by Nhys Glover
One last groan and soft cry against my shoulder and Zem collapsed on top of me. If someone had called fire in that moment I wouldn’t have been able to run. I would have lain like that and let the flames engulf me. I had never felt so boneless and wrung out, so blissfully mangled in my life.
So this was what it was all about. No wonder people’s minds were so often occupied with thoughts of sex all the time. It was... better than I could ever have expected. For the first time I could understand how Airsha could choose to have four men in her bed. If this was what it was like with one... Gods, I’d been missing out on so much.
Zem shifted off me and lay on his back, one arm over his eyes, still panting a little.
“You all right?” I asked, finding it difficult to make my mouth work. It took conscious effort to speak, how weird was that?
“Am I all right? That’s what I should be asking you.”
“But I’m doing the asking, so you need to answer. Did I do it right? I know it was my first–”
Zem growled. He literally growled like a feral beastling at me. “Do it right? I’m still trying to get my brain back after it exploded, and you’re asking me if you did it right? Flea, you are like no other girl I’ve ever known. Gods!”
I wasn’t sure if he was angry or... what? Exasperated?
Some of my euphoria ebbed. I edged away from him a little, feeling tears pricking my eyes. Shouldn’t he be happy with me? I wasn’t so bad, was I? He seemed to like it. His release seemed... pleasurable.
Zem groaned again and brought his head to my shoulder. His nose nuzzled at my neck and his breath sent goose flesh skittering across my still-damp skin. Arousal hummed through me yet again.
“Sweet one, I’m more than all right. I just needed a moment. Something that profound... it needed a moment to come back from.”
I relaxed a little. All right then. I could live with that. His brain had exploded, and he needed to recover from that for a few moments. I understood that. Profound? I wasn’t even sure what that truly meant. I’d never encountered anything profound before, though I knew the meaning of the word.
“And you? I didn’t push you too far, too fast?”
I shook my head, trying to make sense of the chaos of thoughts and feelings in his mind. I couldn’t. They were just a jumble.
“At least you know you can come now,” he offered hopefully.
I nodded again, feeling the most absurd need to cry right then. What was that about? I’d just broken through suns of fear-based blocks and, instead of being happy, I felt so incredibly sad. I grieved for that little girl I’d been back then. I grieved that she had experienced something so terrible, which should have been like this... so beautiful. It hurt, just remembering that girl. How afraid she’d been. How alone. Defenceless. Helpless... Gods, how could I have been that girl?
Zem kissed my neck tenderly. “I’m sorry.”
I sobbed then—loud, harsh sobs that wracked my whole body.
And Zem drew me into his arms and held me while I cried and cried and cried.
“I’m sorry if that was so bad for you. It doesn’t have to happen again. The Goddess can find others to do Her bidding.” Zem whispered into my hair when I’d finished soaking his bare chest with my tears.
Getting out of my own self-indulgent head, I read Zem for the first time. Of course he saw my tears as being the result of what we’d shared together. And they were, in a way. But not really. I had to stop the compulsive and abusive diatribe going on in his head. If he kept at it he’d undo all the suns of healing he’d done.
Zem had taken a long time to get over what he saw as his responsibility for his family’s death. He should have been able to save them. Of course, he hadn’t been able to, because he was only a child, and he was up against a large party of Clifflings. That he’d fought any of them was amazing. And it was the reason he’d been allowed to live. Clifflings respected courage.
In a quiet moment beside the fire at the second Airling Training Centre, Rama had shared his Cliffling story with me. We were the only ones there, except for little Ramin who was curled up on his lap asleep. I can’t remember where everyone else was, or why we were the only ones left beside that fire. But he’d started talking, and I hadn’t been able to do anything but listen.
“The Clifflings are the dregs of every kinglund,” he started, musingly, the fire highlighting the terrible scars on his once-handsome face.
“Those who are rejected by their own, usually for crimes like violence or thievery, end up there. And only the strongest and fittest survive life among them.”
He glanced my way as if to check to see if I was listening. I nodded wordlessly.
“When I came off my airling on a scouting mission, I was able to scramble to my feet and run. And I led them a merry old chase for a while. Long enough for Jaron to get away, at least. When they caught me I fought them. I’ve always had a lot of rage in me, and I used all of it to fuel my attempts to escape. But there were just too many of them.
“But I won their respect, and they invited me to join them. I spat in their faces. That both angered and amazed them. They imprisoned me and began their torture. I think it started as a means of gathering information about the Godling, but it ended up being a test of my courage and ability to withstand pain.”
He gave a humourless little laugh then, as he stared into the fire, seeing that time in his mind’s eye. I could see it too, because for once he didn’t have his shields up against me. I wished he had. Gods, the agony of it. The endlessness of it. The hopelessness. Because he’d never believed he’d be rescued. All he could look forward to was death. But it didn’t seem like the Clifflings were willing to give him even that. And it went on and on. The only thing that kept him going was pure, unadulterated rage and stubbornness. Those bastards were not going to win the battle!
