by LK Collins
“What’s going on, babe?”
“Leave her alone, Vincent. Just walk away.”
“Cara, just give me a second.”
Cara reluctantly slid inside the car.
Vincent placed both of his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the face. “What happened?”
I pulled out of his grip and wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. “How could you lie to me?”
“What are you talking about? I’ve never lied to you.”
“Do you think I’m stupid? I’m not a fucking idiot!” I screamed.
With worry in his eyes, he stepped closer to me. “No, I don’t, babe. What are you talking about? What happened?”
“I never should’ve opened myself up to you. I knew I should have never trusted you. Angela told me everything.”
He grabbed me again, this time, tightly around my waist and held me to him. “Baby, I never lied. You’re everything to me. I don’t know what she said to you but it’s not the truth.”
With both of my fists clenched, I slammed them on his chest as I said, “I don’t know what to believe anymore. But I know I can’t believe you.”
“What did she say to you?” he demanded.
“It doesn’t matter, Vincent. We’re done. I should’ve known better. There’s a reason why I have my rules. I shouldn’t have broken them for you. How many other girls are there?”
I stood, shaking, trying to catch my breath as the cold rain pelted my skin.
“Baby, it’s only you. It’s only been you. There is no one else in this world for me but you.” He reached for my chin and turned my face to look up into his.
I shrugged out of his grip. “I’m not stupid. I met you at a club. How many other girls have you met at that place? You know what, just forget it. I don’t want to know. Just stay the fuck away from me. You’re nothing but a goddamn liar.”
With a pleading tone, he said, “Baby, I can’t stay away from you. Don’t you get it? I love you.”
I looked at his pain-filled face as tears rolled down his cheeks mixed with the rain. “You don’t know how to love.”
I got into the car and slammed the door. Cara yelled at the driver to go.
Looking into Vincent’s eyes and seeing his tears killed me. My heart was crushed. It had been ripped out of my chest and was left bleeding on the rough pavement as his feet. I howled into Cara, and with every breath, the pain increased. I had never allowed myself to love anyone, and the one time that I did, he used me. He lied to me, and he betrayed me. Then he had the audacity to say that he loved me. He didn’t know the first thing about love.
As the world around me shattered, I gripped onto Cara. She was my only constant in this messed up world. Thinking back to Angela’s words was like a knife to my gut. She was right, he had played me.
The tears flowed through me. The pain I was experiencing was unlike anything I had ever felt before. In a short period of time, fate had brought me my soul mate. I let my walls down and lost all control, allowing myself to fall in love. I was naïve enough to only see the good in him and never questioned anything else.
The driver pulled up to the condo and quickly opened our door. Cara and I ran through the pouring rain. When we entered the condo, I dropped my shoes, which I was holding, and immediately went into my bathroom to shower. I hoped the hot water could ease a little of my pain. Cara was right behind me as I struggled to get out of my dress. Due to the rain it clung to my skin. She unzipped the back and peeled it down my body.
“Are you okay?” she asked as she turned on the water.
I didn’t answer her. It took every ounce of my energy to not collapse to the floor as I stood there lifeless. She didn’t speak again; she just continued to help me. First unclasping my bra and then she reached for my necklace. I grabbed it instinctively and pulled away, shaking my head. She nodded at me as I stepped into the shower letting the hot water flow over my numb body. I don’t think the water could’ve been hot enough to take away an ounce of my pain, but I turned it up anyway, trying to dull the ache within.
I was overcome with emotion, thinking about walking away from Vincent. I pictured his hazel eyes filled with tears when he finally said the words to me, he told me he loved me and it was all a lie. As hard as it was for me, I knew it was better to push through this now. He was a liar and tonight that point was proven to me
This is what you have to do.
