Desiring to display independence, teens may no longer wish to process everything with their parents. As we noted before, they sometimes lack the words to express their feelings. Have you ever noticed how many different things a teen describes as “boring” or “stupid”? It’s inconceivable! You may feel like The Princess Bride’s exasperated Inigo Montoya, who shakes his head and mutters, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
Remember too that teens often feel unsafe sharing embarrassing thoughts or problems, let alone mistakes, with parents who they believe won’t be able to handle it. How would you respond to a teen who confesses, “I cheated on a test today. I didn’t get caught, but I feel really bad about it”? A parent who can calmly say, “I’m glad you told me. That’s obviously made you sad, and it makes me sad too. How can I help you make this right?” will likely earn a teenager’s trust on a deep level. We appreciate Foster Cline and Jim Fay’s counsel in Parenting Teens with Love and Logic: “Remain available without prying. . . . The parental attitude must be, ‘Tell me your thoughts; I can handle them,’ regardless of what those thoughts may be.”6
It’s normal for your teenager to internalize more and verbalize less. It’s going to happen and is an important part of your adolescent’s development. Give grace to a teen who is trying to figure out what to share, when, and how. Your adolescent is on a steep communication learning curve.
To foster healthy communication with your adolescent, keep these things in mind:
Teens respond best to shorter, more frequent interactions. This is especially true if you need to talk with your adolescent about something important. Don’t think in terms of a “once and for all” approach to conversations about potential problems like substance use and sexual experimentation. The same goes for positive topics like faith, trust, and building healthy relationships.
Teenage brains learn by example. If you want your teen to develop healthy communication skills, model them. Speak with the vocabulary you want your adolescent to use. If you don’t want your teenager to gossip, you shouldn’t either. To equip adolescents for eventual success in adult life, model how to share thoughts respectfully and graciously. If you want your son or daughter to learn nondigital communication skills, don’t default to texting. And make sure that your teen sees you engage in and resolve conflict well (more on this in the next chapter).
Close your mouth and he may open his. Parents eager to communicate with their teens often pepper them with questions. Asking good questions can be a great way to open the lines of dialogue. That said, questions can also feel like hostile inquisition to a teenager whose desire for privacy and sense of self are developing. Instead of filling every space with words, try being quiet now and then. A silent car ride home from school may unnerve you, but it also may be just the ticket for getting your teen to start a conversation. This has been personally helpful for me (Jeramy), as I found myself asking our girls the same questions over and over again. I finally let there be silence in the car or at the table, and my daughters eventually started asking questions or sharing their thoughts without prompting. There’s no guarantee this will work with your adolescent, but it’s a technique well worth trying.
Listen more than you talk. This is closely related to the preceding tip. Deliberately deciding to listen, to stay focused on what your teen is saying without interjecting your own ideas and solutions, is powerful. Nod and express empathy with a “Hmm” or “Oh.” Taking what your teen says seriously will deepen your relationship. It also helps develop your adolescent’s capacity to think. Try to understand where your teen is coming from, even if his or her opinions differ from your own. Don’t automatically shut down a topic that interests your teen just because it doesn’t pique your curiosity. Instead of knee-jerk reacting or correcting, listen actively and ask questions that show interest and elicit understanding (e.g., “That must be hard. Can you tell me what that’s like for you?” or “That’s interesting. Tell me more.”). Try to see how a particular thought makes sense to your teen rather than simply evaluating if it’s rational.7 While this can be extremely difficult, it’s by no means impossible. As parents (with more developed frontal lobes), we can control our impulses to speak and exercise judgment as to when and how to respond.
Ask, “Would you like to hear what I think?” If the answer is “Yes” or “Okay,” be concise and consistent. If it’s “No,” back off for a while. When you do offer counsel, advise without demands or declarations. Obviously we’re not talking about avoiding intervention with regard to life-threatening issues; we simply mean that in everyday communication—say, when your teen wants to vent about problems with a teacher, a friend, or a sibling—you can choose to wait, listen, ask follow-up questions, and then extend the offer of help. Parents of teens often find that the less they give unsolicited counsel, the more their teen asks for advice. You have a better chance of making an impact if you begin by letting your adolescent know he or she has been heard.
Use “I,” not “you” statements. Teens are master defenders. If you come at them with a “You always this . . .” “You never that . . .” or “You’re so rude/foolish/wrong” list, most adolescents will reject your thoughts out of hand. Instead, tell your teen explicitly what you’re thinking or feeling, as well as what you plan to do. For example, “I am disappointed in your behavior. I’m going to my room to cool off. I’ll discuss this with you in an hour.” It doesn’t work to tell teens what they’re going to do: “You get in your room right now and think about what you’ve done to disrespect me. You won’t be going anywhere until you change your attitude.” Sorry if this comes as a surprise to you, but you can’t “make” your teen do, feel, or think anything. Using “I” statements and refraining from “you” statements places the ball squarely in your teen’s court. When parents continually tell teens what to do, they cannot learn how to tell themselves what to do.
