by Ace Gray
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe.
Nick. Nick. Nick.
With every one of my last haggard heartbeats, that’s what I was going to think. My knees quaked and my fingers went numb, my toes too. When my limbs went dead, I crumpled the rest of the way to the stairs where I was already limp beneath Christopher.
That crumble was my saving grace. Mostly because it turned from a collapse into a head over heels tumble down the staircase; something Christopher hadn’t expected. My vision tunneled as I careened down the wooden slats and away from him.
I still couldn’t hear Jaime. Matter of fact, I couldn’t hear much of anything anymore. Just a constant, high-pitched ringing punctuating the thump, thump, thump in my chest. My legs weren’t working right but I was still somehow moving forward. Well, maybe forward, directions didn’t make sense anymore. Away from Christopher would have to suffice.
His hands came back to me and I shoved with all my might. The new wave of momentum sent my body tumbling, rag doll-like down the last few stairs and onto the living room floor. My cheek came to rest against the wood floor and I focused on the windows where I’d first gotten to have Nick. I couldn’t move. My vision blurred then started to fade to black as I focused on the glass.
Nick, I love you.
Whether I said the words out loud or not, I don’t know. All I know is I felt Christopher’s hand on my ankle, pulling me toward the couch. My body stuck slightly as it slid across the floor. Only small flashes of furniture passed in front of me.
Right before everything went black, I thought I saw shiny dress shoes shuffle in front of my face. I couldn’t be sure though because at that moment my heart gave one, loud, deafening thud before stopping all together.
Nicholas Bryant…
28.
A familiar slow, methodical, and mechanical beeping brought me around. Just like last time, it was piercing through a deep and dreamless blackness.
"God damn it."
"Kate?" I knew that voice. I loved that voice.
“Laur, I'm in the hospital again aren't I?" I asked without opening my eyes and, this time, my voice sounded like my own.
“Yup.” She emphasized the U making the word five syllables long.
"Is he here?"
"No honey, he still isn’t answering the phone. Colton tried to tell him but…”
“But what?”
I heard the beeping pick up pace but my heart didn’t thunder like before.
“But, turns out your husband has quite a temper on him.” I could hear the inherent roll in her eyes. “Wouldn’t even let Colton get the words out. He doesn’t know. About any of it.” Laura’s face pinched as her small hand started to rub up and down my forearm.
"Where is Christopher,” I asked, my voice cutting out on his name.
"Evading everyone like usual," Laura responded with equal difficulty.
My heart thudded, a hollow space missing the one thing that made it whole. Nick.
“I need to be with him.”
“You need to rest first, Doll,” she scoffed.
"She's right. You must give your body time to recover. You were legally dead.” Dr. Chambers had joined us.
My breath naturally caught and I started gnawing on my lips. I moved to sit more upright in the bed.
“Fine.”
“It’s imperative for both you and the baby.”
Baby? Huh?
I studied Dr. Chamber’s face. Surely he’d started speaking Korean because, I couldn’t process what he’d just said. When Dr. Chambers’ subtle, serene smile broke across his face, I barked, “What?”
“It’s quite new, so I wasn’t sure whether you knew. Regardless, everything looks to be in order.”
A detached part of me watched Dr. Chambers’ smile grow and Laura’s jaw drop. But the rest of me just sat there, staring blankly at the doctor. Nothing crossed my mind. Literally, nothing. It was just one big vacant, gaping cave-hole thing. The monitor picked up pace again but my chest still didn’t ache.
Huh, what do you know, the heart thing is gone. Brooklyn must have found the antidote. On the black market. Does one go to the black market? Or is there a website for that stuff? On TV it's like a back door chat room. Does Brooklyn hang out in seedy places? Or just on seedy websites? Probably both. He looks like he’s killed a man....
I twisted and idly watched the jagged lines on the monitor.
“Kate, you’re pregnant?” That still detached part of me determined Laura was somewhere between shocked and disgusted. If I was processing things, I might have felt similarly.
