She wanted to defy him, wanted desperately to repay him for abandoning her with a refusal to yield, but more than that, she wanted to beg him to stop. In the end, she did just as he ordered, although she gasped out the request for the stripe to be repeated and then clamped her jaws together so tightly in anticipation it made her head hurt.
"Here's number four again, then," he said in his deep, still voice and tapped her blazing bottom softly a half dozen spine-tingling times before laying down another line of pure fire.
Five deep scarlet ribbons stood up angrily on her defenseless, clenching bottom cheeks, one striped just below the other already, and now he was in the tenderest of territory. He prayed she would let go and let it be over with the seven he had already promised her. Every instinct he relied on told him he had to help her break the barrier she had erected, but doing so was coming close to breaking his heart.
"Give me your hand," he ordered with grim determination, and after a moment's hesitation, she thrust her right hand back. He took it in his and placed it against her swollen skin. "Can you feel the stripes? I can. I can feel them and see them and they look like they must hurt an awful lot. I want you to know how different this is from my hand or my belt. Put your fingers on the stripes, Andee, and remember they're going to be there tomorrow and the next day, too. You're not going to enjoy the ride home and they may distract you a little at test time tomorrow, but you earned them. You worked hard for them. I want you to thoroughly appreciate them."
She hated the humiliation of tracing the raised lines across her trembling bare cheeks, knowing he was watching her, knowing he was going to add to the number. She never wanted to experience this white hot pain again. She wanted it to be over. She could feel something threatening to break loose inside her when she thought about what else lay in store for her, but she fought it down and withdrew her hand into a fist again, determined to hold on.
Nick could feel her marshalling all her forces and knew she was determined to win. If she did, it would all have been for nothing. He bit his lip and made sure the sixth stripe took her in the tenderest portion of her bottom and with the sharpest sting yet. She went absolutely still under his hand for a moment, and then she half rose as the wall inside her tumbled. She screamed a long "Ohhh" and then broke into wracking sobs while she twisted, in vain, against further assault. In mercy, he forgave her the failure to count and did not add to her total, simply making the seventh a sizzling repeat of the one before it and calling it quits. He was grateful beyond words that it was finally over.
Her gasping sobs tore at his heart, but he rejoiced in them, as well. She seemed not to realize it was finished until he gathered her into his arms and held her tightly while she wept away not only the pain he had delivered but the deeper agony she had been clinging to.
Through the storm, he cradled her with firm gentleness, pressing soft kisses into her hair and murmuring soothing words. When, exhausted and empty, she finally moved to the level of shuddering teary sighs, he allowed her to give herself whatever comfort she could with her cupped palms.
"Are you all right, little one?" he asked finally when she was still and quiet against him.
She nodded and pulled back a little in his embrace. "I am. I th-think I r-really am. I'm s-sorry."
"I know. It's okay now. You're going to be fine. Andee, I promise you, you're going to make it. You were amazing. I'm so proud of my girl."
"I'm tired," she whispered.
He scooped her up in his arms, walked a few feet away, and then put her down gently on the soft old quilt, rolling her onto her side before he lowered himself behind her. He was careful to touch only her unmarked skin as he offered comfort. She was asleep before he could fully stretch out.
It was the best he could have hoped for.
*****
The ride home, three hours later, was truly peaceful, although Andee endured it curled on her side and facing him.
"Shall I stay with you tonight?" he asked as they entered the city again.
Andee thought her heart would burst with happiness. "Yes. Oh, yes, please. I'm afraid I'll get myself all worked up again if I'm alone."
"You won't, because now you know exactly what will happen to you if you do. But I'd like to be with you. I think it will help both of us rest better. You can let Leila know I'll take care of things tonight and in the morning and you'll still meet her at the library after your exam. I'm going to drop you off at home while I go back to my place and pack a bag."
She smiled at him happily and ran a careful hand over the tender curve of her bottom. "Just promise me there won't be any switches in that bag. I don't ever want to meet one of those again."
