by Allen, Dylan
It was one summer, but it had been the most wonderful, unexpected interlude in the shit show that had been my life.
I let my chest press against his and wrap my hand around his neck and the kiss deepens.
His tongue sweeps inside my mouth and tangles with mine. He licks and sucks and reverently, lovingly reminds me of everything I’ve missed. This is the most perfect kiss. Because this is the most perfect man. Even in the ways that we are flawed, we are each other’s perfects.
His hand drifts down my shoulder and he cups my breast and his thumb sweeps my nipple. His fingers twist and fist the hair at the nape of my neck, lips skid down my throat, his teeth and tongue working in beautiful concert – nipping and then soothing.
I am unraveling. I’m approaching a place I shouldn’t be going. The warning bells start to ring. This is wrong. And, I won’r ruin my chance at having the life I always wanted.
Not when the last time I let him close enough, he decimated my heart.
There’s a loud crash in the hallway and I yank my mouth off his and jump out of his lap. His fingers circle my wrist and he yanks me back.
“No. Not yet,” he says and his lips press to mine again
“Remi. No. Please… let’s not. I feel it, too. But… no.”
I put a hand over my still flat stomach.
He lets go of my wrist. The light in his eyes cool and he drops his head, and shakes it.
When he looks up at me again his eyes are clear. Like he’s dropped a mask over the raging emotions that had nearly drowned us a few minutes ago.
“I know. I’m sorry. That’s not the man I was raised to be.”
Hearing him say he’s sorry, even though I know I should be too, stings.
“It’s just seeing you… just everything makes me forget myself.”
“It’s okay. Nostalgia and all.” I say lamely.
“And, I know how much you like kissing me.” He winks and flashes me a grin. It doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but I can see he’s trying. So I smile back. And when I do, he nods his head as if accepting something and stands up.
“So... friends?” he asks and watches me
“We’ve always been. And will always be.”
When I leave thirty minutes later, I feel better. I have Remi back in my life and I’ve made the right choice. I’m going to be somebody’s mother. Someone who didn’t ask to be born and I want to do right by him or her. I won’t put a child through what I went through. Not even if it means having to settle for friendship with the man I love.
19
THE WEDDING
REMI
“What are you two doing?” my mother thunders as she bursts into the small vestibule where Regan and I are huddled.
I don’t look at her. I’ve had about as much of her shit as I can take this week. And after this morning with Kal, I’m about as raw as an open wound.
“Mother—I’m just not sure.” Regan pleads. I want to tell her to save her breath.
“Well, that baby in your belly says at some point you were very sure. You’ll be sure again. You will not embarrass your family this way.”
“Remi says—”
“Remi,” my mother infuses my name with caustic dismissal, “doesn’t know the first thing about a relationship or marriage. He’s the very last person you should be taking advice from.”
I’m not even mad. She’s right. But I won’t let her act like she knows any better.
“As opposed to you and your long, successful marriage?”
“Your father died, Remi.”
“Nice of you to remember that today. Most days you act like he ran off to join the circus.”
“Your disrespectful tone and subversive efforts will not be tolerated today.” She glares at me and stomps over to where we’re sitting and looks down her nose at Regan.
“You’ve got two hundred and fifty family members and friends waiting in that chapel. Marcel Landel is standing at the end of an aisle waiting to marry you. Despite your shameless antics and your hysterics two days ago, he’s there. You should be on your knees thanking your lucky stars that he’ll still have you. Instead, you’re here with your brother hatching whatever harebrained scheme you can think of to get out of doing what is right.”
“Mother, I am not. I know Marcel is a great man. I know I’m lucky. But I don’t love him,” Regan pleads.
My mother grabs Regan’s chin and yanks her face upward.
“Do you think that matters? He’s a good man. You’re clearly attracted to him.” She shoots a glance at the small swell of Regan’s belly. “He’s got money and most importantly you’re carrying his child. You must not soil our name with illegitimacy. You will not. Now, get up.”
She turns and walks out of the room.
Regan shoots me a helpless glance and stands. I grab her hand and pull her back down to her seat. I lean forward and hold her gaze. This is my twin, we may be as different as the sunrise and the sunset, but she’s still my true other half and I want more for her than marriage for expediency.
“Reggie, you don’t have to do anything. If you don’t want to marry him, I will walk you out of here and I’ll explain it to him. He’s a reasonable man. A good man. But that doesn’t mean you have to spend the rest of your life with him.”
My mother spins on her heels and marches back toward where I’m sitting. She stands toe to toe with me looking upon me with the anger that so often clouds our interactions. Our relationship has deteriorated to the point that we only speak to each other when we need to. I keep the things I care about out of her reach.
“You are not the head of this family. You are not the person who will have to deal with the fallout of what you’re advising. Stop being so selfish and immature and do what your father should be doing and walk your sister down the aisle.”
I stand up now. Sick of her browbeating insults and her disdain.
“Or what? You don’t have basketball to use as your stick anymore. You got rid of Kal, so what do you have to hold over me now?”
