“I am a blank page——a waiting sail, a sudden calm at sea,” I reply. “And you, My Love? How are you this night?” “I am still so present with the children,” he admits. “They are pressing in on me; nicely so. Reports need to be done. Let’s spend time with them before we sleep.
Our chemistry is completely aligned when we pray. Holding each child we creep into their homes, imagining how they are sleeping; what they have around them. I recognize the emerging personalities of The Class. Emily is tucked up so neatly; teddy bears in neat rows, a light on in the corridor because she is scared of the dark. Siobhan her twin is in a jumble; her bedclothes a tangled mess and hair un-brushed she is deeply asleep after the busy day. Kit——where is he? Oh, my goodness, he is sleeping under the bed! His defenses are high, anticipating dinosaur attack in the night. We bless each one, saying goodnight and closing their doors. Every child receives a prayer to aid his/her Earthly journey. This is a beautiful way to pray; something each teacher undertakes every night. I feel privileged to be sharing sacred time with the Class 3 teacher; my Soul Mate; the man I belong to, belong with. I have absolutely no hesitation in abiding here, in him, with him, however impossible that might be.
We are so close——we could easily make love. But we refrain, feeling it would be wrong in the light of our presence with the sleeping class. Kissing each other tenderly I leave Adrian and climb the stairs to my own bed. I wake at one-thirty a.m, wishing I could go to him. But he is tired and we do not sleep when we are together. The chance of being close and sacred is too great a distraction. I imagine we would find rest eventually, once given the chance to spend more time together. Awake again at five a.m I can’t wait any longer. The stairs creak as I tread their wooden passage. Rinky sleeps on the landing but early risers never disturb her.
He is waiting for me, as I knew he would be, welcoming me as naturally as a hand to a well-loved glove. Ah——the bliss of being enfolded by my Swallow Man. I cannot describe the unity; the sanctuary of our bond on every level. This truly is a taste of paradise. I cannot believe we are being blessed with such an exquisite gift.
Thursday 23rd November 2006
Adrian’s sleep was as patchy as mine, he tells me. “I had two of those damp dreams and I woke with an aching groin. Perhaps we should have made love after all.” “Mmm——perhaps. Maybe we would have been more relaxed afterwards.” There is still so much to discover about each other. We do not make love this morning. To snuggle up close is enough for today. Adrian is anxious to leave early. “I’ll get home before Big J. rises. I don’t want her even more suspicious. She has been treading lightly around me recently; asking about The Copper Band I wear on my wedding finger, but in a kind way. I’m sure she wonders where I go when I stay the night away. I’ve been wondering about The Copper Band too——perhaps it is for us; has been all along? It’s ridiculous that a mature man of my years should be feeling anxious. But——I don’t want to be caught as the guilty boy this morning; I am no Tell Tale. I’m off my Sweet.”
I wave him goodbye. The Minx slumbers on. Adrian has questions about us he tells me, serious questions he needs to consider. It feels right to let him go. We are so together that even when apart I sense him with me. I have been feeling that a quieter time; a stowing of the sails is right–placed, even though I couldn’t resist if he was in a full-blooded mood. He smiles at me so beautifully before he leaves, kissing me deeply before walking down the gangplank.
A.m. Adrian: Showered and shaved——a perfect ruse——no tricky questions, just a disappointed Lover. I think a rapid exit was the right thing. How about you? Can we talk briefly?
I telephone. We chat intimately. I mention our holding back and my inability to resist him at the same time. “Just as well I did leave then; that I listened to my intuition,” he replies. “What exactly are the ‘woolies’ on a boat?” I ask. “Ah,” he explains, “they are small, woolen tassels attached to the sails. They move with the slightest breeze, alerting the sailor to adjust the tension just ahead of the main gust.”
