by Nicole Thorn
Adalyn went back to her drawings, and I was in the middle of a book when Bennett slid into the seat across from her. “So… you draw?”
My sister looked up and tucked a lock of her long hair behind her ear. “I do.”
Oh, this was a mess of awkward. Bennett folded his hands together and set them on the table then his lap then the table again all in about five seconds. He cleared his throat and looked out the window. “I make comics.”
“What kind of comics?” she deadpanned.
And then he told her, and I watched his eyes light up… and he smiled… and she smiled.
My face grew hot, and my teeth started to ache when I realized my jaw clenched for too long. I couldn’t make myself look away from the smile on Bennett’s face as he told her things that he normally told me. And she was talking. Adalyn was fucking talking. She took notes, and she sketched little samples that made Bennett smile even more. They were getting along just fine.
I was on my feet before I registered moving, and I snuggled right the fuck up to Bennett. My hand went to his inner thigh, and I rubbed him down to his knee and back, smiling at him. “Hey, Benny. Whatcha doin’?”
He tried to talk, but nothing came out. Then he blinked and exhaled. “Adalyn was doodling something for the last comic I was working on.”
I looked over at my sister who smirked to herself. She pulled her lips into her mouth and went back to drawing something, her pencil scratching hard on paper.
“Oh,” I said, cheerful. “Are you guys going to work together?”
“Maybe,” Bennett said, eyes distant, and unseeing on the table.
“Hmm.” I rubbed his leg again. “That sounds like fun.”
Adalyn cleared her throat, and I swear to God she looked like she held back laughter. “Yeah, I think it will be. But I should go see if Wilson and Riley are doing okay.” She left her things, and the seat, without another word.
I stayed in my seat, and I still rubbed Bennett’s thigh when I felt something weird. I thought it was his phone in his pocket, but it was too big for that, and it wasn’t there a few sec—oh, fuck. Well… I should have thought this through.
Bennett’s eyes widened and still stared at the table, but his fists were clenched under it. Oh, dear.
I removed my hand and laid both on the table. “I am so sorry, Benny. I didn’t… didn’t realize what I was doing.”
“S’okay,” he said, his voice husky and quiet. “Sorry you… felt that.”
I shrugged lazily. “I mean, it wasn’t all that bad.”
“Huh?” he squeaked as he turned his head to me.
Slowly, I put the tips of my fingers back on his thigh. I watched my hand as it slid over the bulge in his jeans. His breath came out in a rush and then stilled. Ah, I definitely liked this. Not just the reaction but feeling him. Something in me stirred, and I pressed my thighs together, adjusting in my seat. Huh, well, that’s interesting. It was familiar but new at the same time. I’d thought about him a few nights ago when I was in my much-needed bath. I thought about him touching me and me touching him like this. It was much more satisfying in real life.
I aimed my eyes up, and he watched me, lips parted and breathing still off. His head started dipping down to mine, and I smiled when I realized what was coming.
Then Riley ran up, singing at the top of her lungs. She screamed as she caught herself on the stripper pole. She swung around, still singing. She was in her footie pajamas… and I was in my footie pajamas. Oh, God. I groped Bennett while in my footie pajamas…
He must think I’m such a freak.
I let go of him and watched my sister dancing while Wilson yelled. “Hey! Not fair that you’re on that pole. Someone drive for me!”
Adalyn laughed, but I couldn’t see her. I needed to do damage control, like right now. I hurried to my feet and stood next to Riley. “CLOSE YOUR EYES, WILSON!” I said as I started unzipping my pajamas.
“Driving!” he said.
“We’ll have to risk it.”
I unzipped to the bottom of my stomach. Adalyn’s crystal blue eyes widened, and she looked like she wanted to laugh again. Riley smirked and crossed her arms. I glanced at Bennett as I stepped out of my clothes, and he stared very hard out the window. Damn.
I pulled on shorts, because I knew it would be warmer in California. Then I put a short sleeved shirt on and straightened it out. I rubbed my hands together as I kicked the pajamas out of the way. “What shall I dance to?”
