The gift Lacie and I have been given goes beyond who we are as people. We don’t carry it, but are within it. No matter where we are on Earth or what we are—student, guardian, daughter, Father, man, wife—we are love, and love keeps us.
As sure as God laid the stars in the sky for light, He laid love in me to make Lacie shine.
Grabbing clothes from my dresser, I shut my door quietly behind myself and head back outside with truth and confidence guiding every untied step of my jog.
Back inside Saint Casilida’s, the remaining fragrance of roses and faint, familiar scent of violets greets me like an air of assurance. When I turn from the entry hall, dipping my fingertips into the holy water there and requesting His blessing before stepping forward, my heart brims with beats made of divine strength for what my eyes find.
Wrapped in my shirt, Lacie sits on the edge of the altar with bare legs swinging slowly. Her feet sway nowhere near the floor, and the center of her chest glows the lightest pink beneath rosary beads and between open black cotton. She holds something I can’t make out in her lap, and when she sees me, kissed-dark lips smile high.
And my cup runneth over.
“You moved,” I say, lighting up with her as I approach, curious to see what she’s holding.
“Just a little,” she replies, playfully coy as she continues slowly moving her feet.
Then I see what’s in her hands, and my swelled heart beats so deliciously deep I swear I taste admiration like honey on the back of my tongue.
“Forgive me?” she asks sweetly, brushing each of her thumbs back and forth over the small white strip of fabric that’s set me apart and brought us together.
“Ego te absolvo,” I whisper just as I have through hundreds of confessions, forgiving all, and overcome with grateful, gratified pride.
The moment I’m close enough, I drop the clothes I brought and lay my hands on cherished little knees. With my collar in her left hand, Lacie reaches up, bringing my mouth to hers as she opens her legs to let me closer.
Her kiss is gentle, welcoming promises, and her skin under my shirt is supple heaven. For beats I can’t measure, I forget I left and returned to dress her. I slide my hands up her sides, reveling in the feel of small curves underneath vestments that have never served a holier purpose than they do on this girl.
Only when she parts our lips for a breath do I remember what I dropped at my feet, and I brush my touch upward, cupping her face under mine for a more chaste kiss before leaning up. She keeps her eyes on mine and my collar in her hands as I bend before her and reach for the pile of heather grey cotton. As I lift my sweats to her dangling feet, God’s softest gospel smiles.
Sweat pants are modest compared to what she deserves, and much too big, but they’re mine to give. Standing as I bring the clean fabric up her legs, I fall more in love with every inch of skin I cover.
“Come here,” I whisper against her cheek.
As I gather her to my chest, Lacie wraps her arms around my neck, and I lift her from the altar so I can bring grey cotton all the way up. She holds loosely to me as I set her feet carefully down, and fully aware of the weakness in her knees, I hold the front of my sweats up between little hipbones. I stroke circles along the small of her back with my other hand while she finds a sense of balance, and her heart thumps hard so near to my own.
I kiss her neck before bending further.
With her hands on my shoulders, I kneel and tug the drawstring tighter than I ever have. The bow I loop is generous, and heather grey all but swallows beloved light, and I love her this way.
Safe.
Held.
Perfect.
Resting my hands above the waistband, I brush my nose and lips across her belly where black clerical cotton is parted before I stand.
She takes my offered hand, and with her first step, she winces. It’s a tiny whimper folded inside a giggle, and echoes breathlessly back at us from the transept. Worship has made her sore with a fullness that won’t leave her for days, but joy comes through in a hum so clear it overrides the sting.
I can’t help but smile to know every step she takes sings my name, praising love so overwhelming God gave Himself to it.
Her hand in mine like a vow, Lacie walks slowly and gingerly along burgundy carpet and holds to me as I help her into socks and boots. We don’t let go as I retrieve her peacoat from the hook inside the confessional. I hold it open as she slides arms still bearing my shirt into satin lined sleeves, and fulfilled-love lit eyes find mine as I bring more warmth around her.
