by Dan Gutman
“Today’s lunch will be chicken fingers,” I read. “We have one birthday today. Darby Dearborn in second grade turns eight years old. And now, a word from our sponsor.”
The red light went off. We looked up at the TV screen. And you’ll never believe who was on it.
Ryan’s mom!
“Oh no!” groaned Ryan.
“Hi everyone,” Ryan’s mom said. “Kids grow up so fast these days. I can hardly believe my little Ryan is such a big boy now, working for a real TV station. It seems like only yesterday that I was giving him a bath in our kitchen sink.”
Everybody looked at Ryan. He was holding his hands in front of his face.
“You took a bath in your sink yesterday?” I asked Ryan.
“No!” Ryan shouted.
“I remember when my baby Ryan was crawling around on all fours,” said Ryan’s mom. “All he could do was burp and pee and say goo-goo. I had to wipe his little bottom for him. And now look at him.”
Everybody looked at Ryan. He was still holding his hands over his face.
“Is she finished?” he asked.
“Your mom is weird,” I told Ryan.
“She’s always going overboard,” he said.
“She jumps out of boats?” I asked.
The morning announcements went on forever because we had to watch commercials from everybody’s parents. Finally, after we had all been embarrassed, the red light went off. It was over.
“Cut!” shouted Alexia.
“Fantastic!” shouted Ms. Cuddy. “Your parents had to watch that. Everybody wants to see themselves on TV.”
Well, Ms. Cuddy was wrong, because once again our ratings went down and Dirk’s went up. They did a version of my favorite show, Win Money or Eat Bugs. The Dirk teachers had to answer trivia questions. When they got them right, they won money. When they got them wrong, they had to eat bugs. Even I wanted to see that.
“Noooooooo!” Ms. Cuddy shouted. “Not again! We will beat those Dirk dorks! You just wait and see! I’ll make them wish they never tangled with me!”
Ms. Cuddy was fuming. She paced back and forth mumbling to herself. Then she snapped her fingers.
“I’ve got it!” she said.
“You’ve got what?” we all asked.
“I’ll tell you tomorrow morning,” she said mysteriously.
When we got to the studio the next morning, Ms. Cuddy was waiting outside, but the door was locked.
“Aren’t we going to do the announcements today?” Andrea asked.
“We need to change our format,” she replied. “We need to get out of the studio and into the streets. That’s where the people are. Come on, let’s go!”
Ms. Cuddy had a portable TV camera. She led us across the street.
“Where are we going?” Neil asked.
“We’re going to follow our noses and sniff out stories,” she replied. “We’re going to do investigative reporting.”
There was just one problem. The streets were empty. All the kids had been dropped off at school. All the parents had left for work or gone home. There was nobody around.
“There are no stories out here,” Michael said.
“You just aren’t looking hard enough,” said Ms. Cuddy. “See, this car is parked too close to a fire hydrant. That’s illegal! I’m calling the police!”
“It’s like an inch too close,” said Alexia.
“Yeah, what’s the big deal?” asked Ryan.
Ms. Cuddy ignored us. She pulled out her cell phone and punched in a number.
“Hello, police department?” she said. “We have a crime in progress across the street from Ella Mentry School. Send some cops over right away, and a tow truck too. Hurry!”
A few seconds later we heard a siren. Ms. Cuddy handed the camera to Michael and told me to stand in front of the car.
“Okay, A.J.,” she said. “Action!”
“Uh . . . my name is A.J.,” I said, looking into the camera. “I’m standing here across the street from Ella Mentry School, where there appears to be a crime in progress.”
At that moment a tow truck and two police cars screeched to a halt next to us. Some cops got out and rushed over. Michael filmed the whole thing.
“What’s the problem?” one of the cops said.
“This car is parked illegally,” I told him.
He looked at the car.
“It’s a few inches too close to the hydrant,” he said. “You dragged us over here for that?”
The cops looked like they were going to leave.
“People can’t just park wherever they want,” shouted Ms. Cuddy. “Don’t we have laws in this country?”
“Who are you?” a cop asked Ms. Cuddy.
“I’m a concerned citizen,” she said. “My taxes pay your salary! Criminals need to learn their lesson! Do your job! You’ve got to tow that car away.”
