“I do. But, Marcus…” She took a deep breath and stepped toward me.
“Amy…” I couldn’t breathe. Everything about this seemed so surreal that I was sure I would wake up at any moment.
I didn’t.
“You know how you feel right now? That fear deep down inside you? Hold onto that, and just know that it’s that much worse for me.” She sniffed. “I know what you’re afraid of. You’re afraid you’ll choose her over me, and you might. That possibility scares the hell out of me too! But do you know what would be worse? If you just stay with me, I will always wonder if you feel like you’re missing something. I will always worry that I won’t be enough for you. Every time you’ll look at me, I’ll wonder if you’re seeing Hannah. Every time we kiss, every time we make love, Hannah will always be there in the back of your mind. You’ll have questions and concerns that only Hannah can answer. I can’t live like that, Marcus. You can’t ask that of me.”
She was crying harder now, and I wanted nothing more than to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. But I couldn’t move. I was completely frozen. I had never thought of it that way, but that didn’t mean I was willing to let her leave without a fight.
“Amy, I—”
“I love you, Marcus.” She took closed the space between us and reached up to kiss me tenderly.
I wrapped my arms around her waist and held her tight.
“You have to do this,” she whispered against my lips.
This felt like goodbye, and I didn’t want to let go. Before I could say anything, she pulled out of my arms and grabbed her keys off the counter.
Then she was gone.
the days following my break up with Marcus were a complete blur. I hated that I was that girl, but I couldn’t seem to shake it. I wanted nothing more than to be with him, but he needed to do this. Maybe he would realize she was the one he wanted, the one he needed. That would hurt, but maybe that was what was meant to happen.
That didn’t mean I wasn’t moping around my house hoping it didn’t work out between them. It made me feel like a horrible person. I wanted Marcus happy… with me. But if he chose to be with Hannah, I would understand. It would take some time, but I’d be happy for them.
That’s at least what I told myself. I told myself I was being an adult in all of this. That giving Marcus this chance was the right thing to do. Even if it was the right thing to do, I was still upset. I wasn’t completely selfless. I needed him to do this for me, just as much as he needed to do this for himself.
The worries and concerns had already started for me before this weekend. When Marcus got pissed about Hannah sleeping with her boyfriend, it seemed like an extreme reaction for a friend to have even if he was trying to protect her. Chad had reassured me that they’d never been more than friends, and I started to feel better.
Then Marcus had confessed his feelings for Hannah.
I wasn’t angry or upset, really. Maybe I should have been, but I wanted to understand. Marcus and I had started a good thing between us. I didn’t want to throw it away because of some stupid insecurities. The more we talked, the more he opened up, and the more I realized that it was going to be okay. He was honest with me. It gave me hope.
Then there was the incident at the hospital with Hannah. Her reaction to my being there told me there was a lot more to the story than Marcus had actually known. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t lie to me. He was completely oblivious to the fact that Hannah wanted him in the same way. Should I have told him about that then? Maybe that did make me selfish for keeping it a secret.
Time after time, things kept happening to make me even more aware of how they felt for each other. The looks she would give me when she’d see us together. Her avoiding him when he got to come home from the hospital. The excuses he would make for her over and over again.
I just didn’t want to believe it.
Marcus and I had only been together a few weeks, but I knew exactly how I felt about him, and I knew exactly how he felt about me. I never once doubted his feelings for me, but I also knew the extent of his feelings for Hannah.
“Amy?” My mother’s voice broke me out of my thoughts.
“Hmm?” I answered without looking up at her.
She took a seat next to where I’d been sitting on the couch and turned slightly to face me. “I’m worried about you, honey.”
I looked up then, tears fighting to fall from my eyes. “Marcus and I broke up.”
I’d finally broken down and told my mom after her constant hovering from my slight depression the last few days. I really needed to get my own place soon. I couldn’t take her constant worry. I knew she meant well, but I only told her the bare minimum. We broke up. End of story.
“Amy, I’m so sorry to hear about that,” she told me after I told her the short version of what happened. “I know how much you cared for him.”
I leaned into her hand that was now gently wiping the tears from my cheek. “It’s hard, Mom. But it’s what needed to happen.”
“Do you want to talk about it more?” The worry was evident in her eyes.
I know she was asking me if I wanted to tell her the whole story, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it just yet. “Not really. I just need to try to get over it and move on.”
That had been easier said than done.
After missing Monday and Tuesday at work, I decided two days to mope and compose myself enough to face him were plenty. I couldn’t just stop going to work. Besides, Marcus and I were adults. We could still be civil enough to work together. I hoped so, anyways.
And I was right. For the most part anyways.
I was sitting at the front desk on Wednesday morning, trying to catch up on some paperwork from my absence, when I sensed him walk in the door. Looking up only confirmed it, and I tried not to stare.
He looked well, maybe a little more tired, but well. His eyes were down as he walked in so he didn’t notice me yet. I told myself to glance back at my paperwork, knowing it would be a little embarrassing to be caught staring at him, but I couldn’t bring myself to pull my gaze away.
