by Margo Catts
Copyright © 2017 by Margo Catts
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.
Cover design by Erin Seaward-Hiatt
Print ISBN: 978-1-62872-739-5
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-62872-740-1
Printed in the United States of America
For Stephen,
for everything.
Thus have the gods spun the thread for wretched mortals: that they live in grief while they themselves are without cares; for two jars stand on the floor of Zeus of the gifts which he gives, one of evils and another of blessings.
—Homer, The Iliad
1
I wasn’t thinking about rescue when my grandmother’s letter came. Nothing in my life had given me reason to expect divine giveaways, and I certainly didn’t deserve any. No, to be honest, I was thinking about a nap.
I’d started out well. Made an effort to tackle the day or shape my destiny or whatever useless crap the placement office motivational posters said would fix everything. I really had—went to campus, checked in at the job board again, added my name to the Physics Rules! advisement list to show my availability to tutor. Again. For another week.
But that’s where my effort ended. The idea of listening to one more lecture while I grew more sure, every day, that the diploma about to be stuffed in my hand was going to be completely useless here in greater Los Angeles or anywhere else in the goddamn country, for that matter, was just too much. My advisor was right. I should’ve applied to grad school. But she’d moved away last semester, which meant there was no one left to tell me what to do or say she’d told me so. What was the point of hanging around campus? So I left.
I caught the next bus to West LA and sat facing a sign that told me a career in auto mechanics would’ve been a better choice, then got off to walk the rest of the way home, head down, fists shoved in my sweatshirt pockets against the morning chill. I thought first about whether I’d hate waiting tables or selling shoes worse. Then I thought about the throbbing spot on my jaw and what lies would most plausibly explain the bruise beginning to ripen there. I thought about the worthless bastard who’d given it to me. I thought about the nauseated knot in my belly, not sure whether it was just anxiety that my period was well over a week late or already the consequences of it. And that’s when I started to think that sleep was the only way to stop thinking about how thoroughly I deserved my spot at the bottom of this pit I’d dug for myself.
I stopped in the breezeway to check the mail before going upstairs to my apartment, a trip that always unnerved me a little. The balcony that led past my door appeared slightly off plumb as it wrapped around the courtyard, no matter where you stood, bad enough that I had to look away from a woman leaning too far over the metal railing to yell something in Spanish to a lower apartment. A brown palm frond drifting on the surface of the pool was the finishing flourish to an overall air of dilapidation. Carlo was a terrible super. And, as I should have been able to tell, a terrible person. A girl with reasonable faculties would have known there were better ways to avoid thinking about the future than allowing him to only make things worse.
I put my key in the mailbox lock. The door was dented and the lock tarnished, my roommate’s and my names caught behind a yellowed plate. Actually, mine had slipped so that Alvarez appeared just below the edge of the frame. I tugged it the rest of the way out and threw the scrap on the ground. For better or worse, I’d be out of this apartment soon enough.
I grabbed the stack of envelopes and mailers and shut the door. Footsteps coming down the stairs behind me rattled the banister.
“Hey.”
I looked up. My roommate, wearing a bathrobe over jeans, carrying car keys.
“Hey.”
“I’m going for coffee,” she said as she passed me.
“Okay.”
I watched her walk toward a sagging Impala parked too close to the curb. Her steps were slow and heavy but straight. Probably just hungover. Of all my questionable roommates, I had to admit that this one had worked out pretty well. She was a sleepy drunk rather than a delusional one, self-absorbed and undemanding, prone to go limp rather than drive a car at her worst, so it didn’t trouble me to watch her sink into the driver’s seat and start it up. Better still, she had a father who paid her share of the rent on time. Little favors.
The car coughed to a start and pulled away, puffing clouds of blue smoke. I went back to the mail. UCLA Class of 1978: DO YOU HAVE YOUR CAP AND GOWN YET? demanded the postcard on top. I flipped past. Electricity bill, sale flyer from Tower Records, something from a law office addresed to my roommate. A letter from Lockheed I didn’t need to open because that pimply shit Terrence from second quarter General Relativity had already told me he’d gotten the job that had been my last hope. Then I saw my grandmother’s handwriting and stopped.
It’s not as if getting something from her was uncommon—far from it. Her letters were usually short and, of themselves, insignificant: We had a late storm, and Merle lost two calves—real nice ones. School closed around here for two days. The snow is already pulling back up the slopes, tho, so this’ll be gone real soon. I’ll probably be able to get back to the cabin in two or three weeks. They said that as far as she was concerned, it didn’t matter that I lived in California. That I had always been as much a part of her life in Colorado as the snow and the calves. And that I always would be. The easy, impersonal notes invited easy, impersonal responses, so it never took me long to answer; we probably exchanged letters every two or three weeks and had since I was old enough to write.
