by K. Webster
My chest, neck, and face burn bright red. Tad gives me a knowing smirk, but Leesa won’t look at me.
“Yes, ma’am,” I murmur.
“Cut them some slack,” Tad says, running his fingers through Kit’s curls. “You remember how chaotic love was in those early days, honey.”
They share a look that’s heavy with emotion and friendship. It’s no wonder they have five children.
“I promise I’ll do better next time,” I vow.
Next time.
Another promise.
Leesa finally meets my stare. “I’ll hold you to that promise.”
My back straightens and I nod. “I won’t let you down.”
“This isn’t awkward or anything,” Kit rasps out.
“If you stop trying to give me a heart attack every chance you get, maybe I won’t embarrass you in front of your boyfriend,” Leesa teases him.
With each passing moment, he begins to feel better. Once they’ve checked his numbers every fifteen minutes for an hour, they finally leave him be so they can go back to bed. Kit gets up and takes a bathroom break. A short while later, he comes back with my pill bottle in his hand. Accusation burns hot in his eyes and his jaw clenches.
I look away.
The bed sinks down with his weight and he curls around me. His palm splays over my chest as he sighs.
“Talk to me, Jasper.”
My lungs seize and my tongue swells as anxiety creeps through me—wild and electric. He must sense my sudden tension because he kisses my neck and tells me to breathe. Once I’ve calmed my erratic heart, I work up the nerve to speak.
“I, uh, I’m sad.” Tears sting at my eyes. “That’s a lie. Kit, I’m destroyed.”
He squeezes me tight. “Julian?”
My brother’s name on his lips has a sob whining out of me.
“I…we’re twins. We were supposed to live and die together.”
His fingers are gentle as he swipes them over my wet cheek. “I can’t imagine the pain.”
“I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy,” I breathe. “It’s suffocating and maddening. Mom took me to the doctors because of my depression, but nothing can help the pain I feel.” I pause. “Well, you did.”
Kit sits up on his elbow and stares down at me, his Jolly Rancher green apple eyes probing into me as he chews on his pink, pink strawberry bottom lip.
“The day we met,” I continue, “I was going to do it. Swallow all the pills. Just after physics class.”
“But you didn’t,” he whispers.
“You made me stay.”
His lips curl into the happiest grin I’ve ever seen on him. A silly, warm smile that has the power to numb all the aching sorrow within me. I smile back because I have to. Because I want to.
“I’m glad you didn’t go through with it,” Kit murmurs. “I’m glad you’re here now.”
Tears once again flood my eyes. “I told myself I’d do it today. All week it’s been a dreadful countdown. I had them in my hand, but then you called to me…” I blink away more tears. “You needed me.”
“I’ll always need you,” Kit says, his eyebrows knitting together. “And so will your parents. Your new siblings, too. The pain you’re going through is hard right now, but it’ll ease with time. But…if you take those pills and end your life, you’re only going to spread that pain like a fatal infection.”
I search his eyes, needing answers. “But it hurts.”
“It’ll hurt more for your parents to have to bury another son.” He strokes his fingers through my hair. “It’ll hurt me to finally find a beautiful boy with a kind heart who cares about my health and well-being only to have him torn away from me.”
“But Julian’s all alone.”
“Wherever Julian is, he’ll be ready for you when the time is right. Do you really think your brother would want you to leave your parents for him?”
“No,” I say with a raspy chuckle.
“What would he say? If he were here right now?”
Imagining my brother here, wearing his smug smirk, lifts my spirits and brings another smile to my face. “He’d tell me to stop being a dumbass.”
“Your brother sounds like a smart guy.” He leans forward, pressing a kiss to my lips. “Can you tell me about him? The things no one else knew?”
I frown, studying his features. Everyone wants to forget or so it seems. They want to move on. No one wants to remember all the good, funny, wonderful things about Julian.
