by Liza James
He walks away without waiting for a response from Aura or myself and suddenly, all the anger and frustrations begin overwhelming my mind with chaos. Aura steps forward and lifts her hand to reach for me, but I can't help it, I fucking shove her back so that she's forced to put distance between us.
"What the fuck, Aura?" I bite out as I systematically clench and release my fists as my side.
"I couldn't stand there and say nothing while he touched you, Ruby. While he fucking kissed you? After everything that just happened on stage? I couldn't stay quiet." She speaks softly but her words are like a jack hammer slamming in my mind with each syllable. Fuck her. Fuck this entire situation.
"You promised. You fucking promised me you wouldn't draw attention. You already fucked up on the goddamn stage out there, but this? You ruined everything. You're a fucking target now and you don't even know what he does. You have no idea what you've walked into, what you've actually put on me because of this." My voice raises slightly as I fight to control myself. But I can't, the actual terrifying fear that he's going to hurt her in order to destroy me rips through my mind in visions of what's to come. God, I can't fucking have her here. I can't have her near me anymore. I can't have anything to do with her.
Aura tenses and keeps her lips shut for a moment while she watches me have a near break down at thoughts of the future. I press my palms into my eyes while I rack my mind for any possible solutions. Any ideas to make this work. But I know it fucking can't.
"I'm sorry," she whispers and I feel her step closer to me. Her heat radiating out and warming my own body. She affects me, even when I'm fucking angry and want nothing to do with her. I feel her.
"You're sorry?" I laugh humorlessly. "You're fucking sorry? You don't actually know what you're apologizing for. Fuck you, Vibe Girl. You have no idea what you've done. Go home, get the hell out of here." I step away and turn but her hand reaches out to grip my elbow. Her fingers sear my flesh like a brand, her personal touch being the needle that permanently marks me for her. Only for her.
"Ruby, I said I was sorry," she says again, this time her voice sounds a little sadder, a little more desperate. I can't hear it. I don't want to hear the truth in her tone. I don't want to experience the pain that I know is lingering in her eyes.
Because I'm fucking done. I'm done with this.
"And I said get the fuck away from me. The least you can do is go home, Aura. You've ruined everything else as it is." I jerk out of her hold and walk away, back towards the stairs that lead to the scaffolding. It's the only place I can be alone, be away from all of this and the other dancers.
It's only been one day and I feel like I've destroyed everything. Last night was one of the worst of my life. It had started so well, I had felt so powerful, so fucking free. And it ended with me calling an Uber to drive me home because I was crying so fucking hard, so lost in myself that I couldn't drive. In fact, K had to be the one to call me the Uber in the first place.
Because she had found me outside of a door—fuck, I can't even think about it. It's too much, too painful.
I'm sitting in the shower now, the scorching hot water cascading across my body in hopes that it burns me. I want the sting of it, it's the only thing that distracts from the sounds I heard through that door last night. The sounds of Ruby, of Dom.
I'm going to kill that mother fucker. I'm literally going to destroy him and relish in the feeling of his warm blood against my skin when I do it.
Ruby had demanded I leave last night. She was so angry with me, I could feel the massive wall she was deliberately placing between us. She left me last night. Even if we weren't together—she left me. I could feel the finality in her words, sense the absolute decision in her steps and her body as she walked away.
But I couldn't be done. I couldn't finish it like that, so I stayed. I hid in the prep room until after I knew she had already danced and then I went to find her. Unfortunately though, I saw Chris—the security—walk up to her and whisper in her ear. She dropped her head briefly, clearly frustrated until she slowly turned and disappeared down the hall of private rooms.
I followed behind her, just until I saw which room she went into and then I patiently waited for her to come back out. I hoped to catch her in the hallway so that I could speak to her alone, maybe drag her outside so that we could find some privacy behind the club.
