“Sure, Joseph Smith was a man, and he had his faults—I’m sure he was the first to admit that—but I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God because I’ve felt it in my heart in a way that I can’t describe. I know it more than I know anything else in this world. And because I know he was a prophet, I know that this Church is true. And that knowledge is the most precious thing I possess. I have read the Book of Mormon, and I’ve had the same witness through the Holy Ghost that it’s true. It’s true—all of it! Living the gospel has brought a joy and meaning to my life that I never could have imagined.”
Alexis folded her arms across her chest as she listened to me.
I smiled at her. “The best part is that you can have this knowledge too if you really want it, Alexis. The invitation is open to everyone to find out for themselves; that’s the beauty of it! You don’t have to rely on what your brother says, or what I say, or what anyone else says, because if you really want to know, you can follow the steps and find out for yourself!” I felt the words flowing from my mouth without even realizing what I was saying, and I knew it was the Spirit, helping me tell Alexis what she needed to hear.
Her face softened a little, and I could tell that she was really listening, and more important, feeling what I was saying to her.
“She’s right, Lexi.” Courtney stood up and then moved to sit down next to her friend. She put her arm around Alexis. “I know the gospel is true too. I’ve felt it in my heart. I’m sorry I’ve been a bad example to you, and I hope you’ll forgive me. I had no idea you felt this way about our church, but I promise that what Eliza said is true.”
Courtney shrugged. “I’ve heard negative things about Joseph Smith before, and even about our prophet today, but I always get a confused, dark, sick feeling when I hear things like that. It’s totally opposite from the way I feel when I read the scriptures or hear someone’s testimony. At those times I feel warm, peaceful, and happy, and I just know that what I’m reading or hearing is true. It’s not easy to find your own testimony, but it’s so worth it!”
She looked down at the floor and continued, “I felt sick and empty inside when I agreed to have those guys over, and even worse when you brought those beers from your house and I took a few sips. The Holy Ghost kept warning me that I was making mistakes, but I chose to ignore those warnings because I wanted Nathan to like me—and I didn’t want you to make fun of me.” She looked guiltily at Alexis. “But now I wish I’d been a better example to you. Lexi, you are my best friend in the whole world! I want you to have the gospel in your life because I know it will bring you so much happiness, just like it has brought happiness to me when I’ve chosen to follow it.”
I was stunned to see tears slowly falling down Alexis’s face. Courtney also seemed surprised by her friend’s sudden display of emotion, and we all sat for a few moments in silence.
Alexis finally wiped at her tears and began quietly. “My mom used to take me to Primary when I was little, but then we just sort of stopped going. I think it was hard for her to go to church without my dad or brothers there, and she wanted Sundays to be a family day. I missed going to Primary, and I felt left out when all the other kids were doing Church activities and stuff.”
Courtney jumped up to get Alexis a tissue. She accepted it and dabbed at her eyes. I thought maybe she was done opening up about her past, but she twisted the tissue in her hands and continued speaking. “It seemed like everyone around us was Mormon, and it made me feel like there was something wrong with my family—like people judged us for not going to church. I guess I started feeling bitter, and I didn’t ever really think about whether or not the Church was true. It was easier to listen to my brother and accept what he said about it. But I think deep down my mom still believes it’s true. She tries to act like she’s moved on with that part of her life, but there are times when I catch her crying or with a certain expression in her eyes, and I think she’s never really stopped believing.” She looked at Courtney and then at me with tears in her eyes. “I want to know. I want to find out for myself if it’s true like you say it is. So what should I do?”
Courtney hugged her, and then I sat down beside her and hugged her too, and we all laughed behind our tears.
I grabbed the box of tissues and passed them around again. I sat back as I thought about her question. “Well, first I think we should get you a Book of Mormon to start reading. We have a few extras so that won’t be a problem, and we can mark some of our favorite passages and write our testimonies in it . . . if you want us to?”
She smiled and nodded.
I grinned. “Okay. Well then, if you want to, Courtney and I would love for you to come to church with us tomorrow. That way you can meet the missionaries and see if you feel comfortable having them teach you more about the gospel. They’ll be able to answer your questions better than we can, but we’ll be right beside you through all of it. Don’t ever hesitate to ask us anything either. We’ll do our best to answer any questions you might have.”
Alexis looked at the floor and seemed a bit nervous about my invitation, and I worried that maybe I was rushing things. I was about to apologize and explain that I hadn’t meant for her to feel pressured, when she unexpectedly raised her head and smiled.
“Okay. What time does your church start?” For the first time since I’d known her, Alexis looked sincerely happy. Courtney and I exchanged quick, relieved glances, and then Courtney went on to explain what time church was and what Alexis could expect there.
I was amazed at the change in the atmosphere in our home! When I’d first arrived, there had been a tangibly dark feeling, but now that darkness seemed completely dispelled and had been replaced with a beautiful, calm environment.
