"Never again," I promise.
I'm in my car on the way to the hospital to have lunch with Emerson when my mind drifts back to the visit I just had with my sister. I feel a little bit lighter after finally coming clean with her about my miscarriage. I even told her about mine and Logan's struggle to conceive after the loss of our baby.
When we first decided to start trying for a baby, we were having fun. We would sneak off on lunch breaks, and Logan would take me to the lake and make love to me under the stars. Everything was perfect. Now our sex life has been taken over with fertility doctors, calendars, and ovulation tests. The spontaneity is gone. And even though I know Logan and my relationship is solid, our clinical sex life is a dark cloud looming over our heads. I feel it, and he feels it. The problem is, neither one of us is saying anything.
Alba suggested Logan and I talk about everything. She's right. This whole situation is going to drive a wedge between us if we continue to stay silent. We need to get back to us. That means no more doctors. No more sex schedules and worrying about when I'm ovulating. Logan and I have to make our marriage a priority. Somewhere along the way we lost a little bit of ourselves, and I am determined to get it back.
Pulling up to the hospital, I park and fire off a quick text to Emerson letting her know I'll meet her in the cafeteria. We have become quite close over the past couple of years. She works a lot of hours, so I make it a point to come as often as I can to have lunch with her. Eating in the hospital cafeteria is easier for her, so that's where I'm going now. When she is not working, she and I will catch a movie or go shopping. She has slowly been opening up to all the guys and even comes to the clubhouse on occasion. Though she still won't give Quinn the time of day. Walking into the cafeteria, I spot her from across the room when she lifts her hand giving me a wave.
"Hi," I greet her with a smile sitting across from her.
"Hey yourself. Here, I already got yours," she says sliding a plastic container with a salad across the table.
"Thanks. The next one is on me," I tell her before taking my first bite. "How's Alba and the baby?"
I smile again, "Perfect. Val is beautiful, and Gabe is a mess. I swear that boy is his father made over. He's so serious about everything," I laugh.
After a few minutes of catching up, Emerson is quiet for a moment. I've come to know her well, and I can tell by the look on her face something is bothering her. "Alright, talk to me Em," I encourage.
She lets out an exhausted breath. "I really shouldn't talk about this, but I had a pregnant woman in labor come into the ER yesterday. Immediately, I could tell she was on something. She delivered a baby girl early at thirty-four weeks."
Reaching across the table, I squeeze her hand. "Oh no. Is the baby okay? Did she make it?" I choke out. She is a strong woman to cope with the things she deals with on a daily basis.
"She did make it. She's upstairs in the NICU. I can deal with a lot of tragedy, Bella, but babies," she trails off shaking her head. "When I did my NICU rotation, it was by far the most challenging time in my life." Meeting my eyes, Emerson visibly swallows. "You want to know what the worst part is? Her mother abandoned her. After she was born, she didn't even ask about her. She didn't care if she was dead or alive. Not even twenty-four hours after she gave birth she up and left."
My hand covers my mouth in shock, and I feel anger bubble up in me. Here I am, a woman who would give anything to have such a precious gift yet struggles to conceive and then you have a woman that can blatantly leave her baby behind.
Using her napkin to dry her tears, Emerson apologizes. "I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to unload all that on you. Sometimes certain cases get to me."
"Don't apologize for something like that. You know I'm here for you anytime you need to talk. Don't keep your emotions bottled up inside." Like I've been doing. Emerson knows nothing about my miscarriage. Aside from my confession to my sister, I haven't told anyone.
"Thank you, Bella." After a moment of silence, she speaks up again. "I've been going to check on the baby every chance I get. The NICU is low on volunteers right now, so I try to visit all the babies when I can."
"What kind of volunteers?" I ask.