But I wasn't prepared for what I actually experienced. After an entire hour had passed and she still hadn't reemerged, I walked up to the door myself. The rooms are clearly soundproof, but because the club is pretty low scale, I wasn't sure exactly how insulated they were. So, I pressed my ear tightly against the hard expanse and struggled to slow my breaths enough to hear them.
And it's what I heard that was the final straw, the last tug at the end of my rope that actually broke me.
I could hear her crying. Ruby's hoarse voice as she fucking sobbed and mumbled words that I couldn't fucking understand. I heard Dom's horrific grunts and shouts as he did whatever he was doing to her. I can imagine, but I'm too afraid too. Listening to them was painful enough, and I heard the distinct sound of my name being uttered by Dom. That was what made it excruciatingly clear that I was the cause of what she was going through. I was the source of her fucking torture and tears.
I've never heard her cry before, I can't even imagine her being that vulnerable to show someone that side of herself and I have a hard time believing she'd ever willingly give that to Dom. She's far too strong for that, which means I've done something so horrific to force her into a place of relinquishing that control.
God, I fucked up. So, in that moment, I did what I knew I had to do. I wanted to take her pain on myself, give anything in order to free her of what he was doing. I would take it, happily if it meant she was fucking safe and away from him. So, I lifted my hands and moved to bang on the door, but my wrist was caught in a tight hold before I ever made contact.
"Don't you fucking dare," K's quiet voice demanded from me. I turned to meet her hard gaze over my shoulder. Her tense body stood firmly behind mine as she held me in place. "Don't fuck up what she's doing. If you let him know you're here, that you fucking care about her, he'll make it a million times worse for her. She's already given up something critical, something she's never given him. And she did that because of you, so don't make this any worse for her. Do what she told you, and go the fuck home, Aura."
I had let my forehead fall silently against the door as tears pricked the backs of my eyes and fell through my lashes. "I can't fucking leave her," I whispered so that only K could hear me. "I can't leave her with him."
"You have to. Tonight, you have to." K's desperate voice enveloped me as I collapsed to the ground. Her arms wrapped around my shoulders while she held me. Hot tears fell from eyes and coated my cheeks in salty trails of pain and anguish. I fucking hated it. Rage coursed through my blood and ignited a fire deep within my chest. My mind still aches and racks with any answers I could have for this.
Fuck, I'm going to kill him. I'm going to destroy him for what he's done to her.
I was trembling in K's arms while she kept me together. My body lit up with a mix of desperation and anger. I have to stay away from her, I have to do anything that will keep her safe when it comes to him and even Malin.
But the desire to fix this, to protect her by destroying him, consumes me. It eats up every inch of my being with determination.
I can still take care of her while staying away. I have to.
That's when K finally pulled me to my feet and called me an Uber. I lost my shit on the drive home, crumbling internally until I crawled into bed beside Hawk after arriving at our apartment.
And now I'm still trying to pull myself back together while I sit in this shower and let my mind wander to Ruby. I wish I knew how she was holding up today. I wish I had some sort of idea as to how she was.
I'm tempted to text her or try and call while Hawk isn't around. But I'm also worried that she'll ignore it, or that it wil
l rehash the open wounds I've left on her. I think she needs space, but I hardly want to give it.
"Aura? You almost done in there? We want to leave in thirty minutes." Bethie's care-free, cheerful voice breaks through the door of the bathroom and hits me like a sledgehammer. It cracks though my shelter of self-deprecation and I'm forced to lift my head and turn it towards the door. I rest my cheek against my knees, which I've pulled up to my chest and silently let the tears stream down my face in sync with the scalding water.
"I'll be ready," I reply, loudly enough for Bethie to hear through the sound of my shower.
God, I want to escape for a little while. Forget about everything going on and simply live.
Bethie walks away, seemingly approving of my response and I struggle to pull myself together enough to stand up and get out of the shower. It feels odd, dressing up and doing my make up in order to go to this party that Hawk and Bethie had mentioned last week.