I tucked the rest of the stack under my arm and worked my thumb under the flap. Folded inside the envelope was a single sheet torn from a legal pad, yellow and lined, with my grandmother’s angular writing nearly filling the page.
My dear Elena,
Do you remember Paul and Carrie, out on the east edge of town? Paul fixes my truck. He has that mark on his neck. They have two children, and now Carrie’s gone. Paul drives a truck some and is gone a few days at a time. Are you still looking for a job? If you can put it off a few months and come help out this summer, that’d be real good. Folks are all doing what they can but they can’t take those kids full-time much more. It’s hard on the kids, too. Nobody can pay you anything, but you won’t spend anything, either. It’d give Paul more time to save money and figure out what to do. This is just all so sudden. Let me know quick as you can.
Tuah
I looked out over my roommate’s empty parking spot with the oil spots on the pavement toward the stucco face of the Whispering Palms Apartments across the street, rust stains weeping from the corners of the windows. A few shreds of morning fog were still caught in the lower leaves of the jacarandas. An old w
oman labored along the sidewalk beneath them, pulling grocery bags in a child’s wagon.
What did she mean by “gone”? Dead? Run away? Imprisoned? And why? What had happened? How old were the children? Girls or boys? What exactly would I be doing? I hadn’t been around children much. What about their father? I had a vague memory from one of the monthlong visits my own father and I made each summer, sitting three across on the front seat of my grandmother’s truck, fanning dust from my face as she stopped to talk to someone at the dirt crossroads: a man in another truck with a dark birthmark that wrapped across his throat and reached for his ear. But other than that, I knew nothing. Would I be staying in the house of a stranger? How long would he be gone? How often?
I realized all at once that it didn’t matter. The questions swooped through my mind and away again like passing birds. The only one that pressed on me very seriously was How did she know?
My mind was already made up. I could smell the thin, clear air, see the aspen leaves twisting in the sun, feel the heat on my skin. Go home to the only place where my guilt grew faint around the edges. A turn of events like this was more than I could’ve hoped for. More than I deserved. If I could take this life I’d wrecked and trade it in for another, I would accept almost anything in return.
*
The class of 1978 graduated without me. I’d dreaded parading across that stage. Besides—my father was the only one who would’ve come, and he, ever anxious to please his mother, agreed that it was good for me to leave for Colorado as soon as I finished my last final. I put my key on my roommate’s windowsill and loaded my car early in the morning, long before there was any chance Carlo would see me carrying bags and make me question what I was doing. It was better this way.
I followed the route my father and I had always taken together, every summer since my mother had left us—and probably with her, as well, if I’d been paying attention when I was that young. Leaving the coastal fog behind me, I crossed the Mojave on the first day. Hour after hour of desolation, a landscape of gray: rocks and grit and miserly, grasping, starving plants. Of radiant heat. My father always made sure we had plenty of water—in stoppered Pyrex bottles that sloshed and clacked against each other in the backseat and made me want to go to the bathroom more often than I probably needed—and his farewell gesture this morning had been to make sure I was well supplied now that I was traveling alone.
I drove with one wrist hung over the top of the steering wheel, the opposite elbow out the open window. The air blowing in felt as if it came out of a furnace and smelled of dust and tar and fumes, but the Pinto had no air conditioning, so it was better than the alternative. I wore shorts and a tank top, and sat on a towel to keep the sweat from gluing my skin to the vinyl. From time to time I would turn on the radio, occasionally picking up some nattering Spanish or a few country songs, then shut it off again a few minutes later, preferring the sound of the wind and the feeling it gave me of being carried, floating across the landscape like smoke, touching nothing.
My father had never talked much as he drove, so I didn’t particularly miss his company. Once every hour or so he used to clear his throat and call out over the wind and the engine, “How’re you doing?”
“Fine,” I would yell back.
He’d follow up with, “You hungry? Need anything?”
It was a ludicrous question. Unless I needed rocks or cactus thorns, the offer was hollow. We’d lapse back into silence, and I would entertain myself by lining up the edge of the window with the edge of the road or seeing how long it would take for a near Joshua tree to seem to pass a farther one.
Dreary as the drive was, there was only one year I hadn’t wanted to go. I was fourteen, and complained I was missing out on beach trips and slumber parties that I’d never really cared about before or since. But I hadn’t put up a serious fight. My resistance was just a convenient weapon, readily available to prove my lack of freedom whenever I felt nagged about picking up clothes or cereal bowls or books left wherever I last touched them. But I never brought it up independently. I think, deep down, I knew we were only posturing, my father and I, taking care to maintain a delicate balance of opposing weight and force. I feared that if I pushed with any real effort our lives would tip, he’d give way, and I’d find myself holding power I didn’t want. While around my grandmother, though, we both ceded control to her, and for just that month, I relaxed.