“It would have ended fast enough, if I’d been willing to give in. But I’d become entertainment for them. They’d take me out into the middle of the village when it was time for the torture and turn me into their show. More and more of the tribe came out to watch the fun each day. Every one of them was hoping to be there when I finally broke. And they were disappointed and yet happy when I didn’t. Because it meant they could come back the next day for more entertainment. They gave me a name. I heard it whispered by those who gawked. They called me the Cawl. Do you know what a cawl is, Flea?”
I shook my head, my mouth so dry by then I couldn’t have spoken if I’d wanted to. And I didn’t want to. All I wanted was for him to stop talking and to let me escape to my bed. I knew he didn’t know what he was doing to me. Had likely forgotten that I could read his thoughts and feelings. He may not have even realised he’d dropped his shields. They were habitually in place around me by then. Reading him was an invasion, as far as he was concerned. And he’d had too much of that in his life.
“A cawl is a fierce predatory featherling that has its home in those remote and desolate mountains. When they were caught, as the Clifflings were fond of doing for sport, they’d fight until their last breath. Those cawls were the entertainment before I came along.”
He went to say something more about that torture, but stopped himself. But I saw it anyway. It was the day they cut off his ball. They’d threatened to take both, and the agony had been such that he thought they had. Later, he’d found out the chieftain had eaten it to infuse himself with the courage of the human Cawl, the way they ate the featherlings when they eventually died.
I must have grimaced then, because the look of horror on his face when he realised his shields were down was even worse than what I’d seen in his head. His barriers came up fast and he looked away in shame.
“You shouldn’t have seen that,” he muttered, stroking the babe in his lap to calm himself.
“I... I’m sorry they did that to you. But I’m not sorry you survived it,” I said with what was left of my voice.
It was the closest I’d ever come to admitting I’d developed a fondness for t
he gruff and surly Airlud. For a long time he’d been the only brother I hated. But after he slit Airshin’s throat for Airsha and me, I’d started to care for him. And I knew I’d become part of his pod, which meant he’d give his life for me if need be.
I shook myself out of those morbid thoughts and focused on Zem again. “That wasn’t why I was crying. What we did... It was beautiful. Not just because of the pleasure, but because of the... the connection. I felt as if... as if...” I couldn’t find words for a few moments, and Zem just lay silently at my side waiting for me to go on. So I did.
“... I wasn’t alone. That’s the only way I can describe it. I’ve always been alone, even when there were people I loved around me. Even when you and me were together having fun with the airlings. But for a while there I wasn’t. And it was beautiful. And I started feeling sad because I thought it wasn’t the same for you, but then it became... about the child I was back then with Airshin. I was crying for her. Not for me. Because I’m not her anymore. I realised that tonight. Bit by bit, I’ve left her behind. What we did just severed the final thread to her. And I’m so terribly sad for what she had to live through that day and the next few suns after, when she hid from the world alone. But she isn’t me anymore. Because of you.”
Zem kissed my cheek, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “That was what was exploding my head. That connection. I’ve always felt it between us, right from the first day I met you. But it was nothing like what happened here. It scared the shite out of me.”
Zem rarely swore so I laughed at him. It felt good to laugh after all those tears. “Me too. Do you think it’ll be that scary next time?”
“Will there be a next time?” Zem’s brown eyes were filled with amusement, though I heard the uncertainty in his mind.
He couldn’t quite believe what I’d told him. Couldn’t quite believe I’d called what we’d shared beautiful. It was far more than he’d expected. All those painstaking lessons he’d learned from other women had been worth it. All those times when a girl would have just as happily been ridden and have that be the end of it. Some of them had thought him weird for pressing them about what they enjoyed. Men didn’t usually ask them that. But he’d coaxed it out of most of them, and then practised what they’d told him, watching and analysing every reaction, wondering all the while whether this would be something I would like.
My mouth must have fallen open because Zem chuckled and pushed it closed. “Aye, that was what I was doing with all those girls.”
“Did they teach you about that nuzzling thing. I really liked the way you stroked me with your nose and cheek.”
He laughed. “Nope, that was Storm. I love it when she rubs against me, and when I do the same to her. I thought it might be the same with you. And it was. For me.”
“So even your airling was teaching you how to seduce me, huh? I think I’m a bit jealous,” I joked.
He kissed me then, all humour forgotten. And once again we found our connection and the world faded away.
Chapter Six
I was so tired by the time we staggered back to the clerics that it amazed me I could still put one foot in front of another. But though Zem had tried to talk me into napping a little before we went back, I knew a nap would end up being turns—and Landor didn’t have that time to waste. He might not die in the next few turns, but the torture of being in that dark room with his dead mistress, thinking he’d be left there to rot... No, I couldn’t do that to him, even for a few precious turns of much needed sleep. I couldn’t let him feel like Rama had felt when he’d thought no one would come for him.
The cleric was waiting for us as soon as we pushed our way through the huge double doors to the library. His big smile told us what we needed to know. He’d found Landor!
“It took us some time, as you can imagine. But we found your albino.”
“Albino?” I asked in confusion. “His name is Landor, not Albino.”
