by Reese, K. R.
When Ashlee walked down the stairs at Trevor’s and asked if they could talk, Michael wanted nothing more than to do that. But, it was bad timing. He had to go with his parents to finish up all the legal bullshit with the lawyers over this investigation. If she was going to tell him that she couldn’t see him anymore, he’d rather it be done and over with. Before he could say anything, though, she was practically yelling at him.
“I love you.” Three little words that could break him, at least coming from her. He knew he could’ve stayed there to listen to what else she had to say, but he was terrified that she was still going to want nothing to do with him. Michael couldn’t say he blamed her; after everything that happened, he didn’t expect much else. Did she say she loved him?
Sitting in the backseat of his parents’ car, his heart sped up. Fuck. He did the worst thing he probably could’ve done; he walked out. No I love you, too. Just nothing.
A few hours later, his parents dropped him off in front of Ashlee’s house and left. He wasn’t sure if she was even home, but the lights were on in the kitchen, so that might be a good sign. He knocked on the door and started to panic. What if she closed the door in his face? What is she’d moved on to someone else? She wouldn’t have told you she loved you.
When she opened the door, he just stood there. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, and Michael opened his arms. She ran into them and clung to him a little harder than necessary, but he wasn’t going to tell her to stop. He could hear her sobbing and felt his shirt getting wet.
“It’s okay, Ash. I’m okay.” He whispered and kissed the top of her head. After a few minutes, she pulled back.
“I thought that something had happened,” she started.
“I know. I tried to contact you to tell you everything was fine. I wanted you to know that I was coming back. I’m sorry for everything.” She just nodded, still staring at him.
“I love you so much, Michael. We can’t keep doing this to each other.” He couldn’t help the smile that took over his face.
“What was that?” He asked.
“I said, I love you so much and we can’t keep doing this to each other.” He watched as she froze, fear taking over everything because she didn’t know how he was going to act. He tilted her chin up.
“I love you, Ashlee. I love you when you’re angry. I love you when you’re kind. I love you even when I can’t stand you.”
She leaned forward and kissed him gently. She hadn’t put everything she had into the kiss, alerting him that something was wrong. Michael pulled back slightly and looked at her face. Ashlee was avoiding his eyes as best she could. He grabbed her chin and lifted her eyes to his.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
The endearment sent more tears to her eyes. What the hell was wrong with her? Before he knew what was happening, she grabbed his hand and pulled him into the house to the living room, sitting him on the couch. “There’s something I need to tell you, but I don’t know how you’re going to react,” she whispered against his chest.
He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and let her cry into his shirt again. Michael didn’t know what was wrong, didn’t know how to sooth her. “Ash, you can tell me anything. You know that, don’t you?”
She didn’t answer right away, whether because she was afraid or she was trying to put it into words. The longer he waited for her to talk, the more his chest tightened and air was escaping his lungs. Was she leaving anyways? The thought made him off balance and he let her go, standing up to pace the room. Ashlee watched him, her eyes never wavering, but never giving direct contact either. It was unnerving.
“Ash, you’re killing me with all this superstitious bullshit. What is it?”
She caught his gaze and held it then. “Ella made me go to her house today to take a pregnancy test.” Michael wasn’t sure if he’d her right. There was a ringing in his ears and his breath hitched. The room started to spin and he had to sit down again.
“Were…” He cleared his throat. “Are you? Pregnant, I mean.”
She just started shaking her head. “I don’t know. I didn’t take it, well, wouldn’t take it. Then you were there.”
She hadn’t taken the test. She didn’t know.
Chapter Fourteen
“Should I go,” He shut his eyes.
“Should you go and buy a pregnancy test? Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”
He didn’t say anything, just took the keys to her Jeep and headed to the pharmacy. Everything was a blur; his ears were still ringing. A baby? What were they going to do? This wasn’t supposed to happen. They were supposed to get to know each other, get married, spend some time together first. Michael had to take a deep breath.
