Your Teenager Is Not Crazy

by Jerusha Clark

  Encourage life beyond “likes.” Online networking captivates teenagers, whose social brains teem with growth and change. Sadly, many teens judge their social standing based on how many “likes” their status update, post, or picture collects. If no one comments, teens may feel that no one cares or that what they said was stupid, useless, and so on. It’s incredibly dangerous for adolescents to accept this notion as truth. Many adults struggle with this as well. Consistently affirm that your teen’s value does not rest on whether people click a digital link to “like” (or “unlike”) something or someone. Be honest with your teen if you’ve ever felt this way. Sharing your own thoughts and feelings about digital communication normalizes your teens’ experience and helps them to develop life beyond “likes.”

  Promote face-to-face friend time. If digital means are your teenager’s primary mode of communication, he or she is neglecting a huge amount of essential brain real estate, namely the development of social skills like interpreting and using facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures, friendly touch, timing, and emotion in communication. A good rule of thumb to use with your teens is “People before devices.”3 Consider letting teens know in advance that you expect them to set aside the phone when someone comes over. Texting, posting, and so on can wait while attention is given to the living person in front of them. This may be difficult for your teen at first, but if you establish it beforehand and stick with your convictions, it will become the norm.

  Don’t make value judgments. Teenagers often say that parents who reject their friends reject them too. While those of us with adult brains know this isn’t always true, it feels very true to adolescents. You don’t know your son’s or daughter’s friends well enough to say whether they are “good” or “bad” kids (these are never helpful categories anyway), so you sound ignorant and judgmental when you criticize people in these ways. If you feel the need to express concern about a friend, make it about specific behavior and ask your son or daughter to think about those particular circumstances. For instance, instead of saying, “Julia’s a gossip and I don’t want you around her,” it’s far better to say, “I’m concerned about having Julia over again, because last time she was here I heard the two of you gossiping a lot. What do you think?” Rather than lashing out at “those idiots who drink,” you can choose a comment like, “I hope your friend __________ isn’t drinking any more. I hate to think of someone with his whole life ahead of him making the same mistake again.” Mr. Greenfield, the father from our opening story, used the term “those kids” as a pejorative to identify other teens whom he believed dragged his son down. This attitude and language alienates teens and limits your ability to influence. Your adolescent’s developing brain can start making connections between examples and general trends. Nudge them gently and graciously in this direction, avoiding harsh words or accusations.

  Limit unsupervised group time. Just because it’s natural to push away from parents and want to spend more time with friends does not mean that parents should leave teenagers alone for long periods of time. Remember, teens benefit from having “surrogate prefrontal cortexes” around, adults who—with adult brains—can help prevent foolish decisions from being made. Think of your presence (even in the other room) like a leaven that keeps the adolescent “dough” from rising too much, too fast. Supervision doesn’t mean that you need to be with your teen every moment. You can monitor younger adolescents by, for instance, being at the mall while your daughter shops with friends (even if you’re not in the same store) or driving teens and their friends to a sporting event or movie and sitting in another section. For older adolescents, you can extend the amount of solo time according to the degree of responsibility your teen shows. Even really “good kids” can make bad choices when a group of under-construction brains decide to do something foolish. Supervision won’t prevent this every time, but it can stop a lot of runaway adolescent brains.

  Check the clock. When considering parental supervision, don’t limit your investment to weekends. Numerous studies have demonstrated that adolescent experimentation with sex, alcohol, drugs, and criminal activity usually begins between the hours of 3:00 and 5:00 p.m. on weekdays.4 In other words, the way your teen spends time after school is incredibly important. Sports, lessons, a job, or other after-school activities can help mitigate the potential dangers of this time frame. If your teen must be alone after school because of family work schedules, consider asking a trusted neighbor or friend to check on your teen at a random time. Not knowing when a friend of Mom or Dad may drop by provides some accountability.

  Address your teen’s hurts. Few adolescents escape the teenage years without experiencing painful rejection. At any age, being rejected wounds our hearts and minds. Scientists have also discovered that the brain mediates social rejection in the same manner as physical pain. In fact, you can actually treat the symptoms of heartache with acetaminophen (the active ingredient in Tylenol)! When your teen is rejected, his or her brain feels the impact like a bodily injury. Don’t dismiss the stress of teenage relationships. You don’t have to understand things perfectly to show empathy. Even a simple, “I’m so sorry that you’re hurting” can make your teen feel supported and consoled.

  Faith 101

  At this point in the chapter, you may be wondering why we haven’t addressed peer pressure. Well, now is the time.

  Parents almost universally express anxiety about peer pressure. Like Mr. and Mrs. Greenfield, many parents assume that peer pressure can “make” a good kid do terrible things. Some moms and dads distrust peer relationships altogether, afraid that the “wrong” influence is too great a potential danger.

  The apostle Paul addresses peer pressure in his letters to the ancient church at Corinth. In 1 Corinthians 15:33, Paul quotes the Greek poet Menander, who asserted, “Bad company corrupts good character.” Paul used this phrase to express the danger of developing friendships with those who live without eternity in mind.