“Music Man,” Riley said, standing with her hands on her hips. “You’re not really gonna strip, are you?”
I put my hand on the pole and twirled around. “No… but this looks fun.”
And we danced to the soundtrack playing. Riley and I spun around, singing and trying to do tricks while Wilson complained, Adalyn laughed, and Bennett watched with those distant eyes. His chest moved quite fast, and I hoped that I had something to do with that.
“Dance with us, Adalyn,” Riley said, holding a hand out.
Adalyn shook her head from her seat up front.
Wilson patted her knee, and she flinched. “We’ll suffer together, kid.”
I danced my little heart out, and Bennett hardly even watched me. He chose to stare out the window. Obviously I freaked him out, and he hated me. I screwed everything up without even trying. I’m dying alone. No babies or happy days for Layla. Oh, well.
The rest of the drive dragged on, and I still got all snuggly with Bennett. We sat beside each other and didn’t say all that much. He had his computer with him, and he took to working on his story. I left him in peace, content to read my book until it was my turn to drive. Riley took over so that Wilson could eat. Since the drive was so very long, stops wouldn’t be all that great of an idea. We didn’t want to get to the hotel at midnight. It was bad enough we were gonna be there at around ten.
Bennett closed his laptop when I brought him dinner. Some mac and cheese I made for us all, but he looked so happy when I handed him the bowl. He thanked me, utterly grateful.
I kissed his cheek. “You’re welcome, honey.”
I sat back and propped my feet up on the other side of the seats, picking at my dinner. Under the table, Bennett’s foot bumped mine. Then it happened again. And again. I looked to my side, and he smiled down at his bowl. Oh, I see.
While staring at my food, I ran my bare foot over his, and I bumped it before I crossed my ankles. I was punished/rewarded for that when Bennett scooted close enough for my hip to touch him. He put his foot between mine, breaking them apart. Our game went on for maybe a half hour before I settled against him, my head on his shoulder. He rested his head against mine, and everything felt so calm in the world.
Oh, I was in a lot of trouble, wasn’t I? This boy could be the end of me.
Night fell, and we got to the hotel which was much nicer than I had been led to believe. We were staying in a suite with two rooms since we had to smoosh five people all together.
The boys were sweet enough to carry our bags in and set them by the door. Wilson checked us in, so he handed us our key cards.
“Are you guys okay with Riley and I taking a room?” he asked.
Adalyn nodded. “It would be silly any other way.”
So that meant we had two beds for three people. I would have shared with Adalyn if I thought that I would be anything but angry with my choice. My sisters and I had shared a bed before, but I knew she didn’t like it. So… I guess I would be doing a really bad thing tonight.
“Do you want the bed alone?” I asked my sister.
She was already moving to it and putting her bag up. “I kick in my sleep,” she said. Not true, but she did wiggle her butt a lot.
Bennett looked downright panicked as he looked at the other bed. “Umm, I guess I’ll sleep on the floor.”
I laughed and patted his chest. “Don’t be silly. We can share a bed.” We better share a bed. I wanted to get all snuggly again, and it would be obvious if he woke up on the floor with me on
top of him. Couldn’t give myself away now.
“You sure?” he squeaked.
I needed to play it cool, so I nodded. “Yeah. I may hog the blanket though.”
He didn’t say anything. He stared at the bed as if it were made of lava.
Riley and Wilson shuffled off to their room, and I heard the sink as it turned on. I imagined she would want to get cleaned up after such a long and grueling day. I was almost tempted to hop in the shower, but I didn’t want to leave Adalyn alone with Bennett. Horrific thoughts popped into my head. Ones of coming back here and finding them on the bed. His hands all over her, mouths together. I couldn’t take it. It made my heart literally hurt, and I knew it was irrational.
Adalyn went to the bathroom to change, and I got an awful idea. Bennett was at the bed, digging through his bag for something. I pulled my shorts and a shirt from mine, and I smiled to myself as I gathered up my clothes.