I got out of the shower without even washing myself. I grabbed my robe from the back of the bathroom door and slid it on. I crawled into my bed and curled up on Vincent’s side. The pillow still held his scent. I inhaled into it deeply with everything I had, holding onto his scent, and wept into the pillow. Smelling him was too much, and I wished the blackness would take me over. That was the only way I could be free of this pain for a little while. Each minute felt like ten, and the darkness never came. It felt like hours had passed, but when I looked at the clock, it was only nine o’clock.
I heard banging on the front door, and I knew it was him. Cara came down from her room and talked to him through the door. His voice was muffled, so I couldn’t make out what he was saying. She was smart enough to not open the door. I knew if he had any way in, he would have barged in here and demanded that we speak. When the silence returned, and I lost the sound of his voice, the weeping took over again.
About an hour later, Cara came into check on me. I was awake and scooted over for her to sit down.
“Hey. How are you doing?” she asked.
“I can’t sleep, and I have a headache.”
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I had hoped you were able to get some sleep, that’s why I’ve left you alone.”
“It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault but Vincent’s.”
“I know. I hate to tell you this, but he’s still outside. He hasn’t left. I know you’re angry with him, but he’s not leaving until you talk to him. Maybe you should hear him out?”
“I can’t talk to him. I have nothing to say.”
As much as it pained me, I needed my space to regain some composure before I faced him.
“Tell him I’m sleeping, Give him the Bugatti key, and tell him to go home.”
She rubbed my back and leaned down gently kissing my tear stained cheek.
“Okay.”
She walked out of my room, leaving the door cracked. I heard her open the front door. Cara spoke softly as she repeated exactly what I had told her to say. As she spoke, I could hear him sob.
I heard him say with so much pain in his voice it was almost unrecognizable, “I’m not taking the fucking car. Please, Cara. Just let me see her. I need to talk to her. I’m losing my fucking mind. I need her to know that I didn’t cheat on her. She’s my everything.”
Cara kept her cool and continued to speak to him in a soft even tone. She was good at handling angry patients, and I could tell she was taking the same tactic with him.
“I’m sorry. She’s asleep and exhausted. I’m not going to let you wake her up. Go home and get some rest yourself. She just needs a little space. I’ll have her call you tomorrow.”
“Cara, please,” he sobbed, cursing and slammed, what sounded like his fist, on the door when Cara closed it. Cara never came back into my room, and I hoped to God that he went home. When I woke from a little sleep with a headache from so much crying, I went in to the kitchen to get myself a drink of water and some Tylenol. To my surprise, the Bugatti key was still on the counter. I peeked out of the kitchen window, and slumped on the front porch, was Vincent. He held his head in his hands and was frozen. Watching him sitting out there killed me. The man I loved, so broken and hurt. A sob escaped my throat, and he turned to the door.
“Lex, are you there?”
I put my hand over my mouth to stifle the noise. My instincts moved me to the front door, and I placed my hand on it. I wanted to be as close to him as possible. I rested my head on the door and cried, trying my best to stay as quiet as I could. Vincent spoke again, his words i
mmediately calming me. And for the first time in hours, I felt like I could breathe.
“Please baby, talk to me. I’m so sorry. You have to know that. I never meant to hurt you.”
I couldn’t stand any longer, and I yearned to be in his arms. My body slid to the floor. I know that he knew I was there, but if I stayed quiet, I could selfishly indulge in Vincent one last time.
“Baby, please let me in so we can talk. I can’t stand being away from you.”
I curled into a ball and left my hand resting on the door. Every so often he would speak to me; the sound of his voice calming everything within me. I was pressed against the cold tile floor, my body and my hand gripping the door, as if I could feel Vincent. I dozed off, letting the darkness wash away my pain.
“Sweetie, how are you today?” Cara woke me, and instantly, I wished she hadn’t. The pain of being without Vincent hit me like a mac truck.
“Why are you on the floor?” Cara asked.
I stood up and went to the kitchen window. Vincent was gone. I walked to the couch and sat, pulling my body into a tight ball. Cara covered me up with my favorite throw and sat next to me.
