by Nhys Glover
But I knew I couldn’t go to the special ball in our honour in boy’s clothes. It had been barely acceptable to turn up at the Governance Hall dressed in them. Still...
It had taken Zem less time to dress, and he’d hurried out to have a private word with the Airluds. So when I lowered the deep green light-as-air silk froth over my body I was alone except for the serving girl who had arrived to dress my hair.
We fought for a while, that girl and I. Why could I not just knot up my hair as usual, or let it hang lose? No one cared. I certainly didn’t. But I was quickly beaten down with the dreaded words that Airsha insisted I be tortured too. If she was having to have her hair done, then so was I. Knowing how much she hated dressing up like a girl, I had to give in. She was right, of course. Once was nothing compared to the amount of time the Chosen One had to primp and look good for her people.
When I entered the main living area of the apartment I saw the rest of our group was waiting there for me. Airsha and her husbands looked regal and stunning. Her mother and her husband Beyen, who was pulling absently at the tall collar of his silk tunic, looked equally as impressive. Zem I’d already seen in his tan coloured tunic that brought out the brown in his eyes and hair.
It was Landor that had my eyes opening wider in awe. He didn’t look quite real. Someone had found him a tunic and breeches of the palest blue, and his shining white hair flowed long and loose around his perfectly sculpted face. He looked like a marble statue come to life and bathed in moonlight.
I was so taken up with staring at Landor that I didn’t realise the reaction I was gaining from my audience.
“Gods, she really is a girl!” Rama said with gruff rancour. But I could see the twinkle in his eye.
‘You’re beautiful, little sister,’ Calun said in my mind, a broad grin on his handsome face. He wore a similar colour to me, bringing out the forest green of his eyes and the auburn tint of his hair. Did this gown do the same for me? Was that why Zem and Landor were looking at me in stunned silence? I hadn’t considered what they’d think.
“She won the argument then. I like that half up and half down concoction Masi came up with for you. Your curls look tamed for once,” Airsha said with a wide grin of her own.
“Yours do too. You look very regal. And no fair using your own pain to guilt me into this.”
She stuck out her tongue at me, and then laughed. Landor’s face was a picture after witnessing that little display of childlingness. Of course, he’d only seen her in Goddess-mode. This was her being herself.
“You spend too much time with your childlings,” I threw back. “If the council could only see you now.”
“I was hard pressed not to stick my tongue out at that arrogant lardlump. Woman, he called me,” she said with disgust, her nose wrinkling up. “As if I was a servant who’d washed his clothes poorly. Why did that nice Yarlo have to die so suddenly and be replaced by him? This idiot wasn’t even voted in, it seems. He was Yarlo’s cousin and just happened to raise his hand at the right moment after the funeral. Suspicious, I’d call it. And after today I imagine Moyna will be looking into that death a little more closely. Poisoning your competition was often the way of it among the old kinglunds’ rulers.”
I was shocked by that titbit but not overly much. Court-life would never have been my choice. I’d be better off on the streets than wandering the ballrooms of the nobility. It crossed my mind more often these days, what my mother had thought of being cast-off from the life she’d known. Marrying a fisherman must have been such a step down. Though she’d been happy. I know she’d been happy with Dah.
Pushing those sad thoughts away, I looked again at Zem and Landor, who were still staring at me. “What? Wadja got your tongues?”
Zem laughed and came forward to drop a kiss on my lips proprietarily. “I am going to be fighting off the men again tonight, aren’t I?”
He said it with such put-upon resignation that I punched him in the arm. He turned to Landor, his expression still one of weary resolve. “You see? I told you she’d do it. And she knows how to hit. That was no girlie punch. Airsha taught her well.”
Landor’s brows knitted, not sure how to take our playfulness. But he came forward and took up my hand, kissing it gently on the back. He’d done this the first time we’d met. Was it only the day before? I hadn’t considered it at the time. But now he’d repeated it, I realised he must have got the gesture from one of his ancient books. No one these days kissed a lady’s hand. Well, I didn’t think so.
