Instead I held onto vague memories of the music my aunt played for me in New Orleans. I could no longer quite remember any particular songs, but I could remember the way the music made me feel. It was nothing like the sounds I was hearing now.
I wrapped my shawl tightly around me as I stepped through the extra-large doorway and into the crowded ballroom.
With each step I scanned the room carefully, looking for the best path to the back corner. If I played my cards right I could spend the first portion of the evening alone and as far from the music as possible.
“Rachel.”
I winced before turning around. Gardenia stood with her arms folded.
“Good evening.” I bowed slightly to Caspian’s sister.
“Oh.” She let her eyes slide over me. “You changed your dress, didn’t you?”
“Not much. I love your dress.” I tried to take the pressure off me, even though love wasn’t the right word for how I felt about the plunging neckline of the gold dress she wore. She had far more on display than I’d ever feel comfortable with, but she wore it with a confidence I’d also never have.
“Is it so hard to try to do what’s asked of you?”
I winced at her angry tone. “I’m here. I dressed up.”
“And you were trying to slink away and hide.” She nodded toward the corner where I’d been headed.
“I didn’t want to be in the way.”
“My brother deserves better than this.” Her violet eyes were icy.
I said nothing. She was right, but I couldn’t say it out loud.
“What? Nothing? You’re not going to try to make excuses? Blame our talented musicians? Blame it on difficulty sleeping?”
“Your brother deserves anyone he desires.”
“Whether you like it or not, it’s you.” She clasped her hands together in front of her.
I bit back my response. There was nothing I could say. Until recently I’d been thrilled at the prospect of spending my life as Caspian’s life mate, but something had changed in me, and Gardenia knew me well enough to notice.
“I could help you. I know how to fix everything.” Her eyes weren’t quite so icy, but the friendliness that used to lie behind them wasn’t exactly back. I’d made a mistake letting my guard down around her.
“I am fine. I don’t need anything.” I steeled myself. “But I appreciate your offer of help.”
“Don’t ruin tonight for him.”
“As I said, I’m trying to stay out of the way. I’d think you’d prefer that.”
“Why would I prefer it? You were the one chosen by my brother. It’s over. Push those useless dreams out of your head.”
“It’s always nice to see you, Gardenia.” I turned before it became entirely obvious how easily she could hurt me.
She put a hand on my shoulder. “You can’t run away from this. You need to march over to the dais and greet Caspian in the traditional manner.”
“Even if I’m dressed so inappropriately as you suggest?”
“I never said it was inappropriate.” She pursed her lips. “But I like it better the other way.” She yanked at my shawl, pulling it from me.
I reached for it, but her grip was twice as strong as mine. “That’s better. Nearly acceptable. Everyone knows you’re from off-planet. Maybe they’ll forgive you.”
“You want your brother to end up with someone else.” There was no way she could deny it. I’d always known it, even if she’d hidden it well for years.
“What I want has nothing to do with this. It is his choice.”
“I might have an idea.” It could also be a huge risk, but I was feeling daring.
“An idea?”
“You want to get rid of me.” I just laid it out there.
“Don’t make this about me. Or you. I have nothing against you.”
“But you want me far away from your brother.” I glanced over my shoulder to make sure no one was listening.
“That would break his heart. It can’t happen.”
“You could help me leave with the next batch of Explorers. I’d be out of your hair forever.”
“And my brother would hate me for life.”
“But I’d be gone.” I bit my lip. “By the time I come back you could find him someone else.”
“I should have you imprisoned for even suggesting it.”
“Then what’s stopping you?” I was pushing my luck. As Alda said, I was going to get myself in trouble.
“My brother’s heart.” She grabbed both of my hands while still holding onto my shawl. “In life we accept the lot we are given. I accept you as his life mate. You need to accept it too.”
“I accept it.” I was done arguing with her.
“Then go.” She released my hands and spun me so I was facing the dais. “And smile. Remember all Caspian has done for you.”
Making a scene wouldn’t help my cause. I started over toward the dais.
“Hello, girlie.” A low scratchy voice came from right behind me.
I turned, coming face to face with a man I’d never seen before. He wasn’t Lexa. His red eyes and cracked skin set him apart, and I’d never met anyone who’d looked like him before. But looks were only skin deep. Just because his eyes frightened me didn’t mean I shouldn’t be polite. “Hello. How are you this evening?”
“Better than you will be soon.”
“Excuse me?” I tensed.
“Better than I was.” He quickly walked away, disappearing into the crowd.
I stood there frozen for a moment, trying to figure out if I’d heard him right the first time. I glanced toward the dais and met Caspian’s gaze. I forced a smile and headed in his direction. When I reached the stairs I bowed, playing along with traditions I didn’t really believe in.
He walked down the stairs and took my hand. “You look beautiful.” He ran his hands through my hair. “I almost don’t mind that you had Alda alter the dress.”
“It’s still revealing.”