  The amount of time teens spend with people whose lives revolve around the material world (money, success, even academics or sports) will impact them. Your adolescent’s friendships matter. Remember, the neural pathways used most often become the strongest. The more your teen exercises the brain pathways for faith and truth, the stronger they will become. If you want your teenager to develop friendships that “spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb. 10:24), your teen needs to be in close proximity with adolescents who believe the truth and live it out.

  Before you start devising strategies to rid your teen’s life of “bad company,” however, remember that God also calls us to be salt and light in a dark and decaying world, holding firmly to truth and shining brightly in the lives of those who don’t yet know Christ (see Matt. 5:13–16; Phil. 2:15–16). You cannot abdicate this responsibility and try to manipulate circumstances so that your teenager will only ever be around other Christians. Not only will your adolescent never learn how to share the good news of Jesus, he or she will also fail to develop the conviction necessary to resist temptation in the adult world.

  How do parents approach the difficult balancing act of allowing teenagers to be Christ’s light and encouraging them to stay away from bad company? Applying the principles in the Psych 101 section can certainly help. Another important thing—and truly this is the most important of all—that parents can do is help teenagers acknowledge that what’s inside them is always a bigger problem than what’s outside them.

  The trouble with the way peer pressure is perceived by parents and portrayed in the media is that it does not tell the truth about the human heart. People don’t suddenly make foolish decisions because someone “dared” them or “pressured” them. People—adults and teens alike—make poor choices because they value something more than godliness and goodness. Peer influence simply reveals what’s already misaligned in the heart.

  Teenagers don’t take a drink “because of peer pressure” as much as they determine acceptance and approval are more important in that m
oment than godliness and obedience. Teens don’t bully a weaker or less attractive kid because “all their friends were doing it” as much as they decide that the feeling of superiority, pride, and power over someone else is better than the feeling that comes from doing right.

  Your teen’s heart is at the very center of every peer interaction, and what’s in your teenager’s heart determines whether he or she will live with conviction or cowardice. If you only address peer pressure as an “outside force,” you’re missing the mark. Peer pressure is best tackled by waging the real war: the war for goodness and truth fought on the turf of your teenager’s soul.

  Adolescents behave based on what is in their hearts, not simply what’s happening around them, so have heart-based conversations. Verbally affirm that you believe teens can make good choices and stick with convictions no matter what kind of pressure they face. This gives teens confidence. Remind them that you are on their team and they can talk with you when they’re having problems. As teens begin to recognize the way being with friends can bring out either the best or worst in them, they become better able to make wise decisions, even when pressure comes. Help your teen fight the real battle, not against “peer pressure” but against the crookedness of heart upon which peer influence feeds.

  Try It Today: Love Your Teen’s Friends

  In his excellent book Have a New Teenager by Friday, Dr. Kevin Leman describes his home as “a place where anybody can come and get some love, attention, and a listening ear.”5 Would your teen identify your home in this way? Do your own kids like to be at home? Do other kids feel welcome and affirmed when they come over? Do you care about the other teenagers with whom your teen spends time? We cannot simply be concerned about our own teenagers. We must also cultivate Christ’s love for their friends.

  Make a list of your teen’s closest friends. Ask God to give you love for each one. Pray for every friend your teenager invites over or spends time with. In time, you’ll notice your love for them and their comfort around you increasing. Start today!

  12

  It’s Not Like We’re Getting Married

  Over the course of my adolescent years, nothing perplexed me (Jerusha) or my parents more than dating. Guy-girl interactions had changed radically in the twenty-some years since my parents dated, and trying to figure things out as I muddled along was far from an effective strategy.

  During my junior high days, if you liked a boy and he liked you back, you “went around.” Technically, you went nowhere; that was just the nomenclature. By eighth grade, I had “gone around” with two guys, one of whom nearly had a panic attack at my thirteenth birthday party when he couldn’t find a plug for the blow-dryer he brought to style his hair after swimming. True story.

  I never thought of the relationships I had in junior high as “dating.” They were mostly conducted on the phone in agonizingly stilted conversations and at school lunches, where I did my best to avoid revealing that I had absolutely no idea how to relate to a boy. Things didn’t get any less confusing in high school.

  After graduating from college, I read a ton of books on relationships and grieved the mistakes I’d made. I wanted to do things right and decided not to date for six months. Two weeks before my “relationship fast” was scheduled to end, Jeramy asked me out. I told him we’d have to wait two weeks; I’m so glad he stuck around! Our dating relationship was healthy, fun, and—since both of us were committed to our faith—it was also God-honoring.

  That’s certainly not the norm today. The modern relationship scene is dismal. For many, dating has become synonymous with a hook up and break up mentality. The concept of courtship attracted some Christians who wanted to avoid heartbreak and “guarantee” healthy marriage, but significant problems arose with both of these approaches.

  As frightening as guy-girl relationships can be for teens and their parents, we have to wade into the complexity. In order to have healthy relationships later in life, our adolescent children need to learn to interact with the opposite sex. You and your family will need to settle on the details of an approach (we don’t advocate one way but rather the application of sound, biblical principles), but this chapter will equip you to help your teenager to choose wisely, respect others, and learn how to relate to the other half of the world.

