by Nella Tyler
I parked off the main path that wound around the entire cemetery and went over to help Sophia down from her side. Only she didn’t let me go when I went to put her down. She just burrowed into me, her little arms tightening on my neck and legs clamping onto my middle. I straightened up again, chuckling at how strong she was.
“You don’t want to walk, monkey?” I asked.
She shook her head and tightened her grip on my neck.
I pressed a loud kiss onto the top of her head and walked across the paved road to the first of the gravestones. Chelsea’s grave was on a hill, overlooking the rolling, vacant land past the eastern edge of the cemetery. It had seemed peaceful somehow when I came out here to make the arrangements. I felt serenity in the middle of the ocean of sadness I was experiencing in the aftermath of Chelsea’s sudden decline and death. I knew that was where she needed to be and that she would love it, if the roles were reversed.
I climbed the slight incline to get to where the earthly remains of my first love lay six feet underground. I came out here on my own sometimes when Sophia was at school or with Brian. I didn’t want her only memories of her mother to involve a marble headstone and bitterly cold temperatures. The things that truly made Chelsea who she was — her infectious laugh, her sharp intelligence, the overwhelming love she had for those around her — were nearly unknowable to Sophia, who had been so young when her mother passed away. I tried my best to keep those things alive for her, but I was ashamed to admit that I’d forgotten so many things about Chelsea and more left my memory with each passing day. It was normal, I guessed, but it felt like I was betraying her.
“Here we are,” I murmured to Sophia, who had leaned into me and rested her head on my shoulder.
“Hi, Mommy,” she whispered, barely loud enough for me to hear. She moved against me — her signal for wanting down from the time that she was able to know what she wanted — and I put her down gently. She pressed against my leg, looping her arm around my thigh. I rested a hand on her small head, protected by the cocoon of a fuzzy knit hat that matched her sweater.
“Your mommy used to love being outside,” I said. I never made many plans for these visits. I just talked about the first things that came to mind, and it was always right. “Especially in the cold weather. She’d come inside sometimes with a bright red nose and fingers that were frozen solid. ‘The world is so beautiful,’ she would say. ‘I just can’t look away.’”
“She liked to play outside?” Sophia asked, not looking away from the headstone. She could read the words on it now. Chelsea Reid. Beloved daughter, wife, and mother. May the sun always shine upon you.
“Yes, she did. And, she liked to play with you, too. You probably got your love of soccer and rock climbing from Mommy.”
“Why isn’t she here with us like other mommies?”
That question nearly turned me inside out. I didn’t cry very often, but I found myself suddenly blinking back tears. The last few weeks had been especially trying emotionally. I was spent and exhausted, I realized, and this was almost too much to bear.
“She got very sick, honey. She tried to stay with us, but she just couldn’t.”
Sophia didn’t speak for a long time. I let the silence stand. The three of us were together, as we were meant to be. The wind blew, groaning through the bare tree branches. The damp cold was seeping into my clothes the longer we stood here. My feet were frozen solid in my boots, and I couldn’t feel my fingers.
“Are you getting cold, Soph?” I asked.
She nodded, not looking away from the headstone. “My hands hurt.” She was wearing gloves, but the morning was wet on top of being in the low thirties. The wind didn’t help, either. “Can I leave my picture?”
“Of course, honey.”
She fished the picture she’d drawn out of her pocket and set it down on at the bottom of Chelsea’s tombstone, securing it with one of the painted rocks she’d left last year. She’d worked on the drawing from the time she came home from school last night until dinner was ready. She turned and walked back to me. I scooped her up into my arms again and held her close. She was shivering so hard her teeth were chattering.
I had to swallow a lump in my throat before I could speak. “Bye, Chelsea.”
“Bye, Mommy,” Soph said.
We walked back to the truck and got inside. I started the engine and cranked up the heat. Sophia and I peeled off our gloves and wiggled our fingers in front of the vents to warm them.
“Were you happy when Mommy lived with us?” she asked, her brown eyes suddenly on my face.
I didn’t even have to think about the answer. It felt like my heart had been cut open in my chest again, just like it had right after Chelsea passed away.
“Yes, I was very happy.”
Sophia nodded and smiled kindly, looking much older than her six years. “You should find someone to be happy with again. Like you were with Mommy.” She looked away from me, focusing on warming her chubby little fingers again.
I just stared at her, stunned by how intuitive and wise she was at such a young age. Sometimes her mother’s light shone through her so vividly it tore at my heart. This morning, I couldn’t fight it. I already felt like I’d been ripped to shreds. It was getting easier to bear the weight of all that had happened to us, but we still had a long way to go.
“Ready to go to the diner?” I asked.
Sophia nodded, her expression brightening considerably.
After our cemetery visits, we hit a bunch of Chelsea’s favorite places. The diner where we’d had our first date was always the next stop.
I pulled the truck onto the path around the cemetery and eventually out onto the main road again. We drove back to town in a silence that felt more comfortable, peaceful even. Behind us, Chelsea lay in the ground, alone. But, right now, it felt like she was in the truck with us, smiling that sunny smile that used to break my heart to see. Sophia had that same smile. As long as she was with me, so was Chelsea. I could find peace with that. I had to.