I told the girls I was going to the kitchen to get us a snack, and as I made my way there, I said a prayer of sincere gratitude to Heavenly Father. I’d had no idea where our conversation tonight was going to lead, and I shuddered to think of what might have happened if I hadn’t prayed for guidance and instead had continued to yell and scream. Undoubtedly, I would have only made Courtney and Alexis mad, and the real root of the problem would never have been addressed. Courtney would likely have continued being withdrawn and moody, and Alexis wouldn’t have had the opportunity to find out more about the gospel. It felt like a miracle.
As I gathered some cookies and a bag of potato chips, I debated whether or not to tell Mom and Dad about what happened when I called them tonight. After weighing the options, I decided it would be better to wait until they got home. Telling them now would only upset them and ruin their one night away. Besides, I would be home with Courtney and Alexis for the rest of the night to make sure there weren’t any more problems.
However, somehow I knew they’d both had a change of heart and, for now, the worst was over.
Chapter Twenty-Two
She hadn’t come.
I woke up Sunday morning, and it took me a few minutes to realize that Grandma hadn’t visited me the night before. At first I felt slightly panicked. Had I done something wrong? Had I not tried to live with as much integrity as I should have the day before? Deep down I knew that the answer to my questions was “no.” I knew that I’d tried my best to have integrity. In fact, of all the values so far, I felt like I’d applied this one more in one day than I had any of the others.
Why hadn’t she come? I lay in bed pondering, until I heard a soft knock on the door. There was only a moment’s pause before it opened and Courtney appeared.
“Liza, can I talk to you?” she asked timidly.
“Sure, what’s up?”
As I looked at her, it was plain to see that she was feeling humble and very, very nervous.
“Well, it’s about last night. How I took a few sips of beer, and how I broke the rules by letting boys in the house,” she began.
I nodded, but couldn’t stop the question from escaping my mouth. “Did you and Nathan, like . . . kiss or anything?”
She shook her head emphatically. “No,
we didn’t, but I was planning on it. He wants to go out with me, and he’s such a popular guy in school. And most people my age have already had their first kiss.” She brought herself up short from these rationalizations and looked at the floor. “But that’s not what I was going to say.”
I tried to hide my shock and disappointment at this confession from my thirteen-year-old sister, but she obviously had something else on her mind, so I forced myself to wait until I had heard everything.
“It . . . it’s just that our Beehive class is supposed to go to the temple to do baptisms for the dead this week—and I’m not sure if I’m still worthy to go.” Tears began to fall down her cheeks, and I quickly collected her in a hug.
“Courtney, I know this is going to sound scary, but I think the only thing that will make you feel better is if you talk to the bishop about it. I can’t tell you what he’ll say, but I know that he is a good man and he’s there to help us. If you want, I can go to the bishop’s office with you during church to help you make an appointment.”
She sniffed and nodded. “Thanks, that would help. But are you sure it’s serious enough that I need to tell the bishop about it?”
Courtney’s face was fearful and strained, and I wished I could give her an easy answer, but I knew I wasn’t the one who could properly judge in this situation.
“One of the questions we’re asked during a temple recommend interview is if we keep the Word of Wisdom. I’m not sure what the bishop will decide, but I promise that if you’re completely honest with him, he’ll help you in the repentance process so you won’t have that sick, guilty feeling anymore.” She nodded, and I smiled, giving her shoulders another squeeze. “I feel like I’m getting the old Courtney back. And I’m so proud of you! You’re doing the right thing. As you repent, you’ll be able to feel closer to the Savior and to feel His love for you. It won’t be easy, but it will be so worth it!”
A feeble smile crept across Courtney’s lips, and she nodded. “I know you’re right. Thanks for being so supportive.” Her smile grew even bigger. “Isn’t it exciting about Alexis? I hope she feels comfortable with us at church today.”
“Me too. Did she call and ask her mom if it was okay?”
“Yeah, she called this morning and said her mom sounded surprised, but didn’t seem to have a problem with it.”
“Cool!”
Courtney nodded and then jumped up. “We better hurry and get ready so we’re not late. It’s weird not having Mom here to rush us around like a bossy hen.”
I laughed as she closed the door, then got out of bed and headed for the shower.
• • •
My head was full of thoughts as I drove to school Thursday morning. I switched off the radio so I could sort through the tangled mess of ideas and emotions running through my mind.
I thought back to Sunday, still grateful for how well everything had worked out. Mom and Dad had taken the news about what happened with Courtney and Alexis surprisingly well. Mom said she knew something was wrong and felt guilty she hadn’t been there. I pointed out that if she’d been home we might never have realized how bad the situation had gotten. Courtney and Alexis would probably have made the mistakes somewhere else, and we might never have found out.
However, Courtney didn’t get off the hook without punishment. She was grounded for two months, with the exception that Alexis could still come over to our house. Mom and Dad also took away her cell phone indefinitely, which was the biggest blow to her, but I silently agreed with them for doing it. None of us had had any idea that Courtney was thinking about starting a relationship with Nathan.
I couldn’t help but smile when I thought of Nathan’s contrite face on Sunday. His mom had approached me in church and apologized profusely for what had happened. She seemed almost in a state of shock, and I did my best to reassure her, but I felt sorry for her all the same.