Her hand flies to her chest and her face is a picture of indignation. But I know my mother and indignant isn’t an emotion in her tank. She’s pissed and can’t believe I would dare speak to her like that.
“Yes, I wanted her to know that she’d never be one of us. But how am I responsible for your little tart’s disappearing act?”
“Um, well let’s see. How about blackmail and extortion?”
“Remi!” Regan gasps loudly. I take in her shocked expression and immediately decide to stand down.
“I’m sorry. It’s your wedding day.”
“Yes, you can chase your conspiracy theories another day. And one day, you’ll thank me. She wasn’t suitable, and she’s the reason you became obsessed with civil rights. And now instead of working for your family’s corporation, you’re about to become a low-level civil servant. Joni being your partner is the only reason you still have any clout in Houston. If you marry her, you can go off on your legal journey gallivanting and still have the social status to do the Wilde name credit. I won’t apologize for what I did.”
I stand up then, even though I don’t move from my sister’s side.
“Of course not. That would require you to actually care about how I feel.”
She sneers and steps toward me. “The girl you love is marrying someone else because she didn’t love you enough to come after you, Remi. She chose that. I didn’t do that. You can’t blame me for all of your troubles—”
“Please stop,” Regan stands up and shouts. “Please don’t fight. Don’t say such ugly things to each other. Please. Not today.” She looks between us and her eyes are full of a begging plea.
The fight in me dissipates. It’s not about me today. My grandfather asked me to walk Regan down the aisle and I’ve seen it as a solemn and sacred responsibility.
“I’m sorry, Reg. You’re right. But you have to decide because it’s not fair to keep him waiting. Do you want to go or should we walk down that aisle?”
She looks down at her hand and twists the large solitary-stone engagement ring around on her finger. Her fiancé Marcel is twenty years her senior. He’s the owner of the multinational media company that owns the television station Regan works for. And he got her pregnant. When she told me I hadn’t taken it well.
“I want to do it.” Regan’s quiet statement jolts me back to the present.
“Of course you do. You’re not a fool.” My mother casts her eyes on me so that it’s clear what she was leaving unsaid.
“Come on. I’ll let them know you had a snafu with your dress and are on your way out.”
“Oh, and Remi… you should use the ring I gave you soon.”
“Oh, Mother. I’ve decided I’d rather pluck my eyes out with hot pokers than marry Joni. So, I’ll be giving it back to you. Maybe give it to Tyson. He’ll need it before I ever do.”
“You are such a disappointment.” She casts those words over her shoulder as she walks out and I look at Regan in shock.
“Remi. It’s okay.” My sister tucks her arms through mine and pats my hand reassuringly. “We’ll get through this together. Like we have everything else. I’m just glad you’re here and able to give me away.”
“I am, too. Come on. Let’s go get married.”
20
TRY
KAL
I don’t know why I came. I didn’t decide until an hour ago. When I got back from CASA, I told Paul I was sick. He believed me. For once, he relented and would have let me stay where I was if I’d insisted.
But, the truth is, I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing Remi again. I couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation at CASA, and the way he’d looked when I said I was pregnant. The way it felt to hear he didn’t get my letters. There is so much unsaid between us. So many moments deferred by life.
I have managed to convince myself that everything is as it should be. We’re both where life intended us to be. And every time I think about my baby, I feel so much love that I know it alone can sustain me. I’ve got my dream job. I’m living the happily ever after I never thought I’d have. So, why does it feel so hollow?
When the church doors open and Remi and Regan stepped onto that carpet, I had known for a fact that this had been a mistake. I should have stayed at the hotel. Being here with Paul only exacerbated the feeling of “wrong” that has settled on my shoulders like a cape. I don’t love Paul. I don’t think I ever could – at least not the way I think. Because that belongs to someone else.
Now, the party is in full swing. Paul and I are seated at the table farthest away from the bride, groom, and bridal family. I’ve watched Remi lead his sister in the traditional father-daughter dance. All of that young charm has morphed into a mature charisma that makes everyone smile as he walks by. He’s the most handsome man in the room. His hair is closely cropped, the strength of his jaw is magnified by his short, immaculately groomed beard.
I wish he was mine.
“You want another Shirley Temple?” Paul asks and I give him a wan smile and nod. “And a glass of water, too, please.”
“Be right back. There’s an open bar, so I’m going to get another one of these.” He jiggles his empty lowball glass. I bite my tongue against the warning that he’s drinking too much because the last thing I want is to have a fight with him.
“Hey, friend. Can I have this dance?”
I freeze in my seat. It’s Remi.
I turn and take him in. He looks like a tall glass of ice water in the middle of a sandstorm. His tuxedo is cut to fit, and fit, it does. So very, very well.
“Uh… hey, sure” I say and find my words are more of a sigh than anything else because I’m struggling to breathe. My heart is hammering in my chest.
“You look incredible in that dress,” he says and looks me up and down. I flush and run a self-conscious hand over my hair which I had blown out and flat ironed for today. October is the one month a girl with a head full of natural curls can get away with a style like this in Houston, so I went down to the hotel’s salon on a whim.
