So while the idea of him not being a car ride or a phone call away felt like a knife in my gut, I understood. I knew that the only reason he hadn’t left his drunk of a mother was because I was still here, three houses away. Now that I was going to be four hours away attending college, I knew Luke viewed this as his chance to get out of our little town and finally make something of himself. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less. His leaving was going to hurt almost as much as losing my parents. That’s how close we were. The consolation I had was that he’d at least come back to me.
“I understand,” I finally conceded, even though I didn’t want to. “But I swear to God, Lucas Matthew Allen, if you get dead, I am so going to kick your ass.”
His deep chuckle rumbled through me as he pulled me back into his strong arms for another hug. “No worries, Emerson Kristine Grace. I promise you, I won’t get dead.”
“I’m gonna hold you to that, you know.” I smiled up at him for the first time since we started our conversation. Just looking into his eyes made me feel a little lighter—took away some of the anxiety I was feeling… but not all of it.
“I’d expect nothing else, baby girl.”
It had been a week since Luke dropped the bomb that he’d joined the Marines, and it was only a few days until he left to start basic training. I was counting down each hour and trying not to throw up at the thought of him getting hurt. I was with my friend Savannah trying to keep my mind off of all things Luke and military related, which was much harder than I thought it would be. I was supposed to be helping her pack up her closet and throw out all the junk she wouldn’t need to bring to our dorm room when we left for college. But instead, I found myself lying back with my head hanging off her bed, staring into space and getting a massive blood rush to my brain.
“You know, if I’d known you were just going to lay on your fat ass and not help pack, I would’ve asked Jeremy to help me. At least he’s nicer to look at.” She stuck her tongue out at me and threw a balled-up pair of socks at my head.
I laughed and threw them back at her, hitting her right between the eyes. “First of all,” I replied, sitting up to look at my friend, “my ass isn’t fat. It’s JLo-esque.” She let out a snort at my comment even though she knew I was right. I had an awesome booty. “Secondly, I am so much better looking than Jeremy.” Savannah and Jeremy had been an item since Freshman year of high school. To say their relationship was tumultuous was an understatement. The two of them fought more than anyone I’d ever met, but when things were good between them, it was like no one else in the world existed. Things were good at the moment, but that could change quicker than Savannah switched out shoes. And she had a lot of shoes.
“This is true,” she said with a snicker. “But at least Jeremy puts out. You’re just a tease.”
“Touché,” I replied, then fell back to her bed and stare up at her ceiling again. I was trying my hardest to pull myself out of the funk Luke’s leaving was creating, but it was just so damn hard.
“Seriously, Emmy, get the hell up and help me pack, or I’m not gonna be your roommate.”
I let out an annoyed groan as I dragged myself off her bed. “Fine. But I don’t want to hear you bitching if some of your shoes just happen to disappear. You don’t need this many pairs anyway.” I reached into Savannah’s closet, pulled out my favorite pair of black and white Chuck Taylors, and proceeded to stuff them into my purse. She just rolled her eyes at me and kept packing. I loved Savannah, and the two of us had been close since the second grade, but the chick had a serious shoe hoarding problem. Not that I was one to complain since I got to reap the benefits of her little obsession and all.
“So when’s Luke heading out?” I could hear the concern in my friend’s voice. She knew how difficult the thought of being away from Luke was for me. Savannah was my best girlfriend, and she completely understood the bond that Luke and I shared.
“Day after tomorrow,” I mumbled. Just thinking about it depressed me and brought back that deep ache in my chest.
“It’ll all work out, Emmy, you’ll see. What with modern technology and all, you guys will be able to communicate at the click of a button. It’s not like you’ll be using carrier pigeons or smoke signals.”
I let out a laugh and threw a shoe at her head. “Smartass.” I appreciated her trying to cheer me up a little by being Suzy Brightside, and I tried to act the part, but I knew I wasn’t pulling it off as well as I’d hoped.
