by Ace Gray
"What is it? And don't even try and tell me nothing." It was probably the harshest I’d ever been with him.
"Can it wait until after?" His voice was a little shaky.
"No." I wasn't bending on this. If nothing else, I needed to start my heartbeats again, however crazy they might get. “Is Nick okay?”
"He's not physically hurt if that's what you're asking." Jaime’s voice trembled.
Fuck.
Something horrible had happened. Whatever my heart and stomach had been trying to warn me about was real. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel my fingertips. I sure as hell couldn’t give the speech. I needed to be with Nick regardless of where the hell he was and what the hell had happened.
My name rang expectantly over the speaker system again, sending a wild jolt of electricity through me.
“Brennan,” I said sharply as I turned wildly from Jaime.
Brennan hurried over. Everyone that had been standing with him saw whatever tortured look crossed my face and quickly followed.
“I can’t do it. You have to give the speech, and the specs.”
“Kate you have to…” Callista was starting in.
I didn’t let her finish, no words could stop me anyway, I just turned and blindly barreled toward a door. Any door. Anything that would get me closer to Nick.
23.
I busted through a side door and into a long, fluorescent-lit hallway. It seemed to tunnel away from me infinitely, narrowing to the size of a pinprick. I forced my legs to move faster across the linoleum. I probably looked like a wounded animal, desperate for somewhere safe to hide.
Nicholas Bryant was my somewhere.
“Kate." Jaime’s voice was soft when he grabbed me. I hadn’t noticed he’d caught up and my saucer-sized eyes told him as much. He only held me for a moment as he pointed toward a stairwell at the side of the hallway.
"Wait. What is going on?" Laura’s voice came from somewhere behind me, whomping in and out between heart thuds.
"I don't know, I don't care. I just need to be with him."
I stumbled off in the direction Jaime had pointed, my hand bracing against the wall, my movements becoming much more labored under the strain of my heart. Despite my internal meltdown, I somehow made out Jaime’s whisper to Laura low behind me.
Laura gasped and I froze.
No. No please, no.
My heart was the only noise in the corridor, and since it was going to plow right out of my chest, everyone could actually hear it. Laura and Gemma watched me, tears already pricking at the corners of their eyes.
Oh God, oh God, oh God. No!
My insides shredded, my heart was a lost cause. I couldn’t force myself to face the words Jaime had spoken. All I could think of was Nick. Of needing to hold him. My temper bubbled up, but I couldn’t lose it; all my anger was directed solely at me.
I should be there.
It took all the strength I had to shove open the stairwell door. My wobbly legs started careening down the concrete steps. Footfall after footfall echoed in the corridor, they sounded like landlines to me.
"Kate!" Jaime shouted after me and his footfalls picked up. "Kate! Please stop."
My knees buckled and I crashed into the wall. It barely held me up.
"Tell me that it's not true. Tell me you lied to Laura." My heart thundered and I automatically clenched at it. “Tell me it was one big fucking joke, Jaime." A sob choked my voice. Jaime's shoulders slumped and he looked down at his shoes. "Tell me it’s a joke!” I screamed as I looked to Laura, shaking her head silently behind him, tears now rolling unabashedly down her face. "Please." My tears broke through. "Please, please, please, God. Tell me there was some mistake. Tell me it's not true…" Between my heart screeching in my chest, and the sobs wracking the rest of my body, I couldn’t hold myself up anymore.
Laura reached around me just in time to keep me from plummeting to the floor.
"Julia succumbed to her injuries at 3:47 p.m. this afternoon at Norwalk Hospital." Jaime could barely speak.
Gemma wove her arms around his slouched figure and Laura squeezed me all the tighter. Tears cascaded down my face, tears I didn’t know had started.
“How?" My voice didn’t sound like mine.
"Francis was taken into custody at the hospital." It was explanation enough.
Violent sobs shook my body. I quaked against Laura’s arms, only turning so I could burry my face in her shoulder. I’d cried many times on this shoulder but it wasn’t the one that felt like home anymore.