  Bio 101

  Do you remember when getting cooties didn’t scare you anymore, and in fact, the idea kind of intrigued you? Most likely that occurred during your adolescence, and it wasn’t the result of a conscious choice but rather of subtle changes over time.

  Our bodies and brains have been wired for attraction, and when chemical signals that stimulate this begin to course through our bodies, we feel pulled toward people we may have previously avoided at all costs. This happens naturally in adolescence, when increasing levels of hormones spark sexual development and a desire for bonding. Neurochemicals in the developing “social brain,” which we previously observed propel teenagers to move away from family and into the world of peer relationships, also contribute to a growing desire to know and interact with the opposite sex.

  These drives are natural, by design, and healthy. Challenges surface as teens attempt to integrate biological impulses with under-construction relationship skills. A less-than-fully-connected prefrontal cortex leaves a teenager’s decision-making, planning, and good judgment regarding relationships lacking. Parents can and should coach their adolescents in building healthy relationships, even if what we’d rather do is lock our children away, ostensibly to prevent them from doing something foolish.

  If your goal is simply to keep your adolescent from making relationship mistakes, you’re setting your sights too low. Of course we don’t want our teenagers to get hurt or to hurt others. Still, clamping down and trying to control our teens’ responses to the opposite sex isn’t the answer. Keep in mind that regardless of your personal stance on dating, you won’t be able to prevent your teenager’s neurochemicals from doing what they are designed to do: move your teen toward adulthood. Instead, you can help your teen learn to navigate these changes wisely.

  When humans—including adolescents—think about romance or experience it with another person or vicariously through watching or reading about relationships, the brain releases phenylethylamine (PEA for short), a neuromodulator that shares stimulant and psychoactive effects with its chemical cousins, amphetamines. As with other amphetamines, surging PEA gives people a “kick,” a great—though not lasting—sense of well-being.

  Large quantities of PEA amplify physical and emotional energy and cause the brain to release dopamine. PEA flows through our bodies with romantic thoughts or experiences and can make us “unrealistically optimistic” about relationships, according to Drs. Beverly and Thomas Alan Rodgers.1 This “high” can occur whether or not we’re in a relationship with the object of interest.

  Apply these facts to the lives of teenagers: regardless of whether they’re allowed to date or ever do so, adolescents will experience significant chemical changes, kindling the fire of romantic interest. This means that no parent—even those who forbid dating—gets off the hook; we all have a responsibility to teach our teenagers how to navigate romantic feelings and relationships well. Simply telling your teen he or she can’t date until a certain age isn’t enough, nor is having a “once and for all” talk about the subject. Instead, knowing that what’s going on in your teen’s brain is complex, completely new to younger adolescents, and every bit as perplexing to older ones should secure your compassionate parental help.

  Psych 101

  As has become our custom in this book, we want to start by encouraging you to evaluate your own approach to relationships. What you believe about romance, love, and marriage impacts your teen far more than you may like to believe. Adolescents listen intently to how parents speak about these issues (even if they pretend they couldn’t care less). Moreover, your teen observes how you live, the kind of movies and TV shows you watch, and the magazines and books you read. Each influences your teen’s
perception of opposite-sex relationships. If what you say you believe is inconsistent with the way you live, your teen—hypersensitive to hypocrisy—will spot it. Because of this:

  Point out cultural messages. Remember, shorter and more frequent conversations are effective with teens. Make a comment here or a statement there about how dating, relationships, romance, and marriage are portrayed in the media. You don’t have to turn your teen into a relationships expert in one talk; you can’t do that anyhow! Just keep the conversation going. Almost every movie—even “innocent” animated ones—includes messages about romance. Teach your teenager to recognize cultural ideals and determine whether they’re consistent with a biblical worldview. If they’re not, help your adolescent see how and why.

  Don’t follow your heart, and teach your teen not to follow his or hers. One of the most destructive messages of our day can be found in virtually every medium: print, screen, and music. Adults know that following your feelings can lead you astray, but the idea that your heart always tells you the truth and will guide you to what’s best and right for you is so pervasive that even the smallest of media consumers—toddlers—can parrot “follow your heart” stories and songs. If you’ve never noticed this theme or have never brought it up with your teen, it’s not too late. The world will provide you with plenty of opportunities to point this out! Watch a movie together and you’ll have fodder for at least one conversation.

  Ask and listen. Regardless of his or her age, your teen already has some opinions about dating, romance, and relationships in general. Most of us assume we know what adolescents think without ever actually discussing it with them. Why not ask for your son’s or daughter’s opinion on dating? You may be surprised by some of his or her thoughts. If you choose to have this conversation, note that this is not the time to convince him or her of your superior wisdom. This is strictly an exploratory, fact-finding mission, so listen attentively. Ask follow-up questions as long as your teen remains open. Since you don’t have an agenda in this other than to listen and learn what’s in your teen’s heart, if he or she shuts things down, that’s okay. Anything you have heard and learned can inform your approach for future conversations, as well as your prayers.