She had spent the entire day watching couples cozy up together and chatter repeatedly about the stupid dance. Even Harper had gone on about it all through lunch.
With every couple reminding her of Eli, she needed to take drastic action. And that would be in the form of talking with her mother about it. She would kill two birds with one stone – make her mother feel included and maybe get some good advice.
She had kept an eye out for Eli all day, waiting to see him walking hand-in-hand with Abigail around the school. Yet she hadn’t seen him once outside the classroom.
She couldn’t tell just by watching him in class if he was happy to be back together with her. Was it wrong to hope he was miserable? Did that make her a bad person? Or was all fair in love and high school?
Probably.
“Mom,” she started, hoping she wasn’t making a big mistake. She leaned on the kitchen counter, pretending to act casual and not like her life depended on the conversation. “How do you get someone to notice you?”
“Are we talking about a boy or a girl?”
“A boy.”
“Oh good, you like boys, doesn’t hurt to check.” Georgie winked and smiled. “Well, the first thing I would do is change your wardrobe. You dress like you don’t care how you look.”
Kaley looked down at her clothes, she wore jeans and a plain black top. What was so wrong about that? They were clean and there weren’t any holes or loose hems. Surely that would show she cared about what she was wearing?
“What’s wrong with my clothes?”
“They are so boring. You always wear jeans and a plain shirt. Would it kill you to wear a pretty dress now and then? Or even a nice blouse wouldn’t go astray.”
“Do guys care about things like that?”
“Not really, but if you want them to notice you, then yes. Does a bee buzz around a boring tree? No, it goes straight for the bright flower.” Georgie tapped her on the nose, like she would do when she was five years old and learning how to spell. “You need to be a bright flower or the bees will always fly past for a better offer.”
Kaley tried to argue with that logic, but couldn’t. Her mother was right. All the popular girls at school always looked immaculate. They wouldn’t be caught dead wearing jeans and a black top. They wouldn’t even settle for a green top – it wouldn’t be pretty enough for them.
“So assuming I want to catch a bee, can you help me find something to wear?”
Georgie stopped in her tracks, a grin spreading across her face. “I thought you’d never ask. Let’s go.”
Before she could protest, Georgie had her hand and was dragging Kaley into her bedroom. She opened the doors to her closet and flicked through her clothes.
“Is everything you own so drab?”
“I don’t know, they’re just clothes. I haven’t really thought about it before.”
Georgie made a face of disapproval at every outfit Kaley owned. It was all so sensible, there were no other words to describe it. Functional – yes, guy bait – no. How had she given birth to a child that didn’t care about fashion? She must have inherited her father’s genes. He never cared about his clothes either.
“This won’t do. You and I are going to go shopping, my girl. Until then, follow me.”
Kaley reluctantly followed Georgie into her parents’ bedroom where the closet doors were flung open there too. The bright colors that confronted them were like an assault to the eyes. The wardrobe was overflowing with clothes, a tiny section devoted just to her father’s. Shoes lined the bottom, pairs upon pairs of high heels in every imaginable shade.
Georgie got straight to work, going through the clothes one by one. She would occasionally pull out a dress and show it to Kaley but only received a head shake in reply.
“How about this one? I think you would look adorable in it.” Georgie was holding a red dress with loose frills that fringed the neckline. While being bright red, it was still actually quite demure. It probably wouldn’t be too terrible to wear, at least it had sleeves.
“You really think I’d look good in it?”
“One way to find out.”
Georgie threw her the dress, she quickly changed. It fit perfectly, hugging her curves in all the right places. The hemline almost made it to her knees so it wasn’t too short, and the frills covered any obvious signs of cleavage. It was cute without being sexy, it probably wouldn’t be breaking any school dress codes.
“Oh, you look beautiful,” Georgie gushed. “My baby is all grown up. Let me get the camera.”
“No, Mom, no camera.”
Her pleas fell on deaf ears, Georgie returned with her camera and took a photo before Kaley could protest. She got only one before she started to pull faces at the lens.
“You’ll have a whole hive full of bees soon, honey.”
Kaley looked in the mirror, wishing that was true. While she considered the dress fit her well, she couldn’t see that she was competition for any of the girls at school. She had nothing on them, underneath the red dress she was still the same boring, invisible Kaley. It would take a miracle for anyone to see her.
She thanked her mother and retreated to her room. While her mother was over the moon for all the mother/daughter bonding, Kaley was left feeling depressed about the whole situation. She hoped the red dress would have unexpected results and actually work.
Taking a glance at Harvey’s window, Kaley could see he wasn’t in his room. Good. She had been nervous about seeing him again after Harper’s little rampage that morning. She didn’t believe Harvey thought of her as anything except friends, but the thought would annoyingly pick at her brain every time she thought about him. Damn Harper.
She picked up her guitar and started strumming nothing in particular, just a random tune her fingers created as they went along. She loved playing the guitar, it always made her feel better. No matter what life happened to be throwing at her at the time.