Nick.
I had to get to him. Now. I straightened my shoulders and tried to wipe the tears from my eyes. They wouldn't stop.
"Why wasn't I told earlier?"
“The launch.”
“Did Nick tell you to keep this from me?” I couldn't help the little bit of anger that flared in my voice.
“He’s not exactly giving orders at present.”
I swallowed my tongue and my temper. "How do I get to him? I want him now.” I started moving again, bursting through another door and out onto the dark street.
"Colton is coming with the car." Jaime was doing his best to stay in control of the situation.
"I'll be damned if I'm sitting in the back of that fucking Bentley all the way to New Canaan. I'm driving."
"Kate, I have to insist. Christopher…" Jaime stopped short as I wheeled on him.
My insides eviscerated further at the mention of Christopher. I hadn’t know there was anything left to destroy.
"Jaime, I’ll wait for that damned car but you will take me to mine. I will drive. Right in front of you if need be. I will not sit idly by and play with my BlackBerry or chew on my fingernails waiting to get there.”
I’d bury myself in guilt if left to my own devices.
"Please listen to her Jaime. She’s not going to let this one go.” Thank God Laura jumped to my defense. She probably saw the panic shimmer in my eyes. “Seriously, just let her drive." Something in Laura's voice or my face convinced him.
I clutched my heart as my vision blurred with the waterworks. The thudding hadn’t really lessened nor had I opened my clawed hand as I gunned out of my parking garage. I vaguely remembered Laura depositing herself in the passenger seat, Jaime insisting on being in back. Gemma and Colton stayed in the fancy black car behind us.
City traffic came alive, a monstrous villain actively working against me. It took so damned long to get out of midtown that I actually shrieked when I came to a dead stop just before Yonkers.
"Calm down,” Laura murmured from the passenger seat. "I know this is miserable but it won't do any good if you literally kill yourself trying to get there."
I shot her daggers but she was right. I tried to imagine Nick to help my heart mellow. I could only picture him battered and broken which hurt even worse. I turned on the radio and started flicking through channels so furiously that my knuckles went white. Other than the occasional groan, Laura let me flip through the stations until my fingers hurt and I shut the thing off all together.
Once I made it to the Hutchinson River Parkway, I was able to floor it. Colton behind me wouldn't be pleased with my pace but I didn't care. I'd pay whatever speeding ticket, I'd deal with whatever consequences, I just needed to get to Nick. When I pulled off Connecticut 15, I realized I had no idea where I was going. I knew Julia lived in New Canaan and that was it.
Had lived.
I choked on a giant sob as I pulled over.
"What are you doing?" Laura broke the tense silence.
"I don't know where we're going." My hands clutched the wheel, making even my forearms taut. My heart hurt worse knowing I was near. I was going to see him—soon—and my very soul was going to break the second I did.
“Jaime?” she asked but I talked right over top of her.
“What am I going to do? What am I going to say?"
"What do you mean?" Laura’s voice was soft and gentle.
“Kate?” Jaime’s was too.
"I don't do this well. Grief." I took a deep breath. "Matter of fact, I don't do it at all. I turn into a train wreck. A zombie. I curl into a ball and I count dots on ceilings. I don't eat and I drink asinine amounts of scotch. I have no coping mechanisms. I can't help him. What was I thinking driving up here?"
I was hyperventilating and only pried my fingers from the steering wheel to dig into my chest, I didn't even notice the Bentley pull up behind us. My heart was running ragged, beats sounding in my ears and thumping in my fingertips. My tears dripped in well-worn salty trails down my cheeks.
"Hey, hey, hey.” Laura reached over the console and hugged me awkwardly. “There's no right way to grieve. There’s no right way to comfort him either. Just go to him. Sometimes you just need the feel of someone familiar in the room."
Colton’s knuckles wrapped on the window and Laura reached across me to roll it down and explain. He reached in and silently rubbed my shoulder above Laura’s grip before turning back to the Bentley.
