One word of caution: this book won’t teach you how to control your teen’s behavior. The only person you can control is yourself. People often say this, yet few actually work to change themselves, trusting that others will change as a result. Somehow, when it comes to our children, we think that applying the right formula will ensure that our home will be at peace.
This isn’t a teenage behavior modification book. Instead, this book seeks to transform your understanding so that you can parent more effectively and compassionately. As you model growth and change, your teen will notice. Why? Because God has designed the world with this truth embedded at every level: everything is changed when you change.
Take Proverbs 15:1, for instance. “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare” (NLT). When your teen is angry, you have a choice. You can answer calmly and kindly, or you can return wrath for wrath. You can choose how you respond, no matter how you feel. In chapter 8, “Why Are You Freaking Out?,” we’ll share astounding physical facts undergirding the spiritual truth that when you control your anger, everything changes.
This doesn’t mean parents should excuse bad behavior “because of biology,” or that responding with gentleness will reduce your authority or lessen the chances that your teenager will “get” what you’re trying to communicate. Instead, God shows us that the best way to influence others is by being transformed ourselves.
Each chapter will demonstrate how God weaves his truth into our very biology. It’s absolutely magnificent! There’s so much to cover, so let’s head right to the construction zone: the marvelous teenage brain.
1
You Don’t Understand
“What are you talking about?”
The question came from the hall, where our fourteen-year-old had apparently been hovering, listening to us outline this book. Her head popped around the corner, and it struck me again: she looks so grown up. These days I (Jerusha) was constantly thinking—and too often for her liking, lamenting—that it was all happening too fast.
“We’re talking about teens who feel their parents don’t understand them.”
As swiftly as it had appeared, her head vanished. A small scoffing sound escaped as she beelined toward her room.
Because verbal barbs—“You don’t get it,” “You wouldn’t understand,” “You have no idea, Mom” (insert an agonized adolescent sigh here)—had been aimed at me before, I wasn’t so naïve as to believe she felt perfectly understood. Convincing myself this was about research, I followed her and asked, “Do your friends ever feel that way?”
The look she gave me spoke volumes: Are you kidding me, Mom? I thought you were writing a book about this.
“Uh, yeah. All of them.”
I can’t type the inflection she used, but the heavy drama with which she proclaimed this almost made me laugh. That, of course, would’ve spelled disaster, so I just muttered something like, “Hmm. I thought so,” and returned to where Jeramy and the laptop waited.
All of them. Though teenage girls are prone to exaggeration, in this instance I believed her. The perceived understanding gap between teens and their parents is nearly universal. It crosses socioeconomic, ethnic, and gender barriers. At some point—and, for some, at every point—teens feel misunderstood.
Some parents try to ignore or dismiss this as adolescent foolishness (“Of course I understand! Do you think I was never a teenager?”). Becoming annoyed by it (“Well, how do you expect me to understand if you won’t even talk to me?”) or paralyzed because of it is easy. After all, frustration and fear are two of the most common emotions parents experience while raising adolescents.
Deciding to press into this, however, can propel you to action and effort. Let’s start by investigating connections between this understanding gap and the radical changes happening in your teen’s brain. As you read, we hope you’ll develop compassion for your teen and discernment for parenting wisely.
Bio 101
Countless hours and billions of dollars are spent every year by parents trying to harness the potential of their child’s early years. Providing the “right” toys, books, and opportunities becomes an obsession for some. Flash cards, reading programs, “smart” toys, and enrichment classes promise to make children more intelligent, better equipped for life, healthier, and happier.
Why do parents focus so much attention on the years between birth and three? Because we know—and the scientific evidence truly is profound—that a child’s early years are incredibly important. We call them the “formative” years because what happens during this stage dramatically shapes a child’s future.
In the not-so-distant past, scientists believed that the window of opportunity for significant influence closed as a child aged. Research over the last two decades demonstrates, however, that adolescence is a second period of radical neurological change and, as a result, powerful potential.
During the adolescent years, the progressive remodeling of the brain (the combined processes of pruning unused neural pathways and making the surviving ones more efficient through myelination) creates what scientists call heightened neuroplasticity.
The word neuroplasticity derives from a combination of neuron, the term used for the basic brain cell, and the word plastic, which means “able to be molded, sculpted, or modified.” When we use the term neuroplasticity, we mean the brain’s magnificent ability to reorganize and restructure itself by responding to learning and stimulus in the environment, forming new connections, pruning old ones, even recovering from injury and illness. The brain is incredibly malleable during the adolescent years. This is a time of amazing opportunity for you and your teenager!
Understanding your adolescent begins here: teens feel misunderstood because parents expect them to stay the same, but adolescence is all about change. If you can grasp that a remarkable and massive remodeling is going on in your teen’s brain, you can develop greater compassion for the days of experimentation, exhilaration, and confusion. The process of parenting teens is one of constant and sometimes exhausting change. It seems nothing stays the same, and it’s easier to assume “My job’s almost done” when your kid hits the teen years than to believe you’re called to gear up for a second period of incredible significance. Bridging the understanding gap starts with recognizing that your teenager’s brain is highly impressionable.
