by Jean Oram
He’d tried to include her in his latest travel adventure—Belize—then again with the Honduras trip and she’d soundly rejected his ideas as well as attempts to weave her into his current life. Could she have been more upfront and transparent about what she wanted in terms of adventure? No, she’d been pretty clear. He knew she didn’t want to travel the world any longer, he knew she wanted to keep her job, wanted to stay in Blueberry Springs. He’d also known that moving forward with a relationship was something serious for her.
“He said he was single,” she said, the old hurt and anger welling up inside from that weeks-ago conversation.
“Bastard.” Her friend seemed outraged on her behalf and shoved a big scoop of ice cream in her mouth, then clutched her forehead. She gasped, “Brain freeze.”
“Is it wrong to like having one place to call home? A job? Life with close friends? My aunts?”
Amber gave her a look that suggested she might be crazy for asking.
“I’m not exactly the same woman Todd was friends with a year ago.” Nicola frowned, thinking. It didn’t matter. There was no need to do a postmortem. She’d known it wouldn’t last and it didn’t. She had new things to worry about. She yawned and pushed her unfinished ice cream away. “I’m sorry, but I’m exhausted.”
Amber shoved her last spoonful into her mouth and stood, giving Nicola a massive, warm hug that made her want to cry.
Amber headed for the door. “Call me if you need me, okay?”
Nicola nodded.
“And…it gets better.”
“Does it?” She felt as if the hole inside her would be there until her dying day.
“It has to. Otherwise humanity would have knocked itself off eons ago. And you know what?” Amber added. “We’re all going to be here for you. Lots of us. Don’t waste time crying over him.”
Nicola nodded and shut the door, leaning against it. She knew without a doubt that there would be a whole lot of crying over Todd Haber as well as wondering what she could have done to make it all work.
* * *
“I shouldn’t be this miserable. Maybe it’s the pregnancy,” Nicola said, chin propped on her palm as she stared at Devon across his kitchen table. He was pushing great spoonfuls of peanut butter into his mouth.
“I mffroof it!”
“What?”
He made a point of swallowing hard, then said triumphantly, “I knew it! I’m the dad.”
She gave him a dark look. “Don’t even joke. You know—”
“How fast that would get around town? Sounds like a fun challenge that would provide a little diversion from reality.” He stood, taking a swig of water as he bounced on the balls of his feet.
“What are you doing?”
“Warming up my muscles.”
“For what?”
He gave her a look of disbelief, then ran a hand down his chiseled torso. “Hello?”
He was in athletic gear. Right.
“You’re running a marathon.”
“Not right now,” he said with disgust. “I’m training. The marathon isn’t for another two months.”
“Boston?”
“You really don’t listen very well, do you?”
She listened just fine, thank you.
“It’s winter,” Devon stated.
“Right. You know you’re going to freeze in that?”
“It’s called a treadmill. Nicola, you hear what you want to, and don’t process stuff. I’ll bet, in some way, it was you who pushed Todd away and not the other way around.” Devon had a knowing look as he waggled a finger at her. At the moment he was acting very much like her auntie Liz.
Bossy know-it-all.
“I didn’t push him away.”
It wasn’t her fault Todd had kept running off—and as far as she knew, was currently on his way back from his scuba trip. He was her best friend and he knew she liked to settle down in small towns. He knew what she wanted going into their relationship and should never have taken her to bed if that was above his punching weight.
“You love him. That’s why it sucks so bad. That’s why you moped your whole entire birthday. You’ve become a wet blanket where fun’s concerned and it’s not going to stop until you either win him back or get over him.”
Nicola sighed, stacking her fists to use as a chin rest.
They sat in silence for a minute.
“So? Did our chat cure you? Can I go for a run?” Devon watched her for a moment, then sank into a nearby chair, defeated. “All right. Pour it all out.” He wiggled his fingers as though coaxing her forward.
She sighed again.
“What did he say about you being in a family way?”
She shrugged. “Nothing, really.”
Devon half stood, swung the chair around and straddled it backward. “You shocked him?”
She shrugged. Probably.
“My, you’re full of words. If you didn’t have a bun in the oven I’d give you a drink to loosen your tongue. But since you’re an expectant mother-to-be we’ll hold off.”
“How many euphemisms do you have for pregnant?”
“Oh, at least twenty off the top of my head,” he said, obviously pleased she’d noticed. “While you’re in a chatty mood and have broken your code of silence, tell me this—why haven’t you gone after him and made it all better?”
“Because!”
“Stupid answer. Try again.”
She grumbled at him, then said, “He wants excitement and travel and adventure. This is anything but.”
“Have you tried asking him what he wants?”
“He’d rather rescue a work colleague and go on a trip than hang out with me on my birthday.”
Devon was silent for a moment, then loosened the laces of his shoes and kicked them off. “And you told him going was fine?”
“Of course!” she snapped. “I wasn’t going to make him to stay so he lost the cost of the trip. He wanted to go. He made that choice. I didn’t come first and it would have been relationship suicide to hold him back.”
“When did you become so stupid?” Devon asked mildly.
She startled, surprised.
