“Please tell me about you, now. Please tell me what I don’t understand.” I couldn’t talk about Ana or Eva anymore. I wasn’t a hero. I was a failure. While I could believe that I was some small bit of peace in their death, I couldn’t believe that I truly gave them freedom. I wanted them to escape.
I wanted them to be free so that I could be free.
“I… you…” She faltered with where to start and smiled sheepishly at me. “I’ve thought about telling you this your whole life, but haven’t ever known where to start. And I’ve treated you terribly. I’ve never been the mother you needed or deserved. I’ve never been the person you needed me to be. But you have to know that it was to protect you.”
The old doubt and cynicism reared through my body and I shook my head at her. “You’re going to have to explain that one to me with a lot more words.”
She let out a shaky laugh and nodded. “You know, I was a lot like you when I was younger. I hated this life, I hated Nix and I hated what he expected me to do. Back then we were younger when we started in the business. I was eighteen when I went to auction. Now Nix keeps you until you’re a little bit older because he can train you longer, make you worth more. But back then we went to work the minute we left high school. And that first night… I… He sold me to a god. He sold me to Moros, the god of doom. I just… I wish I would have had someone like you back then with me. Someone to run with. Someone to die with.” Her words were spoken so casually but so truthfully that my eyes misted with more tears. “But I didn’t. I had tried to run several times before that night. But Nix caught me. He always caught me. I didn’t have the prophecy attached to me like you did, but back then I was his favorite. And I had this friend that always wanted to go with me. We were close like you and Exie and Sloane are close, but I was always too afraid to take her with me. We were both legacies in the same year, but I didn’t think we would make it if we both went. She didn’t feel the same way and followed my example and she… ran. She didn’t get very far before Nix found her and killed her. That was the night I realized I was Nix’s favorite. That was the night I realized I might be able to live through this. Looking back now, I can see how stupid I was. I didn’t plan, I would just take off and try to get as far as I could. I think the night I went to Moros was a culmination of all the shit I put Nix through. He finally gave me the punishment he thought I deserved. I won’t talk about that night, so don’t ask. Just know that I was never the same. In one night, I lost my hope, my will to live and any survival instinct I had ever possessed. I gave up.” She ran a shaking hand through her hair. “And you would have, too. If you had the night that I did and Nix threatened to send you back if you ever ran again, you would never run. You wouldn’t. No matter what you’ve seen or been through up until now, you haven’t had a night like I did. You haven’t seen the things that I saw. I still can’t muster the courage to run, Ivy and that was twenty-two years ago!”
I thought about how drastically Evaleen and Anaxandra had changed. How a few hours spent with Ky and Crete had destroyed their souls. I thought about Anaxandra being beaten to death on the side of a highway in the desert or Evaleen breaking a mirror in that airport bathroom just to escape in any way that she could. And they hadn’t even gone as far as my mother.
Maybe she was right. Maybe I would never think about running again either.
Her eyes became ghosts of a black, shriveled soul. I reached out and patted her hand but she flinched away. She was lost in some horrific memories. Slowly she shuttered the abyss of her memories and came back to me.
“From that night on, I did whatever Nix wanted. I never questioned him again. When Nix came to me about conceiving, I didn’t even think about defying him. He picked out the mark, helped me with my research and eventually introduced us. By the time I met Max, I knew everything there was to know about him. That however, did not prepare me for actually meeting him. He was… he was enigmatic and charming. He might have been drawn to the curse, but he swept me off my feet almost immediately. It was easy to play along with Max. It was easy to get wrapped up in the fantasy I was supposed to be living and give into the love he so strongly felt for me. I knew that he was sick before I ever met him, but somehow when we spent time together I would forget entirely. And then we were married and he was still sick. He declined progressively while I stood by and watched. I knew that he was fatal, I knew it, but I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around the idea of my life without him. For the first time, I actually cared about something other than myself; I actually had purpose and meaning. He was devoted to me. He was in love with me. And even if it was never real on his part, it was always real for me. The truth is, I fell in love with him. From the first few minutes of meeting him, I was as bound to him as he was to me. I found out I was pregnant with you, right when he went in for his final round of treatment, the round that would be his last. He was so excited when I told him about you. I just… I wish you could have known that about him. I wish you could have known him. He couldn’t wait to meet you. He couldn’t wait to hold you and love you and spoil you.” Tears spilled over my mother’s lower lashes and she wiped at her nose with the tips of her fingers. “He loved you so much already and he hadn’t even met you. He made us a family. It was him. It was only him. And when he died, like I knew he would, I never thought I would be able to move on. It was worse than my night with Moros. It was worse than anything else I’d ever experienced.”
“So you really loved my father?”