“He always went through these phases where he wanted to learn something new. It used to drive me crazy. Unlike me with music, he wasn’t satisfied with just liking football. He wanted to know how to do every sport. When he was pretty proficient at practically all of them, then he wanted to learn how to play an instrument. Or dance.” I laugh, shaking the whole bed. “He tried hard to convince Mom to sign him up for ballet. I teased him endlessly for it.”
“A big football player in a tutu. Now that I would pay money to see,” Kit teases.
“Once he decided he was going to be a chef like Gordon Ramsay. Every time he was in the kitchen, he would speak in a British accent and curse every time he messed something up. He told Mom he wanted to go to culinary school and to have his own cooking show.”
“She sounds like she had her hands full with him.” Kit chuckles. “Let me guess. You were the easygoing twin?”
“He drove her nuts with his new ideas, but she loved him for it. We all did. I enjoyed watching him rile her up and making her laugh. It’s what Julian did. He was always the star, bright and shining.”
“He sounds like a great guy,” Kit says. “I’m sad I never got to meet him. Who knows, maybe I could have dated twins. Mom would really have a heart attack then.”
I chuckle, playfully tickling his ribs. “He was straight. Plus, you’re mine. I would’ve fought him off you.”
“I don’t know. If he showed up in a tutu offering to make me dinner while speaking in a British accent, you would’ve had some stiff competition.”
We both laugh.
It feels good speaking about Julian like he’s here. Remembering the good, fun stuff about him. Sharing that with someone.
“Jasper?”
“Yeah, Kit?”
“Tonight…what happened. You can’t do that again. You need to talk to your parents about it. If you want, I can be there when you do. It’s not okay. Those feelings and that desire is not okay.”
“I know.”
“You’ll talk to them?”
“Yeah. I just hate to put that on them. Mom especially since the babies are coming.”
“You’re their son. They’ll want you to confide in them. They’ll want to help you.”
I know he’s right.
“I’m afraid to see the disappointment in their eyes,” I whisper. “I don’t want to let them down.”
“They love you. I promise they’ll be there to support you one hundred percent.”
My feelings for Kit are overwhelming. A surge of happiness explodes through me. I need to touch him. To kiss him. I press my lips to his, a sweet kiss at first, but then I plunge my tongue into his mouth, needing to taste him. He groans as we kiss with urgency. Had he not called out to me earlier, I would’ve swallowed those pills. I would’ve missed this kiss. I would’ve missed a whole lot.
Kit pulls away, his pupils dilated and he’s panting for air. “Jasper.”
“Mmm?” I lean forward for a kiss, but he clutches my jaw, stopping me.
“I want you to stay. I need you to promise.”
“For how long?”
“Until the very end. Decades and decades away.”
That’s a long time to wait to see Julian, but it’s also a lot of time to spend kissing Kit.
“I’ll stay,” I vow, my eyes locking with his.
The next kiss I give him is filled with promise. I can practically taste the binding oath of it. I can’t leave this earth. Not when people like Kit would miss me.
Julian will wait for me.
When I finally see him and he asks me what took so long, I’ll say, “He made me stay.” My brother will get it. He’ll understand. And then he’ll take me on an adventure in the afterlife, showing me all the dark corners he’s lit up there. I’ll experience every single one with him.
Until then, I have to be like Julian.
Love hard.
Learn every day like it’s my last.
Stay strong.
Jasper
September 30
It’s bittersweet as I blow out my eighteen candles. Julian’s not here to blow them out with me. I have to do it alone for the first time in my entire life.
But I’m not alone.
Sitting at my table are Kit, my parents, and my twin brother and sister who were born five days ago. I took my last pill this morning. Anxiety crept up as I swallowed it down. I’d made it an entire month without wanting to take them all at once. The sadness was still there, but the detachment from this world was missing.
Now, I crave each day.
I need to kiss Kit or hold the babies or talk to my parents.
All the ties tethering me here that I’d worked so hard to clip are now back in place, thick and tied tight.