Neural remodeling occurs in a relatively systematic way, from the back of the brain to the front. In practical terms, this means particular brain structures are under construction at different times and some for far longer than others. As these massive alterations occur, you can exercise patience and discernment. Though understanding your transforming teen is a challenge, it’s not impossible.
After areas responsible for balance, coordination, and sensory processing, one of the first areas of the teenage brain to be pruned and myelinated is the emotional center of the brain, the limbic system. Teenagers feel high highs and low lows, in part, because the structures in their brains that control emotions undergo serious renovation. When your teen flips out, picture yourself putting on a hard hat. You and your adolescent are in a construction zone, so be aware and be cautious. Remember, something really great can come from remodeling.
Further complicating matters is the fact that while the emotional limbic system is highly aroused early in adolescence, the brain’s control center—specifically the prefrontal cortex—matures last. The prefrontal cortex directs executive functions; its roles include forethought and planning, judgment, decision-making, and self-regulation. Kind of reads like a laundry list of what teens struggle with, doesn’t it?
Consider for a moment: Do you imagine it might be difficult for teens to understand themselves if the emotional centers of their brains are active but their executive functioning is periodically offline (perhaps even off more than on)? Can this secure your compassion? We believe so.
Before reading this book, perhaps you caught glimpses of good judgment and wise decision-making in your teen. Maybe
you figured he or she would be able to do better by trying harder. Bottom line, it’s not that simple. Bridging the understanding gap will require more of you. There’s fantastic news, though: because of your adolescent’s neuroplasticity, all hope is not lost! The malleable adolescent brain can be shaped. Ready to find out how you can participate?
Psych 101
Here are some ways to help your adolescent through this period of radical remodeling.
Be “on-site.” The teenage years create fear and frustration in a lot of parents. It may feel simpler and safer to stay out of the way. Trouble is, you can have little—if any—influence from “off-site.” Too often, after having been disconnected for some time, parents launch in, demanding change. It’s easy to imagine how ineffective that can be. If you want to be part of shaping your teenager’s brain, you’ve got to be consistently and courageously present.
Be observant. A good subcontractor doesn’t march onto a construction site and start barking orders. He walks the grounds, noting what’s happened (or hasn’t happened) and comparing his observations to the blueprint. In a similar manner—as a subcontractor in God’s employ, helping shape your child’s future—you should be a careful observer. Pay attention to your teen’s words. Notice what makes her laugh, cry, or get angry. In short, be an observer of your teenager’s inner life. You can detect a great deal by being a patient, on-site observer.
Ask, listen, and respect (preferably in that order). Sometimes you simply won’t understand. You can also humbly ask for help. When you ask, listen carefully. Do everything you can to keep from inserting your ideas, opinions, or suggestions. Trust that there will be time for that later. If communication is going well, ask follow-up questions to draw out your teen’s thoughts and feelings. Finally, show respect for what your teen says by reiterating it, confirming you’ve heard and understand. Keep the conversation short and to the point; this is an especially effective communication tool with teens. Don’t make every conversation into a lecture. Frequent, shorter conversations make a bigger impact on teens.
Remember. This tip has two dynamics: One, remember what your teen tells you. Ask about it in a few days. Pray about it in the meantime, and let your teen know it’s on your mind with a simple statement like, “I’m praying for you.”
Two, cultivate perspective. Remember your own teen days. You probably felt confused or overly emotional at times. More likely than not, you made some foolish decisions. If you think you caused no problems as an adolescent, ask your parents. They’ll happily set you straight. Gaining perspective and remembering what your teen tells you shows great compassion; perspective also equips you to make good decisions.
Don’t minimize; empathize. If your daughter is crying in the bathroom because she’s got a big zit on her forehead, please rethink the dismissive, “Get over it; everyone gets zits” comments. Your son’s small stature, your daughter’s friendship drama, any number of other issues: they really matter to your adolescent. The best way to show that you understand is by responding with affirming statements like, “I can see why that would be hard for you,” “That must be frustrating,” or even something as simple as, “Hmmm.” The fastest way to perpetuate the understanding gap is to try to convince teenagers that feelings don’t matter, that they should get past something, or that you’ve got the perfect way to fix the situation. Keep in mind that because adolescents often don’t understand themselves, they can’t imagine anyone else can understand them. You best demonstrate understanding not by solving the problem but by showing empathy. Recalling times when you’ve felt deeply (e.g., afraid, angry, rejected) and empathizing with your child is an incredibly powerful way to connect, and doing so helps integrate the emotional and logical portions of your teenager’s brain.
Faith 101
Adolescence is a period of amazing neurological opportunity. And because God designed your teen with this remarkable neuroplasticity, the impact of the adolescent years on his or her spirit will be profound.