“Let’s dance. Come on.”
He sticks his hand out and I take it.
“Okay.”
We’re on the dance floor in a few steps. Remi’s arm goes around my waist and he draws me into him in one fluid motion. I swear, my insides are melting.
“Kal,” he whispers my name in my ear and there’s an urgency in his voice.
“Mm-hmm.” Because my tongue is tied.
“I’m drunk,” he confesses.
“You don’t drink,” I chide him.
“It’s the only way I would have survived Regan’s pre-divorce party,” he whispers and I giggle.
“Don’t say that.”
“Just telling it like it is. And I don’t want to talk about her.”
“Okay.” I let him twirl us around. Then I lean back and look him in the eye.
“You having a good time?”
“Fuck no.”
“Why? You have a headache from the drinks already?”
“Nope. The only thing that hurts is this.” He takes my hand and lays it on his chest. I can feel the beat of his heart against my palm and gasp.
“Remi.” I pull my hand away.
“Doesn’t yours? I could have sworn you loved me, too.”
My heart stops.
“You loved me?”
“Love. Present tense.”
I shake my head in denial.
“I should have told you then.” He pulls me to him and presses his lips to my ear. On the crowded dance floor, it feels like we’re alone.
“You were everything I wanted before I even knew I wanted it, Kal. You made me wonder and think and you changed my life in ways I can’t quantify.”
My heart thuds against his chest and I can feel the vibration of it throughout my whole body.
“Do you ever wonder what if?” he whispers and my heart starts to crack.
“Every day,” I admit, on a whisper.
“Do you know I think about you when I’m with her. When I kiss her, sometimes I taste you.”
My heart cracks in a way I feel to my bones.
“Me, too,” I admit.
“Is this okay? For us to feel this way and let each other go?” he asks the question I think I’ll ask myself for the rest of my life. I can only do what I think, at this moment, is right.
“Hmm,” he hums. I tremble from the wave of pure, unadulterated lust that slams into me, from just the way his breath brushes against my skin. Then, I feel the insistent press of his hard cock in my stomach. I can’t stop myself from pressing closer.
“I want to put that inside of you. I miss your pussy, Kal. We were only kids… and it’s still the best pussy I’ve ever had. And I could take such good care of it now. I know things.” His hands slide down my back and stop short of grabbing my ass. I clench my thighs in a failed effort to quiet the throb his touch is creating between them. I am so turned on and yet so sad at the same time.
“We can’t be friends,” he whispers in my ear, his lips skimming the sensitive shell of my ear before he drops his forehead onto my shoulder. And my heart hurts so profoundly because I know he’s right.
I know when he comes to his senses, sobers up, or whatever, that he’ll regret this and will never do it again.
“I know,” I whisper.
“Fuuuuuuck. I don’t want to let you go. Not again. Not after all this time. Leave him, Kal.” He grates, his lips lingers on the side of my face.
I’ve never been more tempted in my life. The crush of bodies on the dance floor makes a nice camouflage, but we’re being very reckless… holding each other this close in public. Neither one of us can afford to be seen. Neither of us seems to care.
This time his lips dust the fine hairs at my temple. “What if we’re supposed to be together? What if it was my baby you had growing inside of you? It’s my last name you should have been getting ready to take. My house, you come home to. Me, you’re going home with. My
dick you’re riding until you come all over it.” He growls, hot and angry in my ear. I want to respond by shouting “yes.” After each sentence. I am completely undone and I feel the loss of him and our chance so keenly.
“Remi… please don’t.” I hug him and want so badly to cry. And then, he goes and guarantees that I will leave there knowing exactly what I’ve missed.
“I’m so in love with you. So, so, in love.”
My heart constricts and then starts to race.
He presses his nose into my hair and wraps me tightly in his arms.
“I’ll miss you, Will.” He says like he’s about to let me go and I start to panic.
I want to stay like this. In his arms. The rebel in me hopes that Paul sees us.
But, the girl who grew up with her chaotic mother showing her just what life as a single parent looked like wins.
I’ve made my choice.
I pull out of his embrace and shake my head.
“Remi, I’m sorry.”
I can’t read his eyes, but I can feel his disappointment and his anger. It permeates the space between us and mingles with mine. He leans forward and down so that his lips are at my ear.
“For me, it’s always been you.” My heart aches and I bite back a whimper. He skims his fingers down my arms. “If you change your mind… you want to run away from it all, now, later, ever—say the word. I’ll be waiting.” And then he presses a kiss to my cheek, lets me go and walks away.
21
ECLIPSE
REMI
The morning after the wedding has been a bleak one. The guests are gone. Kal is gone. I’m on autopilot now. If I stop to think about yesterday, I’ll lose my shit. I have never felt so sick to my stomach as I did when Kal said she was pregnant.
She was right that I’d moved on, too. But, I didn’t realize until yesterday, when it was too late, that I’d been carrying an ember of hope inside me that somehow, one day, we’d get it right.