“She is, about a month in as far as we can tell. According to Brooklyn Hart the synthetic progesterone of her birth control was eliminated by the Tetrahexazine. You’ve been able to conceive since your first dose of the toxin on New Year’s Eve. You’ll need to see an OB-GYN. Do you have one?”
Dr. Chambers was scribbling on the clipboard and I found myself wondering if he was one of those doctors with obscenely illegible handwriting.
“Kate, do you have one?” Laura’s tone shifted to worried.
“Do we know how much damage the business sustained? How far will it set back production? I need to contact Damien and see what kind of hit my portfolio takes because of this. Perhaps Callista can use her connections to locate a suitable temporary location if need be. Something available immediately. Mac will need to look over the provisions of our lease and see what we are responsible for. Does he handle insurance, too? Can you hand me my phone? ”
I held my hand out to Laura. All my tubes twisted, my IV pulling at the crook in my elbow. One of the monitors started screeching but I sat there, waiting for my BlackBerry. My fingers gestured impatiently while they stayed outstretched.
“I need to get Gemma back to the city from New Canaan.”
The massive to-do list auto-populated in my head.
“Ms. Elliott, you have to rest. It’s critical for both of your lives.” Dr. Chambers was eyeing me over the clipboard.
“Have we heard anything about the initial FiTech numbers? The marketing plan may need revisiting.”
“Ms. Elliott, I’m ordering at least one week of bed rest.” Dr. Chambers voice was more authoritative this time.
“She’s in denial, Dr. Chambers. Either that, or she finally short circuited. Either way I’ll force rest on her.”
You bet your ass I’m in denial about…about…about…oh my God.
That was the closest I could get to acknowledging Dr. Chambers’ words. More items on my to-do list started tumbling out even though I vaguely acknowledged no one was there to put them into action.
“I’ve been meaning to tell Elena that I think the high wasted pants are actually a phenomenal idea. The gold nautical style buttons might even be ok. I mean they’re not overly functional…”
“When can I take her home?” Laura interrupted but I kept mumbling.
“If she’s actually going to rest, I’ll prepare discharge papers now.”
I was still murmuring my thoughts about the fall clothing line when Dr. Chambers left, and Laura cleared her throat. My mumbles shifted to internal rants. At some point I decided to remodel the Hampton’s house. Laura eyed me skeptically, particularly when I stopped answering the hospital staff and she had to become my mouth piece.
Even once we were in the car, heading back toward New Canaan, I remained consumed. I’d sent 42 emails, mostly to myself, since Dr. Chambers had told me about the thing. It wasn’t until we were 20 minutes from the Winthrop castle and I’d run out of action items and resolutions that the problem at hand finally snapped against my skin like a giant stinging rubber band.
My breath caught in my throat as my hands smacked against the dash and the door. I couldn’t help but shriek. The tires of my Porshe squealed when Laura slammed on the breaks. The rear part of the car even swerved slightly.
"Oh God! Oh my God!” I gasped. “I’m pregnant. My life is over. Ruined. He’s going to leave me. Up and leave me!”
“Took you long enough,” she mumbled under her breath. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting slightly?” she asked more directly this time.
“First I killed his mother. Then his investment. Now, this…this…this.” I just pointed my hands at my stomach, unable to even speak the words.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. You are definitely overreacting.” I saw her roll her eyes in the rearview mirror at my absurdities but I just kept on vomiting words.
“We’re not baby people. He’s not baby people. He didn’t sign up for this. He’s a business magnate, he likes to drink scotch late at night and we have sex on…on…on everything. I don’t blame him for leaving me.” I gasped for air and my mind raced faster than my mouth.
“Remind me never to sit on your furniture.” Laura was letting me barrel on.
“Fuck! Shit! Why me? Why did I get a taste of him just to have it all ripped away.” I collapsed back into the seat.