Soon, some words came to her lips to match the music. She wasn’t really even thinking about it, just saying whatever felt right.
I’m standing in front of you,
My heart is in my hands,
But you just see right through me,
You don’t even know I’m there.
The four lines perfectly summed up how she was feeling. About Eli, about everyone. There she was, vulnerable inside and just wishing people would see her.
You fill my every thought,
You are in my every dream,
I want to feel your arms around me,
But all you ever are is mean.
She repeated the verses over and over again, putting in a long guitar break. She put attitude into it, not wanting it to sound like a vulnerable song. She grew angry, annoyed that no matter what she did, people always ignored her. What could be so wrong about her that made her invisible? What did she possibly do to deserve it? The chorus came to her:
Why am I so invisible to you?
Why do you never see me?
Am I just that unlovable?
What can I do to make you see?
Without stopping, Kaley repeated everything from the start. Her hands didn’t need to think about the notes, they came to her like they had a mind of their own. So did the next verse:
My heart breaks whenever you’re near
Because I know you’ll never be mine,
If only you could see who I am,
I know you’d like me just fine.
Kaley only stopped long enough to scribble it down in her songbook. The notes breezed through her mind, replaying again and again. How music could always sum up what she was feeling was always a mystery to her. There was something magical about music, it just got her.
After the frenzied writing, Kaley became aware of eyes on her. She felt it before she saw them. She looked around, it had grown dark outside, how long had she been songwriting for? The clock flashed 6:48, it had taken her almost two hours to get the song out of her system. She turned on the lamp so she could see better.
She went to close her curtains and saw the eyes – they belonged to Harvey. He was sitting at his computer desk but his seat was facing her. He waved.
How long had he been watching her? She waved back, he had probably only just sat down when she felt the staring. Watching her would have been as boring as watching grass grow, she doubted whether she would have been able to keep his interest very long.
“Dinner, Kaley,” Georgie’s voice rung out.
Kaley closed the curtains and went to dinner, feeling so much better than when she had entered the room. It wasn’t just music to her, it was therapy. Far cheaper and less traumatic than the doctor type.
Chapter 7
“You look beautiful, honey. Work it.” Georgie shooed Kaley out of the vehicle. She stepped out feeling very self-conscious. She had never worn a dress to school before, not since pre-school anyway. Why did she let her mother talk her into it? Especially a red dress. She felt as if she stuck out like a sore thumb.
She turned around to get back into the car, changing her mind about the whole thing, but Georgie locked the doors and drove off with a final wave. She stood on the path alone, feeling like everyone was watching her and she was totally alone.
Pulling the dress down, she wondered if it was too short after all. The popular girls wore their skirts so high they couldn’t bend over without showing their knickers. Hers was at least six inches longer than that.
She spotted Harvey walking up the path toward her. If she acted quickly, he might not notice her. She started moving to her locker, not having the choice to turn back now.
If there was ever a time when she wanted to be invisible, it was now. But wasn’t that the whole point? To stand out and actually be seen? She started wondering what madness had overtaken her.
“Nice dress, Kaley,” Harvey commented. She froze. Damn, he had caught up to her. She spun around and pretended to be cool and casual.
“Thanks, it’s my mom’s.”
Why did she say that? She couldn’t have stopped at thanks? She inwardly groaned at herself, it was going to be a long day. Perhaps she could change into her gym uniform, nobody would notice that.
“Well, you look really pretty. Have a good day.” Harvey smiled and hurried off without waiting for a response. Despite her concerns, she actually smiled. At least she got one compliment on her outfit, maybe the day wouldn’t be so bad after all.
Harper wasn’t to be seen anywhere when Kaley went looking for her. Then she remembered she had band practice that morning. She wouldn’t see her until their first class together – Science. She went to class and took her seat, not caring that she was fifteen minutes early. It was better than standing around feeling like a fool in a red dress.
By the time Harper took the seat next to her, the teacher was already standing at the front of the class and speaking. Good, she wouldn’t have to answer any questions about her outfit.
It was the only thing she could think about, wondering if anyone had noticed her and what they were thinking. Her biggest worry was that she looked so stupid people would be making fun of her. Would that mean her mission to be noticed was successful? Technically yes, she supposed.
She tried to distract herself by focusing on the lesson. Science was actually something she enjoyed, she probably got that from her father too. She liked the way things made sense and could be explained. If she mixed one chemical with another, it reacted in an expected way. No matter how many times she did it, it would always have the same outcome.
She wished life could be that easy. The trouble with taking risks was that she didn’t know the outcome. She could do the same thing repeatedly and now and then have a different outcome. Life had surprises, science didn’t.
When the bell rang signaling lunch time, Kaley didn’t have time to even stand before Harper was onto her.
“What’s with the dress? You look gorgeous.”
“You really think so? It was Mother Barbie’s idea. She thinks I dress too boring.”
“I agree with her.” Harper felt the fabric, it was soft and flowing, definitely something she approved of. She had been trying to get Kaley to wear dresses for years, just like her.