She breathes another demure giggle as I step closer, starting from the bottom and sliding shiny buttons through buttonholes. Her regard fills me with worth and significance as I pull each button through, and as I stand straight and reach for the last one, just under her chin, she turns her face up and rocks to her tiptoes for a kiss.
Taking two steps, I bend to pick up her discarded clothes, and she wobbles, leaning on a pew with strained stability.
I’m with her in an instant, holding her up, supporting all her small weight.
Wide, bashful eyes beam happy, helpless light up at me, and I draw her into my arms. Sweeping my left arm behind her, I dip my knees to gather the backs of hers under my right arm, and am rewarded with a delighted note as I lift her. She rests her head on my chest, and love courses in a living rhythm through and between us as I carry her toward the narthex, quiet footfalls harmonizing with faithful heartbeats.
As she rests against me, I fill my lungs with rose-tinged air. The first subtle sunbeams of dawn glow through stained glass as I tuck her endearingly disheveled crown under my chin. Lacie nestles more near, and I drink in the contact as we step over the threshold and stop in front of wide, oaken doors.
Turning sideways to push one open with my hip, I duck my head slightly as the sunrising sky greets us. Shades of smoky plum and dark blue blend with baby pink and burning coral, glorious and generous. The horizon is endless before us.
Most special to me shifts in my arms, and I set her feet down in the open doorway. She glances behind her, into to the church that’s flooded with today’s newborn light. My eyes follow hers, and for a moment, my throat feels tight with longing to stay here, inside His house.
But delicate fingers wrap around my older ones, and I face her. My heart pulses, rejoicing as she squeezes my hand and nods with the most serene smile.
I read in ardent eyes that we leave nothing behind here.
I won’t ever have to take a single step on this road without her either.
No place, no paper, no prayer or possession could contain the boundlessness of His greatest gift, shared.
United in Our Father’s favor, we carry infinite love within us just as we always have, fearlessly now, into a brand new day.
Acknowledgements
Thank you so much to Dr. Cambell for your invaluable help. Your care and insightful knowledge of Latin has brought new light to our words.
To Diana, Gina, Carla, Raina, Melissa, Ray, Heather, Sherry, Moses, Bunny, and Bishop for love and support in so many ways, that means the world to us. And to Ziggy for superhuman love and intuition. We love all of you.
To Jamie, Mandy, Sam, and Nicola for thoughtful and contagious enthusiasm. Thank you steadfast support through this and other endeavors. Thank you for sharing in our excitement throughout this whole process. Thank you to Mildred for that same support, plus extra help, and to Jac, too, for that same support and for being our very first congratulations the moment we completed this story.
To Ana Lisbeth for loving these two from the start and for squeaking with us every step of the way.
To Michelle for cheering love on with encouragement at so many turns. Thank you for faith that strengthens motivation and dedication. Thank you for assurance and reassurance, and for thoughtfulness that transcends miles.
To L.J. Anderson and Mayhem Creations for a cover we’re proud of and love so much. Thank you for your patience, creativity, and kindness.
; To Max and The Polished Pen for insight, diligence, meaningful criticism, and support that’s sturdied the love in this work. Thank you for being the first person we let in. Thank you for knowledge and swiftness and prudence, and for careful attention that is deeply cherished.
To Autumn for the warmest welcome we could have asked for. Thank you for believing in us and this story, and for being a truly treasured friend.
And to every person that’s reblogged, retweeted, flailed, all-capped, liked, loved, hearted, and shared all the parts of this as it was coming together. Thank you for every stitch of interest and every exclamation of excitement that’s brightened our days, bolstered our confidence, and enlivened our courage, thank you so much.
About the Auhor
A thousand miles apart but together in devotion, Sparrow AuSoleil is driven by a desire to embrace love’s madness as well as its miracles. Aiming to honor love in all its forms, from tender to taboo, they’ve written several collaborations together in addition to their individual work.
Inspired by a photograph, Light and Wine was passed back and forth for over a year. Written only while both halves of Sparrow AuSoleil were present in love’s focus, it grew in restaurant booths and on long bus rides, underneath blankets and over the moon. It is the first published effort for both writers.
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Light and Wine Page 9
