by Siobhan Muir
“She’s stayed safe enough when she took over,” Julianna remarked.
“She was not safe. She was lucky!” Sebrina snapped. “It’s your job to keep her safe.”
Are you listening?
Grrrrr…
“Focus on what it was like to feel the wind caressing your body, pushing your tail, and fluttering past your whiskers,” she went on, and Julianna tried to remember what it physically felt like to be a wolf. “Feel the ground under all four of your paws, your weight completely balanced on all of your limbs. Remember the way the air tasted and the forest sounded around you. Settle yourself in these feelings and memories.”
Julianna sighed and closed her eyes, settling her mind and body into as much stillness as she could. She tried to focus on what Sebrina described, but her mind slid away from her attempts to analyze the experiences of shifting under the moon. It felt as if she couldn’t access the sensations because the eyes and ears and body hadn’t been hers. Instead, her mind served up images of what she might look like in her Sister form, as if she stood outside looking at herself.
That’s not what I look like, her inner voice sneered.
I don’t care what we look like. I want to remember what it feels like!
Why? So you can take more of my time from me? Kiss my furry butt!
Julianna felt even further away from her Sister as anger surged on both sides. Gritting her teeth, she relaxed her shoulders a little and tried again, pushing her frustration away. The memories of her previous shifts began to come into focus, but the wolf resisted being boxed in by her dictation.
Please, Sister, don’t push me away.
Suddenly a voice more primal than she had ever heard in her head, snarled, You pushed me away, pushed me down until I had to hide away so you could forget me! You ignored the moon, you ignored the song of Her when She called you! Why did you do this to me?
Julianna was shocked by the anger and frustration in her inner voice, and her anger at her Sister’s reluctance withered. Had she shoved her lupine half away? Why had she done that?
There wasn’t anyone around to teach me what I was.
The wolf scoffed, and Julianna realized that response was incomplete. She had been alone among humans growing up, and she’d felt the instinctual fear of revealing her true nature to them, but those reasons were only part of it. Thinking back to when she’d been a child, she remembered deliberately forgetting the wolf within.
Amazement and chagrin flooded through her. Why had she done that?
A memory surfaced of an orphanage full of children, human children, and being reprimanded for growling and swatting at the other kids like she would her littermates. By the time Beth and Gerry Morris came looking for a child, she’d already suppressed her lupine self to fit in amongst the others. She’d understood instinctually that her best chance of finding a family would be to be as human as possible.
She’d continued to act human even after the Morrises adopted her and brought her to Callowwood to protect herself from abandonment. Beth was the only mother she’d known and even the child she’d been knew Beth’s loss would be devastating.
What had happened to her lupine parents? Julianna knew she’d been adopted by the Morrises when she was a little over a year old. Where were her blood kin? Who were they, and why had they abandoned her all those years ago?
I’m sorry, Sister, she said with heavy regret. I was afraid and alone, and no one understood me on the outside. I had to fit in and the humans don’t know anything about us. I’m very sorry. Please help me remember how it is to be together.
No!
Julianna tightened her jaw in frustration but tried to remain reasonable. Stop acting like a recalcitrant child! I can’t change the past, and I’m sorry. I understand what and who I truly am, and I need you. I want you to be part of my life, not just someone I know three days a month.
You left me alone in the dark. You turned away from me and pretended I didn’t exist. I won’t let you take back those three days a month ever again. They’re mine!
I don’t want to take them from you. I want to share them with you! Juliana shouted back, her hands curling into fists. I want to share every day of every month with you. I don’t want to be alone again any more than you do! Stop fighting me for less than you could have with me!
Her wolf half snarled and fought a mental tug-of-war with Julianna. Her logical brain told her fighting would get her nowhere, but giving up seemed an even less attractive option. Snarls filled the stillness of the clearing as she struggled to gain the upper hand. She saw herself grappling with her darker half in her mind’s eye, rolling and snapping with primal fury. She refused to give up.
Julianna didn’t know how long she struggled with her Sister, but eventually logic and humor pushed through the emotional upheaval, and she started to laugh. Why the hell was she fighting herself, again? She owed her Sister, and fighting resolved nothing.
Her laughter rang out in the clearing and jarred the wolf’s resistance. Julianna pictured her Sister’s ears flagging and her head cocking to one side in confusion as Julianna relented.
You’re right, Sister. I made a mistake and I owe you. Take your place as my partner and equal. She simply surrendered to the wolf side, bowing to her mentally, and her body started to change as the lupine surged through her.
Julianna’s ears shifted to the top of her head, and sound sharpened into crystal clarity. Her jaw and nose elongated, and her tail lengthened into a thick brush, scraping across the forest floor. Her fingers and toes shortened, and her shoulders slid backward until her chest narrowed. She felt stifling heat as if she wore a heavy, thick coat in the blazing sun, and she opened her mouth to unroll her tongue in an effort to cool down. Then she opened her eyes.
The world had changed significantly. Every detail was sharper. Honeybees buzzed around the few flowers in the clearing wearing sharp jackets of gold and black while the rocks cast knife-edged shadows on individual blades of grass, waving gently in the breeze like green bristly hair. Everything seemed bigger or taller than she remembered. Even Sebrina looked down on her, though her face showed a satisfied smile.