“I came out here to get some Tylenol and Vincent was still here. He heard me cry through the door and I was drawn to him. I couldn’t help myself from selfishly indulging in him one more time. His voice calmed me and I must’ve fallen asleep, on the floor.”
“I’m sorry. I had no idea you were out here.”
“It’s okay. There’s nothing that you could’ve done. Do you know what time he left?”
“I texted Abel after Vincent wouldn’t take the key. When I told him what had happened, he had no idea and said Vincent told them all you were feeling sick and went home. I told him Vincent was here and wouldn’t leave, that he had been on our front porch for almost an hour. He was working and said he would get someone to cover for him and come over as soon as he could. I don’t know what time that was though, I’m sorry.”
A tear rolled down my cheek as I thought of Vincent on my porch and having to be taken home by his older brother. Cara sat next to me, and I lifted my head to rest it in her lap. We sat in silence and she let me just be.
“What do you say we get out and walk to Starbucks? You need some coffee and fresh air.”
I nodded my head. I didn’t want to lie in my bed and stare as the spot Vincent normally occupied or smell his lingering scent. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep so getting out was the only other option.
The sun was bright, and the rain from the night before had dissipated. I didn’t look at his car that was still in the driveway. Thoughts of that car and us raced through my mind. I let the tears roll down my cheeks and focused on putting one foot in front of the other.
Cara walked alongside of me, not rushing my pace. She didn’t talk or force me to relive the events from the night before.
Starbucks was packed as it normally was on the weekends. All of the locals needed their Saturday morning coffee. I sat outside on one of the benches, letting the sun warm my skin while Cara went in to get our drinks. I watched the rolling clouds and blue sky. It reminded me of waking up in Vincent’s bed. I closed my eyes, and the feeling of the warm sun on my skin felt like his body wrapped around mine.
Cara came out, interrupting my daydream, and handed me my drink. “Are you feeling okay?”
I shrugged my shoulders and got to my feet, walking away without answering her. I was unable to talk as the tears rolled down my face and ran off of my cheeks. I didn’t bother to wipe them away. There was no point because they weren’t going to stop. I had never cried so much in all of my life. The pain was unbearable. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. My insides felt as though they had been ripped out of my chest, leaving a large fissure in their place. I thought back to the day my grandfather had passed, remembering the pain I experienced when I lost him. I watched him take his last breaths, as the cancer slowly killed him and it didn’t even compare to what I was feeling right now.
“What are you going to do today? I have to work at two o’clock.” Cara said.
What was I going to do? I sure as hell wasn’t going to sit at home alone, and wallow in my self-pity. Since I couldn’t go to work with Cara, I needed to figure out on my own how to handle talking to Vincent.
“I think I’ll take a drive to clear my mind. I need to do something to keep my mind busy. I need to figure out what to say to Vincent, I can’t avoid him forever.”
“I think that’s a good idea. I do agree you need to figure out how to handle seeing and speaking to him again, before you go to work.”
I really didn’t know what else I could do. We walked up to the condo, and there was a note tucked in the front door. My heart broke; he was not going to make this easy on me.
Baby, please talk to me about what happened. You cannot believe a word that Angela said. I love you, Vincent.
I figured I would text him and tell him that I would call him later. I didn’t need him stopping by here again. I found my black clutch from last night. Tucked neatly inside was his black Amex card, my I.D., cell phone, and Vincent’s favorite lip-gloss. He said he liked the way it tasted and would always nibble it off my lips. I threw the clutch across the room and sat on one of the barstool chairs. Cara came down from her room, finding my items scattered about the living room.
“Lex, what happened?”
I didn’t answer her, what could I say besides ‘I childishly threw my clutch across the room, thinking about my ex-boyfriend nibbling lip-gloss off of my lips.’ I couldn’t believe he was my ex.