“It’s beautiful. Why you want to hide your body so much is beyond me. With how beautiful you are…”
“You look handsome too.” I ran my hand down the front of his tunic. “Although noticeably not revealing.”
“No one wants the men to dress that way.”
“Of course not.”
“I’d be happy to change into something more revealing after the ceremony if you’d like.” He winked.
“That won’t be necessary.” I forced a smile. “Don’t you need to return to the dais?”
“You mean, don’t we?”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“There is a seat waiting for you.”
“But I’m not part of your family. Why would I sit up there?” Dread built up in the pit of my stomach.
“Because of who you are to me.” He took my hand, and in a blur he led me up the narrow staircase.
I snapped out of my daze long enough to bow before his father and mother. Gardenia was still mingling in the crowd. “Good evening.”
“It is a good evening.” Caspian’s father—our Emperor— responded.
I nodded and looked for an empty seat.
Caspian released my hand as he returned down the stairs to greet more guests. I was alone on the dais with his parents.
“I saw you trying to hide earlier.” The Emperor’s eyes met mine. “Were you trying to duck out of your duties?”
“No. I was trying to stay out of the way.” I bowed my head down as an excuse to avoid further eye contact.
“Your job is to be in the middle of things. Especially now.” He tapped his foot. “It is bad enough Caspian is taking his advancement without an heir on the way. Do you wish to make things worse?”
An heir on the way? Even Caspian didn’t talk about those things. I was frozen. I had no idea what to say. Caspian’s mother sat silently, barely glancing in my direction.
Caspian finally returned to the dais, taking the seat beside me.
“I was reminding Rac
hel we are all waiting for an heir.” The Emperor used the word again.
“All in good time, Father.” Caspian linked his hand with mine.
“Yes. All in good time.” The Emperor’s eyes twinkled, and warning bells went off. He was happy, which was likely bad news for me.
I sat up as straight as I could and looked out into the crowd. I recognized some of the faces, but others were unknown. An advancement gala brought in visitors from all over the other galaxies. One such unfamiliar face was staring at me. The frightening man from earlier. His red eyes met mine, and his thin lips twisted into a smile. A shudder ran through me. I looked away.
The Emperor started the ceremony. Caspian rose and met his father in the center of the stage. He bowed his head as his father chanted a few lines. Caspian repeated the lines. The musicians played a short piece; the crowd cheered. And that was it. Caspian had been advanced to heir to the Emperor. He was considered ready to take over as soon as his father abdicated. The ceremony was more symbolic than anything. There was no question who was taking over the reins next.
I waited for a signal that it was time to leave. It was strange watching the ceremony from the dais. I felt like a fraud sitting where I didn’t belong.
“If I can have your attention for a few moments longer,” Caspian addressed the crowd. “Rachel?” He turned toward me and held out his hand. “Would you please join me?”
My chest clenched. What was going on? The ceremony was over.
He stepped closer and took my hand. His eyes locked on mine, and I knew I had no choice but to get up and follow him.
He led us back to the same spot he’d just been standing with his father. He pulled an unassuming gold chain from his pocket. It was tiny, and when you looked closely you could see iridescent specks of jewels. I knew exactly what that chain was made of. I closed my eyes. Maybe this was all a dream. Maybe it would all go away.
“Rachel?”
I opened my eyes, and he was now holding a golden medallion—one that perfectly matched the ring he wore and represented the royal family. He slipped it onto the chain. “And so the circle continues forever.” He held the chain out toward me.
I didn’t bend my head. I didn’t say a word. I stood there in a state of shock as he put the golden chain around my neck and clasped it.
“And so the circle continues forever.” The crowd repeated his words as the necklace settled around my neck. It was light as a feather yet felt like a thousand pounds.
“Rachel.” Caspian’s voice was soft, but it managed to pull my attention.
“Yes?” I looked into his eyes. They were full of excitement and happiness like I’d never seen. The grey was bright with what looked like tiny diamonds floating around.
“Are you all right? You haven’t said anything.” He led me off to the side and down the back stairs of the dais.
“Oh.” I struggled to come up with something to say. How could I tell him that his happiness was my sorrow? That I hadn’t wanted this. That I was angry he’d surprised me in front of everyone. My throat felt tight and dry. It hurt to swallow.
“I think she’s in shock.” Gardenia’s arm wrapped around my waist. “We’ll be back.”
“The good kind of shock?” Caspian cupped my cheek with his hand. “Right? The best kind of shock?”
“Of course it’s the good kind.” Gardenia tugged me away. “She’ll be fine after we splash some water on her face.”
“Get me if she needs me,” Caspian called after.
“Don’t worry. We won’t be long.”
Gardenia led me up a flight of stairs, and down the corridor that led to her room. If I’d been thinking straight I’d have probably insisted we go to my room instead, but Gardenia had been right about one thing, I was in shock.
She opened the door to her room, and I slumped to the floor.
She closed the door. “You could lie down on my bed.”
“I’m fine here.” I didn’t really care where I was. I didn’t care about much of anything. Any chance of joining the Explorers was now gone. The necklace hanging around my neck would see to that.