Our dining routine saved the drive, and I followed it now as if collecting stamps in a pilgrimage passport. The staff of Santo Burrito. The mustard smear of the Cross. At home, my father cooked at a survival level, overwhelmed by the grocery store and accused by the presence of a kitchen in every home. But we almost never ate out, sitting instead at our silent table, cutting, chewing, looking at our plates or at the wall. On the road, though, we ate at coffee shops, diners, and truck stops. We went to the same ones every trip, each the campiest, most lurid landmark in sight, and together they represented the only hint of playfulness I ever saw in my father.
The Cactus Blossom in Nevada, where we had pancakes with nopales syrup, was an adobe cube of weathered green, with hand-painted brown spines a foot long hashed all over it and electric pink tin flowers anchored to the roof. They’d been folded and twisted by the wind so often that fragments of broken petals peppered the sand outside. Dino’s Drive-In in western Colorado had a life-size plaster brontosaurus wrapped around the building and the tyrannosaurus-head speaker that took your order. A western cheeseburger for my father; a plain single for me with onion rings and a Dino’s Dessert Pie.
The highlight, though, was Harvey’s, in southern Utah, which boasted only a giant frosted cup tilted at the top of a twenty-foot pole. Against the competition, it should not have captured my father’s attention, but it seemed the frosted cup was enough to capture anyone’s attention, standing as it did above the sandstone grit, not a hint of green anywhere in sight, the sun glinting off the Lucite droplets on the cup’s surface. Ranchers, with their hats and their snap-front shirts, their dark jeans hollow over flat bottoms and bowed legs, would bring their families into the air conditioning from thirty or more miles away. Their wives had lines around their mouths, their sons were laconic and polite, and their daughters were wiry and as sharp-eyed as birds. Harvey’s served fresh fruit shakes made with watermelon and cantaloupe and peaches, ice cream, and cold milk, and we would sit inside at a white table, our hands wrapped around the sweating cups, icing our throats and shivering while we looked out the window at the heat waves rising off the car.
I found I liked traveling alone. I stopped and started at my own choosing. I ate unselfconsciously alone at restaurants. I could have sat for hours at the window at Harvey’s with my blackberry shake, elbows on the counter, heels hooked on the rail of my stool, watching the shadow of the giant spinning cup lengthen and shrink again across the sand.
I arrived at the Travelodge a couple of hours farther on, and paid for my room with a credit card I was using for the first time. I savored the hard edges of the key in my pocket, and spread my things out in the room as if I planned on staying a week. As I turned on the TV and lay back on the bed, crossing my arms behind my head and arching my feet, I felt the cords connecting me to Los Angeles stretch to their limit, vibrate for a moment, then break.
I was free. And at the end of the summer I would just drive on. Waitress at a beach bar in the Keys. Cook lobsters in Maine. Save money. Get this baby into more responsible hands and take a stab at grad school in another year or two. I had left behind nothing I cared about, no responsibilities or obligations, no family. My mother existed only in memory, and my father’s vague, disapproving presence served little practical purpose and could be invoked from anywhere. Whether he was in the room or across the country made little difference. Was this all there was to it? Could I actually just drive away from my old life and my colossal debt would be canceled? If so, well, I’d be the last person to insist that I owed more.
I woke early the next morning, feeling more
rested than I had in weeks, and left when the rocks were still deep red and cast long shadows. For this part of the journey, the desert was framed by cliffs and mesas in the distance in one direction and rusty canyons and mountains in the other. Sometime after midday I began to see occasional trees, then a snaking line of green along a river, and finally fields and orchards and sagebrush rangeland. I watched for the first pine. And then I began to climb.
I left the interstate near Vail, its lift chairs idle over boulevards of grass curving through the trees, and started to wend my way south, higher and higher, through Leadville, casting a glance toward the neighborhood where my grandmother kept her winter home. Somewhere, that same direction, was the home of the family I had supposedly come here for, but all I cared about now was getting up to the cabin. I stopped at Safeway and bought fresh fruit and meat and a gallon of milk, then drove on. After Leadville, the way became narrower and more precipitous, and I saw few other cars. Spruces and firs crowded against the road, then would break open to reveal a glacial valley, newly green in early summer. In the darker hollows I could see patches of snow lingering under the trees. It was hard to remember I’d started the day in the desert.
Eventually I left the pavement. I had some miles to go over washboard dirt road before the turnoff to Hat Creek. From time to time barbed wire would emerge from the trees to meet the road at a cattle guard, or an archway of timbers would announce the entrance to the Bar Lazy something-or-other. My elementary school classmates had been fascinated by my summer trips, which must have seemed to them like journeys into a Wild West story. They probably doubted my honesty.
“She lives in a real ghost town?”
“You cook on a fire?”
“There’s no sink inside?”
“No toilet?”
“Where do you go to the bathroom?”
“You go outside? At night? What if it’s cold?”
“Are there bears?”
