by Carré White
Colton’s hand started shaking on Lottie’s back, but when she reached back and patted him, he calmed. “No reason to say anything,” she said. “We both know how you feel.”
“No, no, that won’t do at all,” Colton said. “You two gave me something I never knew I lost. Between the two of you, I learned what it was to have a,” he gulped, “a father. And,” his voice went wobbly. He had to clear his throat again.
“Thank you, Colton,” Will said. “I don’t think you need any fathering, but if that’s how you see me, I’m proud to be such.”
“And Lottie,” Colton said, nodding to Will in appreciation. “Lottie, I... I don’t know quite how to say this, but you’ve taught me what it is to...” he gulped again. “What it is to fall in love.”
Lottie gasped, smiling so brightly the corners of her mouth ached.
Will gave Colton a knowing nod that said more than any words ever could.
“Both of you, you’ve made me feel like I have a family. A family I never really had,” he said, curling his fingers against Lottie’s back.
She gave him another squeeze, patted his arm, and pulled away. “I’ve got to tend the pots,” she said with a smile.
“Pots? Lottie, what did you get yourself up to?”
“You’ll see,” she said. “I’m not sure how it’ll all turn out, but I think you’ll like it. I found some yams, some beans, corn, rice, peppers... it’s all a little thrown together, but I think it’ll turn out okay. The only thing I’m missing is—”
“A bird? I can’t believe you didn’t notice what’s sitting on the back porch.” Colton grinned down at her. “It’s not the biggest turkey I’ve ever seen, but it was a stroke of luck that I found it anyway. Hard to see those things in the middle of the night.”
“You old dog you,” William said with a wheezing laugh. “When did you go far enough south to find a turkey?”
“Man’s got to have his secrets,” Colton said. “No, I had my suspicions about Lottie’s plans when I found a couple of jars of candied plums in the barn. I suppose it may have been an ill-informed decision, but I took Ernie out last night and hunted up that tom along the brush-line down south about ten miles or so.”
“Now I’m the one freeloading,” William laughed. “I can’t believe you two.”
With his arm around Lottie’s waist, Colton pulled her close. “It’s the least I could do for you two. I wanted to do something special to show you how much I appreciate the kindness you’ve shown me.”
“I just can’t believe it!” Lottie was almost in tears she was smiling so broadly. “It all came together, didn’t it?”
For a moment the three of them stood in silence.
“There’s... one thing though,” Colton said as soon as Lottie pulled away to go back to the other end of the house. “I lied about something else.”
Her face suddenly darkened. “Colton, what could it be? Nothing serious? I hope it’s...”
“My uncle,” he said. “The ranger? Preston Grant? He’s not my uncle. He’s my step-father, and he’s had it out for me ever since...”
Outside, something creaked and whined with a pained noise as the wind picked up.
“But if he wasn’t,” Lottie swallowed. “What are you saying?”
“This is hard for me to say,” he said.
“Get it out!” Lottie spun around. “You told me we were finished with the lies and whatever else. You said—”
Colton put his hands up, deflecting her rage. “I did, and... I’m sorry. But, I just,” he let out a sigh. “I never thought it would matter is all.”
“Then why are you saying anything now? We can’t do this, whatever it is, if we’re not going to be honest with each other.”
He thought for a moment. “I’m saying it because I want you to know me. I want you to be a part of my life like no one else ever has. Lottie,” he grabbed her hand.
Her voice grew tense and she clenched his shirt. “Then why do you keep lying to me, Colton?” she said. “Why can’t you just be honest with me? With us? What is it about me that keeps you from being open?”
“Because,” he said, taking a deep breath.
“Why?” she shouted. “Why can’t you just tell the—”
“Because I don’t want to admit to anyone that my own father blames me for killing my brother, okay? Because I can’t handle that!”
Lottie’s mouth fell open. Colton took a deep breath, held it in and turned away.