If you need to talk about something serious, find an appropriate place and time. Context makes a huge difference in certain kinds of communication. Trying to hash out “Why?” and “What’s next?” at 12:15 a.m., after a third broken curfew infraction, probably isn’t a good idea. Neither is having a talk about sexual purity at Starbucks. Interrupting your adolescent in the middle of something to talk right here, right now won’t lead to the best communication. Exercise patience and set up a time to talk. This will have the added benefit of giving you a chance to think and pray beforehand. Try not to spring a heavy topic every time you and your teen are alone; he or she may not be eager to hang out with you in the future. Finally, don’t get into the bad habit of talking only when you’ve got a bone to pick. As Dr. Michael Bradley writes, “The very sound of your voice can then become a signal to your kid that another grilling is coming. It’s tough enough talking to a teen. You don’t need them hearing your first words as an air raid siren.”8
Subversively engage your teen. This is an especially important communication technique with teens who want to exert independence and autonomy with their choices. You can invite your teen to participate in providing the solution by doing one or more of the following: Give your adolescent a choice. Try a phrase such as, “Would you like to do X or Y?” or “Feel free to do X or Y, but Z is not an option.”
Give factual information about the problem and its impact on others. Try, “Your dishes in the sink make it difficult for me to get dinner ready” and wait for a response. If none is forthcoming, you can add, “What do you suggest should be done about that?”
Say it in as few words as possible. For example, point to laundry on the floor, say, “Laundry in here, please,” then point to where dirty clothes belong. Most teens will get the point. If you hear a cruel comment or a foul word come out of your teen’s mouth, responding with a short phrase (“Ugly words aren’t tolerated here”) can communicate more effectively than a long lecture.
Use writing and humor. Leave a little note for your teen or draw a funny picture indicating what you’d l
ike done. For example: “Dearest Peyton, I’m perishing in a sea of dirty clothes. You’re my one and only hope. Please help me before you come to the table for dinner.” Important note: never use demeaning or accusatory sarcasm. Teens will mirror the way you communicate with them. If you use biting humor or cutting remarks, don’t be surprised if your teen does so as well.
Employ the magic words. It’s distressing how few parents use please and thank you with their teens. If you need help, ask for it kindly and express gratitude.
Humbly ask for clarification. If you’re getting the silent treatment, don’t automatically assume your teen is being rebellious. Instead, tell him or her you don’t want to misread the situation and respectfully ask your adolescent to verbalize thoughts and feelings. This internal storm may have nothing to do with you! Asking for clarification engages your adolescent’s under-construction prefrontal cortex (to talk about it, they have to process what they’re feeling). This helps teens begin exercising self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Faith 101
Jesus spoke often and powerfully about the importance of choosing our words wisely. As parents, we should take his statement in Matthew 12:34, “Whatever is in your heart determines what you say” (NLT), very seriously and apply this truth in practical ways.
First, we need to recognize that how we communicate with our adolescent children reflects the state of our own hearts. If you are continually frustrated, angry, sarcastic, biting, or quick-tempered with your teen, it’s time for a heart checkup. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal ways in which your speech reflects your heart. Every single one of us can grow in the way we use words. No one has perfectly “tamed the tongue” (see James 3:2). It’s important to look at your own patterns of communication before honing in on your teen’s shortcomings (see Matt. 7:3–5).
Second, we must consciously and carefully evaluate how our teenagers’ words reveal the state of their spiritual health. This should lead not to condemnation or an exertion of power or control but rather to humble prayer, gentle rebuke, and the offer of continual help. Never forget our call as Christians: be slow to speak and quick to listen (see James 1:19). If you find yourself struggling to live out that verse, use the words of Psalm 141:3 as a prayer: “Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.”
Everyone experiences communication ups and downs during the adolescent years. Your teen may speak impulsive, illogical, and incendiary words, but take a deep breath; it’s essential to get beneath the surface and separate an emotional outburst from a core belief. Your teen will likely say things that drive you crazy; you’ll be tempted to disregard his or her thoughts and opinions. Resist this at all costs. Making fun of, dismissing, or failing to recognize your adolescent’s faltering attempts to engage in adult dialogue will shut down communication every time.
Remember, your teen’s brain is under construction; the neural centers for language are being remodeled. Understanding this can give you compassion and help you discern the best ways to confront and correct poor behavior.
Undoubtedly, this is challenging. Christian parents are never alone, however; the Holy Spirit continually guides, encourages, and convicts us. Pray, “God, what do you want me to say?” and then listen to his counsel and act accordingly. Better communication with your teen will follow!
Try It Today: Don’t Let the Door Close
If your teen reveals something to you, keep the conversation open by asking a few days later how things are going, expressing your concern, or reminding him or her that you’re praying.
Another great way to keep the door open is to ask your adolescent to teach you something or offer an opinion. This is a huge confidence booster to a young adult, who wants to assert independence and competence. Whether you ask for help with technology or for an opinion on what to do in a particular situation, inviting his or her participation in your life is a fantastic way to help your teen develop communication skills while powerfully demonstrating that you love, value, and respect him or her.