When he got back to Ashlee’s house, she escaped to the bathroom. He didn’t know what to do. Should he follow her? Should he wait out here? A million different thoughts and questions were swirling through his mind. Ashlee emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later.
“I can’t look at it,” she whispered, removing the stick from her pocket and handing it to him. Michael knew his face was puzzled right now. Looking down at what she’d just handed him, his whole body stiffened in response. The whole world around him tilted and then went still.
“You’re pregnant.” It wasn’t a question. His gaze couldn’t linger on anything, searching for something to grasp onto in his line of sight. That sounds like an accusation. Maybe it was, he didn’t know. Michael sunk onto the couch, still holding the small stick in his hands. He kept clenching and unclenching his fists. “Are you going to keep it?” His voice sounded hoarse, even to him. He looked up at her.
Ashlee was glaring at him now, a look of hurt and anger mixed in her expression. “Did you expect anything else?”
He exhaled more loudly than he needed to, trying to keep his thoughts from jumbling together. He still couldn’t look at her. This wasn’t the plan. Michael shut his eyes for a second then stood, unsure of what to do. “I need a minute.”
Ashlee watched Michael leave the room. Her breath caught in her throat, losing all oxygen in her lungs for a second. Shouldn’t he be happy? She knew she was, even if it wasn’t what she’d expected. She knew she needed to give him his time and some space. Processing everything was still a challenge for her, too. She slowly walked into the kitchen, standing against the doorframe. Michael had his hands on the counter, his head down. She wanted to go to him, to comfort him, wrap her arms around his waist. But she couldn’t.
Something that Ella had told her before the wedding drifted through her mind. Michael doesn’t put down roots. He doesn’t stay in one place for too long. Hell, Michael had told Ashlee that himself, too. What were they going to do? She didn’t fit into his lifestyle. Throw a baby into the mix, and that sure didn’t fit into his life, either. A sob escaped her lips, even though she tried not to let it out. Michael’s head shot up, his eyes instantly finding hers. The look of anguish and fear was consuming her. She had to get out of here.
Panic nearly stopped Ashlee’s feet from moving, but they did move. She heard him say something, her name she thought, but she was already running out of the house and peeling out of the driveway. She didn’t know where she was going, didn’t need a set destination. Plans could be made later. After Michael decided what he wanted to do. Ashlee knew under no circumstances would she give the baby up, even if that meant being a single mother and raising it on her own. This is all she’d ever wanted. It wasn’t exactly what she’d been wanting now. Wasn’t expecting it to happen with Michael. Hadn’t planned on getting involved with Michael in the first place. But it had happened and it was too late to change it.
Reality began to sink into every cell of her being, bringing tears to her eyes. She pulled off the side of the road, laid her head on the steering wheel and just sat. She’d hooked up with Michael for the sole purpose of having a little fun, trying to get over Nathan, and moving on with her life. Do something eventful. At the time, she hadn’t known that eventful meant gettin
g pregnant with a man she barely knew; a man who didn’t have a clue what he wanted out of life and moved all over the place, all the time.
You’ve been here before. Loving someone, then losing them. The thought struck home and she sucked in a breath. When she seen the look on Michael’s face, seen the pain in his stare, she knew this wasn’t what he wanted. As much as he loved her and wanted to see where this would go, he didn’t want long-term. He didn’t want a lifetime. Then she’d went and thrown this at him, expecting a much better reaction than what he’d given her. He’d warned her, though.
She’d been searching for something for the past four years. Michael had made her feel content, safe, and loved. Was she so in over her head to have his attention that she missed all the signs that he wasn’t sticking around forever? Maybe she had, but that didn’t change the situation they were in now. Regardless of how much Michael may want it, too. Go talk to him. Her mind kept screaming at her to turn around and go back hoe, but she couldn’t, not yet. Too soon. She wanted to yell.