Chapter 22
Abigail
Thursday
I drove to the school a little earlier than usual, just needing something to occupy my troubled mind that wasn’t sitting alone in my house. I hadn’t slept very well the night before. I still felt so guilty over how I’d acted on Tuesday. How had I not known that Sophia’s mother was dead? And why had I jumped to the stupid conclusion that Drew was cheating on me? He was a kind and decent man, and I’d jeopardized the beginnings of what could be a great relationship with my suspicions.
Unable to sleep anyway, I came up with a plan to make it up to him and Sophia both while staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night. I’d kept the majority of my suspicions to myself, thankfully. The situation might not be as bad as it seemed.
I pulled into the teachers’ area of the parking lot and went inside the building. I had a few things to prepare before the students arrived, but I also planned to stand outside in the car loop area to wait for Drew. I couldn’t wait until the afternoon. I needed to speak to him as soon as I could. It hadn’t felt right to message or call him yesterday considering what he and Sophia had spent their day doing.
As the beginning of the school day approached, I stood from my desk and put my jacket back on. My stomach was suddenly in knots and my muscles felt full of nervous excitement. I wasn’t sure how Drew would be this morning or how he would respond to what I had to say. I just had to hope that I hadn’t messed things up too much the other day.
I stepped outside and was relieved to see that Drew’s blue truck wasn’t parked in its usual space yet. I hadn’t missed my opportunity. I watched the cars drive through, pausing briefly to let kindergarteners out onto the sidewalk. All of my students came over for hugs, each one surprised and pleased to find me waiting out here, which wasn’t my usual practice. Because Sophia didn’t eat breakfast at school, she was normally a little later to arrive than those students who did take full advantage of the early meal.
I forced my arms down to my sides when I noticed myself wringing my hands so hard they hurt. My heart leapt in my chest as soon as I caught sight of Drew’s shiny blue truck turning into the parking lot. He stopped in his usual place. There weren’t many other cars in the parking lot, and it was easy for me to dash across the small crosswalk and get to the truck just as Drew was pulling Sophia out of the passenger side.
“Hi, Miss East!” she said, her smile helping to calm the anxious energy brewing in my stomach. I could do this. I liked this man, and he liked me. I hadn’t done any damage that I couldn’t undo with the plan I’d come up with.
I gave Sophia a hug and smiled at Drew when he closed the truck door and came around to stand in front of me.
“Good morning,” I said. My smile felt twitchy and ready to fall, but I kept it on, faking confidence I didn’t quite feel at the moment.
“Morning,” he replied, looking at me carefully. Sophia had wandered back in his direction and was busy clinging to his legs. He dropped a loving hand on the top of her head, smoothing back her loose, dark hair.
“I just wanted to apologize for the other day.” His face convulsed into a confused expression, but I kept going, not wanting to lose my nerve by giving him an opportunity to speak. I’d gone over this several times in my own head this morning and had never considered the possibility of him interjecting. “When Sophia mentioned visiting her mom, it surprised me because I understood she was out of the picture. I didn’t meant to be so damned insensitive. I had no idea she had passed away. I’m so very sorry for the way I acted.”
Drew stared at me for another few seconds that felt like they were stretching on into eternity before he smiled, his face transforming with kindness. His light brown eyes made me forget about the biting chill in the air this morning. I wanted to huddle up in that warmth. I pictured myself lifting onto my tiptoes to brush his lips with my own as my fingers ran over the bristly hair on his cheeks and jaw. But, of course, I couldn’t do any of that on school property.
“To be honest, I didn’t even notice that you’d done or said anything out of the ordinary. I don’t do a lot of talking about Soph’s mom. It’s too hard, but I can see why you were confused.”
“Well, I feel terrible for how I acted, even if you didn’t notice,” I said and giggled. All that shivering, nervous energy had dissipated, leaving me completely at home in my skin again, that ease returning like magic between Drew and me. I loved how companionable things felt with him and how quickly that friendly energy could heat up, making my entire body ache. The smell of him was already doing bad things to me. I couldn’t wait for the weekend. I had to make sure we carved out some time for just the two of us.
“So, I came up with a plan to make it up to you. I’d like to surprise you this time with a fun day on Saturday.”
Drew’s smile dimmed just a little. “I can’t get anyone to watch Sophia for me this weekend on such short notice. Brian will be out of town, and he’s my usual go to.” His smile changed again, becoming almost sheepish. “I don’t do much going out, if you hadn’t noticed. I never really had much of a need to find another babysitter, and I’m not comfortable leaving her with a stranger.”
“Well, let’s bring her with us. I can change the plan a little so it’s fun for her, too.” I hadn’t actually come up with a solid plan, anyway. I didn’t want to get too deep into it only to have Drew refuse to go out with me because of how I’d acted the other day. It was a relief to know that he hadn’t even noticed my screw up. I spent so much time locked inside my own head, worrying and going over every little mistake I’d ever made, that it was easy to forget other people were also just as occupied with their own perceived failings and shortcomings.