She nodded. “I still love him.” Shaking her head she collected herself. “I have never been the same since then. Something happened when I fell in love with Max. My… my power faded. For a while when I was with him, it was completely nonexistent and I had never been happier. The amazing thing was that Maxwell seemed to feel the same way. We were so very happy, even in the dark times, it was pure bliss. But we kill everything, don’t we? I grieved for as long as Nix could stand it and then he sent me back into the field. I didn’t think I would ever recover from Max. And Nix grew tired of waiting. He saw something in me, something unique to me. He did what he could to exploit me. Or he tried to. I really was broken for a long time after Maxwell. So, he sent me to the Fates.
“They… they convinced me to start working again. They shared prophesies about my life and what I could do for the Greeks. They painted this really pretty picture. I know that what we do, what Nix… does is awful. But the Greeks haven’t always been this way. There are plenty of our kind that would do good things for this world, that would improve things. And that appealed to me. I was rather idealistic in my youth. And I was pregnant with you and wanted you to have all the things that I couldn’t.” She sent me an embarrassed smile and I tried to reconcile the idea of who I knew my mother to be today with the image of her fighting for causes and being so consumed with love and loss that she couldn’t function. “Anyway, I was too inconsolable for even those stories of grandeur and when their promises of a better future and a restored Olympus didn’t work… well, you felt it the other day when they were in your room. They used more persuasive techniques. And when even that didn’t work, Nix threatened to take you away from me to see if I could be persuaded to go back to work after that. Obviously, I had to. I couldn’t lose you after I’d already lost Maxwell. Nix did take my money and everything else Max had given me. I handed over millions and millions of dollars and Nix’s pocketbook fattened. But I was never the same and it showed in all my work. Nix let me struggle for a while. He was furious that I’d let myself fall in love. He nearly terminated the pregnancy but I… I convinced him not to. And then you came.
“From the moment you were born we knew there was something different about you. It’s hard to explain but even the doctors and male nurses were obsessed with you as a baby. Not like they would be today, but Nix has always seen your… earning potential. He wanted to keep you. From that first day, from your first breath, he wanted to keep you. But I wouldn’t let him. I threatened to run… to take you with me. He wouldn’t
let that happen and I wouldn’t let him take you. You were the only thing I had left of Max. And even if you’ve never felt it, I loved you. More than anything, I loved you. I knew I wouldn’t get far enough before Nix caught me again, not if I tried to run and especially if I tried to run with a baby. So I made a deal with him. I would stay for him but he was not allowed to touch you. He made the concession that you were his when you turned eighteen. And I had no real power to bargain with. Really, the only thing I had was to keep working for him. To keep him happy so I could keep you. I never wanted this for you. Hell, I never wanted this for me. But, I’ve never been able to stop Nix. He’s always owned me. And now he owns you.”
“But, but, but why have you been so cold?” I demanded. “So distant? Why have you treated me like this my whole life? You’ve let Nix treat me however he wants!”
“No,” she rasped in a broken voice. “Ivy, you have no idea what I protected you from. You have no idea what demands Nix wanted to put on you! I’ve taken them all. I’ve never let him touch you. Do you think tonight was the first night he’s wanted to… that he’s wanted to…”
Okay, so maybe she had a point. “Why couldn’t you tell me any of this before? I’ve hated you my entire life.”
She held up two fingers. “For Honor. She has the chance you and I never had. I will never be the kind of mother she’s allowed to live with. And for you. I couldn’t run. Anaxandra and Evaleen couldn’t run. But you can. I wanted to make it as easy as possible for you to run.”
My entire world shook around me. The ground quaked beneath my feet and my head spun in fast circles. “You neglected me? You emotionally abused me my entire life for me?”
“Ivy, how hard is it going to be for you to leave?” She leveled me with a serious stare, her emotion finally under control again.
“It won’t be hard at all.”
“Then I’ve done my job. I’ve been the best mother I could be to you.”
I stood up. I needed space. I needed to unpack her words and take a scalding hot shower. I needed to… to breathe.
I stopped on the other side of her and looked back. One question had yet to be answered. “And the god-killer? Where did that come from?”
She looked out the picture windows at the night skyline of Omaha’s downtown. In a faint whisper she said, “From Smith’s house. I took it after Honor was born, when I left him.”
“What? Why would Smith have a god-killer?”
“I have no idea.” She shrugged casually. “You should probably ask him the next time you see him.” She stood to her feet and walked to her bedroom. She didn’t say another word to me and I knew the wall she had erected between us since I was born was firmly back in place.
Could I really believe she had sacrificed her entire life for me? That she’d forfeited whatever relationship could have been between us for me?
Did I believe she wanted to protect Honor and that she had resigned her life in servitude to Nix for the sake of her daughters?
I wanted to say no. I wanted to doubt her and mistrust her and call her a liar.
But belief and faith niggled away in the bottom of my chest no matter what I wanted. I wondered how far I would go if I had a daughter. What lengths would I take in order to protect her?
Was it so hard to believe that I would make the ultimate sacrifice in order to save her life?
No, it wasn’t.
I would never let Nix touch anything of mine. I would never let him ruin another life that I could save.