The sacred connection we felt last night was quite something, we both agree. No words can describe the shared experience. When we find that edge——step through The Garden Gate into focused union——we taste the finest nectar. “It is the knife-edge keel of our Boat; where she finds the perfect course and cuts through the ocean swell with little effort and the swiftest speed.” I sense Adrian smiling. Yes, he knows what I am talking about. I am overjoyed to have found my fellow sailor, and he? Yes, I know he feels the same way. “So, My Friend, what comes next?” he asks. “I really want to get onto that land of yours; tidy things up——help you out with it all——hmm”——
Mouse: She wants to nestle in his arms——their conversation so warm and perfect. How are they to stand now? How can they possibly find a way? And then, a sudden realization dawns. They have before them the full list of barriers——age, marriage, children, cash flow, community——and to complete the list, let’s give them homes and families as far away as is globally possible. There——let’s see how they cope with those limitations! But, we’ll give them windows of opportunity and time. So, if this is a test, probably set by ourselves for this lifetime, what is our aim? Are we striving to be together, come what may? Do we set ourselves more challenging obstacles each time around? {A near impossible task to pull off with love and integrity.} Or, are we meant to resist this extraordinary bond as an act of selfless humility for service to, and love of, others? Dear Angels, please cast your light upon our hearts, upon our intuition——X
P.s——Several more circumstances to add to our list of daring, impregnable challenges:
“They have chosen as their Leafy Glade a space directly beneath his School Principal’s kitchen. Mouse is one of the parents while Adrian is one of the teachers. Her husband holds an important role in the spiritual and moral welfare of a section of the town’s population, as well as sitting on both the School and College boards of trustees. As a family they are supposed to be upstanding Christians in the heart of the town. Her marriage, family and background are built on solid, morally-sound ground. His integrity and sensitivity are the backbone of his personal standing; striving towards exemplary, and hers always used to be. His job demands truth and honour above the average.” My, my——these Angels certainly have daring. They are risk-takers. In fact, they are very naughty but nicely so. They are such fun. Those less brave are watching with baited breath——enthralled in the wings——and their Angels know it and are loving every minute——X
Later, Mouse: Now I have got the giggles——wish I were laughing and playing in The Leafy Glade. This accountancy exam is very serious! As I finished supervising the last exam I printed——BUM——and then——BAD, by mistake. Naughty Angel——giggling Angel. Can’t wait to be with you. Hope your day has been really warm and life-giving after holding the children so tenderly last night. Could you feel a difference in class? ——M——X
My busy day ends in a collapse on the sofa. Exhausted again. I have made a good start on The School Cafe food for tomorrow. The timings will be tight; unfortunately I am in the exam rooms before lunch and face a logistic complication. I shall ask my Good Sir to lend a hand. Speaking of whom, I haven’t heard from him today. He must be super-busy too.
P.m. Adrian: My Love, barely a moment to breathe——but doing well. Maybe a visit to see you if I’m feeling clear. Your help to process the day would be great. Pretty full and a bit of news. Just arrived at Course. See you when I come out. X
Mouse: Lovely, My Darling——felt there might be news. Wonder what? I would like to help process the day. Very tired now——having to get all the school lunches done tonight. Crazy day tomorrow. Love to see you if you are feeling clear. Hope the course goes well. Loving you——X
* * * * * * *
Later, Adrian: Mousey, Mouse——can I come to your windy house?
Mouse: Yes, Good Sir, but leave any extra wind behind——it’s breezy enough up here as it is! Where are you no
w?
Adrian: Down by the harbour on the other side of town. With you in 20. Slightly sore throat. Supergreens tomorrow. Had a collapse——three big biscuits and a few other things, so not on the healthy diet. Two life-shocks I could do with processing.
Adrian is really out of sorts when he walks through the door, more than usual. He can hardly look at me, let alone touch me. He says he doesn’t deserve me at the moment; that he is feeling too heavy, too unworthy. I wait. I know he will feel better soon. I am unperturbed and ask what would help. He is short with me: “just don’t give me any choices, please.” I take the matter in hand and put him to bed with a soothing foot massage and a warming cup of tea. He is troubled that he cannot get clear for us, for me, especially now. We snuggle for a while and then I leave him to sleep. I look at the clock——it is one-thirty in the morning. Where does the time go?