“Looks like you won’t be going anywhere.” Gardenia sat down beside me. “You should be happy. That chain and medallion. Any other woman would die for it.” I said nothing. What could I possibly say?
“He loves you,” she continued despite my silence. “That is such a rarity these days. You should be grateful.”
Grateful. I’d been told that day after day. I should have been grateful Telton took me away from certain death before Earth was destroyed. I should be grateful the royal family took me in. At what point does gratefulness turn into something else?
“Take this.” Glenda held out a colored capsule. “It will make everything ok.”
“I don’t take modifiers. You know that.”
“You should make an exception tonight. You’re going to have to go back into that ballroom with a smile on your face. This is supposed to be a happy occasion for you.”
“It is.”
“It can be if you’d take this.” She held out the capsule again.
I shook my head. “I don’t want to fake my feelings.”
“It’s not faking your feelings, it’s pulling out the ones you want. I live on these things. So do most of us.”
I didn’t want to take it. I’d made it years without taking one, but Gardenia had a point. I couldn’t return to the ballroom like this. Not only would I infuriate the Emperor, I’d humiliate Caspian, and possibly hurt him beyond repair. “Fine. Just this once.”
She handed me the capsule. I stared at the bright pink and purple capsule in my hand. “How long does this one last?”
“For me at least six hours. For you it might be different. If you’d let me study you more I’d understand how you metabolize things.”
“Being a lab rat isn’t high on my priority list.”
“You wouldn’t be a lab rat. You’d be adding to the development of scientific knowledge.” She pulled another capsule out of her pocket. This one was pink and green.
“Why does yours have green on it?”
“It’s a higher dosage.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t read into it.” She put the capsule on her tongue. It dissolved in seconds.
“Maybe I don’t belong here.” I flipped the capsule around in the palm of my hand.
“A little bit too late to question that.” Her face had a new glow to it. The modifiers worked instantly.
“Did you know?” I slid my legs down in front of me. “Did you know he was going to do it tonight?”
“Of course I did. The whole family knew.”
“And you didn’t tell me.” Not that I was surprised. Gardenia would always put her family first.
“Caspian wanted it to be a surprise.”
“It was definitely a surprise.” One I’d never quite recover from. I picked up the chain and looked at the medallion. It was his medallion. Not mine. I shouldn’t have been wearing it.
“Take the modifier. You’ll feel so much better.”
“How do you know?” I moved up onto my knees. “As you said I’m from off-planet.”
She paled ever so slightly, but then the change was gone. “We’ve used them successfully on individuals from many different planets. Your makeup isn’t all that different from ours. I mean considering we’re close enough to procreate, the modifier should work.”
“How do you know we can procreate?” It was easier to ask Gardenia than anyone else.
“We know. Our reproductive anatomy is nearly identical.”
“But does that mean it would be successful? Your father is concerned about an heir, but has he considered that may not work if Caspian is with me?”
“Do you think he’d take that chance?”
“What aren’t you saying?” I was too overwhelmed to work on pulling information from her.
“That you wouldn’t be the first. And that’s all I can say. Take the capsule.”
“Who? When did it happen?”
“I just told you I can’t say.” She sat up on her knees. “Why are you fighting this so hard? You love my brother. He can give you everything.”
“Except a real life.” I was being far too forward with Gardenia, but I found I didn’t care.
“What more do you want?” Her voice was calm. The modifier was doing its job. Nothing bothered her.
“A chance to be outside. To see something outside the palace walls.”
“I’m a Lexa, yet how often am I outside?”
“And you’re happy that way?” I asked knowing full well it would be the modifier answering.
“Of course.” She smiled. “We need to get back to the ballroom.”
I eyed the capsule. There was no other way I was getting through the evening. “I can’t skip out on the rest, can I?”
Gardenia laughed. “I hope that’s a joke.”
“It is.” I put the capsule on my tongue and let the good feelings take over.
3 Rachel
“I still remember the moment I first set eyes on you.” Caspian wrapped his arms around me from behind as we watched the two moons trade places in the late-night sky. “You were so small, yet so beautiful. Your eyes were full of fear yet wonder.”
“I only have vague memories of that day.” New memories were starting to appear though. One involving me screaming someone’s name. I needed to remember.
“I remember it so well. Telton brought you in asking my father for permission to raise you as his daughter. He’d been terrified. I’d felt his fear.”
“Because if your father said no, I’d have been killed, right?” The modifier was still working its magic, allowing me to talk about things I normally couldn’t.
“No. You would have been sent to the orphanage. He would never have a child killed.”
Even with the modifier something about Caspian’s words didn’t ring quite true. But I didn’t say anything. What was the point?
“But I walked in and saw you. And that was it. I said loud and clear I wanted you to stay in the palace.” He tightened his arms around me. “Can you imagine that? I was only eight, yet I was telling my father, the Emperor, how to run things.”
Stardust: Half Light Page 2