"It's something we call Cuddle Buddies." Emerson goes on to explain. "Parents who have a baby in the NICU can't always be by their baby's side. Moms are discharged and have to go home and leave their child behind. It's difficult not getting to take your baby home. So not only is the volunteer giving comfort to the baby but the parents as well. When a mom or dad is at home or work, they have the comfort of knowing their son or daughter is getting the attention they deserve. A volunteer must hold the baby, rock them to sleep, feed them. A lot of the time the baby will cry simply because he or she needs someone to hold them, and it's hard for a nurse to give too much-undivided attention to one baby when she has several to tend to. Then you have babies like the one I was just telling you about. She's going through withdrawal from whatever her mother was on. She is having a hard time."
By the time Emerson is through explaining the program to me, my heart is breaking. And it's also telling me I need to help. I can't explain it, but there is a voice inside me telling me this is something I need to do. "I want to help," I say without hesitation.
Giving me a big smile, Emerson nods. "That's wonderful, Bella."
"What do I have to do? When can I start?" I ask.
"I can walk you upstairs now if you'd like. There is paperwork to be filled out, and of course, an interview and they will require a health exam. We can't take any chances on the babies getting sick. Their immune systems are weak. Are you okay with all this?"
We walk side by side out of the cafeteria, "Yes. I'll do whatever is necessary. I want to help."
Having Emerson vouch for me sped up the process, so a few hours later I've filled out all necessary paperwork, been interviewed and had a check-up. I was informed everything looked good and that I could come in tomorrow for my first shift. I told the hospital evening shifts were good for me. I can come over every day after I'm done working at the garage.
Walking out of the hospital, I make my way across the parking lot towards my car. A sense of peace washes over me. It's time to take all the energy I've been wasting on stressing over mine and Logan's struggles and put it towards something positive. Sliding into my car and letting the top down, I close my eyes a moment feeling the warm breeze on my face and smile. It's time to go home to my husband.
The sun is beginning to set as I pull into mine and Logan's driveway. I don't see Logan's bike, so I know he's not home from work yet. Walking into the house, I head upstairs with determination. When I walk into the master bathroom my eyes fall to the counter where it's littered with ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, and an abundance of vitamins. Reaching down, I pick up the small trash bin and begin chucking everything into it. No more damn tests. No more damn vitamins. Just, no more.
"Angel, what are you doing?" Logan's deep voice asks from the doorway, startling me.
"I'm exhausted, Logan," I say giving him a quick glance before continuing the task at hand. "I love you, Logan and I want us to have a baby more than anything, but I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of all this shit," I declare. "I'm tired of the planned sex. I'm tired of the disappointment after yet another negative pregnancy test. I'm sick of what our lives have become." Stopping what I'm doing, I set the trash bin down and look up at my husband. His expression not one of anger or sadness. No, he looks relieved. That very look is all I need to see to know I'm making the right decision. "I miss us," I admit.
Covering the distance between us, Logan stands toe to toe with me and brings both hands up to cup my face. "I miss us too, Angel."
A split second later my breath hitches when I see heat flair in Logan's eyes and his mouth crashes down on mine. Fisting my hands in his hair, I bite down on Logan's bottom lip causing him to growl. The next several seconds are a dazed frenzy. We begin tearing at each other's clothes. Once I pull his shirt over his head, Logan grabs aho
ld of mine ripping it open. I faintly hear buttons hitting the floor the same time I make work of unbuckling his belt, before reaching inside his jeans freeing his already hard cock. The sight has me licking my lips wanting a taste.
Reading my thoughts, Logan says, "You can have my cock in your mouth later, babe. Right now I need to be inside you."
Once he rids me of my shorts, Logan swipes his hand across the bathroom counter causing everything to crash to the floor. Picking me up by my ass, he sets me down on the edge where he pulls my panties to the side and buries his cock inside of me with one thrust causing me to scream out his name.
"So fuckin' wet," he rasps pulling all the way out leaving only the head of his cock inside me, making me whimper in protest.