When he did look up, he did a double take. I assume he didn’t expect to see me after I missed two days. The realization at how pathetic I must seem at the fact that I missed work because I was so upset hit me hard. I kind of wanted to throw up.
I expected him to just look away and keep walking, but he gave me a half smile and nodded. I forced a smile back and forced myself to return to work. I stole a couple of glances at him once he was in his office, only to get caught when he looked up at me a time or two.
This was going to be harder than I thought.
the next few days were very much the same. There were no awkward moments really, but there also weren’t exactly any friendly moments either. Maybe it was too soon, or maybe it would never happen. It was hard to tell. Losing Marcus like this was hard for me. I wasn’t sure if I could lose him completely, especially with working together almost every single day.
By Friday, we still hadn’t spoken to each other, so when Marcus stopped at the front desk and drummed his fingers along the top, I was a little shocked. He just looked at me with a slightly confused expression, which I returned. I chewed on my bottom lip for a minute before he finally spoke up.
“How are you?” he asked quietly.
I couldn’t help it. His safe question made me grin.
“Fine. How are you?”
He seemed a little more confused at my grin, but he eventually smiled back.
Just like that, the first layer of ice had broken.
“Good. I’m good.”
We both nodded slowly, still grinning at our forced conversation.
“Right. Well, I should get to work,” he said.
“Yeah, maybe,” I said.
He nodded again, but the grin was still on his face when he walked away.
I giggled softly. That may have been a little awkward and a lot forced, but it was progress. He wanted it to be easier for us
, but it wasn’t going to work like that. We both knew it.
Chad stopped by that afternoon by the front desk to talk to me like always. It was like he had no idea what was going on between Marcus and I, which was strange. He and Marcus were best friends. Surely, Marcus had told him.
It was easy with Chad though. He didn’t bring up Marcus during our little chit-chat, wanting to talk about Devon instead. I grinned as he retold their time together last Friday before he finally went to Marcus’ office. I was happy for him. Devon was coming around. She and I had hung out a couple of times outside of work now so I think she was becoming less of a hermit, so to speak. They were spending more time together here at the gym, which definitely helped his case.
saturday morning, marcus came in with a smile on his face. I couldn’t help but return. He walked right up to the desk and knocked on it a couple of times.
“Morning, Amy,” he said pleasantly.
“Good morning, Marcus.”
With that, he was off to his office. Chuckling, I shook my head and went back to grueling game of solitaire. Saturdays were usually a little busier than this, but there wasn’t much else for me to do. I didn’t work weekends for the most part, but since I’d missed the beginning of the week, I wanted to make up some time.
For a good couple of hours, I’d been sitting at the desk for a good couple of hours. Only a handful of people had come in so far. It was safe to say that I hated working weekends. It wasn’t like I had plans, not anymore anyways, but I hadn’t been focusing much on my schoolwork as it was. I needed the weekends for that. I wasn’t working tomorrow so I guess that would be okay.
“So, I’ve been thinking…”
I started at the sound of Marcus’ voice beside me. “Geez, Marcus.”
He laughed.
I glared over at him playfully. “Rude.”
“Anyways,” he continued like I hadn’t just been scared enough to pee my pants, “I’ve been thinking. We’re both adults, right?”
“Yeah…” I scrunched up my face in confusion, not following where he could be going with this.
“So, there’s no reason we can’t be friends, right?”
I nodded slowly and raised an eyebrow, telling him to continue.
“No reason at all for us to let this get awkward, right? We do have to see each other every day.” He leaned on the counter.
At the risk of sounding conceited, I was worried this was coming from somewhere else, other than just wanting to try and be friends for the work front.
“Right,” I finally said.
He smiled. “Good. Now that that’s out of the way, I need to ask you something.”
My heart stopped for a moment. “Okay, what?” I held my breath, hoping he didn’t notice.
“Does Devon ever talk about Chad when you’re around?”
I was so relieved at his question I actually laughed out loud. He eyed me curiously with a raised brow. I shook my head and cleared my throat, embarrassed at my lack of control. In a way, I’d hoped he asked me something more personal, something about us even though there wasn’t an us anymore to ask about.
“Actually…” I arched my brows at him.
He motioned with his hands for me to continue.
“I’m not supposed to say. Sorry.” I smirked and looked back at the computer.
He groaned. “Really? You can’t give me anything? He’s driving me nuts about this, you know.”
I laughed. “Marcus, think about what I just said.”
He frowned at me, making me laugh again. He really didn’t get it.
“Why would she ask me not to say anything, if there were nothing to talk about?” I added.
He kept frowning until he finally got it, making me grin. He really was adorable.
“Oh. Gotcha.” He winked, probably without realizing it. “Thanks, Amy.”
He turned and walked back to his office, and I sighed. Something as innocent as that conversation had me missing him that much more. I wanted to be his friend, but it was going to be hard.