She collected my items and sat next to me. She had my phone in her hand and set my clutch on the counter. When she slid it towards me, I pushed it back.
“I can’t.”
She glanced at the screen when it flashed, and I saw the alarm on her face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, and she shrugged her shoulders. “Tell me, damn it. I can’t look at it,” I snapped.
She pressed the center button, illuminating the screen on my iPhone. “You have twenty-two missed phone calls and fifteen text messages.”
Fuck.
I snatched my phone, unable to ignore the insane amount of missed calls and texts. As I scrolled threw the call log, they were all from Vincent. I went over to the text messages and it was the same, minus one from Bridgette.
“I can’t talk to him right now.”
She nodded her head in understanding. “I know you can’t. Why don’t you take a shower and get dressed and we’ll leave at the same time?”
I knew that was what I needed to do. Then the thought of his car blocking mine in crossed my mind. I couldn’t bring myself to move the Bugatti, and I didn’t think Cara would be able to figure out how to start it, much less drive it.
“Cara, will you call Abel and ask him to pick up the car and take it to Vincent?”
I grabbed my clutch and opened it. Staring at me was his Amex card. I placed it on the counter next to the key, and I walked off without waiting for her response. I knew that Cara would do anything I needed at this point. She had always been there for me. Without her, I’m not sure what I would do.
As I stood under the scalding hot water, it didn’t ease the agony I was feeling inside. To complicate things, I wasn’t looking forward to spending the day alone. My mind was racing and I already felt anxious.
As I washed myself, thoughts of Vincent doing it for me flashed through my mind. I rinsed, trying to erase the memories, and turned the water off. As I started to dry myself I noticed the towel smelt like Vincent, and I immediately dropped it. All I wanted to do today was not think about him for one minute. But he was consuming me.
I dressed in long yoga pants, flip-flops, a tank top and a zip-up hoody. I grabbed my keys and when I picked up my cell phone, it vibrated with a text from Vincent:
Baby, please call me.
If I wanted a fighting chance at surviving work on Monday, I needed to clear my mind and put some distance between us. I text him bac
k.
I don’t know what there is to talk to about.
Cara and I went outside and the Bugatti was gone. Having his car no longer there, made me feel that much farther away from him. I was saddened by the memory of it, and now that it was gone, I felt like we were really over. I looked to Cara, and she saw the disbelief on my face.
“Abel had one of the guys from the station bring him here as soon as I texted him. He said Vince isn’t doing well, and he really wishes you would talk to him.”
I kept walking and opened the garage. Getting in my car, I avoided her insinuation that I should talk to him.
“I’m sorry, Cara. Thank you for everything,” I said.
She gave me a half smile and walked to her car with her shoulders bowed. I knew she was only trying to help. We both pulled out of the driveway and headed out of the neighborhood.
I had no destination in mind, I just drove. I felt like a zombie because I was completely zoned out. I tried to think of what to say to Vincent, when I saw him. Maybe it would be easier to just call him. He was so intense that I knew if I saw him in person, things would be so much harder to handle.
I had driven for over an hour and had not gone anywhere. I headed back home, feeling exhausted. I was desperate to clear my mind, if only for a minute. I turned up the music as loud as it would go when ‘Sail’ by Awolnation came on the radio. Prior to Vincent, music was my only release to the world around me and the thoughts that would run rampant through my mind. I let the music absorb in to me and thought of nothing but the lyrics, as I screamed to them.
I pulled up to my house and he was there.
Fuck!
I wanted to keep driving, but he saw me, and I knew he would’ve gotten in his car and followed me if I didn’t stop. I turned the music down and pulled into the driveway. I took off my sunglasses and placed them in their case, wasting as much time as I could before I got out of the car. I opened my door and mustered up as much strength as I could, slowly walking towards the porch. I tried to not look at him, but I was drawn to him like a magnet. When my eyes connected with his, the expression across his face was that of anger.