"I hope you don't have to, but all I can ever promise is that I'll give you exactly what you need, when you need it. It really is all up to you, Andee."
It was a new concept entirely for a young woman who had grown up believing her power was useful only for securing pleasant things. The idea that, in Mr. Benjamin's company at least, she could also purchase painful consequences was a sobering one, but it was also full of a type of security and peace she had never known before.
They spent a quiet night, enjoying the Chinese takeout he brought in with his overnight bag and finishing the wine and strawberries while he read her the opening chapters of Rick Bragg's All Over but the Shoutin'.
She was enchanted with the rhythm of the story and the way Mr. Benjamin's baritone delivered the prose. Neither of them mentioned Hamlet; neither of them mentioned the books tucked under her bed. Yet both of them imagined what it would be like to share them.
Not even her failure to see his face as he administered the drops for the final time dimmed Andee's pleasure in the quiet evening. Tomorrow, she thought contentedly as she slid into sleep, lying just above the mattress he had placed on the floor a few minutes before. Tomorrow, everything would be clear between them.
*****
He woke before Andee Monday morning and was showered, dressed and scrambling eggs by the time she made it into the kitchen.
"You must get up with the birds," she yawned.
"Actually, they did wake me this morning. I think you must have a very nervous new mama on a nest somewhere close by."
"I thought I would be. Nervous, you know. But I don't think I am. At least, not yet. Can you hand me a Diet Coke out of the fridge?" There was a space when the only sounds she could hear were the soft scrape of the spatula brushing against the stainless steel skillet as Mr. Benjamin stirred the eggs and hummed under his breath. She sighed. "Okay then, may I have a glass of orange juice? Please, Sir."
"Of course. Give me half a minute to get your eggs and toast on the plate and I'll get the glass out of the freezer. It's been chilling for you. It will wake you right up."
"I'm all giddy at the thought," she sighed, although the smell of a home-cooked breakfast was quickly overriding her desire for caffeine and chocolate. It would just never do to confess such a thing to Mr. Benjamin.
*****
They arrived at the university library fifteen minutes ahead of test time and were just making themselves comfortable in the small study room when Dr. Haynesworth put in an appearance. The image of his round, pudgy face, topped by a wild mop of frizzled orangey-red hair and a wispy little moustache and goatee that had given up the battle and gone gray popped into Andee's mind as soon as she detected the odor of wet dog that seemed to envelop him. Funny, she thought. She had always recoiled from the smell when he strayed too close to her in the classroom, but she had never been able to label it before. She heard him close the door behind him and knew from the squeak of furniture across the wooden floor that Mr. Benjamin had stood up. He introduced himself as Miss Carlisle's reader and the professor responded in a distracted fashion, suggesting they proceed as quickly as possible.
"I think you will be very pleased with Miss Carlisle's grasp of the subject, sir. She has worked very hard under difficult circumstances," Mr. Benjamin said over the flurry of sound that accompanied bo
th men taking their seats. She could tell the professor was at the far end of the oblong study table. Mr. Benjamin was across its width from her, close enough to speak at an ordinary conversational level, but too far to make physical contact.
She wished he were beside her. She needed to be able to take in his clean, fresh scent and hear his calm breathing to shut out the distractions from Dr. Haynesworth, who was replaying his classroom habit of waggling a pencil back and forth against the desktop.
"Yes, well, we shall see. Most unfortunate. I confess I have my doubts about whether she can possibly pass the test, given the amount of classroom time she has lost, but I did promise to give her the opportunity, so let's get on with it. I have several things to do this morning."
"I think she may surprise you, professor," Andee said with some asperity. "But she does appreciate your sitting in on the exam, and she will try not to take up too much of your time."
Nick covered his grin with one hand and reached toward Haynesworth with the other to take the test questions. Then he turned on the recorder and cleared his throat, willing the girl who could not see the confidence in his eyes to hear it in his voice as he read the exam.