The cop rolled his eyes.
“Okay, boys,” he said. “Tow it.”
The tow truck driver attached some chains to the car and started towing it down the street. At that moment, Mr. Klutz came out of the school.
“What’s going on?” he asked. “Why aren’t you using the TV studio we paid a million dollars for?”
“We decided to hit the streets and do some investigative reporting,” Ms. Cuddy said.
“Yeah,” I told Mr. Klutz. “A car was parked here illegally, so we had the police tow it away.”
Mr. Klutz turned around and looked down the street. Then he looked at the empty spot where the car had been.
“Wait a minute,” he said. “That was my car you towed away!”
“Your car?” we all shouted.
“Oops,” said Ms. Cuddy.
“Is this some kind of a joke?” asked Mr. Klutz.
Of course not. A joke would be, like—A library is the tallest building in the world, because it has the most stories. Mr. Klutz totally doesn’t know what a joke is. He went running down the street chasing the tow truck.
It was hilarious.
Well, I guess our investigative report didn’t attract many eyeballs. Dirk School beat us again. They put on a reality show called Killer Karaoke. Kids had to sing songs while their classmates dropped water balloons on their heads. I wish I had come up with that idea.
Ms. Cuddy looked more depressed than ever. She just sat there with her head in her hands.
“I give up,” she said. “I’m out of ideas. No matter what we do, those Dirk dorks beat us. I quit.”
“What?!” we all shouted.
“You can’t quit, Ms. Cuddy!” said Ryan.
“Remember what you told us?” said Andrea. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”
“I tried again,” moaned Ms. Cuddy. “And again. It’s no use! We just can’t beat those monsters!”
That’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.
I asked Ms. Cuddy to give us one day before quitting. After school, I held a secret meeting with the gang. I told them my idea. The next morning, we were ready to put it into action.
“Action!” yelled Alexia.
“My name is A.J. and I hate school,” I said into the mic.
“My name is Andrea and I love school. Now for the morning announcements. The weather today is—”
A big banner flashed on the screen: BREAKING NEWS!
“I’m sorry, Andrea,” I said, “but I have to interrupt the morning announcements. We have important news. Monsters have been spotted at Ella Mentry School!”
“What?” Andrea yelled.
At that moment the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened—a zombie ran past the camera!
Well, it looked like a zombie. It was actually Neil the nude kid, dressed like a zombie.* Emily had done a great job on his makeup.
“What was that?” Andrea shouted.
“It looked like a zombie to me,” I said.
Mr. Klutz came running into the studio.
“Was that a zombie?” he shouted.
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“It looked like a zombie,” said Ms. Cuddy.
Mr. Klutz ran in front of the camera.
“Lock the doors!” he shouted. “Nobody gets in or out of the building! Call the police! There’s a zombie in our school!”
Then he ran out of the room.
“We repeat,” Andrea said, “a zombie has been spotted inside Ella Mentry School. Please remain calm. As soon as we have more information—”
At that moment something even weirder happened—a vampire ran past the camera!
Well, it looked like a vampire. It was actually Ryan, dressed like a vampire. He was growling.
“What was that?” I shouted.
“It looked like a vampire,” said Andrea.
“Zombies and vampires have invaded our school!” I shouted. “Don’t panic!”
“Let’s go get the story, you guys!” Alexia shouted.
Andrea and I grabbed our mics. Michael grabbed Ms. Cuddy’s portable camera. We dashed into the hallway. Kids were spilling out of the classrooms.
“Help!” some kid yelled. “It’s a monster attack!”
“The zombies and vampires are taking over!” yelled somebody else.
“I’m too young to die!”
“This is great!” said Ms. Cuddy. “Are you getting all this on video, Michael?”
“Run for your lives!” somebody screamed.
In seconds the hallway was jammed with teachers and students running around, yelling and screaming and shrieking and hooting and hollering and freaking out.
“We are reporting the monster attack live!” I shouted into the mic. “We will stay on the air until this crisis is over.”
Andrea stuck her microphone in some girl’s face and asked her if she had seen any monsters.
“No,” the girl replied. “But I heard a rumor that they’re mutant alien zombies from outer space!”