“I know this is tough, but the two of you can email and write letters and Skype. Trust me. It’ll be like he’s right there.” She looked back at me with a genuine smile, making me feel slightly better. One of Savannah’s gifts was making a positive out of most situations. When she wasn’t able to do that, it always helped that she was funny as hell. You couldn’t help but laugh when you were around her.
“You’re right. I know.”
“And you’re going to see him tonight, huh?”
“Yep. He’s taking me out for one last dinner before he heads out.” I was anxious about this dinner. Part of me was excited to be spending one of his last nights here with him, but it was also bittersweet. I looked down at my watch and saw it was a quarter to five. Luke was picking me up at six so I needed to start getting ready. “Speaking of… I should probably book it. Gotta get gussied up.” I blew her a kiss and waved my fingers at her.
Savannah looked around her room at the mess we had made and threw her hands in the air. We had managed to pull the entire contents of her closet out onto her bedroom floor. Not a single thing was in a bag or a box. I really hadn’t succeeded in helping her at all.
“Gotta go,” I said as I raced to her door.
“I hate you, you know,” she yelled after me.
“Love you too, Van!”
***
Luke had taken me to the only nice restaurant in town. It was fancier than my grandmother’s diner but not too fancy that jeans and a nice shirt wouldn’t do. We spent the entire time talking and laughing. We reminisced about our childhood and our friends. It was one of the best nights I’d had with Luke, and as I lay in bed replaying the whole evening over and over, I couldn’t help but feel the weight of his impending departure resting on my chest. We’d just spent our last night together in who knows how long. I felt like such a horrible friend for having to fake my happiness for Luke when it came to his decision to leave. He’d always supported everything I did, and until now, I’d always supported him. I was a terrible friend and I felt so guilty.
I rolled over onto my side and was starting to let the depression take over when I heard the sound of my window being lifted. When I glanced in the direction of the sound, I could easily make out the perfect outline of a body that I knew could only be Luke’s. I instantly tried to remember the last time Luke snuck through my window, but I couldn’t. It had been years.
Luke’s father bailed on him and his mother soon after Luke turned sixteen, and even though his mother never stopped drinking, the physical abuse and Luke’s need to escape his home life left with his father. I’d missed those nights we spent together, but I was thankful that the person who made Luke’s life hell was gone.
I held my breath as the covers were lifted and the bed shifted under Luke’s weight. I finally released it when I felt his arm slide around my waist and pull me into the solid wall of his chest. Chest to back, we laid there for what seemed like hours. Neither of us talking, just being. I knew that out of everything I was going to miss about Luke, his warmth would be what I missed the most. I lay silent and just let the tears flow, knowing they were inevitable. I’d managed to keep them at bay so far, but this was just too much.
“Baby girl, please don’t cry,” Luke whispered into my hair, pulling me tighter to him.
I sucked in a breath and tried to speak around the lump in my throat. “I – I’m sorry. I’m not trying to upset you, I swear.” I twisted in his arms so we were face-to-face. “I just didn’t think I’d be this sad,” I said, giving a weak smile,
trying to make light of my tear-streaked face as I looked into those green eyes. He just stared back at me, not saying a word as he ghosted his fingers across my cheek and down my neck. He’d touched me a million times in the span of our friendship, but for some reason, this seemed different. There was an intimacy in this touch that I’d never felt from him before; it caused my heart to stall before starting again at a faster pace.
I felt him take a deep breath as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I know, Emmy.” He spoke so softly I could barely hear.
“I feel like I’m losing a part of me, Luke. I’m going to miss you so much.”
I felt his breath shudder as if he was trying to hold back his own tears. “I’m going to miss you too, baby girl. More than you know. But you aren’t losing me. You’ll never lose me. I promise.”