“Darn,” I sighed. “Adalyn is in the bathroom. She’s probably showering. Do you mind if I change in here?”
Bennett watched me, and his hands tightened around a shirt. “Umm, go ahead. I don’t care.”
I turned, smirking because I couldn’t help it. First, I pulled my shorts down my legs and turned back to toss them on the bed. I caught a glance at Bennett’s red face, but he wasn’t looking at me. Damn, I would have to try harder. Next came the shirt. I was slow, pulling it over my head and dropping it onto the floor. I was thankful for the mirror placed on the wall. I could look up and see Bennett in it. As I unsnapped my bra, his eyes widened on me, and he tried to look away. He did, for a few seconds. His head dipped, and he focused on his clothes again.
Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t torture him. My stance was made clear, and he should know that I was totally willing. Right? That’s how this works.
I put the sleep shirt over my head and then put my shorts on. The other clothes went in my bag, and I stole a few glances at Bennett. So damn quiet. Adalyn coming out of the bathroom didn’t fix it, and he hurried in after she left.
Adalyn watched him scurry, and she looked back at me, her eyes big. “What was that?” she whispered.
I shrugged. “I don’t know what’s up with him,” I said, matching her volume. “I think I make him uncomfortable.”
She snorted, getting into her bed with such a smug look on her face. “Well, look at this. I’m not the most naïve one in the room for once.”
“Huh?” My brow furrowed.
When the bathroom door opened, she closed her mouth and lay on her side, facing away from us. I guess she was done for the time being. Super for me.
After I got into bed, I lay on my back until I felt Bennett slide under the blankets. His warm body was right next to mine, and I very much wanted to roll over and spoon him. He would have been the little spoon, but I thought that would have been pleasant. I didn’t do it, somehow.
I faced him, wishing that he would do the same. This wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be—like I’d read in books or seen on TV. They all made it look like the first time you had feelings for someone was amazing and magical. This gave me knots in my stomach as much as it made me happy. It was the oddest thing because I couldn’t say that I wished it were different. That I wished I didn’t want him as I did. I was glad because the bad was worth the good. I liked how I felt when he smiled at me or said my name. Why did it feel good even when it was bad?
I thought a lot about that, the good and bad feelings that I had. Did Riley feel this stuff with Wilson? She never told me. I knew that he was a little difficult about being with her because he didn’t want to take advantage. Why did everyone see us as so fragile? Paperdolls… We were so easy to tear.
The room was pitch black, and I didn’t like the darkness. My room at The Dollhouse had been like this. As black as could be and so, so quiet. It always felt quieter on the nights Master would come for me. When he held me down in bed, and I couldn’t move. Smothered and trapped. I was smothered and trapped.
“Layla?” Bennett whispered. “What’s wrong?”
What? What was he talking about? I was fine. Just breathing a little heavy. Shaking a little. I had to be cold. Yeah, I was chilly. I got cold easily.
“I’m fine,” I said, and my voice shook from how cold I was. Even my cheeks were cold. I brushed them with my hand, and it came back wet. I was so cold that my eyes watered.
“Shh,” Bennett said as he pulled me to his chest. “Please, don’t be sad.”
What? I wasn’t sad. I tried to tell him that, but when I opened my mouth, nothing would come out. He hushed me again and held me tight in his arms. Not trapping me. Holding me. It felt different in every single way, and I wasn’t cold anymore. I settled, and I rested my head on the pillow again. Bennett’s arm stayed around me, but I had space to move.
I was still shaking when I fell asleep.
o, this was terrifying. The previous day had been spent meeting all the people running the event. They told us our cues and when we would go on, but we were meeting some of the other women that were speaking today. The speeches were written and tested out on the boys. They seemed to approve, so there was that.
The space was so big, and it seated five hundred. Five hundred people braver than we were, all watching us talk. How was I supposed to get in front of them and tell my story when they’d all lived through hell worse than I could imagine? I seemed so small in comparison. Decades of abuse for some of these people, and they all got out. Who the fuck was I? Why did I deserve to share this stage?