And in that moment I understood my mother better than I ever had. Maybe I didn’t love her. Maybe I didn’t even respect her. But I understood her. And I was thankful for her.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The day of the funeral the sky turned gray and the sun refused to come out. Hot rain pelted the sidewalk and created a humid steam over the brown, dried-out grass. The temperature reached sweltering and the moisture in the air only increased the misery. There was nothing nice about today.
I woke early, without the help of an alarm clock. I didn’t need one today, not when I hadn’t slept at all through the night. I pulled out a demurely modest black dress with three-quarters sleeves and a pretty lace overlay. I paired it with simple black pumps and pulled my hair into a loose bun at the nape of my neck. Makeup didn’t cover my swollen, red eyes or the bruises on my neck and jawline; but I wasn’t really concerned about those things.
I grabbed a pair of sunglasses anyway. I didn’t want to piss off Nix.
It had been four days since he’d attacked me in my room but I had to deal with him every moment in between. He’d practically moved into our house. Every morning I woke up, he was already in the apartment, working off his laptop from the dining room table. And he would stay long after I went to bed.
I sucked up my frustration and dealt with him. I didn’t really have a choice and I knew this was temporary.
I believed this would be over soon.
I had to believe it or I would crumble. The only thing that got me through every day was the promise that I would leave all this behind me very soon. In just a week and a half, Ryder and I would be gone.
All these memories would keep forever in my nightmares, but that’s where they would stay. They wouldn’t be real life anymore. They wouldn’t be my future.
Along with the hope and promises I fed myself, doubts plagued my every other thought. Ana and Eva had attempted the same thing I was going to and look what happened to them. How could I make it farther than them? Especially when they had hours of a head-start and I couldn’t even hope for that.
We had a sketchy outline of a plan and the endless desire to get out, but that was all.
If I was honest with myself, I didn’t believe we would make it. I didn’t believe I could actually shake this life and outsmart Nix.
But I knew that I had to. Whether I made it or not, I had to run.
And like Ryder said, even if I was gunned down in the middle of the street, I would still die a free person. Even in death, I would be free.
I walked into the living room and met my mother who dressed very similar to me, only she had a black bolero jacket over her sleeveless black dress and her hair was down and straightened. We looked like mirrored images of each other.
We didn’t say a word to each other. She had shared the craziest things with me the other night and then gone back to ignoring and avoiding me. I didn’t know what to think of her actions or her confessions. Could I really believe that she loved my father? That I had been born in love?
The concept seemed impossible. However, that Nix would bargain with her to keep me, to threaten her into staying… that seemed consistent with the rest of my life. If he had known from the beginning that I could be a game-changer for the Pantheon, then he would do anything in his power to control me.
Those were facts I could cope with, hard truths that made sense. The more difficult details for me to comprehend were that my mother cared about me and cared about my future, that she wanted me to leave and that she wanted Honor to stay with Smith.
My mother was an actress. I had seen her duplicity and deception every day of my life. The question I couldn’t answer, though, was if her life had been this great con to trick Nix or to trick me.
Nix stood up from his computer and snapped the lid down. He walked into the living room and looked over the two of us. He wore an immaculately tailored black suit, with a crisp white oxford and black, glossy tie. He had never been a more handsome picture of perfection than in this moment. His jacket hung off his broad shoulders with elegance only a truly confident male could pull off. His shoes shined appropriately, his bronzed skin looked attractively sun-kissed and his dark hair lay exactly right. He wasn’t the full god I witnessed a few nights ago, nor was he merely a man. He stood over us somewhere in between, somewhere in the purgatory of his life where he could not tap into his full powers nor could he tolerate the mortal body he had been cursed to.
He was terrifying.
And a
lluring.
He was the devil incarnate dressed up like an archangel.
“The car is waiting,” he announced.
My mom grabbed her purse and we followed Nix downstairs to the hired town car. He opened the front door for Ava and disguising her surprise like a pro, she slid into the passenger’s seat.
That left the backseat for only him and me.
The driver left the circle drive and took us out onto the main road. The memorial service was held at the botanical gardens further downtown. They didn’t usually hold funerals there, but apparently if you threw enough money at them, they would accommodate anything.
We weren’t exactly a religious cult and a church seemed highly inappropriate for this service. When I thought about who would attend, how their murderers would be there to show their respect, my empty stomach churned with unease.
How messed up was this world I lived in?
After a few blocks riding in silence, Nix stretched out his hand on my bare knee. I flinched from the contact, but he held firm. His body heat radiated through my skin like a chemical burn. I felt every part of his hand as it pressed into my skin and all I wanted to do was bleach my leg to get the feeling of his authoritative possession off me.
“Ivy, no scenes today,” he told me. “Stay exactly by my side unless I instruct you otherwise.”
I nodded. I would do what he said but I didn’t want to admit that verbally.
“There will be… residual effects from the stunt you pulled at the auction. I’m asking you to stay by me for your own protection. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” I finally agreed. Residual effects? From when I sang? Was that possible?
My mother glanced back at us and started to say something. “Tell her about-”
The Fall (The Siren Series) Page 25