That did it. His promise cracked something inside me, and there was no holding back from what I did next. My entire body was swamped with emotion that I had no chance of controlling. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pulled Luke’s face closer to mine and pressed my lips to his. It definitely wasn’t my first kiss, but considering it was the first time with Luke, I felt fear and hope flutter deep down in my belly. I couldn’t lie and say I’d never pictured kissing Luke before, he was one of the hottest guys I knew. I just never had the guts to pursue something other than friendship. But with him leaving, I felt a desperation I’d never experienced. The risk of damaging our friendship disappeared. I felt that if I didn’t show him how I really felt at that very moment, I’d never get the chance again.
I had to kiss him. I had to know what being with him was like. There was no telling how long it would be before I saw him again, and I knew I would hate myself if I didn’t at least try.
Luke froze against my lips momentarily, but when I ran my tongue over his bottom lip, I felt his mouth open and return the kiss with more intensity than I had started with. I rolled onto my back and pulled his warm body on top of mine in a silent plea. Breaking the kiss, Luke looked down into my eyes cautiously, as if he was trying to get answers without asking the questions. Afraid of him pulling away, I wrapped my arms and legs around his strong body and held tight. “Please, Luke,” I whispered. The need I felt for him was so much greater than I ever experienced before.
“Emmy, we can’t. You’ve never…” he started. It was clear he was struggling to do the right thing. I could see the war waging in his beautiful eyes, but I was determined. “Emmy, honey, you deserve so much better than me. Your first time should be with somebody you love.”
I felt the words come up before I could do anything to stop them. “I do love you, Luke. I always have.” I’d never intended to say that, but once it was out there, it just felt right. I just knew this was supposed to happen. I wanted him more than I wanted my next breath.
Luke’s entire body was like stone as he hovered above me. If I was going to get him to realize that we were meant for each other, I knew I had to jump. “Please, Luke. I need you.” I’d reached a point where I didn’t care if I sounded desperate. Everything I was saying was completely true. I needed him more than I’d ever needed anything. I craved him.
Those were the last words either of us said to each other. We let touch say everything else that was left to say between us. As the sun was rising, my body was deliciously sore. Remembering how Luke treated my body, like the most precious thing he’d ever come into contact with, created a deep blush that spread all over my well-loved body. It was pure bliss. What I didn’t know then was that the happiness wouldn’t last. The next day Luke would tear my heart to shreds then disappear from my life for good, leaving nothing but pain and devastation in his wake. Unaware of the future, I fell asleep with a smile.
PAST: WINTER 2006
“I don’t understand. Things have been great between us.”
I couldn’t bring myself to look into Jeremy’s chocolate brown eyes as I ripped both of our hearts to shreds. I was being a total coward, and I knew it, but I reasoned that at least I wasn’t doing it through text or email. Not that it was any consolation at all. I hated myself for what I was doing.
“Things have been strained for a while, Jeremy, you know that,” I replied in a weak voice. How was I ever going to convince him this was what I really wanted when I couldn’t even convince myself?
“That’s bullshit, and you know it, Savannah!”
I recoiled, his tone harsh and louder than I’d ever heard it before. The anger burning in his eyes took me completely by surprise. Jeremy wasn’t an angry person by nature. I’d never seen him the slightest bit violent in all the years that I’d known him. Hell, the man practically never raised his voice a day in his life. Seeing him react with so much emotion was a hard hit on my already shaky resolve.
“Jer,” I whispered, “ever since Emmy—”
He cut me off, slicing his hand through the air. “Don’t.” His voice, low and cold, caused goose bumps to spread over my arms. “Don’t you use what happened to Emmy as a reason to end us. What happened to her was terrible, and my heart broke for her, but that’s not us, Savvy. That wasn’t our loss, so it shouldn’t put a strain on our relationship.”
That wasn’t exactly true. Emmy losing her baby was definitely part of the reason I was ending my relationship with the guy I’d loved since I was fourteen years old. There was no way I could let him know just how I’d let things snowball out of control after watching my friend hit rock bottom. Jeremy would hate me until the day he died if he knew the truth. That was why I had to end things.