“When do you think we meet the woman running this place?” Adalyn asked, leaning to me as we stood on the side of the stage, watching everything get set up.
Keen Kelly had been busy with everything this last day, but we were told that we would meet her before the event started. Everyone else had been wonderful, but they weren’t survivors. She was.
“I don’t know,” I responded, looking to Riley. “Do you think she’ll be too busy?”
“No,” she said with confidence, lifting her head higher to see behind some things. Her hands were neatly folded in front of her, and she looked the picture of calm. “She’ll come. There’s so much to do.”
True. We had two hours before it started. We were all dressed, and our hair was done. Riley wore white, I dressed in black, and Adalyn chose gray. We decided that simple was the way to go.
The boys were in the hotel, uninvited to this part of it. Wilson had some calls to make, and Bennett had work to do, so it wasn’t so bad. I got texts from Bennett, checking up on me. He’d been acting extra protective since the first night in the hotel, constantly asking how I was. It was sweet, but it worried me.
One of the lackey guys came up to the three of us, clipboard in hand. His name was Charles, and he always smelled like Kit Kat bars. He was about Riley’s height and always frantically shuffling from one foot to the other. Like a dance. The middle-aged man had about three pencils in his dark hair, and I got the feeling he was anxious.
“You doing okay?” I asked with raised eyebrows.
“Yeah.” He nodded like for ten seconds. “Yeah. I mean, the food for the gathering after isn’t here yet, but it’s fine.” He whimpered and looked at his clipboard. “Fine.”
Riley spoke softly, leaning forward. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
He nodded again. “Yeah. Keen told me to tell you to head backstage. She wanted to meet you and introduce you to a few people. You good?”
My heart hit my ribs.
My palms felt sweaty. We’d been hearing for a whole day about the founder of the Amber Grace foundation. She’d named it after her sister, who had been killed when they were only ten years old. They were farm girls, and their father was a cruel drunk. Their mother was long gone by then, and that was very unfortunate for them.
Their father liked to take out his anger on them in about every way that one could hurt a little girl. It was… the hardest thing I’d ever had to hear. But I listened to every word of it.
Her sis
ter was playing outside on an overcast morning. Work needed to be done, but her father decided to have a little too much to drink for breakfast. Long and heartbreaking story short, he didn’t see her behind his tractor. She died, and he blamed the tractor, saying to the police that it didn’t work right, and she must have been messing around in it, forgot to turn it off, and then was killed. Keen was too little to really understand what happened at the time. There was nothing she could do.
She spent more than twenty years with that man hurting her. Beating her, screaming at her, calling her names, giving her every reason to want to break down and give up. But she didn’t do that. She got out, and she got her sister the justice she deserved. The man died years ago, rotting in prison. It wouldn’t bring Amber back, but it was as much as her sister could do.
And I had to stand in front of that woman and be compared to her. Yes, I’d been beaten, and yes, I’d been a prisoner. But it wasn’t my father who hurt me. I couldn’t imagine that pain. Someone who was supposed to love you and who you trusted betraying you in that way. How did she stand so tall?
“I’m nervous,” I admitted once my sisters and I were alone again. “What do we even say to her?”
Adalyn looked at me, dubious. “Umm… maybe about why we’re here, Layla.”
It sounded so obvious, but I didn’t want the woman to look at us like we shouldn’t be here because it felt so much like that already. Like we were frauds somehow. I wanted to run home.
Riley tugged on my hand, leading me right to where I was afraid to go. And we saw the woman behind the curtain. She looked so important, standing at the center of so many people. Keen wore a deep blue dress suit. The woman stood at almost six feet tall, and her salt and pepper hair was cut to her ears. Professional looking glasses sat on her nose, and she looked so… brave. Brave and strong and everything I wasn’t.
“Girls,” she said with the biggest smile on her face when she saw us.
The other people who surrounded her turned as well, and then there were five sets of eyes on us. All three of us flinched, and gathered closer.