The firm rasp of knuckles against the glass didn’t pull me out of my spiral. Laura held up a finger to Jaime or Colton or whoever was standing there.
“Are you ready for a reality check or shall I let you continue?” Her finger was still at the window but she’d shifted her full attention to me. I managed a weak shrug. “Kate, you have got to get your shit together and give Nicholas a little more credit than that. He loves you more than life itself. Even you two psychopaths can figure something out.” She chuckled as she tried to reach for my shoulder. I jerked my arm away, hitting the passenger window instead and swearing.
“I’ll never kiss him again, never hear him breathing shallow beside me. Oh God! I’ll never see those bright blue eyes.”
I lost it. I wrenched open the door and dry heaves shook my body. Jaime rounded the hood and growled, “What the hell is happening in here?”
“Everything’s fine. She’s having a delusional attack. She just needs a moment."
Jaime’s hand came to my back and gently rubbed.
"I have to tell him Laura. I have to tell him…this,” I sneered, disgusted.
“Tell who, what?” Jaime asked over top of my bent body and Laura murmured back but I couldn’t make out the words. I was too busy getting sick again.
“Kate, he's going to be thrilled,” she soothed.
“No. No fucking way!”
Oh God, he really is going to leave me.
“Language.”
“Not even remotely funny.”
I knew she said it to lighten the mood but it flared my temper, making me even more erratic than I already was. I wretched again.
The car sat silent for a little while, everyone letting me catch my breath. Finally, I sat back, gracelessly wiping my chin. Laura and Jaime watched intently, both unsure I should be out of the hospital.
"You know you could always get rid of it." Laura swallowed hard. “He’d never have to know.”
Those words hung heavy between us. My mind started to reel and my heart picked up pace at the thought. I sat up and wrapped my arms around my stomach and let my fingers curl into my sides. If the thought of being pregnant terrified me, the thought of not being pregnant was like my soul bottoming out and my insides disintegrating to dust.
I couldn't get rid of a piece of Nick, no matter how small. He was the reason I kept breathing. Keeping another piece of him didn’t console me, nor stop me from feeling like my world was crashing down around me. I'd reached the pinnacle of everything just in time to have it stolen.
Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck!
Jaime rubbed my thigh and Laura my shoulder. Nothing but the breeze interrupted the thick and heavy silence. Eventually Laura spoke up.
"Kate, you need to be in the same room as Nicholas."
I shook my head. I couldn’t be in the same room with him. Face to face. I wouldn’t be able to hide these things from him, and once he knew, everything we were would…poof.
“Laura’s right, getting back is probably for the best.” Jaime squeezed above my knee then shut the door behind him.
Laura put the car back in drive and crept onto the road. I wanted to stop her but I was too preoccupied with the turmoil rolling around in my head. Would he be pissed? Would he look at me with his icy disdain? Would I ever get a sweet moment with him again? Would I ever get a moment to myself again?
"Pull over I'm going to be sick again."
"Nope. You're not actually." Laura shrugged matter of factly.
"I think I know my body better than you. I said I’m going to puke."
"Not if you just relax. You're working yourself up over nothing.”
“Nothing?" I threw my arms in the air as I screeched. "He's probably going to leave me. Then I'll be stuck with a kid that is absolutely screwed! How is that nothing?”
"Oh my God, Kate. If your child is anything like its mother, then rebellious drama in its teens lies ahead, but you are not screwed.” She sighed and let her hand wave above the steering wheel. “You have some control issues, a temper, and the mouth of a sailor but you'll rein those in as needed. You always do."
We were pulling into the long driveway of the Winthrop estate. The massive house was even more depressing this time around. In daylight, the gray stones were more befitting a dungeon than a castle; the red roof tiles completed the look. And from my seat where we idled in the circular driveway, I felt it was full of ghosts.
Laura turned the key and the slight purring beneath us stopped. She let the silence grow until it threatened to swallow me. Somewhere along the line, I started chewing on my lip and rubbing my chest out of habit.