Tendrils of fear began to set in, starting in her stomach and closing her throat. What if he leaves and never looks back? Ashlee’s spine stiffened, shock rocketing through her system. As much as she wanted them to raise this baby together, be a family, she wouldn’t force it on him. She didn’t know how long she sat there, parked along the side of the road, but when the cold started creeping in, she kicked the heat on and turned back towards home. Or was it their home now? She didn’t know how their next encounter would go, and she wasn’t prepared for it. That’s when she decided she’d sleep in the Jeep. The seats would fold down in the back and there was a blanket in the trunk. With her mind set on that plan, she shut off her headlights before pulling into the drive.
All the lights were off in the house. She wasn’t sure if Michael had decided to go to bed or if he’d left to clear his head, but either way, she wasn’t going in. She climbed in the back, forced the seats to fold down, grabbed the blanket and laid down. It wasn’t comfy, but she’d make do. Before long she was dosing off and couldn’t hold her eyes open anymore.
Michael woke up, the bright sun peeking through the blinds in the bedroom. What the hell had he done last night? His head hurt and he was sluggish. There was a bottle of bourbon laying on the floor, empty. Memories of last night fleeted through his head, everything that had happened after Ashlee had said something about a pregnancy test. Fear started to take hold, but he pushed it back. Searching the entire house, panic set in when he realized Ashlee wasn’t here. Michael knew he’d been harsh last night, unable to process everything at once, but he hadn’t expected her to stay gone all night.
Throwing on some pants and a sweatshirt, he intended to go looking for her. Even if he had to walk for miles to do it. Pulling his phone from the charger in the kitchen, he found her name in his contacts and walked onto the porch. When he seen the Jeep, his expression froze on his face. Where the hell was she when her Jeep was here? He knew that she had pulled out in it, but how had it ended up parked outside, Ashlee nowhere in sight? Calling her number, a sound from inside the Jeep had him reacting faster than he thought possible.
The doors were locked when he pulled on them. Damn it, Ashlee. It was below twenty degrees outside and he knew, without having to look, that she’d slept in the car to avoid his accusing and fearful glares. “Fuck!” He yelled at nothing. Going back into the house and up to the closet, he found a metal coat hanger. Hopefully the door locks were easily accessible. Forcing the window down slightly, he put the hanger through, hoping it snagged on anything. Instead the alarm started blaring. It unbalanced him and he dropped the hanger inside the car. Groaning loudly, he turned around and ran his hand through his hair. What was he supposed to do now?
The alarm shut off then, Ashlee’s head peering over the driver’s seat. She climbed onto the console and unlocked the doors, letting herself out. “Are you known for breaking and entering into other people’s vehicles, or is this a new attribute to your many talents?” Her words were shaky.
“Are you trying to give me a fucking heart attack? Do you realize it’s below twenty degrees outside and you slept in the damn car,” he was yelling, but he needed to get everything out in the open. “I called your phone, you didn’t answer. Hypothermia could have set in and very well killed you. If it’s below twenty out now, I’m sure it was much colder last night. What the hell were you thinking, Ashlee?” His accusatory tone hadn’t left his system yet.
He watched as she narrowed her eyes and didn’t back down. “What was I thinking? Maybe I was thinking that I couldn’t face you! I couldn’t face the rejection in your look alone! Your words would’ve destroyed me had I come back in the house at all! So, before you accuse me of being selfish and irresponsible, maybe you should look a little closer in the mirror!” There weren’t any tears now, but he could see the pain flitting across her face. “I thought you would’ve left and run across the country by now. I guess I was wrong on that account.”
With that, he watched her walk up the porch steps and slam the door. Fucking A. The challenge was there, lying in wait, to see what he’d do. He hadn’t been looking for love when he came home. He’d been looking for an answer, but he didn’t know to what. Ashlee had been trying to get over the death of her fiancé, just a little fun in her fantasy world, but instead she was content with this, their arguing and throwing insults back and forth. That’s when it clicked into place and Michael wanted to punch something. Instead he bounded up the steps and into the house, listening for the sounds that had become familiar. Ashlee was in the kitchen, banging things around, slamming cupboards.