We appreciate how The Message renders Ephesians 5:16–17 and believe it speaks powerfully to parents of adolescents: “Watch your step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get. These are desperate times! Don’t live carelessly, unthinkingly. Make sure you understand what the Master wants.”
These years are incredibly important. The Bible urges us not to live carelessly, but this means more than simply “thinking before we act.” We must actively resist living with a survivalist mentality, just “getting by,” rushing from activity to activity without purpose or intentionality. During this remarkable window of opportunity in the teenage years, make the most of every chance you get.
J. B. Phillips translated Ephesians 5:16 as, “Make the best use of your time, despite all the difficulties of these days.” Undoubtedly, there will be tremendous difficulties in these days. Make the best use of your time.
Take a moment to consider what’s hindering you from making the most of the teen years. As one pastor puts it, “It’s a waste of time to think about strategies for parenting without first examining ourselves.”1
At the center of every struggle in life is misdirected worship. We all worship something, and though many of us claim that we worship God alone, we often spend our time and energy chasing other desires. Longings for control, comfort, respect, appreciation, and success can become idols that poison not only our parent-teen relationships but also our relationship with God.
If your son’s or daughter’s lack of appreciation and respect for “all you’ve done” becomes a point of bitterness in your heart, you may have some thinking, forgiving, and reprioritizing to do. Ironically, you won’t get respect or appreciation by making them the goal of your parenting; developing godly character is a higher aim, a God-focused (not parent-focused) one. Likewise, if you’re expecting your child’s behavior and accomplishments to make you feel successful, pressure and trouble are brewing. If you’re overly angry at your teen for impinging on the order and peace of your home, an idol of comfort may be at play. And if you’re not able to let go, trusting your teen to God, your idol of control will wound everyone, yourself included.
Now is the time to pay close attention to your own heart and mind. The closer you are to God during the years you’re parenting teenagers, the more the Holy Spirit can give you wisdom and insight, consolation and strength. You need those things, and you cannot manufacture them on your own.
The window of opportunity in your teen’s brain and spirit is also an invitation to you: be transformed by the renewing of your mind. As Romans 12:2 commands, “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think” (NLT). Don’t waste these days, even the difficult ones. You and your teen can become stronger because of them.
Try It Today
As our daughters became teenagers, we weren’t prepared to deal with our own conflicting emotions. We knew they’d have mood swings, but we didn’t know we’d face such a sense of loss. Watching our girls transform during their adolescent years was amazing, but we also missed the snuggly kids they were seemingly moments ago.
Author Dr. Michael Bradley urges parents to press into this sense of loss. Indeed, failing to do so can lead to anger and resentment (Who is this teenaged usurper of my “sweet girl” or my “little buddy”?). Letting your teen change allows parts of his or her personality that you loved in childhood to resurface over time, stronger and more mature, better equipped to flourish in the adult world.2
Communication experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish agree that grieving loss is an essential part of parenting adolescents. We encourage you to take some time within the next twenty-four hours to talk with a spouse or friend, journal, and/or pray about the following:
Loss of closeness. Actively let go of the “Who is this hostile person? Where’s the sweet kid who climbed up on my bed to talk every night?” type of thoughts.
Loss of “being needed.” It can hurt to hear, “You don’t have to do that anymore, Dad. I can handle it.”
Loss
of confidence. Asking, “Why did he do that? What is she becoming? Have I done something wrong?” or “Is there anything I can do?” will drag you under if you let it. You may feel like you don’t know what you’re doing. That’s okay! Grieve the loss of confidence and gear up for a learning curve. God promises that you’re not alone in this; he will strengthen you and help you; he will uphold you with his victorious right hand (see Isa. 41:10).
Loss of control. We especially want to keep our kids from harm. Recycling “What if,” “If only,” or “Why?” thoughts can be agonizing!
Loss of ease. The teenage years are anything but a “ho-hum” season of life. Grieving the loss of peace and ease actually helps you avoid fear, which tries to devour parents of teens.3
If you grieve these losses and equip yourself for the construction years, you’ll be better prepared. Remember to keep your hard hat handy!
2
Leave Me Alone
“My daughter getting pregnant . . .”
“My son getting addicted to drugs or alcohol . . .”
“My teen getting depressed or ensnared by pornography . . .”
“One of my children walking away from faith . . .”
Over and over again, parents of teens confess fears like these to us.
What we usually don’t hear is, “I’m afraid to let go of the control I once had over my child’s life,” yet this is a nearly universal—albeit often subconscious—parental concern. Despite daily evidence that we can’t control our kids, many of us cling to the illusion that we can protect them from doing something foolish, something hurtful, something that will seriously damage their future opportunities. Our efforts to control life, however, are nothing more than a misconceived chasing after the wind.
As parents, it’s difficult enough to let go of needing to be needed; it’s exponentially more challenging to recognize that your adolescent is daily making a transition toward independence and unique identity. Moms and dads must learn (because it’s not natural!) to step back and allow their teens to exercise self-regulation.
Your Teenager Is Not Crazy Page 2