The black car idled for a moment and then pulled out, leading down the main road then onto a paved and tree lined lane. Darkness completely blanketed the world around us. I was having a hard time focusing on fuzzy taillights; the whitewashed wood slat fence peeking into my headlights on either side of the road kept drawing my attention. As did the sheer terror clobbering my chest.
We turned and I realized the winding country lane was actually an estate drive that wound up a small hill to the outline of a massive, regal home. Only one light shone in the house.
Without being told, I knew we’d arrived; the very bricks of the home looked like they were mourning. And I could finally feel Nick.
I wasn’t thinking anymore when I slammed into park and bolted up the marbled steps. I barely noticed that Laura had to shut off the engine behind me or that Terrence opened the front door in front of me until he murmured, "Most likely study. Down the hall, last door on the right."
He pointed and I took off running. My skin goose bumped when I threw open the last door.
Nick was there just as Terrence had predicted. He was sitting in the dark, his head in his hands. His jacket was flung over the seat and his tie hung untied between his knees. His vest still covered his broad back and judging by the tremble of his ribs beneath the silk backing, he was crying.
“Baby,” I breathed as I shut the door behind me.
He looked up, searching for me in the dark. The way his face contorted in the pale moonlight was heartbreaking. His eyes were an inconsolable matte I’d never seen before. Tear stains streaked across his skin. A bottle of scotch lay between his feet. There was no glass in sight.
I shrugged out of my jacket, pushed the bottle to the side with my toes, and crumbled between his knees. He still hadn't said anything but he watched me like a hawk. I let my hands come to a resting spot on his thighs. When I touched him, he closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath.
His brow crinkled making his face look both relieved and despairing. Words failed me. Everything sounded so wrong and got stuck like bubble gum in my mouth. It was all so stupid and insignificant. What had Laura said to me when my parents died? What had Nick said to me when Trevor died? I couldn't remember.
“Nick." A sob choked off my voice. "Baby, I love you so much."
The declaration just slipped out but I meant it with every fiber of my being. His face got more intense just before he melted off his seat and onto the floor with me. The leather chair he'd been sitting on tipped backwards and clattered to the floor. I would have stopped it but I was too preoccupied trying to slow his tumble.
He leaned his forehead to mine and his body trembled at my touch.
"Kate." My name was long and drunkenly slurred. "My Sweetssss. You should leave." His tears were falling faster. "You'll get hurt…"
Shit, we’re back here.
"I'm not going anywhere, Nick. I love you."
I tried to gather his muscly frame into my arms the way he always did for me. It didn't quite work but at least I got my arms wrapped around him tightly. He shifted so his head rested on my chest. We sat like that until his tears had soaked warm and wet through my shirt. The door creaked open once and I guessed Laura was checking on us. I couldn't see from my seat and I wouldn't have taken my attention from Nick anyway.
Every so often I kissed the top of his head where I could reach. Then the skin of his forehead again while I traced circles on his arm. Finally, he responded to my lips, twisting so his could meet them. His arms wrapped around me and used my long locks to pull me down to him.
I kissed him desperately but he wanted more. He bit harder on my lips and curled his fingers further into my hair. He drunkenly sprawled on the floor before pulling my body over top of his. I straddled his chest to kiss the small bit of skin that peeked through his shirt buttons.
He hadn't said anything but he didn't have to. This was how we communicated best and now he just needed to lose himself in my flesh. I kept kissing his chest as I undid the buttons of his shirt. He let me move lower and lower, his arms resting on my shoulders. Once I reached his belt, his hands tightened and he pulled me back to his lips. I let him pull me up so his tongue could explore my mouth.
These kisses were different. Rough, harsh, but he’d linger too. His hands would claw at me and then fall away completely. Like he desperately needed me but also wanted to stop. It reminded me of the conflicted sex we’d had just before he tried to leave me. The difference was that this time I understood and wouldn’t let him follow through even if it killed me.