“All you’ve wanted this entire time is a replacement for your fiancé. I get it now. You weren’t able to get over him, so you thought if there was someone else to fill up your time, everything would be okay.” Michael tried to keep his voice low, and so far, it was working, but he was afraid to hear what she was going to say.
“There is no one in this world that can replace Nathan. There’s nothing that could replace what we had, Michael.” The lethal strike hit him hard, slicing through his chest like razorblades, but the look in her eyes said she wasn’t done. “I’d never attempt to replace him. He meant the world to me, and still holds a place in my heart, even after four years. That’s hard to let go of, Michael. We had been best friends our entire lives. No one can take his place. I’m sorry if that isn’t what you wanted to hear. I’m sorry if this is hurting you. That isn’t my intention, but this is where it stands.” The tension in her face relaxed, but her shoulders were still stiff.
His heart froze. He’d believed every word she’d said when she told him that she loved him, only to have it thrown back in his face. It never occurred to him that she couldn’t come back from the tragedy that had happened. Michael didn’t know why she thought a baby would change everything. It wouldn’t.
“Michael,” She sighed before continuing. “We never made any promises. We never had any plans on where this was going. We knew it was probably short-term, even now I can see the look in your eyes that you want to run away. So just go, if that’s what you want.”
At least she was brutally honest. The truth could hurt far worse than any lie, though. And the truth was, as much as he cared about Ashlee, and as much as she cared about him, there wasn’t any room in her heart to truly love him. Michael knew she cared, he could see it in her eyes, but there was something else there, too. There was a longing that he could never replace, a longing for someone who wasn’t him. He wasn’t usually emotional, but everything these past two days had torn his chest wide open, leaving him vulnerable and exposed.
The connection he thought was between them was one-sided. The feelings that coursed through him whenever she was near and the sparks that ignited in his blood whenever they touched in the slightest was all figments of his imagination. His mind was conjuring what he wanted to feel, the way he wanted things to be. It wasn’t real, not really. The next words she spoke shattered all perspective for him.
/> “I don’t need you, Michael. Our baby will be loved and cherished, no matter the price, and they will have everything they could ever ask for, I’ll make sure of it. You can go back to your high rise in the big cities, your condos in the suburbs, or wherever it is you’ll be staying next. I’ll be right here in Wilson Creek, where I belong.”
She turned on her heel and bolted for the stairs, taking two at a time, and locking herself in the bedroom.
Chapter Fifteen
“Ashlee, open the door.” Michael banged on the door repeatedly, and she continued to ignore it. Somehow they’d went from panicking and fearful to angry and seething overnight. Then she’d went and thrown it in his face that he would never be Nathan. She wasn’t trying to replace Nathan, that wasn’t a possible outcome no matter which way they put it, but Michael was a different person. So why did she go and rub it in that he could never be the love she needed? The love she wanted?
In all honesty, he was the love she wanted. This was killing her. Her insides were doing flip-flops and she felt the need to hurl everything in the room at Michael’s head. God, she had never been violent before. Where was this coming from? Ashlee wanted to blame it on her pregnancy hormones, but that wouldn’t be right. She knew all the feelings coursing through her had nothing to do with the pregnancy and everything to do with Michael.
“Come on, Ashlee, you need to open up. I’m tempted to kick this door down, but that’d mean something is likely to come flying at my head.” He laughed a bit. “Actually, probably more than one thing.”
She stomped to the door and flung it open. She watched as he took in her tear-streaked face and stricken expression. Ashlee recognized the moment that sympathy registered in his eyes, and he knew this was all his fault. She didn’t want this sympathy, didn’t want his comfort either. Ashlee knew that Michael wanted to handle this situation like he handled everything; he wanted to be in control. She wasn’t going to let that happen. She crossed her arms. “I’ve always been honest with you, Michael. I’ve never lied to you or led you to believe that I didn’t care for Nathan. He was my life for, well, eighteen years. That isn’t a short time of loving, laughing and losing it all; that’s a lot of time.” A headache as forming behind her eyes. “My intention wasn’t to make you feel like I was just using you as a replacement.”