8
Why Are You Freaking Out?
“Oh no,” moaned our older daughter, Jocelyn. “Dad, I forgot my clarinet.”
Jasmine, our younger daughter, instantly exploded, “Are you kidding me? You always do this. Now we’re going to be late. I can’t believe this!”
Allow me to set the stage for you: We left for school early that Friday morning because Jasmine had a makeup flute lesson. It was T-minus fifteen minutes until that began, which meant we had just enough—and no more—time to make it. Add to the mix the fact that Jasmine emerged from the womb anxious about being on time, while Jocelyn takes, shall we say, a more laissez-faire approach to promptness. Now top things off with my condition. It had been one of “those” weeks at work—long days, lots of meetings, and some intense situations; since, as a pastor, I work weekends, Fridays are my day off. Let’s just say I wasn’t in the mood to referee their spite-fest.
“Don’t you even care?” Jasmine spat at her sister.
“No,” Jocelyn scoffed with a little laugh.
Nothing could have infuriated Jasmine more. I honestly thought she might revert to scratching her sister’s face. Instead, she loosed a tidal wave of semi-incomprehensible comments on her sister’s choices. Jocelyn turned stone cold. Their emotion—uniquely manifested, but equally intense—far outstripped the relatively minor problem we faced. To me, it was completely ludicrous.
I’m sorry to say that instead of leading my girls out of their conflict that morning, I jumped right into it. I was fed up, and I allowed their fight to trigger an emotional grenade in me.
As a dad, when you start with, “Your behavior disgusts me,” it all kind of goes downhill from there. I gave full vent to my emotions, and in the moment I felt entirely justified in doing so. In order to get my point across, I laced my words with force; even if I didn’t yell, my disdain came across.
I expected that they would apologize, but (inconceivably!) they just sat there. My anger escalated, and so did theirs. When we finally got to school, the car was thick with unresolved tension.
That morning, I chose to act with emotional intensity rather than emotional intelligence. I don’t want to do that, and I don’t think you do either. The conflict my girls and I faced that morning was minor as far as parent-teenager fights go, but I hope that in being vulnerable and sharing my reaction to this “daily grind” example, I can encourage you that we’re in this together. What I’ve since learned about my teenagers in researching for this book has equipped me to better address the inevitable battles that arise while living with teens. I want to share that with you, knowing God can use it to help us both.
Bio 101
An incredibly complex collection of brain structures nestled deep in the center of the brain, the limbic system plays a role in regulating many functions, including basic human rhythms (appetite, sleep, mood, libido) as well as memory, motivation, and emotion. Yeah, it’s pretty significant. Some experts refer to the limbic system as the “emotional brain” or the source of emotional life.
Roughly coinciding with puberty, the limbic system becomes more readily aroused, which helps explain why most teenagers experience and express higher highs and lower lows than they have before. Because their limbic systems undergo the emotional equivalent of a race car starting its engine, teenagers often gravitate to emotionally intense experiences, including conflict. Because the limbic system also factors significantly in the development of the social brain, heightened limbic system arousal contributes to a teenager’s greater sensitivity to relationships.
Development in your teenager’s limbic system is an essential component in his or her maturation toward adulthood. The amazing design of the limbic system allows the brain to respond to the environment with emotion that compels action. It really takes work on parents’ part, however, to understand that the emotions adolescents express and experience are undergoing wide-scale remodeling. Your teenager’s ability to handle anger and fear, as well as jo
y, surprise, and pretty much every other feeling, is under construction. Show grace to your emotional teen.
Like all neural systems, the limbic system works in concert with the entire brain to perform its functions. Indeed, the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex (the brain’s CEO) constantly communicate; the prefrontal cortex evaluates emotional input and helps regulate associated impulses and the decisions necessary to act. Since we know that the prefrontal cortex develops slowly over the course of adolescence, we should expect that emotional intensity will often outstrip our adolescent’s ability to process and control it.
This does not mean that we excuse poor behavior; on the contrary, we should be students of our adolescents’ hearts, evaluating how they deal with emotions and graciously helping them make changes. This requires remarkable discernment. As we better understand what our teens are facing on a neurological level, we can show compassion while helping to shape our teenager’s heart. We can help our teens learn emotional restraint by keeping our own cool through engaging our adult prefrontal cortex while theirs is under construction.
As an adult, you have a greater capacity to regulate the sometimes-unreasonable emotional responses you may feel. “Teenagers,” writes Dr. Jesse Payne, “do not have a developed prefrontal cortex to supervise the onslaught of emotions and drama. . . . When they feel strongly about something, they will often make a decision based on their emotions rather than logic.”1 You can exercise control over your own emotions (unlike me in the story that opened this chapter) as well as graciously pointing out what appropriate emotional responses to situations might be. In other words, I could have helped my adolescent daughters by gently and firmly helping them see that neither cold disdain nor explosive anger is a healthy reaction to conflict.
Your Teenager Is Not Crazy Page 8