“And I didn’t want that to get between us. I didn’t... mean for this to happen. Any of it.”
Sniffing, Lottie turned away from him, going back to the kitchen. “Well, Colton, it did.” She stuffed her hands in the pockets on her apron.
~*~
Hours passed with only a few words between Colton and William as Lottie continually clanked and clanged away in the kitchen, never once emerging. When she first disappeared to the back of the house, Colton offered to pluck the turkey, but she just put her hand on his chest and shook her head.
Of all the things he’d done, all his regrets, somehow, the one he wanted most to reverse was coming clean on a lie. If only he’d kept quiet, if only he’d stayed dishonest about this one thing that, thinking about it, Colton knew never mattered, they’d all be sipping wine and laughing.
Just as his guilt threatened to overwhelm Colton’s better senses, William said, “You know, you were doing really well there for a second with what we talked about earlier.”
“What we talked about? I can’t imagine I was doing much good with anything just then.”
William shook his head. “You’re upset, she’s upset I mean, about a lie you made back before you knew her. She’ll cool off.” He reached across the table, pushed the half-empty mug aside and grabbed Colton’s hand. “You keep talking about how I’m like a father to you, huh?”
“Yes sir, I suppose so,” Colton said. “I can’t believe I made such a mess of—”
“All right, enough of that. No one ever got anywhere feeling sorry for themself, and especially not with someone like her,” he tilted his head toward the kitchen, just as the heavy stove door slammed shut and Lottie grunted.
Instinctually, Colton stood up, but Will held him fast. “Let her be,” he said. “You can’t force anything. You can’t make her come around faster. All you can do is stay calm and say you’re sorry.”
“But if I do that, then—”
“Which one of us knows her better?” William cut in. “Hmm?”
“You. It just goes against every fiber of my being to sit here like a toad and do nothing,” Colton said, his voice tired and worn.
The older man laughed and scratched at his three day beard. “Seems to me that you were also against the idea of sharing your feelings with my daughter, weren’t you? That worked out fine.”
He paused for a moment. “Look here,” William pushed himself up in his chair and leaned forward over the table. “I’ve never seen her eyes light up like that over a turkey before. She don’t care about that bird, she cares that you bothered to do it. My little girl’s been lonelier than anything for the past year. All her friends? Gone. Everyone she knows? Gone. She’s got nothing here. She wants to leave. She has for months, probably longer, but she won’t because she knows how much I love it here.”
“Sounds like Lottie,” Colton grumbled. “But she told me you two had decided to leave come spring.”
William nodded. “We did, that’s true. Doesn’t mean I like the idea. Doesn’t mean I want to leave behind everything I’ve ever known for the best part of my life and go off on some adventure across the country to California,” he said it with a dramatic, whispered flair, “or wherever else.”
“So you’re just gonna stay?”
Behind them, Lottie slammed something onto a counter top and cracked a bone. Both men winced.
“Of course I’m not. How could I do such a thing? I’ll go, no matter how badly I want to stay in my home. I know how useless it is to stay, I know how foolish a
dream I’ve got that the people of this nothing little town are coming back.”
“What if they do though?” Colton said. “No danger of the War coming this way, from what I heard in Kansas. It’s all going east.”
William puffed out his cheeks and blew. “Anything’s possible,” he said. “But I’m not holding my breath for fear of smothering.”
Colton reached out and took up his long since cooled cup of wine, took a sip, and sucked on the end of the cinnamon stick.
A foot emerged from the kitchen followed by Lottie who was precariously balancing three platters.
“Oh good Lord,” Colton said, pushing back from the table in a huff. “Ask for help when you’re in a way like this!”
He grabbed the top dish. The scent of crispy-skinned baked potatoes, dried herbs and butter hit his nose and almost made him swoon. When Lottie tottered again, he snapped back to his senses and grabbed the sweet potatoes.
Stunned, he slowly made his way to the table, entranced by the sticky sweet smell of molasses and nutmeg.