Fortunately, Courtney hardly seemed to acknowledge Nathan’s presence anymore. She and I had a heart-to-heart talk about boys and dating, and although I knew it wasn’t easy for her, she agreed with the things I said. She wanted to be a better example for Alexis, and she knew that the guidelines for dating in the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet were inspired by the prophet.
Courtney had been able to meet with Bishop Howard right after church. She’d told me that the appointment had gone really well, and she was grateful she’d gone. Although she didn’t give me all of the details, she said that the bishop had been loving and kind, and she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
Just by looking at the difference in her countenance, I knew that Courtney was experiencing a change of heart. I was so relieved to feel like I was getting my little sister back!
Alexis went to all three meetings, though she was a little shy and quiet. We introduced her to the missionaries before sacrament meeting, and she seemed genuinely excited to meet with them to find out more about the gospel. Her mom had agreed to let her take the discussions at our house. Her dad had also consented, but only after a great deal of begging from Alexis.
She had already met with the missionaries twice this week, and the Spirit had been strong each time. Alexis seemed completely receptive to the missionary’s teachings, and our entire family was excited by her progress. We were hopeful that when the time came, she would accept the invitation to be baptized and confirmed a member of the Church. This was the first experience I’d ever had with someone investigating our church, and it was inspiring to see the light and happiness apparent in Alexis’s face as she began to find her own testimony.
The whole episode with Courtney had shaken my parents though, because after taking her cell away, they’d decided that I needed to “check in” my phone at nine o’clock every night.
Even though they returned it to me in the morning, I knew that if my parents had tried to enforce that rule a couple of weeks ago, I would have resisted with a furious tantrum. However, Grandma’s visits had changed my heart on the subject. I knew they were just trying to protect Courtney and me from making bad choices, but since I’d already been turning off my phone at night, it wasn’t a hard transition. Besides, the only person I used to text or call at night was Jill, and she still wasn’t talking to me.
Jill.
I frowned as I tried to think of a way to mend our broken friendship. She hadn’t been at church on Sunday, and her mom said that she wasn’t feeling well again—which personally I found a little fishy. Jill hardly ever got sick . . . at least she never used to. It seemed like one more way she had changed, and I missed her terribly. There were so many things I wanted to talk to her about, so much going on in my life that I wanted to share with her.
For example, tryouts for Sound Harmony had been yesterday, and the results would be posted after school today.
Plus, Jason had left yesterday for the state soccer tournament in Southern Utah. The big game was today, and I wished I could be there, but between work and the tryouts, it hadn’t been possible. I’d wished him luck before he left, and he sent me texts throughout the day, which made me feel better—until he told me that he and Luke were roommates.
Luke hadn’t looked at or spoken to me since the night I’d fled the balcony. I had intended to walk with him after seminary and apologize for everything, but now every time the bell rang, he was the first one out of class. His obvious avoidance hurt more than I dared to admit. Each time I felt the pain in my heart from missing him, I berated myself for having ever entertained a hope that he could actually like me. He had only tried to be my friend, nothing more, and yet I ached for him constantly.
In quiet moments, I would replay over and over in my mind our last conversation together, only I changed the ending. Instead of running off, I sat down and listened intently while he confessed that he secretly had a crush on me and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend.
I’d stay in this daydream until it hurt too much, and then I’d force myself to face the reality that he’d probably never speak to me again.
/>
I shook my head angrily as I got out of my car and headed toward school. Something else was bothering me, too. It had been five nights since Grandma’s last visit.
After the first night of her absence, I’d thought for sure she would come the next night, but again, I’d woken up disappointed. By now I was beginning to wonder if she was coming back at all. I’d never really had a chance to say good-bye, and already it felt like the dreams had been a figment of my imagination. I had to keep opening my nightstand drawer and looking at the value keepsakes to convince myself that I hadn’t made it all up.
The truth was, I missed Grandma, and more than that, I felt like I needed her. Without the lessons and objects she gave me to carry in my pocket, I felt lost and alone.
As my mind whirled with these thoughts, I entered the school doors and headed for my first class.
• • •
Jason had promised to call or text as soon as the game was over, so I was surprised when I heard someone yell from down the hall: “Hey everybody, we won! We took state!”
An eruption of cheers followed the announcement, and I smiled as I joined in the excited clamor. Surely Jason would text me any second with the good news. I was so excited for him, Luke, and our school!
I put some books away in my locker and closed the door, a little disappointed that I hadn’t received a note today. I knew it was silly to have expected one while Jason was gone, but it had been a busy week for him, and he hadn’t left me a note since last week. I hadn’t realized how much I’d looked forward to those little pieces of paper until they stopped coming.
“There you are!” Keira’s pixie-like face beamed at me from the side of my locker. “What are you doing standing here? Aren’t you dying to find out about tryouts?”
Once again I was grateful that I’d followed the prompting to talk to Keira. She had been a source of strength and support to me since my fight with Jill. I was beginning to realize that while I thought I’d received the prompting so I could help her, in reality, she was helping me every bit as much.
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