“I heard the zombies kidnapped Mr. Klutz!” some other kid said.
I spotted Officer Spence, our school security guard.
“Have you seen any zombies or vampires?” I asked him.
“Not yet,” he replied. “But we can’t let those monsters take over the school. We’ll track them down.”
“You’re a real hero, Officer Spence,” I told him.
“Just doing my job, A.J.”
Everybody was going crazy in the hallways. Somebody screamed. Andrea and I ran around the corner. There was a zombie on the floor, groaning and drooling.
Well, it looked like a zombie. It was actually Neil again.
“Here’s one of the zombies now!” Andrea said. “We’re going to get an exclusive interview.”
I stuck my mic in Neil’s face.
“You’ve been turned into a flesh-eating zombie,” I said. “How do you feel?”
“Grrrrrreat!” Neil replied.
“When did you first realize you were a zombie?”
“On Tuesday,” Neil said.
“What are you going to do next?”
“Eat the humans,” Neil said.
“Good luck with that,” Andrea told him. “Thank you for taking the time to talk with us.”
I heard a loud bang outside. I looked out the window. A helicopter had landed on the front lawn of the school. A bunch of guys jumped out wearing body armor, gas masks, and other cool stuff.
“Come out with your hands up, monsters!” one of them shouted through a bullhorn.
“The army is here!” Andrea yelled into her mic.
Ms. Cuddy opened the front door so the army guys could come in.
“Where are the monsters?” one of them shouted.
“They went that a-way!” I told them.
“Follow me, men!”
The army guys ran all over the school looking for monsters, but they never found any because Neil and Ryan took off their costumes. After a while the army guys got back in the helicopter and left.
“It appears as though the monster attack is over,” Andrea said. “You may return to your classrooms now. Have a great day, Ella Mentry students.”
“And . . . cut!” shouted Alexia.
“That was awesome!” said Ms. Cuddy.
When the monster attack was over, Mr. Klutz went from class to class to make sure everyone was okay. When he got to our TV studio, we asked him how many people had watched our station and how many people had watched the Dirk School station.
“Nobody watched the Dirk station,” he told us. “Everybody in town was watching us.”
“Yes!” Ms. Cuddy shouted. “Victory is ours! We’re number one! We’re number one!”
She started dancing all over the room, laughing and yelling and screaming and shrieking and hooting and hollering and generally freaking out.
“Man,” Alexia said, “Ms. Cuddy is going overboard.”
Why is everybody always talking about boats?
Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe the army will find out that the monsters were just kids dressed up like monsters. Maybe Mr. Cooper will stop throwing apples at doctors. Maybe we’ll buy a thousand refrigerators and put them in the playground. Maybe they’ll get a life on Mars. Maybe everybody will stop thinking in boxes and talking about boats all the time. Maybe we’ll rent some eyeballs. Maybe basketball players will stop dribbling all over the floor. Maybe Ms. Cuddy will go to a doctor and get her ears checked. Maybe Andrea will stop singing songs from Annie all the time. Maybe those jerky Dirk dorks will stop eating bugs and throwing water balloons at each other. Maybe Ryan will stop taking baths in his kitchen sink. Maybe we can talk Ella Mentry into giving us another million dollars.
But it won’t be easy!
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About the Author and Illustrator
Photo by Howard Wolf
DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.
Credits
Cover art © 2015 by Jim Paillot
Copyright
MY WEIRDEST SCHOOL #2: MS. CUDDY IS NUTTY! Text copyright © 2015 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2015 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2014949454
ISBN 978-0-06-228424-2 (pbk.) — ISBN 978-0-06-228425-9 (lib. bdg.)
EPub Edition © June 2015 ISBN 9780062284266
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FIRST EDITION
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* I bet you never thought that this book would be EDUCATIONAL!
* Hey, how come this book is called Ms. Cuddy Is Nutty! but it doesn’t have anybody named Ms. Cuddy in it? That’s weird.
* What would we do with more eyeballs anyway? And where would you get eyeballs? I don’t even think you can rent them.
* “Thriller” is a cool video. You should watch it.
* Hey, do you know where zombies go swimming? In the Dead Sea.