It had been two months since I made the decision that ultimately destroyed everything I held dear, and looking at myself in the mirror was getting harder and harder with every passing day. I knew if Jeremy found out what I’d done, he would be as disgusted with me as I already was. That wasn’t a risk I was willing to take. Like I said before, I was a coward.
I made the decision to end things because I couldn’t handle the guilt of what I’d done, and the longer I stayed in the relationship, the harder it was to keep it from Jeremy. This was going to hurt him. I knew that because I was already dying inside. But he’d eventually get over it, and hopefully, we’d be able to be friends again. Breaking up with him was the only way I could keep him in my life without running the risk of him finding out and hating me forever.
I honestly thought that I’d be able to get past what I had done. I knew it would be hard for a while, but I never expected it to effect me so strongly. Every day I woke up, the first thing I wished for was to go back and do everything differently. But that was why people say hindsight is twenty-twenty, wasn’t it?
I sucked in a deep breath and tried to steel myself for what I had to do next. I was about to drive the final nail into the coffin that was our relationship. If I drug it out any longer it would become impossible for me to stick to my decision.
“I can’t do this anymore, Jeremy. Watching what Emmy went through showed me how short life really is. It got me thinking that you’re the only person I’ve ever been with.” I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, swallowing past the lump forming in my throat. Hurting Jeremy was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but it was inevitable.
“We’ve been together since we were fourteen. I want to see what else is out there. I want to be able to date other guys. We shouldn’t have to tie ourselves down to one person at nineteen, Jer. We’re too damn young. There’s too much that we haven’t experienced yet. I just feel like we’re holding each other back.”
If the expression on his face could physically maim, I would have been dead on the floor.
“So, let me get this straight,” he hissed out, his jaw ticking from the strain of trying to stay composed. “You’re breaking up with me because you wanna fuck other dudes. Am I getting this right?”
“It’s not like that.” I hated how he’d basically broken down my carefully constructed reason. Deep down, I knew there was no other guy. I didn’t want anyone but Jeremy, but because of my actions, I couldn’t allow mysel
f to have him anymore.
“AM I FUCKING RIGHT OR NOT?” he roared.
Tears instantly started streaming down my face, unchecked. What I was about to say would do irreparable damage. Worrying about keeping my tears at bay wasn’t even a consideration.
“Yes,” I whispered in a hoarse, broken voice.
One word.
One word was all it took for Jeremy to look at me like I was a stranger, someone he didn’t know anymore.
One word, and I had crushed all hope at having the future I truly wanted.
One word was all it took for him to turn and walk away without looking back.
One word, and I’d lost the only person I ever loved.
PRESENT
“Come on, you fucking piece of shit…WORK!”
It was five o’clock on Friday evening, and my computer had decided it wanted to freeze up before I got the chance to back up all my work. I was determined to beat the stupid excuse for electronic machinery into submission if it was the last thing I did.
I was supposed to be meeting my friends at our local hangout, Colt 45’s, for an impromptu engagement party for Gavin and Stacia, but if my fossil of a computer decided to crap out on me, I was going to be stuck drafting deposition designations all weekend long. I wasn’t exactly ecstatic about attending an engagement party, not with the way things had been going in my personal life lately, but I wanted to be stuck at the office on a Friday night even less.
I knew I had been acting like a total bitch, and I hated that I couldn’t control it. I really was happy for Gavin and Stacia. They were two of my best friends and were an adorable couple who had been together forever. It was just that being around all that happiness and love and wedding talk brought my nonexistent love life to the forefront of my mind, shining like a bright red beacon to spinsterhood.
It was like the freaking love bug had bitten everyone I knew—well, everyone but me. Gavin and Stacia had just gotten engaged. Emmy and Luke were back together after an eight-year hiatus, and they were living a life of bliss and sex. But the topper on the romantic crap cake was Jeremy, my ex-boyfriend and the man I was doomed to love for the rest of my pathetic life.
Pushing the Boundaries (Picking up the Pieces #3) Page 23