But it was nice, that old-world gesture, so I didn’t comment. Zem’s eyes were marble hard though, as he watched him. Gods, I didn’t want this. I’d seen it coming, known it would have to. Still... it was hard to deal with. Why couldn’t Zem see there was no competition? He was part of me. The better part of me. No matter what occurred with Landor, he would always be my keystone.
“Let’s get this cavalcade on the road then,” Rama announced with a lazy twist of his hand. “The sooner we get there, the sooner it’ll be over.”
Everyone laughed, and whatever odd tension that had fallen over the gathering was immediately broken. I took Landor’s arm as Airsha took Darkin’s, and the rest formed up around us. I noted Rama fell back a little with the scowling Zem.
I couldn’t hear their whispered words but Rama had his barriers down so I could hear them from his mind.
“You’ll lose her if you keep this up. I know it’s new with you, having her as your lover, but clinging on to her won’t work. It can’t work,” Rama told Zem.
“I know. Don’t you think I know that? But the way he looks at her. Gods, he’s not someone I can compete with. And aye, I know I’m not supposed to compete. But it’s hard. I’m still a witless fool who gabbles numbers in my head to keep control. He’s been locked in a dark hole for twenty-five suns, and he behaves like he’s been walking these palace halls all his gods’ damned life. How can I not feel belittled by him? He saved my life twice when I was supposed to be saving his. The bastard is perfect!”
I gritted my teeth and smiled up at Landor who was staring down at me as if I was a princess.
“Has she given you any indication that she favours him above you?” Rama growled out, understanding my clod of a lover, but feeling frustrated with him too.
“No. But it’s early days...”
“Listen up. I will say this only once. It is something I have never told a soul, and I will deny I ever said it if ever you repeat it to anyone.”
I wondered why, if this was such a closely held secret, Rama was allowing me to share it. But I didn’t question, just looked around me as if I wasn’t eavesdropping like mad on a crucial, life-altering conversation.
“I’m the lowest rung in our marriage. Airsha and my brothers would deny it’s so, but I know it. But I love my woman so much I’d happily be her slops carrier if it meant having even a small place in her heart and in her life.
“If Flea means anywhere near that much to you then you have to do what I do. Shrug off your insecurities and doubts and be the man she needs you to be. Or the Goddess will replace you, and you’ll be left with nothing... Not even the pleasure of her smile. Do you understand?”
Zem choked out an assent before Rama patted him jovially on the shoulder. “Every day, every moment, be the man she needs you to be, not the jealous lad she’ll be turning herself inside out trying to appease. That lass has a hard enough road ahead. An impossible road ahead. She needs you more than she needs anyone else. So step up, Zem! Step the frag up!”
“Are you well?” Landor asked, his expression bemused.
I smiled and shook my head. “Of course. Just tired. And wishing I was anywhere but here.”
“I can agree whole-heartedly with you there. I wonder if these people will turn into an angry mob and burn the palace down to get to me.”
I laughed, knowing he was only partly joking. “You have a formidable army on your side, do not fear. Airsha alone could do it, but the rest of her men can fight, as can
Zem and me. You are safe with us.”
“What if I am seduced away by a pretty woman?”
I scowled up at him, my fury and frustration with Zem taking over. “I don’t want to play, Landor. I’m sorry. If a pretty woman, or more than one, offers you her bed, then you are free to take it. You are not bound to me yet. Make the most of your freedom. You have little enough time to enjoy it.”
We’d come to a halt just inside the great ballroom. Landor turned to look down at me properly, the moving, perfect marble statue with a heart as big and as tender as any wadjas. He was too good for the likes of me. Zem was too good for the likes of me.
A cool, pale hand rose to stroke my cheek. “We will do this thing, pretty lady. We will make this work and defeat this foe. My whole life has been a preparation for this time... these challenges. Do not doubt we can do it. Do not doubt us.”