Dr. York has been helpful in reminding me of my reasons to stay. After the night I’d admitted to Kit I’d wanted to take my life, we had a long talk with my parents the next day. Leesa came along too, offering her guidance and support. Though a lot of tears were shed, we came together as a team on how to help me.
Therapy with Dr. York.
Additional meds.
Talking out my feelings.
The small changes in my life have had a big impact. I have Kit to thank for that. The boy with his bouncy, curly hair, his pink, pink strawberry lips I love to kiss, and his green apple Jolly Rancher eyes. He strolled into my life, dug his hooks into me, and never let go.
I owe him my life.
I owe him everything.
My small birthday party is one filled with love and laughter. Once my parents get the twins down and retreat for the night, I bring Kit to my room. He sits on Julian’s bed and watches me as I undress.
“Getting in your birthday suit?” he asks, his lips quirking up on one side.
“My boyfriend promised to make love to me,” I tease back.
Boyfriends.
Better than a thing.
Boyfriends are everything.
I completely strip down and then stroke my dick. His green eyes are burning with intensity as he watches. I’ve wanted to have sex with him for weeks now, but he’s insisted I’m not ready for him yet. When I was with Henry, I bottomed and I liked it. It’s been a while, though, and Kit has just spent our time together prepping me for this moment.
I’m more than prepped.
I’m aching and eager for him.
“Sit down on the bed,” he murmurs, his voice husky. “I want to suck you off first.”
A grin tugs at my lips. I’m more than eager to obey his command. Kit might be shorter than me, but he’s the more confident of the two of us. He thrives on taking control of any situation. With us, he leads us where we want to go, but he’s gentle about it.
It’s one of the things I love about him.
“What?” Kit asks as he approaches, peeling off his T-shirt.
I groan when I skim my gaze down his chest, marveling at how lickable he always is. “You’re so hot.”
“That’s your ‘Kit is a stud’ look,” he says with a laugh. “But the one before wasn’t.”
“That was my ‘I’m in love with this guy’ look.”
Kit kneels before me, looking up with an expression that threatens to make my heart explode. “Hmm, does it look like this one?”
He loves me too.
“Absolutely,” I breathe.
Our mouths meet for a quick kiss and then he’s pulling away to kiss me elsewhere. My chest. My stomach. My thighs. My dick.
His lips wrap around my thickness and he eagerly swallows me down his tight, hot throat. I’m insanely desperate for everything he’ll give to me. I caress his scalp and toy with his curls as he gives me a blowjob that sets my soul on fire. It doesn’t take much attention from his tongue before I’m coming with a grunt. He swallows me down and then pops off, rewarding me with a sinful smile.
“Get on the bed,” he rumbles, frantically yanking at the button on his cargo pants.
I scoot back, eagerly watching him undress. Once he has his insulin pump unclipped and in his hand after fully undressing, he climbs into bed with me, sitting on his knees between my parted thighs.
“Supplies,” he murmurs, nodding to the end table. “Hurry, Jasper. My dick needs to be inside you.”
My hands shake with excitement as I grab the lube and a condom. He rips open the foil before sheathing his length. Then, he uncaps the lube to pour it on his fingers. He rubs it all over his cock and then slicks his slippery fingers over my hole. I clench in anticipation.
“Relax, quark.”
I smile and then ease the tension in my muscles. His finger slips inside with only a pinch of discomfort. As much as I’d begged for him to fuck me, I’m glad we’ve been working up to it. He drives his finger in and out of me until I’m ready for another one. With each thrust of his fingers, he stretches and readies my body. My dick jolts back to life when he rubs against my prostate.
“Too much,” I groan, reaching to grab my hardening dick.
“Nothing you can’t handle.” He flashes me a wicked grin. “I want to see you come again before I’m inside of you.”
His words are filthy and I love them. I shamelessly yank at my dick in tandem with the way he presses against my prostate. Each rub and nudge has me flying closer to the edge.
“I’m going to—” My words are cut short as I moan with my abrupt orgasm. Cum shoots up my stomach, soaking my flesh.