I don't feel in any mood to celebrate anything, especially now that I know what Ruby has been going through with Dom. But I told them I'd go, and they still don't know about where I work. I can't back out without a reason and I'm not telling them about the last twenty-four hours.
I spend the next few minutes drying my hair and applying minimal make up. Because I want to be comfortable tonight, I throw on a pair of distressed jean shorts and a white tank top. Nothing crazy, but I won't be layered in hot clothes while I'm potentially drinking.
Because I think I might give into the pull of surrendering tonight—letting go and trying to relax.
When I step out of the bathroom, Bethie and Hawk are huddled near the front door. I don't think they heard me approach until the very last second because I swear Bethie had her hand on Hawk's face. I can't be positive though, she was pulling away right as I stepped around the corner.
I pause for a moment as both of their heads whip towards me and Hawk takes an instinctual step backwards. My eyes bounce between the both of them, but truthfully, I'm not willing to look too deeply into this. With each passing day, the idea of leaving Hawk solidifies inside of me. I think we can all feel the threads beginning to fray.
"Ready?" I ask, ignoring the tension between us as I step forward.
Hawk meets me in the middle of the kitchen as he slides his large hands around my waist and pulls me against him. His hard chest is a familiar space, his short hair and bright eyes a familiar sight. He places a kiss on my cheek, but it all feels like an obligation. Where is the emotion? Is it lacking on my part alone? Am I blind to the feelings Hawk really has for me? Or is something going on between him and Bethie that I've been ignoring?
I choose not to dwell on these questions for now. I want to escape tonight, let go of everything that's been weighing me down and then revisit it tomorrow. I'll make these decisions tomorrow.
"Yeah, let's go. Come on, we're already late," Bethie interrupts whatever moment Hawk and I were having, drawing our attention back to her and the urgency to head out.
Hawk takes my hand and I notice as his eyes narrow just slightly as we walk past Bethie. She shuts the door behind us, and we make our way to our vehicle. My mind lingers on Ruby, on the past twenty-four hours, the last two weeks since I met her.
On where I was, who I had been and who I'm rapidly becoming. Things are changing, and while I'm still worried about Malin making contact, I'm also a little more prepared for the encounter. I'm a little braver, a bit stronger, and I think Ruby is the one who's been pulling that strength out of me.
Reminding me that I'm not that small, fragile wildflower. I'm the entire fucking forest, and I'll light this bitch on fire before I ever give into The Nation again.
We aren't where I thought we were going to be. I assumed this was some small house party that Hawk was taking us to. But this is different. It's bigger, for one. Several people are parking around us, unloading from their vehicles and wearing outfits that make it clear I underdressed.
Or overdressed? That might be the better word. Because these jean shorts and small tank top are far more than what anyone else is wearing.
Everyone is covered in bright colors—neons, even glitter and body paint. Little cat ears adorn their heads or long wispy neon tails fall over their asses. I'm beyond intrigued, but also feeling slightly insecure over my lack of style for this event.
Hawk's arm falls over my shoulder as he tugs me against his side. Bethie steps up next to me and her eyes fall to his arm just briefly before she drops her gaze. "Don't worry, babe. There's plenty of paint inside."
I glance up to him and smile, choosing not to pull out of his hold just yet. I don't want to worry about things tonight, so I don't mind keeping up pretenses until we can figure out exactly what we're doing. "I thought this was a low-key, house party?" I ask, my eyebrows furrow in the center as we make our way toward the old brick building. Trash litters the cement below us, but neon lights flash in the windows ahead. It looks like a small club, but everyone is lining at the door in the back of the obscure structure.
"Yeah, about that. I was worried you wouldn't come if I told you exactly what it was," his voice drops off as he breaks the news. I had a feeling he downplayed this a bit for what it's turning into. "It's not a big deal, it's called Liquid Kitty. A rave the club holds every year, but they keep it on the down low most of the time. They hold in the basement of the building. I didn't know exactly where it was though, not until Que gave me the details."