“There’s more,” Lottie said, turning back to the kitchen.
Colton paused for a moment until William shot him a glance. “Speaking of wasted chances,” he said. “Go on and help her.”
As he made his way to the back of the house, the young man was briefly enthralled by the sun, which had somehow grown low on the horizon as he talked with William. The orange light sparkled across the ice-capped snow like crystals dancing on a silver lake.
Behind him, Will groaned with pleasure, as he chewed a stolen preview of the yams.
Everything stood still. Time seemed to vanish, to melt away.
Lottie turned to him from the stove. “Are you going to take this plate? It’s your fault this turkey is—”
“Damn it Lottie, I love you!”
William slowly set his fork down and tried to quiet his enthusiastic moaning.
Lottie dropped her fork.
Then her knife fell to the ground, stuck point-down momentarily, and toppled.
She opened her mouth to respond, then closed it, then opened it again. “I,” she gulped. “I, uh, don’t...”
“You don’t have to say anything,” he said. “It doesn’t matter. Nothing does. I can’t help myself. I can’t keep from lying when I don’t mean to, from running away from my problems, but this time I’m not running. I stand here open to you, bared to God and everyone. I know I made a mess of things, but whatever it takes, I’ll prove to you that I mean what I say.”
William smiled and nodded slowly. He saw in his daughter’s face that she wanted to respond. “If you two would like me to take a spell outside, I can.”
“No,” Colton said. “You’re as much a part of this as we are. I want to take your daughter away, but I’m not going to do anything that will hurt you, not after the kindness you’ve shown me. I’m through with hurting people for my own good.”
Quickly he closed the distance between himself and Lottie, who still stood with her mouth wide open, staring at Colton. He grabbed her arms, and looked straight into her eyes. “Lottie.”
“Yes?” she breathed, almost silently.
“I’m not going to let you down. Give me another chance, and I’ll prove it.”
He let go of her, grabbed two of the last three platters, and returned to the table, leaving her standing there, shaking.
Even though he wanted to keep talking, to draw out the last of his feelings; even though Colton wanted to explain every last detail of what he meant and to explain everything away and not stop until he knew she accepted him, he didn’t.
He said what he could. He made one more promise, and it was up to her whether or not to believe him.
In the other room, the floorboards creaked lightly as he sat down.
“You did all you could,” her father said in a voice that wasn’t meant for Lottie’s ears. “She’ll see that you mean it.”
~*~
“Okay,” Lottie said after several minutes of content, silent chewing passed. “Okay, I understand what’s going on. I know what you’re both getting at.”
Her father wiped a bit of gravy off the side of his mustache and quirked an eyebrow. “Pardon? This is incredible, by the way. I’ve not a clue in the world how you turned a can of peaches and yams into a cake, but I envy the man who takes you as a wife. Especially if he takes you somewhere that you can find a reliable source of things to cook what don’t come out of a cellar.”
That hung in the air for a moment.
Lottie coughed to hide a laugh. “Well that’s quite a compliment, I think,” she said. “But thank you nonetheless. It was nothing, really. The Jenkins house had so much food in the cellar that I could hardly go wrong.”
“But you put it all together,” Colton said. “You took a bunch of preserves and turned it into a feast. You took that skinny turkey I hunted, and produced this... Lottie,” he said. “I’ve never had anything that made me feel like this does.”
The three of them chewed in peace for what seemed to be hours. Every so often, Colton or William threw a tidbit to one of the roving chickens, or someone bent to scratch Rolf. Everything, it seemed, was just as it should be. Everything was at peace.
Outside, no wind blew, no more snow fell. Nothing but the endless calm, the frozen beauty of the snow and the settled ice, surrounded Colton, who was afraid of his own fear, Lottie, who was afraid of loneliness, and William, who feared for his daughter and for moving anywhere away from home in his old age.
Somehow, the three of them brought each other comfort and peace.