A little over two hours later, he clicked off the machine and slid the list back across the table to Andee's professor. He wanted to catch her up in a huge bear hug and whisper in her ear how very, very proud he was of her. She had faltered only once, but had recovered so beautifully in her explanation of the ghost's role that he was not sure Haynesworth had even noticed.
He could scarcely wait for the man to take himself off to whatever business he needed to take care of so he could grab a few moments to celebrate with Andee before he had to rush to the Buckley offices. That was not to be, however.
Gerald Haynesworth cleared his throat several times and made a show of shuffling the test questions back into their folder and rescuing the taped interchange from the recorder.
"Commendable, Miss Carlisle. I must say, you seem to have warmed to the subject. I can only wonder what finally claimed your attention."
"Well, I suppose you could say Mr. Benjamin had a hand in that," she said sweetly and then turned a wicked grin on the reader. "He was quite firm about getting me focused."
"Indeed. Well, I'm sure you have things to do, Mr. Benjamin. I would like a few minutes in private with my student if you have no objections."
In fact, he had several, not the least of which was that he did not want to leave Andee alone with the man who had treated her as though she were not quite bright enough to understand his comments on her own.
"It's all right, Mr. Benjamin," Andee said calmly, her little chin firmly set so that he was reassured she could handle anything else the professor might throw at her and was anxious to do so. "I'll let you know how everything turns out. I promise."
He squeezed her shoulder gently in passing around the table, then slipped out the door. He chose the back stairs and a side exit of the library that put him closest to the parking lot, cursing the meeting with his employer and wanting nothing more than to hold Andee's soft little hand through her next big test.
*****
At 1:30, he wheeled into the parking lot and pulled into a space directly in front of Andee's door. He had no idea what Reynolds T. Buckley had droned on about for the past two hours of the office conference, certainly nothing that should have taken precedence over seeing his girl through her final challenge. He was cautioning himself to shake off the irritation he felt over the waste of time and trying to decide if it made more sense to wait for Leila to bring Andee back home after her appointment or to drive to the clinic instead, but risk missing them. How long could a 12:30 appointment to determine if she had recovered her sight last, he wondered nervously.
He had talked himself into taking a chance on the clinic and was just preparing to start the engine when an ancient yellow Volkswagen wheeled in next to him. He heard a burst of laughter through his open window as two young women stepped out of the car.
The driver he had never laid eyes on before, but the other he knew very well. It was Andee. Her sunglasses were in place, but her slow twirl before she stepped up the curb and onto the sidewalk told him clearly she could see.
Nick fumbled for his phone, preparing to type in a message to his special student, but willing to give Leila a few minutes alone with her in the apartment first. Still, he was hoping the busy young woman would leave soon. He wanted the moments when they celebrated Andee's triumphs to be for the two of them alone, and he could scarcely wait to look into her eyes for the first time.
The two friends paused on the sidewalk while Andee searched the depths of her purse for keys to the apartment.
"I don't know how you put up with him," he heard Leila say. "Thank heavens I never had to actually meet him. But I've seen him from a distance, and he's old enough to be your grandfather. No wonder he's such an idiot about Hamlet. He's practically a ghost himself."
"Well, not quite, but he's close. At least I don't need him anymore. I can shut—no, make that slam and lock the door on that part of my life. I just hope I never have to lay eyes on him. Do you know how hard it was to make nice all that time? And the way he smells. It made me want to throw up. Remember when we said my tutor would have an odor like mothballs and would probably want cups of tea? Well, it was worse than that."
She fit the key in the door while they giggled helplessly and then they disappeared inside, leaving him with nothing more to hear but the noise of traffic a block away and the scolding of the mother bird whose afternoon routine had been upset by their arrival.