“Seriously, Nicola. Have you seen the way he looks at you? I’m not a guy to back down when I’m interested in a woman, but that man obviously loves you and would do anything for you. And you know what I saw? I saw you acting skittish about commitment whenever he was around. You acted aloof and as though your relationship didn’t mean anywhere near as much as I know it did. You don’t hide how much you love your boyfriend! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen!” He paused for a breath. “Of course he’s acting this way—he thinks he doesn’t matter to you and now you’re going to have a baby together and you’re shutting him out, grasping for any reason for him to not be in the picture. You’re rejecting him before he can reject you, but I don’t think rejecting you is on his agenda.” Impassioned, he banged the table with a fist, making it shudder.
Nicola sucked in a sharp breath, the pain in her chest so very real.
“You haven’t even given him a chance to process your new lives and you’re already tossing him aside. Instead of looking for signs of him running away, take a look at all the ways he ran toward you. Then take a look at yourself.” Devon stood up, pointing one of his sneakers at her. “You’re the one who’s scared. Scared that he might love you deeply. Scared that you’re not enough. That man traveled the world with you. When exactly did you not become enough for him?”
Nicola jutted out her chin, his words striking a little too close to home. “He’s still traveling and I’m stuck here.”
“You’re not stuck anywhere but in your own fears.” He gave her one last, slightly disgusted look and headed for the door, turning to add, “For the sake of this kid that’s on the way, get your head on straight and see what you have, instead of seeing what you might not have and then making it a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
He marched off, only to return a moment later. “You don’t just walk a
way from love like, ‘Oh, well. Maybe next time.’ You hear me? When it’s as good as you two had it, you hold on with both hands and never ever let go no matter what life throws at you.”
He turned away, then back again, waving his shoe. “And you’re not mad at him. You’re mad at yourself because you love him so much it scares the life out of you. That’s why this sucks. That’s why you’re miserable.”
She blinked, absorbing his words.
“And another thing. He’s not a player and neither am I. In fact, I resent being typed like that and I bet he does, too.”
She couldn’t form words. He’d destroyed her ability to speak.
“I’m going to the gym. Stay as long as you like,” he said quietly, and let himself out.
Nicola sat in solitude, mulling over Devon’s perspective.
It was her fault.
There was no other explanation. Sure, Todd had taken a lot of jobs that involved overseas work, but she hadn’t discouraged it. Plus, she hadn’t needed to be so obsessively planned for her events. She’d hidden behind the tasks; almost becoming an extreme version of the part of herself she’d feared he’d grow bored of.
Sure, their relationship hadn’t been perfect. It had still been new, green. There had been things they needed to figure out, but she hadn’t even given them a chance.
Instead, she’d pushed him out due to an argument made out of paper-thin excuses based on her own insecurities. To add insult to injury, she’d barely even asked him what he wanted and had assumed he still wanted the adventure of travel, because that was what he’d kept mentioning. But maybe he’d simply been looking for a way to stay connected with her—someone who had definitely changed.
He’d once wanted her and maybe he still did.
There was only one way to find out—if she had the guts to ask.
Chapter 9
Nicola pulled on her favorite pair of trim pants and tugged up the side zipper. What on earth? She glanced at herself in the mirror, then bent, staring at the fly. She was getting fat again. No, the baby was growing and so was she. Unzipping the pants, she let them fall to the floor, then kicked them onto the bed. It wasn’t fair. She was only in the first trimester. She should still be able to wear whatever she wanted.
Twiggy, who’d been dozing, glanced up, then rolled over to expose his tummy for a rub as she added another pair of pants to the pile. Her dog flipped onto his side, snorting at her lack of attention as she continued to dig through her wardrobe.
She eyed the growing stack of discarded clothes. This was going to be a problem sooner than she’d expected. Weeks ago she’d picked out her most flattering outfit for her high school reunion—one she’d bought at an awesome discount designer place Mandy had told her about. The pantsuit made her look successful and feel confident. It was also now officially too small. As was her backup outfit.
How did women manage to keep their pregnancy a secret all the way into the second trimester? Was Nicola carrying a litter instead of one little baby? It was the approximate size of a peanut right now and yet she couldn’t fit into her pants. How enormous was she going to be like when it was actually baby-sized?
And then it was going to have to come out.
Oh, no, no, no. Don’t think about that. Not today. She was already stressed out enough about her ambush-Todd plan. She needed to find out, in a public place where they hopefully wouldn’t cause a scene, if he still wanted her. Assuming he was going to the reunion back in their hometown. Which he probably wasn’t.
She sat on the bed, full of self-doubt. They’d talked over the phone once since their fight, and the conversation had devolved fast when she’d asked him what he wanted in his life. Apparently he was still pretty shocked by the prospect of becoming a dad and didn’t have a plan—he kept asking her what she wanted. Frustrated, she’d ended the call, vowing to do a better job of listening, supporting, and generally not freaking out on him the next time they interacted which she hoped would be today—face-to-face. Two and a half weeks after their breakup.