"Look down, Angel. I want you to watch as I fuck you," he demands. And I'm all too eager to listen. I immediately look down at us and watch as Logan's thick cock slides in and out of me.
"That's it, watch your husband fuck your tight pussy."
Logan's dirty mouth fuels my impending orgasm and I feel myself begin to clamp down on his cock.
"Not yet. You don't come until I tell you to," Logan orders. "Please, I need to come," I beg.
"Not yet, Bella," he growls while digging his fingers into my hips, slamming into me so hard my head thumps into the mirror behind me.
"Logan," I start chanting. Bringing his hand between us he uses his thumb to rub over my swollen clit, and I can no longer hold back.
"Fuck, Angel," he grinds through clenched teeth right before he buries his face in my neck. I throw my head back and scream out my orgasm the same time Logan plants himself deep inside me and roars his release.
This… this is what we have been missing.
Chapter Three
LOGAN
After tying up a few loose ends at the shop, I decided to ride out to my dad's place. Earlier this morning I got a text from Nikolai telling me our dad was flying in and wanted to see the both of us. His timing is perfect because I plan on asking him if he has a place I can take Bella away to for a few days.
Knowing Bella and I are on the same page with the baby making has done wonders with the stress I've been under. The two of us getting out of town is a much welcome idea.
The gate opens as I make my way down his long driveway. I pull up alongside my brother's car and park my bike. As I begin to climb up the steps, the front door opens.
"Ah, it's good to see you, son. Come, let's catch up." My dad greets me.
After he pulls me in for a quick hug, we make our way into the living room where Nikolai is relaxing in a deep-seated leather chair next to the fireplace.
"Logan, good to see you. Would you like a drink?" He asks me.
"A cold beer sounds good," I reply sitting down on the couch. Leaning back, I stretch my left arm over the back of the couch and stare out at the water through the large window. I come out here at least once a week to hang with my brother, that is when he isn't hanging out at the club. I've watched how well he has adapted to being here in Polson over the past couple of years, and how much he loves his job with the construction company. We've also gotten to know each other, and there is definitely a lot of layers to Nikolai Volkov.
Handing me my beer, my dad takes a seat beside me. "It feels good to see you both."
My brother chuckles as he sips his glass of bourbon, "We talk at least once a week, Father. What is there to miss?"
"Yes, but that is not the same as being here, son." Leaning forward, he places his elbows on his knees and swirls the amber liquor in his tumbler, "I've decided to make a permanent move to the States," my dad adds.
Nikolai and I exchange a look of confusion. I'm the one to question him as to why. "Everything okay? The family in danger?" It's one of the first assumptions that comes to mind. Maybe because trouble seems to weasel its way in lately wherever my family is involved, so I guess you can say I'm a little defensive.
"No," he tells us sternly and with conviction, then smirks, "I'd like to see someone try and touch my family. Death would be swift,” he finishes.
I know who Demetri Volkov is and what his reach can and will do to those who oppose him or stand in his way. It’s the rest of the world who never wants to know.
"To be honest, I want to be with my family, my boys. And I'm bored. I can run things from here for awhile. I'll fly back when needed." He tells us.
I'm not about to question him further. By the look on my brother's face, he doesn't look too thrilled with the new-found information. He has gotten used to having the place to himself, minus the staff. Setting his glass down, Nikolai stands and walks over to the window. He silent for a moment before turning around to address our father.
"Who are you leaving to run things back home?"
I watch as my father's expression changes. "Sergei is under strict orders to always report to me. Always. Nothing has changed. You are questioning my decision?"
"It's not you I question. I've never liked Sergei. You are aware we never got along. I don't trust him." He looks at our father.
Leaning back Demetri sighs, "I have others watching as well, son. He has given no reason for me not to trust him. Sergei has been loyal to this family for many years. He is like a brother to me."
I feel so out of place right now. Clearing my throat, I cut through the tension building between the two of them. "I wanted to ask a favor," I direct my attention towards my dad.