Then he did push me away, but just for a moment. After only a few deep breaths, he grabbed me and pulled me back. Once I was against him, he scrambled to pull my shirt from my body then balled it up to throw it. The skin to skin contact made my body tingle. He grabbed my face and held it in place, taking my lips violently.
I yelped but he wasn’t paying attention. There was no pause, no studying of my face or even my heart. For the first time, the roughness was a little overwhelming, but I could tell it came from Nick being overwhelmed himself. I tried to pull away but he wouldn’t let me. I shifted enough that I felt his tears still flowing, now warm on both our cheeks. That was all the incentive I needed to melt back into him and roll with it.
His hands wandered across my skin. Then they’d stop and circle or claw. I softened at each light touch and winced at each scratch. My body was as confused as he was when eventually he fumbled with the zipper at my hip and then let his hands skate up my body. He was more reverential with my skin than ever before but then he painfully wrenched my breasts up out of my lace bra.
"Take your pants off," he growled at me.
Just be there for him.
I sat up and peeled the fabric off as gracefully as possible. He fidgeted with his belt and pants, barely opening his fly, then pulled me down swiftly onto his erection. I shouted and he arched his head back into the carpet, his mouth opening like he was going to groan. He didn’t though, he stayed silent as he encouraged me up and down.
Nick’s hands moved between my hips and my chest. Yanking and pulling first, then moving gently. The fine fabric of his pants kept rubbing against me and the longer he held me, trapped upright, the more the fine wool burned rather than tickled. The bra that had been gracelessly shoved beneath my breasts wasn't feeling pleasurable anymore either.
His frustrated grunt said he wasn't building beneath me. His hands kept curling tighter into my hips, but nothing was coming from it. Nothing like usual. I decided to take control. I pushed his hands away and laid back along his chest. I kissed his lips and neck and chest with lingering sweet kisses.
Nick was trying to push me back upright but I wrestled for his wrists. I kissed slowly along my trail again, this time with more feeling. I reached up and undid my bra, then draped myself silently on his chest. We had both stopped moving, he was simply parked inside me.
I kissed his jaw.
"I love you," I murmured.
He closed his eyes.
"I lo
ve you so much, Nicholas Bryant."
He wrapped his arms tightly around me, and we laid in silence, any kind of sex unfinished, and all our feelings unresolved. It wasn't until I shivered that he shifted, just enough to grab his suit jacket and throw it over me. His chest barely expanded underneath me, his heart beat a slow, sad rhythm, and all I could do was listen ever so closely.
24.
I woke up on the floor of Julia's study. I was wrapped in the suit jacket and Nick’s arms but neither stopped me from being cold. Or heartbroken. I stirred ever so slightly and he pulled me in closer. I looked up the at scruff and sadness hanging on his face and got the feeling he hadn't slept at all.
"Baby," I whispered from my spot on his chest.
I was still lost for words; this wasn't as easy as Laura made it out to be.
"You should leave me." His voice came out gravelly and harsh. Had it been a few months ago, had I not understood him, I would have been hurt.
"Never." My answer was as simple as my feelings.
Not even on your life Nick.
"Bad things happen to the people I love.” He choked on the sentence and started tearing up.
“No, Nick. Bad things happen period. End of story. They happen to you, and to me, and to a billion other people just because. It sucks and it's shitty and life gets really, really fucking hard because of it, but it isn't your fault. I'm never leaving you. Ever. Not even if this was your fault. Not even if you were some talisman for bad luck. The good far outweighs the bad. I love you."
His hands gripped into me, tightly. He was beside himself and I didn't blame him.
“I should have known. I should have seen this coming. I should have been with her. I…I…" He couldn't catch his breath.
“Oh, baby.” Water pooled in the corners of my eyes again. “You know as well as I do that you had no say in it."
"I should have been more forceful. I used to be. Getting soft cost my mother her life.” He started chewing on his lip.
“You’re not getting soft. You’re learning how to really live and love and sometimes that means letting go. I know it’s hard and scary but it’s worth it. Your mom thought so too.”