For a moment, as he reached to twist the key in the ignition, Nick thought he might be going blind himself. Then he realized it must simply be the tears in his eyes. When he blinked a few times, they disappeared, leaving him free to drive slowly away and contemplate the death of his hopes and dreams privately.
*****
Andee headed for the refrigerator as soon as she stepped into the apartment.
"I think there's some wine. Let's celebrate. I never have to see Professor Gerald Haynesworth again. Never need to hold my breath to keep from smelling his old nasty dog odor. Never have to be nice to him so he'll give me the grade I deserve. I am free forever. Plus, I got an A out of the class. Can you believe it? When he told Mr. Benjamin he wanted to talk to me alone, I was sure he was going to tell me he was going to flunk me anyway. But he was actually pretty decent about it. I just kept hoping he wasn't going to get too close to me. Thank goodness I had the appointment with Dr. Wilson. I got out of that room as fast as I could, let me tell you."
She filled glasses for each of them and danced back to Leila, who was sitting on the futon. Andee took her seat in the chair, hoping Leila hadn't noticed the long stare she directed toward it before sitting down. In that moment, she envisioned herself, first bent over it to accept the discipline Nick Benjamin knew she needed and then cradled in it on his lap. She swallowed hard as she sank into its depths and sipped the wine he had purchased just for her.
Mr. Benjamin had always believed in her; believed she would do her best on the exam; believed she would see again. She couldn't wait to share the good news. Surely the Buckley meeting couldn't go on too much longer. Then he would be free to come to her. She would see his face for the very first time. Who knew what might happen after that?
Suddenly, she regretted the glass of wine. What if Leila was still sipping when Mr. Benjamin knocked on her door?
"Oh, goodness me. I didn't realize I was so tired," she said, stretching into what she hoped was a convincing yawn. "I guess I really need a nap. I know you've got things to do, too. Don't worry about me anymore. I can take care of myself now, but I'll always be so grateful, Leila. You've been the very best friend I could ask for."
"You would have done the same for me. Now, don't forget, it's party time. You name the time and place and I'll spread the word." Leila set her half empty wine glass down on the end table and stood up. "Oh, Andee, I'm just so glad about all your good
news, honey. I know everything's going to be perfect for you now."
"I think it just might be," Andee smiled happily and hugged her friend cheerfully out the door.
Chapter Fourteen
By six, deep gloom was descending on her world.
She had waited patiently for an hour after arriving home, showering and washing her hair, putting on a little makeup and spritzing her best perfume, listening tensely for the arrival of a car in the parking lot or the scrape of a shoe outside her door.
They never came. Her phone, too, was silent. The only emails were spam or brief notes from friends who had heard her good news second-hand.
She had poured over the call history on her phone, but all contact with Mr. Benjamin had been erased, so she had no way to find him. By the time she gave in to the temptation to contact Buckley Resources, the office was closed for the day. She came close to panic at the thought that he must be sick or hurt somewhere as the night dragged on. But she could not think of a way to find out for sure. It occurred to her for the first time that she had no idea where he lived, who his friends were, or even the kind of car he drove. She couldn't even walk the streets, searching for his face, since she had no idea what he looked like.
It was the longest night of her life, worse even than when she had spent her first evening in total darkness.
At nine Tuesday morning, she was standing in the offices of Buckley Resources, having finally uncovered the address of the company.
"I need to find one of your employees," she said in what she hoped was a steady voice. "It's Mr. Nick Benjamin."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Benjamin—"
"Sorry? What's wrong? Oh, I knew it. I knew it. Is he sick? Hurt?"
The receptionist drew back a bit and Andee realized she was leaning over the desk, her anxiety driving her into the woman's personal space. "I mean, I'm just concerned about him. He was my reader, and we were supposed to see each other yesterday afternoon, but he never came, and he didn't call, and that's so unlike him. I mean he's never even been late before, and then not to show up at all. I know something's terribly wrong. Please, you have to tell me."
Reading Her Heart Page 14