"Name it," his baritone voice comes out smooth and relaxed as he sinks back against the couch.
"I would like to take Bella somewhere for the weekend," I rub the back of my neck with my right hand. I feel awkward asking a personal favor from him, "You happen to have a place we could use for that purpose?"
He smiles, "I have several. You want something in the States or out?" he asks.
"Something close," I tell him.
He sits for a moment and rubs the scruff that has grown on his face. "I have a place in Seattle. Would that be suitable?"
It's drivable. "Yeah, that would be great," I inform him.
"Then it's settled. I'll make some calls and have the place ready for you. Everything okay with the two of you?" he studies me.
It felt good to open up a little to Jake. Talking to Quinn helped as well. Maybe I should share with my dad and brother as well. "We've been going through a rough patch. Not with our relationship, but with trying to start a family. A while back Bella suffered a miscarriage before we could confirm and share the news with everyone. Keeping it from everyone has taken its toll on us." I confide in them.
My brother sits back down. His attention focused on me right along with my dad.
"I'm sorry to hear of this, son. My money is at your disposal. Doctors and specialist, whatever you should require we can get," my dad assures me.
Nikolai leans forward in his chair, "I'm your brother, Logan. You could have talked to me,” he says with sincerity.
I sigh and shift my positioning on the couch, "We didn't share with anyone. Too much going on. We didn't want to overshadow all the good happening around us,” I tell them.
"Why don't you go to Bella, tell her about your plans. Things will work out. This I know. I feel it. Just know we are always here for you, Logan. We have plenty of time to continue to become the family we are meant to be," Demetri finishes.
He's right. We are all still trying to navigate being family. Learning to be a father, son, and brother. Nearly an hour later I leave my father and brother's place and head home. Bella should be back by now.
When I pull up in the driveway, she is climbing out of her car. Rolling up beside her, I usher for her to climb on. She doesn't ask why. With a bright smile she climbs on and wraps her arms around my waist, and I take off towards our place.
By the time we arrive, the lake is aglow from the sun dipping in the sky. As always, I help her off and grab the rolled-up blanket from the back of the bike. We walk to our usual spot, spread the cover and sit with her between my legs. We let the quiet and stillness seep
into our souls for a short time before I begin to tell her of my plans for the weekend. "I took some time off from work. Mostly the weekend,"
"You could use a break," she responds and pulls my arms around her a little tighter.
"When we get home, I'm going to need you to pack your bag. I'm taking you out of town," I tell her.
"For how long?" she questions.
"Just for the weekend, Angel. My dad has a place in Seattle we can use."
Silence engulfs us once more. I know what she is thinking. What that bastard from Los Demonios did to her happened in Washington. I'm hoping she has healed emotionally enough to return to the state.
She sighs, "I'll be with you, and that’s all that matters."
I kiss the top of her head. We continue to watch the sunset through the trees. Just as the horizon turns from burnt orange to a deep purple, we pack up and hit the road. We ride for another hour until the sky is so black all you see are the stars blanketing the night sky before heading home.
Chapter Four
BELLA
I can't believe Logan is taking me to Seattle. When I came into work this morning, Jake called me to his office. He sat me down and confessed Logan told him about our situation. He also said he ordered Logan to take some time off and then ordered me to do the same. I happily agreed. I'm sure Logan has already talked to Jake about our upcoming trip. Logan and I need to decompress. This getaway is very much needed.
While sitting on a stool at the counter, placing an order for parts on the computer, I close my eyes and my skin prickles at the memory of Logan taking me in the bathroom. My husband owns me- mind, body, and soul. His body reminded mine what passion is supposed to feel like. It's been far too long since I have felt that.
"How ya doing darlin'?" Quinn asks from behind me, bringing me back to the present.
Looking at him over my shoulder, I give him a warm smile. "I'm doing okay. What about you?"
DEFY_The Kings Of Retribution MC Page 2