The cleric chuckled at my ignorance. Damn, why hadn’t I read his mind more carefully before I opened my mouth? But he hadn’t been thinking of the definition of the word, just that he’d found him. It seemed a natural enough error. Not something to be laughed at.
“Oh, you’re using the word to describe his whiteness,” I said quickly, picking up his meaning before he could correct me. The look of surprise was satisfaction enough.
“Yes, yes. That is the word we use for that condition. Albinism. Few people know of the condition, no less the word for it. You surprise me, young lady.”
I didn’t like conning people anymore. I’d done enough of that in the suns with Mam and after. So I confessed grudgingly, and basked in the glow of Zem’s approval.
“I read the meaning from your mind. That’s my magic.”
The old man’s eyelids fluttered a little at the news but made no further comment on the matter.
“Albinism is rare, although partial albinism is not so rare. An albino’s skin burns, their eyes are pink, and they have white hair and skin. Only one babe was born with that condition in the period you asked for. A boy born to a noble family in Eastsealund. Or what was Eastsealund back then. Now Eastairshan, of course. The family’s name was Geal. The father was a magical son whose element was earth. His gift is not listed here. The mother was the daughter of a magical son, so there was always going to be a good chance any offspring of theirs would have magic. The priests had the coupling highlighted and under close scrutiny.
“The couple had three more childlings, none of whom showed any magical ability. Though the youngest has yet to reach her first blood, so there is time for her.”
“What happened to the babe?” I interrupted impatiently.
“The records say he survived delivery and was removed for termination. Not by the priests, it seemed. It would have stated he had been terminated, had that been the case. They would normally be the ones to do it, so I am not sure why they weren’t given the childling.”
“So it doesn’t say who removed him?” I pressed, my impatience growing. Yet I had more information than I’d had moments ago. I was just being greedy.
“No. He was born just after the summer solstice twenty-five suns ago.”
“Thank you, Learned One. We are in your debt,” Zem said as he dropped a formal bow.
“My brothers and I will begin searching the shelves for anything on The Jayger. You will need all the information you can collect if you are to defeat him.”
Zem nodded his thanks and I grudgingly did the same, though my mind was already in Eastairshan. Thank the Goddess we had our airlings. It meant we could be there shortly after midday if we left at dawn. Which wasn’t long away now.
“We’ll need to leave a message for Airsha telling her where we have gone and why. She can then explain to the Chancellor why we have not stayed for the muster of mages. She might also be able to keep her eyes open for the other two of our five,” Zem said as we hurried out of the old temple.
I had to agree, of course. We were not at liberty to take off on a whim. So I waited impatiently while he penned a message and left it with the guard on the gate. But when he stopped in at a bakery just opening its doors, I huffed at him in exasperation.
He wouldn’t be dissuaded. “We’re running on no sleep already, we are not going to further reduce our energy by having no food in our bellies. And we can eat as we walk.”
So in a few moments we were on our way again, several still-warm honey pastries in our hands. I grudgingly acknowledged Zem’s wisdom. He took it as his due.
If I’d thought things would change between Zem and me after we made love, I’d have been wrong. We seemed to slip back into our natural relationship as if it was just another day. The only acknowledgement of what had happened between us was the occasional look of wonder Zem shot my way. The same sense of wonder I felt. It was as if it had all been just a lovely dream, now that it was over, and we’d woken up to get back to our daily lives.
But it wasn’t a dream. He reminded me of that just before
we mounted up. Before I realised what he was about, Zem gathered me in his arms and kissed me, deep and thoroughly. I found I didn’t mind the invasion of his tongue. There was no feeling of suffocation anymore. Just pleasure. The kind of pleasure that had my toes curling in my sandals. Huh, I’d always thought that was just a saying. But, really, they did curl.
When he put me away from him, a broad grin on his almost handsome face, I slapped at his shoulder, grinning myself.
“Not very professional of you, trooper,” I admonished playfully.
“Nope. But enjoyable. Let’s get going.”
And, without a word more, he strode over to where Storm sat awaiting him and threw himself up onto her back, his sword clattering in its sheath at his shoulder. With a little more grace, I mounted Spot and settled just behind the double horns that formed part of the shoulder-blades of the huge flying beastlings. I’d already greeted him by rubbing against his furry neck, but I added a brief stroke to his leathery wing to thank him for coming to us so quickly. It was almost as if they’d been expecting us, even though the first golden rays of sunlight had barely flooded the horizon when we arrived at the paddock.
The next turns of the sandglass were spent in torturous pleasure. Flying was my favourite thing—all right, my second favourite thing now—and watching the sun come up as we traversed the pink-tinged skies was my favourite moment in any day. But today I couldn’t wait for the time to pass. The sun seemed to take forever to slip like bubbling, melted glass over the horizon, and even longer to dawdle its way up until it was overhead.
Yet the sun hadn’t reached its zenith when we started our descent, which meant we’d made good time. My legs nearly gave way under me as I dismounted, and I realised it was because of the muscles I’d used quite intensely the night before.