Chapter 4 Tell Tale
Friday 24th November 2006 {My Birthday}
Slipping into Adrian’s arms at four a.m I find that he is still unclear; still trying to work through a problem. He is thoughtful and remembers a “happy birthday” in my ear and a lovely kiss. “It’s the bow and arrow making at school that I organized,” he tells me. “I didn’t get permission first. In fact, I went behind Big J’s back. I wanted to do it my way and just pushed ahead. This is the last time I am going to do that.” He also had some problems earlier with Frances who told him she found him ‘flighty’. {I should have responded; “well, you are a Swallow, what else would you be?”} He asked her if Big J. had suspicions about us. “You are together, yes?” she had asked. “Well, sort of,” he had admitted. She then tried to give him advice that he didn’t want to hear. “How can I possibly explain to anyone how it is with us?” he asks. “It’s impossible.”
Apparently Big J. has raised the issue but hopes we are just good friends. So——more life-shocks to work through; this one is definitely bigger than the bow and arrow issue. “I still can’t answer the questions,” he says; “questions for myself about us.” My Birthday brings ambiguity and a continued hush. Our Boat lies in a rocking, becalmed state——again. The morning is a repetition of yesterday; time for a gentle kiss and a cuddle but then away to the duties of the day. A birthday phone call from England is a lovely surprise and I hurry the completion of the cafe lunches.
I receive a loving phone call from Adrian just before we depart for school. “Happy Birthday” is sung down the phone line and with excitement he announces; “I am making you a present!” I smile, imagining his boyish delight. “I shall hold you today, My Love,” he promises. This is such new territory for him; our deeply connected, true love is as unexpected as it is beautiful. “I cannot bear anything to sully its purity,” he whispers in my ear. I love him so much. This is all the birthday present I need. And yes, of course he will put out the lunch things at School before I arrive in a dash from College.
Late A.m. Mouse: Dearest lunchtime helper. The food is outside the library office——under the pink tablecloth. Hope to be there as soon as possible. Loving you——holding you. Your Lady in whatever way destiny intends——X
I spend the day in a constant rush. Luckily everything goes according to plan. The lunch numbers are down and I have an unexpected, extra trip to town to collect The Go-Getter from a friend. Goodness I am tired. The culmination of all the cooking, text writing, text logging, family duties and holding my Lord Swallow through troubled times leaves me completely pooped——a birthday collapse. Even The Laird is absent until much later on.
When The Laird and young master eventually return, it is with a carload of guests who need bed and board! The Mistress of the Castle pushes her special day aside and snaps to. A delightful Fijian family is duly established in the top cabin. They are relatives of the charming people with whom The Laird stayed on a recent voluntary service trip. His tales of the impoverished school that he helped restore with a group of College students, the hospitality and the community meals shared on the ground reminds me of the importance of repaying such generosity. Their three-year-old son is due to undergo heart surgery in Auckland and they have come to spend time with us. Unfortunately they are terrified of The Bog-Brush, so life is going to have some extra dramas. What charming, gentle people they are; tall, strong; big eaters! They make themselves at home in the same way they expect guests to behave in their own country.
P.m. Mouse: XXXxxxXXXxxx
Adrian: Ditto. Nearly home now. Good day——ended well. Longer text soon.
* * * * * * *
Later, Adrian: So, the boy’s energy has come back. He has faced another fear and opened himself to be deeper seen. More integrity. Frances warned him that Big J. was annoyed by stuff lying around and by other things——but our Bold Hero was barely shaken by this news. Conversation to take place tonight. He managed Class 4 fairly well——teaching them a new game——then arranged the display for his old class as Martha was away. Quite a job——for which Big J. praised him lavishly.