As the glasses were emptied and the plates were cleaned and the bones fed to the animals, serenity unlike any that Lottie, Colton or William had ever known descended and held them like a blanket.
No one wanted to break the spell. No one wanted to be at fault for disturbing the uneasy peace.
“When do you suppose we should start to get ready?” Lottie asked. “You know, for the spring, I mean. You’re still willing to leave, aren’t you?”
“I’m as good as my word, Lottie,” her father said. “If I say something, I mean it. No matter how much I wish it was you two going instead of you two dragging my old bones around.”
She looked at him as though she was about to open her mouth, but then paused and quieted. Colton just looked on, watching the two of them. He had a sense of the gravity that was hanging in the room, and that he was, as close as they’d gotten, still an outsider looking in.
“I can’t go,” Lottie said. “I can’t drag you away from a life you want, pa. If you want to stay, I want to stay, I—”
“This isn’t your life, Lottie. Yours is somewhere else.” He stood up and jabbed at the fire to occupy his hands, and let him have something to look at that wasn’t his daughter’s pained face. “It took me a long time to come to that, and maybe, deep down, I still haven’t. But you’ve got a whole life ahead of you. You’ve got him,” he said with a smile.
Lottie looked down and realized that she’d unconsciously slid her hand underneath Colton’s arm as he sat next to her, patiently listening to everything going on. Her next glance was to his face, where she saw that what her father said was undeniably true.
“But we can’t leave you alone. I mean,” she sucked a frustrated breath. “What I mean is that I can’t leave you alone. Not out here with no one around. What if something should happen? What if you should,” she had to turn away.
When she did, Lottie turned into Colton’s chest, instinctually hiding her face in his flannel. “I just couldn’t handle that,” she mumbled. “I couldn’t help knowing that I left you all alone all the way out here in the middle of nowhere.”
Outside, a sort of unnerved, unsure scuffling scratched on the porch. Colton seemed to be the only person to notice, but couldn’t see much of anything on account of the fogged up windows.
“What if they came back?” William said. “Not all of them,” he added quickly, anticipating Lottie’s next question. “I have no illusions that w
ill ever happen. But someone – anyone. What if there was someone else here? Would you feel so bad about leaving if someone else was here with me?”
Lottie sniffed and pulled her face away from Colton’s chest. “You mean living here? In the house?”
“No, no,” he laughed. “I might be clever but I’m not wily enough to lure some poor woman into my clutches. I just mean in town. What if some Almos natives came back? Would you feel so trapped then?”
“I’m not trapped, I’m—”
William cut his daughter off with a grin. “What if?”
Puffing out her lips, “Well I suppose then it wouldn’t—”
The scuffling out front turned to a chattering of voices. “Knock on the door, Irma,” one voice said. “You sent William that letter, I presume. He must’ve gotten it by now.”
Lottie looked back and forth. “What was that?” she said.
“Knock on the door! It’s cold! It’s Christmas, of course they’re in there. Can’t you see the fire?”
“Don’t you boss me, Robert. I’ve had about enough of that for a lifetime.”
As he stood to open the door, William looked back at the two stunned faces sitting opposite. “I suppose that just about solves that problem, doesn’t it?”
“Oh! Hello there Will,” Robert Jenkins said, grabbing his old friend’s hand, then pulling him in for a hug. “I thought we’d never be back this way. War’s gone east though, and with it, all the money we made selling blankets to soldiers out Louisiana way.” The two old men grabbed one another’s shoulders and laughed.
Colton stood, shook hands with both of the newcomers.
“This must be Colton,” Irma Jenkins said with a sly smile. “The dashing man whose come to take little Lottie away from Almos, eh?” She had a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “Certainly is a fine looking man, no doubt. Nice arms, too! Bet he can swing an axe quite nicely, hmm?”
Lottie laughed as Colton blushed furiously, but then she realized what was just said. “Take me away?” Lottie almost choked. “What’s that to mean?”