Especially if and when he decided to approach Hannah, if he hadn’t done so already. I wasn’t sure I could handle that right away. Luckily, it wasn’t like we’d all hang out together and I would have to see them together. Besides, Marcus wasn’t the kind of guy to rub it in my face or even bring it up around me. Hell, they could be together now, and I wouldn’t know it.
I didn’t want to.
a week. one full week had passed, and I hadn’t left my apartment. Erica, being the mama bear she had to be sometimes, made sure I ate, showered, and whatnot, but I wasn’t ready to face the world.
She made sure to get my class assignments for me, which I tried to focus on while I was home alone all week long. Luckily, most of my professors didn’t keep track of attendance. I wouldn’t get in trouble for not actually being there as long as I got my work done. It was a struggle though.
I told myself I wouldn’t mope. Every night, I told myself that tomorrow would be different. Yet, here I was, doing the same thing I’ve done every day. I lay back in my bed and stared at the ceiling. There were times when I could briefly forget everything that had happened, when I could think that everything was fine. Times when I could forget I ever met Justin, back when Marcus and I were still best friends.
This was definitely not one of those times.
I’m sorry about the other night. I typed out a text to Marcus and let my finger hover over the send button, only to backspace until it was gone. I wanted to reach out to him. I wanted to try to fix what had happened.
Marcus, I don’t want to lose you…
And again, I backspaced my way out of that text as well. I couldn’t just text him. I didn’t want to face the rejection of him not replying.
I spent the morning crying, and now, I was spending the afternoon crying. Erica, while she was supportive, apparently couldn’t listen to me bawling anymore. She went to the library to get some things done for school. She was giving me space, which I desperately needed but also desperately didn’t want. Sure, I had moments when I wanted to be alone to cry in peace. But then there were times, like now, when I felt so broken that the thought of being alone made it that much worse.
My phone died sometime after my last attempts to text Marcus, and I never put it back on the charger. That would only give me means to try again and pathetically ask for forgiveness or to text or call Justin and give him a piece of my mind. Justin deserved it, but I wasn’t sure I was strong enough for that. Besides, I honestly didn’t think he’d care, and I didn’t really want to waste my breath or my time on him anymore.
Too bad my mind wasn’t getting that memo.
The sound of the front door opening and closing pulled me from my thoughts. I rolled over in bed, faced the wall opposite my door, and wiped my face on my sleeve, wanting to look a little better. Maybe I’d give her hope that I was getting better when we both knew I wasn’t. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
“Hannah?” she whispered as she walked into my room.
I didn’t reply. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, not even Erica.
She sat in front of me on the edge of the bed, much like she had last week when we finally talked everything out. Letting out a breath, she rubbed my shoulder. I fought the urge to jerk away from her. I didn’t want to be touched. I just wanted to wallow in my own self-pity.
“Hannah, have you eaten today?”
“Yes, mom,” I said a little snarkier than she deserved.
She sighed. “Come on. Let’s go watch a movie. You need out of this room.”
“I don’t want to go anywhere, E.” I took in a deep breath, feeling tears form again. “I don’t want to risk seeing anyone right now.”
“Then let’s just go to the living room. We’ll order Pay-Per-View.” She continued to rub my shoulder.
I just shook my head. “I don’t want to, Erica.”
She sighed again. “Hannah, you can’t stay in your room forever. You have a life to get back to.”
> This time, I did shrug away from her. With a final sigh, she got up and left me alone. The moment my door closed behind her, the tears came back with full force. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to have someone with me. I couldn’t decide.
My mind was no more straightened out than it had been a week ago. Everything remained fresh in my mind. I knew I was being a little more dramatic than need be, but I couldn’t help it. I was still really hurt.
Not only had I lost my boyfriend that night, but I’d lost my lifelong best friend too.
A girl could only take so much.
come monday, i tried to get back to my normal routine, as much as I could. I went to class, worked at café, and then came home. Erica seemed a little more pleased that I was at least trying.
Idly flipping through the channels, I was sitting on the couch while she made us dinner. I had to admit it did feel nice to not be curled up in a ball in my bed, but at the same time, I was so ready to be back in there so I could cry myself to sleep some more.
I really was pathetic.
Erica had been trying to avoid talking about her current crush all week, but I could tell she was about to bust. I felt like a terrible person for not wanting to know about him. I felt even worse that I ruined her Halloween night with him. She had been at his place when she got Marcus’ text about what happened with Justin.
Every time he’d call, she’d step outside so I wouldn’t have to hear it. Her face would light up in a big smile every single time when she’d get a text from him. She deserved to be happy, and she definitely deserved to have a best friend who actually cared. But I just couldn’t. Not yet.
I took a deep breath, and the smell of the lasagna Erica was making filled my nose. I almost moaned out loud. I hadn’t been eating well, but I loved lasagna. I knew that’s why she was making it now.
It wasn’t too much later when she brought me a plate of lasagna with a breadstick and a salad on the side. Wow, she really went all out for this. I forced a smile and sat forward on the couch so I could use the coffee table. She walked back into the kitchen and came back with her food, minus the salad, balancing two glasses of wine in her other hand. I quickly took the glasses from her to sit them on the table.
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