“Okay,” he replied, his smile coming back at full power. “She’d probably like that. And, it’ll be good practice for the Valentine’s Day lunch.”
“Great,” I said. My mind was already moving a mile a minute to come up with fun, kid-friendly activities. I knew how I wanted to end the evening — with Drew and me tangled together, naked and pleasuring one another — and just needed to figure out how to get there. What time did Sophia go to bed again? It seemed too indecent to ask right now, but maybe I could slip it into a future conversation…
I looked down at my watch. “I have to get inside before the bell rings. I’ll talk to you later about the plan for the weekend, okay?”
Drew nodded. “I guess we can’t hug or anything, right?” His smile sharpened at the edges, his eyes glimmering with an impish light that only made my needy body ache even more for him. I’d give anything to feel his arms around me while I tasted his sweet, masculine flavor on my tongue.
“No, not out here in front of everyone. But definitely this weekend.” Now it was my turn to smile wickedly. “I’ll let you two say your goodbyes. See you in the classroom, Sophia.” I turned before Drew could respond to that and walked back to the school.
Terry was standing outside watching me, a troubled expression on his face that rubbed me the wrong way. He waved me over and that anxious energy returned, bouncing along the inside of my ribcage as I approached him, wearing a bright smile as my armor.
“Morning, Terry.”
He didn’t respond to the greeting, which was unlike him. His eyes were on Drew, who had leaned over to hug his daughter goodbye. “What was going on out there?”
“That’s one of my students,” I replied and didn’t go any further. I’d once heard that when you were being questioned about something by the police, you were only supposed to provide the information that had been requested and no more, lest you get yourself into deeper trouble than you were already in to begin with. Drew and I hadn’t touched each other or done anything outwardly improper, but something Terry had seen between us was enough to make him stop whatever he was doing out here and talk to me.
“There’s nothing going on between you and that man?” he asked, his dark eyes shifting to my face. They were enormous behind his glasses, but I felt like I was the one under a microscope.
“We were discussing his daughter and the Valentine’s Day lunch. What else would have been going on, Terry?” There. Now the ball was back in his court. He either accused me of something or he let this go. I hoped he would choose the latter option.
“Things just appeared very cozy out there,” he said and shook his head. He pressed his thin lips together before going further, as though weighing his words. “We don’t need any scandals here at the school. Even the appearance of impropriety is enough to get the rumor mill started.”
“Well, there’s nothing to worry about,” I assured him. My stomach twisted as soon as the lie was out in the open, but what else could I do?
“That’s good to know.” Instead of saying anything further, he walked away, leaving me alone on the sidewalk.
When Sophia approached from the parking lot after saying goodbye to her father for the day, I put on a fake smile, took her by the hand, and led her into the building.
The conversation with Terry stuck with me all day, but I wasn’t going to let it derail the plans I was putting together for us this weekend. Drew and I were building something special. I just needed to be careful not to show a hint of our relationship at work.
Chapter 23
Drew
Saturday
“Are you sure you don’t know what we’re doing?” Sophia asked for about the seventeenth time this morning. Last night hadn’t been much better. I’d waited until after I picked her up from school to tell her that we were going out the following day with Abigail — only I called her Miss East to keep the confusion at a minimum. I didn’t want her calling the teacher by her first name in class. As soon as I’d told her, Soph had asked me so many questions, I could hardly keep track of them, and unfortunately, I didn’t have any answers for her. Abigail was being tightlipped about whatever we were going to do today.
“Honey,” I started, sighing the word. “Remember how I told you that today was a surprise for us?”
Sophia nodded. She’d barely touched her cereal. She was too excited to do much more than lob questions at me. The fact that I couldn’t answer them wasn’t slowing her down, at all.
“Well, that means I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“Will it be fun?” she asked, completely ignoring everything I’d just said.
“Yes, it will be fun.”
She squealed and wiggled around like crazy in her chair.
“But we won’t go anywhere if you don’t eat your breakfast first.” I’d already finished my cereal, and she’d only taken a bite or two.
A serious look stole over Sophia’s face, her brown eyes going wide. She started to eat without taking much time to enjoy it. We were already dressed and ready for Abigail to arrive. She said to be ready by ten, and it was only eight thirty. I envisioned another solid ninety minutes of playing question and answer with Sophia before then.
After cleaning up the breakfast dishes and making sure Sophia got her teeth brushed, I told her to get her winter gear on. Overnight, we’d had a few inches of snow and it was holding firm. We were due to warm up the following day, so if we didn’t enjoy the fresh power now, we never would.
Getting outside and staying active was the perfect way to inoculate myself against Sophia’s constant questions. By the time we made a snowman, had a snowball fight, and went back inside to warm up with hulking mugs of hot chocolate, Abigail was pulling into the driveway. I opened the door before she even had a chance to knock and grinned just to see her coming up our front walk.
“Cute snowman,” she said.