I met his gaze as tears stung my eyes. The servant girl had smudged stuff on my lids that she said would make my eyes look bigger and more smouldering. But now that stuff was just stinging my eyes. It wasn’t for any other reason.
“Of course. We can do it.”
And with that I turned to face the glittering foe before me. Gods, how I hated court life.
Chapter Thirteen
For the next few turns I smiled, accepted compliments and filled Moyna—and anyone else who asked—in on what little plan we had: find the other two mages, search out the key to unlock the underworld prison and return The Jayger to it. I didn’t mention the fact that this crazy plan of the Goddess’ might lose me the man I loved most in the world. What if Zem decided that being the bottom rung of The Five was not where he wanted to be? What if he left me? The idea crushed my soul as much as it crushed my heart. I couldn’t imagine a world without Zem in it.
Rama said he’d be slop carrier for Airsha if that was all he could have of her, an absurd idea given the way I’d seen Airsha look at Rama. He was not on the bottom rung. There were no rungs in Airsha’s harem. She loved Rama with all her heart, as she did the others.
But I’d be Zem’s slop carrier if that was all I could have of him. If he left me... I’d follow him. I’d leave everything behind and follow him. Nothing in this world was more important to me than him, I realised with an aching start.
When had this happened? When had he wound himself so tightly around my heart that he was part of me? I thought I couldn’t love deeply enough, but this ache in my chest proved that I could. This was no lukewarm lover’s affection and brotherly love. This was an all-or-nothing need that could be satisfied by only Zem himself.
How did I tell him? How did I explain what he was to me? But hadn’t I done that already? How many different ways were there to say it?
Rama came to my side as I watched the dancers circle the brightly lit dance floor. Landor was standing in a shadowy area of the room deep in conversation with three pretty girls. I felt a pang of jealousy that he was taking me at my word, but I had greater concerns than his fidelity.
Zem stood with Calun and Darkin, equally deep in conversation. Although I was sure Calun was merely listening. Was Zem getting yet another lecture about how to handle being part of a harem? I hoped not.
“You heard?” Rama asked as he stood with me, staring at the dancers.
“I did. Why did you do that?”
“Because you have to understand what he’s going through. This is nothing to do with you. As weird as that is to say, it’s true. It’s all about how Zem feels about himself. And you can tell him and show him in a million ways how you value him, how you love him, but if he feels unworthy, then he will continue to feel unworthy of you. He has to sort this out for himself. He has to find the man within, so he can stand at your side with pride. You can’t do that for him.”
I frowned up at him. “Is that what it is with you? Does Airsha not count? Does how she feels about you not count?”
He sighed heavily. “Airsha loves me with everything she is. And I don’t undervalue that in the least. I would destroy her if I were to leave. I would destroy myself if I were to leave her. But how I feel about my place in her life is all on me. Every day I have to prove to her I’m worthy of her. Not because she requires it to continue loving me, but because I do.
“Zem will find it in his soul to do the same. Your task is to let him. No protestations of love, no pushing Landor or any of the others away... Do none of that. Let him prove himself to you, every day. And he will. That man couldn’t leave you if he wanted to. And he doesn’t want to. Believe me, he doesn’t want to.”
“Rama, Zem isn’t you.” I argued, running my fingers through my carefully arranged curls and disrupting a few of the strategically placed pins there.
“Zem is me. That lad carries a weight of guilt over what happened in his past. He’s fought his way back from the hell he lived in, mostly because you helped him do it. Like Airsha helped me. But in the end it’s always the person in the mirror who determines our fate. No one else. And maybe you need to realise that for yourself, too, little Flea. We love you. But maybe you need to love yourself for who you have become. Not that obnoxious little conster you were when you first came to us. She’s gone and good riddance to her. You are not her. Love the woman you are now. She deserves it. She deserves the love of the four men who will be drawn to her.”