Mouse: So glad the strength is back. Just briefly——all are home. Little Mouse is in overdrive——loo cleaning, bed making, about to serve supper——The Laird has brought home a houseful of unexpected, Fijian guests! Just want to curl up in bed with my Adrian. Text later. Better dash——M——X
Eventually the long day ends and I climb into bed gratefully. I vow to bring more order into my life. I am aware of a rapid torrent that is hurtling us all downstream, around unseen corners and into the path of daunting obstacles.
Late p.m. Mouse: The night beckons at last——a long haul ending. A mixed day, just about held in check. A new year in her life begins. Chats to her family across oceans——a charming family with a delicate child installed in the guest wing——alpha males re-established with all their demands and dominance——and him, her Lover, her Lord Swallow——how is he? She thinks of him as he nears sleep; hopefully feeling more rested; more at peace. She sends him gentle kisses and swan-like muzzling.
Adrian: Not so sleepy! Report writing——actually, re-writing the first one. Still buzzing after conversation with Big J. and Frances. Much news to tell. Let me know if you are in a space to hear it. Need to be clear——big. Might need a conversation of our own. Feeling pretty good. Just getting tired now——X
Saturday 25th November 2006
Adrian sends me a poem this morning:
OH SOUL OF MINE
Oh soul of mine——thou has been massaged sore,
Pulled and twisted and asked to grow more, then still more.
The deep, inner work that has peeled back the layers,
And uncovered the shining love for self——
The strength of a dignified stayer——
You have now met the questioning gaze of your friends,
And stood your ground, listening without trying to defend.
You spoke of your truth——your questions and doubts——
And you spoke of our closeness; the work of The Angels about.
You mastered the fear and spoke clearly and true——
And thanked them both for their courage to speak with you.
You heard them say that others had asked——
“Is Adrian infatuated?”——I think members of cast.
And you listened while Big J. told of her fears of being implicated
If it all fell round our ears.
And she questioned you deep on how The Laird was true,
She spoke at length on what he might do——
He might say; “that’s it, I’m back to home,”
Leaving you and the children all on your own.
He might punch me right out, or collapse in a heap,
He was definitely prickly, the last time we did meet.
So, because of the potential fallout——she thinks it best if I move out.
If I had replied, “no, it is not an affair, but platonic alone”,
There were other issues she would let it be known——
About mess and clutter; a workshop required,<
br />
But not insurmountable problems, I could well have tried.
And so a caravan, down on the land,
Calls out and beckons——come live——come stand,
Midst green pastures, alone but near friends,
Cook your own meals and stews once again.
Let your soul breathe and live on the land,
Earth at your doorstep, nature on hand.
Calling I think——could be wrong,
Quiet exploration today——a song.
And how is my Lady? And how is her Laird?
Peace-talking connection or almost at swords?
Her birthday, uncelebrated in all the mad rush,
He feels for her, and sends her love with a brush
Of his lips on the back of her hand——
There are questions to answer, and decisions to stand.
P.s the loo calls loudly!
Mouse: Their Boat is anchored——an unexpected cove appearing quietly on this windless coastline. She can feel his relief at the sanctuary——at the potential new horizon, his desire for truth giving balm. So, as we suspected, the Angel aura about us has been noticed. She is surprised by her feelings. She loves to be seen with him by others. She feels strangely warmed that their two households are now in the picture. Surely she should be sensing guilt and shame? But no, on the contrary——in fact quite the opposite.
But he has serious questions; life questions, Earthly questions and we are on Earth after all. And her? What of the homecoming of her kind and forgiving Laird? Well, it is as if nothing difficult has happened at all. A new tenderness even——a sense of love and stability. She knows him well; he does not hold a grudge for long. He feels safe. So, gazing on him, Lord Swallow, this beautiful man asleep on the Boat’s deck, she blows him a kiss from the shore and wonders if she should, or should not, climb back on board after her stroll along the sands. She wonders——is it fair on him? Her Lovely Friend; she has little to offer—save the most exquisite love. X
The Celestial Sea Page 45