“It kind of feels weird though, this isn’t really me,” Kaley confessed. She knew that’s what she was going for, but it didn’t make it any more comfortable. At least while they lingered there talking, the rest of the class could filter out so she didn’t have to wonder whether they were looking at her as she walked.
“Maybe it’s a new you.” Harper smiled. “You do look really good. I’m sure Harvey would approve.”
“He’s already said he liked it. But it didn’t mean anything, he was just being nice and said it in passing.”
“Sure. Let’s get to lunch, I’m starving.”
They stood and headed for the cafeteria. They were at the end of the lunch rush, also at the end of the queue. They had to wait for seemingly ages before they reached the food.
Kaley chose a sandwich and a juice, her usual staple foods. She picked up her tray and started toward their usual table. It wasn’t that people left it for her and Harper specifically, just that nobody else wanted to sit there. It was next to the kitchen and nearly always too hot for comfort. The perfect place for the invisible people to sit.
As she walked, Kaley stopped suddenly to avoid the body passing in front of her. She looked up to see Eli only inches away from her. He was walking with a teammate, talking animatedly. Kaley didn’t move, she desperately wanted him to notice her in her red dress. Perhaps it would make him view her differently. Perhaps it would make him see her, full stop.
She could feel her heat beating in her chest, so hard it might jump through her dress. She wanted him to look her way, she imagined locking eyes with him and then seeing him smile. The world around them would stop and it would just be them standing there in the cafeteria. She desperately hoped for that moment, for even just a glimmer of hope that perhaps Eli and her actually had something.
But he kept walking. He didn’t stop for even a beat of his conversation with his friend. She was nothing but a red speck in his peripheral vision. If even that. For all he acknowledged, she didn’t even exist on the same planet as he did.
She skulked off to her table, hoping her burning face wasn’t as red as her dress. She felt humiliated, so embarrassed that she had dared to wish for Eli to look at her. She was so stupid for thinking he even knew she existed.
She scolded herself, wishing she could sink into the ground and never be seen again. Wearing the dress was a terrible idea, it wasn’t her and didn’t change anything. She was right, underneath she was still the same plain, invisible self.
She felt Harper sit beside her but she couldn’t look at her until she had composed herself. She didn’t need the third degree right now. Harper would probably guess what was upsetting her and ask a million questions about it to analyze it to the core. She put on a brave face and took a few breaths.
“So how was band practice this morning?” she asked, it was a relatively safe topic.
“It would have been better with you there.”
Okay, maybe it wasn’t so safe. “Did they tell you what song you’re going to be learning for the showcase concert?”
“They haven’t decided yet. They want to make sure everyone knows the basics so we have to cover nursery rhymes for a few weeks.” Harper rolled her eyes. She had been playing the violin in the school band since she was eight years old, she could play any of the basics in about any key chosen. “I hate it when newbie’s join.”
“I would have been a newbie,” Kaley reminded her.
“True. I probably would have had to give you mean looks for a few weeks too. I would have apologized after every practice.”
Kaley laughed, starting to feel so much better already. Harper had that effect on her, she would always say the funniest things just by being herself. In many ways, Kaley envied her for that. Harper wasn’t afraid to be who she was, she just got on with it. What you sa
w was what you got, and that was just one of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet. It was a pity no-one else saw that too.
“Oh, speaking of which, I have to pick up my new uniform before lunch ends. Otherwise I won’t be able to get a good one and I’ll be stuck wearing something that someone else has sweated in for a year.” Harper stood, taking the last bite of her sandwich. “I’ll see you later, wish me luck.”
“Good luck.”
Kaley watched her go before realizing she was sitting at the entire table alone. It was pathetic. And lonely.
She finished her sandwich and left the noisy cafeteria. She tried hard not to look at Eli sitting in amongst all the popular people. But she couldn’t help it and was punished with seeing Abigail seated beside him. So they were back together. It was just another punch to her heart. She walked faster.
Looking at her watch, there was still another twenty minutes before the next class. It was English, she didn’t want to be early for that. It wasn’t one of her favorites, it was one of those interpretive subjects, one where the answers weren’t perfectly formulated like science was.
She saw Harvey across the courtyard, he was sitting with a few of the guys he called friends. Kaley had never really spoken with them before, but she knew Harvey got along well with them. She didn’t feel like barging in on their conversation.
She kept walking and found herself in the music room. She had music classes once a week at the school. Initially, she had been excited about them, except she soon discovered they weren’t practical.
The teacher was always going on about the history of music and Beethoven or Bach. She could play the 5th Symphony on the piano by the age of nine, she didn’t need to write a whole two thousand word essay on it.
The music room itself, however, was fully equipped. The instruments were mainly used by the band or for the annual school musical when they needed extra people to fill the orchestra.
Or perhaps there was a secret music class where the students actually got to make music. Kaley didn’t really mind though, she didn’t want to play in front of others. Which she would have to do if the class was practical.
Love Songs (Secret Songbook #1) Page 5