"If you wanted me to come to something like this, you could have been honest about it," I say as we continue walking towards the line. We come up and stand behind a small group of girls, each of them already covered in paint and glitter. A couple of them are actually wearing giant fairy wings that match the colors they've splattered across their bodies. Fuck, I'm feeling so out of place right now.
"Would you have come?" Bethie asks, clearly alluding to the fact that she did, indeed know where we were actually going. What the hell?
"Maybe. You both know how badly I want to step out and try new things. Yeah, perhaps I don't always do it. But I would have rather known the truth than be lied to." I speak the words but suddenly my mind lingers on something I mentioned.
Being lied too. The feelings of betrayal, even if I am intrigued by this party. It doesn't relinquish the fact that they lied in order to get me here. I replay the words Ruby spoke to me not long ago when she was telling me that Hawk and Bethie were hiding things. Instantly, my heart hammers at the idea that she’s right. Another nail in the coffin of my desires to leave him.
"I'm sorry, baby. You're right. I should have told you ahead of time, okay?" Hawk quickly turns me so that I'm facing him, my eyes locked on his while he apologizes. It feels genuine. His brows are furrowed, and his eyes are wide as they watch me. His thumb brushes systematically across my shoulder. Something that should be reassuring but isn't necessarily bringing me comfort.
"Okay," I reply hesitantly. He smiles faintly as he turns his attention to the line while it moves forward. The three of us enter the open doorway and step into complete darkness. Black lights splash the walls around us in bright blues and pinks. My white shirt is completely alight in wash of luminescent light and all of the paint covering the people around us dapples the brick walls and floors as well.
It's a kaleidoscope of different hues in here, layered with darkness and temptation while we move through the narrow hallway. Loud, electric music flows through the space. Intoxicating beats and thumps fill my ears while my body begins aching to move with it. Excitement courses through me as I'm reminded of the stage and the power I held when I danced.
Suddenly, that's what I want again. That familiar power, the captivating appeal of it all. The liberation and freedom I felt. That's my escape, that's what I want to feel tonight. I take a step ahead of Bethie and Hawk as I move forward. Part of me wants to be alone while I experience this, but I know I shouldn't leave them. Safety in numbers is what I've been told.
What a fucking joke.
The space
opens up into a massive room. It's huge down here, much bigger than I anticipated. There's a space on both sides where giant couches and huge bean bag chairs lay. Several people are scattered across them, lounging and smoking or drinking and hooking up.
A couple of girls stand to the side, passing out glow sticks and paint bottles to whoever is looking. I immediately turn towards them and take what they hand me. Their smiles light up as Hawk and Bethie join at my sides. They take a few items as well and the three of us move to the back, where we have a little more room to work with.
"Do we just paint each other? Or how the hell does this work?" I ask, shouting over the music while Hawk immediately pops the cap on the white paint he's holding. He flips the bottle and pours some into his hand before passing it to Bethie as he rubs his palms together, coating his fingers before stepping closer to me. I pause, holding up a hand until I know what he's actually going to do.
"Trust me," he says, but there’s a conniving tone to his voice that I don't quite understand. Before I can answer, he quickly swipes his thumbs across my cheeks, painting my face in a wash of bright white. His hand drops to my neck, fully encompassing my throat and the side of my jaw in a very clear handprint. A surprisingly clear claim that even I notice as his eyes darken when he sees what he's done.
"Or you could do it like this," Bethie's voice sounds beside me, just as the cool sensation of paint flies across the other side of my face and down my shoulder. I instinctually gasp as I turn to see Bethie holding the pink bottle that she used to splatter me.
She smiles and laughs before stepping back and doing it again. Another stream of paint flies across my body and for a moment, I actually enjoy it. I don't care that she interrupted us, because I'm so near leaving Hawk anyway. It simply isn't bothering me like I know it should. Instead, I choose to use my own bottle of green paint and do the same to both Bethie and Hawk, throwing my own splatters across their bodies. Watching the paint coat us and then shine brightly in the darkness.