Kit’s eyes are filled with delight as he runs his fingers through my cum. In a dirty way that makes me fall harder for this guy, he starts rubbing my cum all over his dick until it’s covered with my release. It’s so fucking hot. I want to suck every last bit of myself off him, but he’s already on the move. Pressing the tip of his hard cock against my hole. Easing into me. I suck in a breath when our eyes meet. His are filled with love and passion and the thrill of having me this way. I grab the back of his neck, pulling him to me for a searing kiss. His dick drives into me inch by blissful inch until he’s fully seated.
“Oh, fuck,” Kit murmurs. “You feel amazing.”
“So do you.”
We kiss hard, but he thrusts into me gently. Almost like he’s teasing me. When I can’t take it anymore, I resort to begging.
Harder. Harder. Harder.
He begins to lose control, thrusting into me with more power than before, his movements erratic and uneven. Sweat drips from him, splashing me like drops of rain.
With a sharp hiss of breath, Kit comes hard. He rotates his hips as he climaxes, as though he can prolong the feeling that way. Eventually, his dick stops throbbing and he collapses on me.
I hug him tight, kissing his sweaty hair and thanking him over and over for making me stay.
“We need to get cleaned up and check your levels,” I remind him.
He groans in protest but rolls off me. I climb out of bed and set to cleaning him up. It’s a struggle, but I manage to help him put back on his underwear.
“You want to go watch a movie?” I ask as I slide on my boxers.
“No.”
“Okay. Maybe we could—”
“I’m fucking tired,” he snaps. “Can we just rest?”
“Let me check your readings.”
“I’m a grown-ass man.” His body trembles. “Let me go to sleep.”
“Kit—”
“I have a headache. Please, Jasper. Just be quiet and let me sleep it off.”
I throw on my clothes and then make my way to the kitchen. We have juice boxes I keep on hand now for Kit. I grab one and then a banana. Once I reach my
room, I sit down next to him. He’s pallid and still sweaty. In the same position I left him.
“I think you need to eat. At least check and see.”
“I’m not hungry. I don’t feel good.” His words are fatigued as he mumbles them into the pillow.
“If you don’t check your levels, I’ll call your mom,” I threaten, hating that I have to be this way. “Now, Kit.”
No response.
“Kit.”
Panic swells up inside of me. Quickly, I call Leesa.
“Hello? Is Kit okay?” she demands in greeting.
“I, uh, he’s acting weird. I want him to check his levels and he refuses.” My body trembles with worry. “What do I do?”
“Let me talk to him.”
“Kit? Your mom wants to talk to you?” I pull the pillow away from him. His features are slack. “Kit!”
“What is it?” Leesa screeches.
“He’s…I think he’s unconscious. He can’t have fallen asleep that fast. Something’s wrong.”
“Tad,” she bellows. “Call nine-one-one. Jasper, honey, listen carefully. Is his bag nearby?”
I scramble off the bed to grab it. “I have it.”
“Unzip it. There’s a smaller bag that’s his glucagon emergency kit. I need you to find the vial of powder in there labeled glucagon. Flip off the seal of the vial.”
I root around until I find it. “Okay, I have it.”
“Remove the needle cover from one of his syringes in that pouch. Got it?” She waits for my confirmation to continue. “I want you to insert the needle into the rubber stopper, then inject the entire contents of the syringe into the powder vial. Remove the syringe and then swirl the vial around so it mixes up until it becomes clear like water.”
“It’s clear,” I say, my voice shaking.
“Now put the needle back into the vial. Turn it upside down and slowly withdraw all the liquid. Make sure to use one of the alcohol swabs to clean a site on his thigh.” She sighs heavily. “Now you need to inject him.”
“I’m afraid I’ll hurt him.”
“You won’t. I’ll walk you through it.”
Despite the terror roaring in my ears, I manage to follow her instructions, depressing the contents into his thigh.
“Please roll him over to his side now,” Leesa instructs. “If he vomits, I don’t want him to choke on it. Stay with him.”