At that moment, my hair decided to show its opinion of Rama’s suggestion by falling around my face. He laughed then, a loud joyous sound so out of keeping with the scarred and tortured man he was that it jarred me out of my morose mood.
“Now there’s the Flea I know and love!” he announced, swinging me into his arms for a dance, even as more of my flaming curls fell around my shoulders. I caught Landor glancing my way. I saw Zem staring at me with a bemused expression. And I saw myself in the floor to ceiling mirror along one wall as I danced jauntily with the oddly handsome Airlud.
What I saw surprised me. I looked... wild and beautiful... and happy. Was that girl really me? Did she deserve to be loved? I didn’t know.
When the dance ended, I excused myself and headed for my room. I had had enough of this charade. It was for Landor more than me, anyway. People wanted to see the strange, colourless man for themselves. I was nobody. A regular sight beside the Goddess Incarnate. No more than her shadow. I would hardly be missed.
As I hurried down the corridors, heading for the Goddess’ apartments, I heard running footsteps coming up behind me. I knew who it was before I took another step.
“What do you want, Zem?” I asked tersely, not bothering to look at him.
“I came to make sure you’re all right. Rama can be a bit harsh with you at times.”
I glanced up at him, his not-quite-handsome face earnest and filled with concern.
“Rama wasn’t harsh with me. The opposite. Which means it’s doubly hard to handle. But I left because... because my hair fell down and I had had enough of those puffed-up idiots. If there weren’t real people who deserved to be saved from this Jayger creature, I’d wash my hands of the whole thing.”
A big arm looped itself over my shoulder. “But there are, so we’ll do it. I’m sorry I’ve been one of those idiots. Rama set me straight. It won’t happen again. I’m with you, no matter what.”
I turned in his arms and stared up into his face. The determination I saw there surprised and heartened me. Maybe Rama was right. Maybe I didn’t have to work hard to prove anything to Zem. Maybe he had to do that for himself. It would be hard to let him, but what other choice did I really have? Knowing he loved me, that Airsha and the Airluds loved me, didn’t make me love myself. I had to do that, just as Zem had to do it for himself. Gods’ balls, life was hard!
“Can we find better things to do?” he asked as we walked along like that, his arm draped over my shoulder like he’d drunk too much ale.
“What have you in mind?” I asked, feeling a flame of desire stir in my core.
How had I gone from being largely sexless to being this... this easily aroused wanton? I di
dn’t even recognise this girl I was becoming. Did she deserve to be loved?
“Removing this very pretty green dress so I can see the very pretty body underneath, would be a start.”
“Ahha, I’m listening,” I said on a smile, feeling my blood heating in my veins.
“And maybe removing each of those pins from your hair so it can all fall down. I love your hair. It looks and feels like satin.” He fingered a curl as he spoke.
“That sounds good. My hair is a mess.”
“Yes, but a very sexy mess. I wanted to rip you out of Rama’s arms when you were out there on the dance floor. And I wasn’t the only one.”
“Why didn’t you?” I teased.
“Call me an idiot, but I feel attached to my balls for some strange reason. And I’d have been parted from them if I’d tried throwing up your skirts in the middle of that dance floor and taking you.”
“Rama wouldn’t do that.”
“Rama wasn’t who I was thinking of.”
I laughed then and leaned up to kiss his lips. They were hot and wet and tasted of wine.
“Your balls are safe with me. For now.”
We heard the sound of heavy footstep then, and glanced in their direction. Coming down the shadowy corridor was a barrel-chested, muscular man with jet-black skin. I drew a little away from Zem, to give us both space if we needed to fight. I recognised this stranger, and yet I didn’t. Did I know this man?
He came to a standstill in front of us, black eyes darting from Zem to me and back again. “Are you two the Champions of the Goddess everyone is talking about?”
“We are. Why do you ask?” Zem spoke up, already in warrior-mode. I felt his muscles tense ready for battle.
