.”
He moved his gaze back to the screen. “What’s his name?” “Uhh,” his head snapped back to me, one brow raised as if he’d caught me out in the lie.Not yet, you haven’t.“Ulrich.” “Uhhlrich, eh?” “Well, it was some German pronunciation. It sounded a bit like that. I’ll ask him about it tonight.”
“Okay. Also ask him what ‘du bist ein furchtbarer Lügner’ means.” “You sp Fy, bthe leak German?” “My father is half German. I can speak it alright.”
I continued staring at him, my mouth partially opened. The lamest responses came to mind, like ‘Oh, so you must get your slobbiness from your mother’s side.’ Thank God the words didn’t actually come out. “Can’tyoujust tell me what it means then?”
“Hmm…maybe. Later.” A large smile puffing his cheeks overwhelmed me, and I patted my clothes in distraction. Did I have everything? “Looking good, by the way,” he added, “Go knock him off his feet. Have fun!”
Why the hell was he beaming? Was he actually glad I had a date? “Ah, thanks,”I suppose,“I will.” Frowning, I grabbed my keys, put on my shoes and left. ***
We took my car out to meet Lucas at Syd’s request. He seemed nervous and jumpy the whole ride there and I couldn’t help but grin. I thought I had a pretty good idea why he didn’t want to take his own car.
“Okay, it’s just up there. Maybe grab that parking spot,” he said, jerking a finger toward his side. Our chosen place to meet Lucas was a gay-friendly café calledThe Buymebar.Having never been there before, I followed in after Syd. My first impression of the place was —ah—dingy.None of the furniture inside matched, lamps of varying shapes and sizes stood at each table, and small rather ugly sculptures worked as centerpieces. It was an interestingcollection, and with a strong seventies feel to it.
Once we wound our way past a foosball table and bookshelves filled with board games to a narrow hall lined with private booths, the place was kinda growing on me. Unlike other cafes I’d been in, there was something real about this one. It wasn’t pretentious, or try-hard, and it appealed to me.
“He said he’d be in…” Syd mumbled as he glanced at the numbers on the doors. “…ah-ha this is it, seventeen.” As Syd knocked, I stared at a painted picture of a guitar under the number. I wondered why each door had a picture on it. Maybe for the waiters? Or—
The door swung open, and who only could be Lucas—black hair, grey eyes, button nose, caramel skin—flashed a brilliant smile at Syd. He acknowledged me with a quick glance before leaning over and whispering to Syd, loud enough that I heard, “You don’t have to knock, darlin’.” Then he dragged Syd into the room and I—feeling a little like a third wheel, trundled in after.
Now the guitar on the door made sense. The private booth, actually it was more a room than a booth, had a whole heap of used guitars hanging up on the walls.
“And you must be Shane,” Lucas said, moving my attention away from a ukulele to him. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” “Same here,” I said, slipping onto the bench. Syd and Lucas sat on the opposite side. “So what is with this place anyway?”
Lucas leaned back and locked his hands behind his head as if he were home. “A few friends of mine run it. The concept is simple. Anything inside the café you can buy. So if you fancy this table, or the rug, or that—heck that’s a horrible lamp,” he shuddered slightly, “but if you like it, offer a price and you can take it.”
Hmmm. Not bad. Actually, it was a cool idea. “Does that go for the foosbal
l table out there, too?”
Syd chuckled. “Hey, I got my eyes on that one. Now what do we want to drink?” After we ordered and I was halfway through my iced coffee in a cup that, yes, I could also buy, the conversation turned from studies and favorites to languages.
“Syd said you can speak French and Spanish?” “Languages fascinate me,” Lucas said, “I’m thinking of doing a beginners course to Mandarin next semester.” The German phrase Trey had said earlier rolled in my mind. I wondered if he—“Do you know any German by chance?” “Um, yup, a bit anyway.” I almost laughe Fordeg over ad at Syd’s expression. ‘In awe’ didn’t seem to cut it. It rather reminded me of a love struck Mickey Mouse. I could almost see hearts swirling around his head.
Focusing back on Lucas, I asked, “What does ‘du bist ein fuctbar-something-or-rather Lugner’ mean?” “Furchtbarer Lügner?” “Yeah, that’s the one.” He chuckled. “It means ‘you’re a terrible liar.”
It took me a second to process it and then— that, that minx!—or whatever the male equivalent was. No wonder Trey’d seemed so cheery just before I left. He’d seen right through me. I internally scowled, but actually the fact he knew I wasn’t on a date sent a delicious shiver right down my middle.
Still in a daydream, I didn’t notice the topic of conversation had now turned to music. I brought myself back to the present, noting the excitement in Lucas’s tone as he described how he fell in love with The Smiths. I was right there with him, the group ranking in my top ten as well.
“And Syd told me you are in a band?” “I sing. And play a little guitar.”
“You sing beautifully,” Syd said, gazing at his mouth. Lucas noticed and before Syd could say anything, he was kissing him. It was sweet. I liked the way Lucas moved with urgency, as if Syd were the only thing that mattered—damn, I wanted that for myself. My mind flew to Trey. What would it be like to kiss him? To fuck him? To love him? I sighed quietly and looked away as Syd and Lucas pulled apart, both heavily breathing.
“Sorry Shane,” Lucas said, grabbing Syd’s hand and placing it on his inner thigh. Hmmm, either he didn’t know I could clearly see, or he didn’t care. “I just couldn’t hold back on that one.” Orthatone, it seemed.