“You're just wasting time. Time you could be spending with him.” I stayed stalk still in the passenger seat and she sighed. “Kate, you've got to give him more credit. And while you're at it, give yourself a little more too."
Despite all my fears, that feeling I got around Nick started to build. He was here. Just on the other side of the stone wall in front of me. And I was sitting in the car instead of running to him. My familiar yearning tangled with dread, and reminded me of the way Nick’s eyes could storm.
What color would they turn when I told him? My whole world hinged on whether they would go flat gray or shine bright blue. I could sit here and wonder, or go in and find out.
29.
I waved off Laura and Jaime, telling them I was fine.
Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.
Fine.
Terrence greeted us at the door and his brow furrowed at whatever emotion was hanging on my face. I slid past him and trudged toward the study. It was just a hunch that Nick was where I’d found him last time. When Terrence stepped in front of Laura and stopped her from following me down the long corridor, I knew I was right.
I forced a deep breath into my lungs as my hand rested on the study doorknob.
It could be the last time I find Nick on the other side.
Everything in me seized. Laura could go screw herself. Two things were certain: I was going to be sick and I was going to run. I choked back bile as my hand dropped from the brass. I turned and started clipping back down the hallway. Fear hijacked my entire being making me pick up pace.
Two strong hands appeared from nowhere and caught me, wrapping around my upper arms and stopping me from breaking into a full-tilt run.
“Go back in there,” Jaime spoke softly but sternly as he turned me back down the hall. “Now.”
I stood still for a moment or two, even after Jaime let go. He gently nudged me, and I stutter stepped forward just to freeze all over again. The corridor seemed to stretch out further before me, like Silly Putty when it was stretched too far and went wonky. My knees wavered but then Jaime said my name, this time a fatherly warning, and somehow my feet found the ability to move.
When I reached the door, my hand limply grabbed the brass. As I held it, I turned to look back down the hall. Jaime stood, stance wide and arms crossed over his barrel che
st. He cocked his head when I looked longingly to his side toward freedom. I sighed and finally managed to turn the knob and nudge the door open.
Nick was draped over a chaise lounge in the corner, highlighted by the last bit of late afternoon sun. He was wearing a t-shirt and a pair of sweats that hung low on his hips. His hair fell down into his eyes, waving in every single direction. I could trace the outline of every muscle under his shirt. He was a living, breathing wet dream.
MMMmmm.
My body reacted immediately, my muscles relaxed, and my skin goose bumped. I caught my lip between my teeth as my breathing hitched up. When I shut the door behind me, he stirred.
"Get out," he grumbled.
"Nick it's me. Are you okay?” I was trying desperately not to let my heart bottom out.
"I know isss you." He was dead drunk. “And I said ge'out."
I started chewing on my lip. Could he read my mind that well? Did he already know I was ruined? I wanted to scream, “I need you! Now more than ever!” but for the first time I didn’t want to fight. I wanted to go back to those days before Hong Kong when he’d been too nice and things had been too normal.
But too much had changed.
I walked purposefully over to him and heard crunching under my shoes. As I got closer, I realized the sound came from broken glass scattered across the floor. Near his feet the pieces got larger and sharper.
“Kate, get the fuck out!” he roared and I broke.
“Nick, please.” I was desperate and definitely not above begging. "I know I shouldn't have left but it was important." My fingers dug into my palms as my knees fell to the carpet by his side, glass be damned. “Baby, I know it doesn't seem like it, but I did it all for you. You're my world. I love you. Please don't send me away." My tone was every bit as frantic as my heart had been a few days ago.
He sat up, reached down and grabbed my shoulders, his grip tighter than even I was used to.
“Ouch!" I couldn't help my yelp as he lifted me from my crouch by his knees.
He wobbled a little when he stood up close to me and it made me roll my ankle. I would have fallen to the floor if it weren't for his grasp.