She tossed on a dress that was a bit summery for the season but had a high waist and a full skirt that would mask her tiny baby bump. Although it was definitely tight across her rapidly expanding chest. Shaking her head, Nicola twisted and pinned her hair back and headed out the door.
A few hours later she was standing outside her old high school, staring at the brand-new gymnasium, where the reunion was being held. Bundled up couples were coming in from the parking lot, hand in hand, cheeks pink from the cold, laughing and excited to be there.
Taking a deep breath, Nicola braced herself for the upcoming onslaught of small talk as she searched for Todd.
“Has Todd Haber picked up his name tag yet?” she asked at the welcome table, scanning the rows of tags lined up on a wreath-themed tablecloth. If he wanted her, wanted to find neutral ground so they could talk, wanted to make it right again, he’d probably be here, wouldn’t he?
The woman with the large pregnant belly grinned up at her. “Nicola?”
She nodded, having just put on her own name tag. The woman was familiar, but unable to pull up her name from memory, Nicola cheated and glanced at the woman’s name tag. “Stacey! Oh, my gosh. How are you?” She extended her hand for a shake.
“Great! Todd’s not here yet.” She reached for Nicola’s coat, hanging it on the long rack behind her. The entire entry was awash in festive holiday decorations. A bit overdone as though the decorating committee was trying too hard, Nicola thought. A sure sign her old fundraising partner, Beverly, was involved.
“Yet?”
“He did RSVP. Are you two still friends?” Stacey asked.
Nicola started to smooth her dress over her stomach before she caught herself. “Yes.” And yes, he’d RSVP’d, but that had been months ago when they’d received the emailed invitations and made a pact to go together.
“I thought you two would be married by now.”
Nicola blinked. Married? To Todd?
Oh, the joke! It was because of the joke. “Right. We were going to get married at age thirty if we were both single. Not quite there yet!” She laughed. “Give us a few years.”
“No, I mean because of the way you two…” Stacey’s face scrunched and she began to babble uncomfortably, her hands waving wildly. “…just clicked, you know? You had that special connection. You were—I don’t know—in love or something.”
Nicola blushed, feeling self-conscious. “We were? We did?”
“What do I know? I’m twice divorced already.” Stacey laughed, face red, and eagerly turned to greet an approaching couple.
Nicola, mulling over Stacey’s perception of her relationship with Todd, scanned a wall of graduation photos, her gaze automatically seeking out Todd. Handsome, serious. With that ever-present twinkle in his eyes.
Would he come tonight? Would she be leaving on his arm?
“Nicola? Is that you?” It was Beverly, a classmate who’d always gone on the best spring break vacations, places Nicola had only dreamed about before her backpacking adventures with Todd. “Oh my gosh! When we began organizing the reunion Annie said you and Todd were still out traveling the world. I’m so glad you could make it.” She gave Nicola a hug.
“We came back almost a year ago. The decorations look lovely.”
“Thank you!” Beverly glanced behind Nicola. “Where is that man?”
“Todd? We didn’t come together.”
“But you two are inseparable!”
“I guess not so much at the moment.” Nicola rubbed her arm, feeling awkward.
“I had such a crush on him, but he didn’t even see me. He always chose you for everything. Always had you as his first pick.”
“We were good friends.”
She began ticking things off on her fingers. “Chemistry partner, badminton, you name it. He always sat beside you. And even though you didn’t like him that way you were always so cool about it.”
“We were just friends,” Nicola said slowly. Beve
rly had it all wrong. Nicola had been the one totally crushing, not Todd.
“I expected you to have finally let him catch you by now.”
Nicola opened her mouth to reply, but came up blank.
“There you are!” Stacey came hurrying over as fast as her large belly would let her. She pulled on Nicola’s arm. “I have to get you into the gym. You need to hear the next song.”
“Why?”
Stacey and Beverly shared a grin and propelled Nicola through the double doors and onto the gleaming hardwood floor.
“Todd made a song request,” Stacey said.
“But he’s not here.”
“I know.”
A song was just ending and one of the organizers, Lorraine, came up and gave Nicola a hug. “We missed having you on the planning committee.” The two of them had created all sorts of fun when they’d chaired the fundraiser activities in tenth grade.
“Oh, my gosh!” Beverly began laughing. “Remember that car wash you guys set up with the slip and slide?”
“You lost your bikini!” Lorraine exclaimed.
“So embarrassing.” Beverly groaned, rolling her eyes for emphasis.
“I bet today’s classes don’t have nearly as much fun raising money as we did,” Stacey declared.
They began swapping more stories, laughing and smiling, brought together by memories Nicola had had a big hand in creating.
“So? There’s a song?” Nicola asked tentatively. “From Todd?”
What was he going to do? Play something romantic, then come into the gym and get down on one knee and propose on the dance floor? She might faint.
After saying, “yes,” of course.
Beverly pulled on her arm. “Remember that time he bought all the T-shirts in the wrong color?”
“He did try to help,” Nicola said, her mind spinning in circles.
“He was so helpless at all of that stuff,” Stacey added, rolling her eyes and laughing. “But he wanted to be where you were.” She gave Nicola a one-armed hug and a smile.