“Very good, my daughter.” Her whisper carried like a normal voice to Julianna’s ears.
Sounds she’d been ignoring, such as the woodpecker pounding on a tree somewhere nearby or the patter of little rodent feet through the under growth, were as clear as if she’d put on headphones. She inhaled deeply and smelled the rodents and flowers and bees and the deer that had passed through this clearing earlier that morning. Sebrina’s scent wove its way into her awareness, a mixture of satisfaction, wolf, and pride. Before Julianna could savor the sights and scents, sharp surprise, sorrow, and regret tainted the air around the Paiute woman, and her smile disappeared.
Quick as lightning, the woman grabbed Julianna’s muzzle and turned her head sharply to the right, staring at her intently. Julianna had never seen herself in her wolf form so she had no idea what Sebrina was looking at, but whatever it was, the woman paled, and her hand shook where it touched Julianna’s muzzle.
Julianna whined uncertainly and thought, “What, Sebrina?”
The woman jerked as if she’d been slapped and stared at Julianna’s eyes with surprise and disbelief.
“It cannot be,” she whispered then, shaking her head in denial without letting Julianna free of her grip. “It cannot be.”
Julianna whined again. “What can’t be? I don’t understand.”
“Great Mother Moon, I never thought…to see…”
Julianna’s Sister didn’t like the scents coming from Sebrina and tucked her tail between her hind legs, trying to back away from the agonized Paiute woman. A whine full of fearful confusion escaped from Julianna’s chest, and she quailed at the loss of confidence in her inner wolf.
You must be your Sister’s leader, her protector. You must lead in your transformation from now on. It will keep you and your Sister safe. Sebrina’s instructions shot through Julianna’s awarenes
s, and she pushed forward, taking the lead from her Sister.
Julianna tugged her head in Sebrina’s hand, pulling her lips back to bare her teeth, but the woman held fast for a few more moments. Sebrina appeared to be lost in whatever showed on Julianna’s face and the sorrow radiating from her overwhelmed her scent. Julianna’s Sister started to panic, and when Julianna growled like an animal cornered at the edge of fight or flight, Sebrina released her, dropping to her knees in the grass.
“I’m sorry, daughter, so sorry!” Sebrina wailed as she flattened her hands in the grass and placed her head between her arms until her forehead touch the ground. “I didn’t understand all those years ago, and I was afraid. Please forgive me.”
Julianna stood tensely, her legs braced for flight and her tail low.
What is she talking about, Sister?
I don’t know, but this is strange behavior. She is Alpha.
Slowly, Julianna stretched out her neck to sniff at the back of Sebrina’s head. The woman still smelled like sorrow and regret, but new scents of amazement and hope filtered through the morass of discomfort.
“I still don’t understand, Sebrina,” she thought, cocking her head to one side as she took in the Paiute woman’s posture. “Please explain. None of this makes sense to me.” She whined again and stiffened her legs to keep from bolting away.
Sebrina jerked her head up and stared at Julianna with great sorrow in her eyes, but she tried to smile compassionately. “I’m sorry, daughter. I didn’t mean to confuse you.” She sat back on her haunches and retreated behind her First People’s mask of impassiveness. “You’re very powerful indeed if you can speak with your mind alone.”
“Why are you so sad, Sebrina? Did I do something wrong? I followed your directions. I don’t understand.”
“Great Mother Moon, you’re more beautiful than I ever expected,” the woman murmured to herself, gazing back at Julianna. Then she blinked and shook her head. “No, no, daughter, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve done very well, and I’m very proud of you. Such strength!”
Sebrina’s scent had changed again as she levered herself to her feet. Julianna watched the older woman uncertainly, noting her movements seemed a little stiff as if sorrow still dragged at her.
“Now, change back.”
At first, Julianna didn’t understand the command.
“Go on, change back to your human form.”
Unreasoning fear flared to life and Julianna’s Sister locked her will into place, refusing to budge.
I won’t be locked in that hideous upright shape again!
Don’t be a coward. We’re a team, now, remember?
We’ve never been a team.
We gotta be one now, or we’ll end up dead.
They fought for dominance again, but Julianna pushed persistently and patiently, offering her Sister self a “seat” in her mind closer to the surface. The wolf gave in with this small concession, and their body changed until Julianna stood upright once more, shaking and panting. The world appeared a little less crisp like the difference between the image on a regular TV and the same image on a high definition TV. It wasn’t exactly fuzzy, just less sharp, the sound dampened.
Surprise filtered into Julianna’s awareness when she realized she again wore the clothes she’d dressed in that morning. That’s weird. Shouldn’t they disintegrate or at least fall off?
“Where do my clothes go when I shift, Sebrina?”
“Into the Goddess’ care. She holds them for safe keeping while we are in our true forms then returns them to us when we change back so we will remain hidden among the humans.”
Julianna raised a skeptical eyebrow.
“Change again,” Sebrina demanded.
Before Julianna could protest, her Sister form leaped forward, swelling into place, and she stood as a wolf almost immediately. Sebrina clucked her tongue in disapproval, and Julianna growled in frustration.
“Change.”
Julianna changed back and forth from her human to wolf bodies until she was exhausted. She’d reached a tentative truce with her Sister self, an acceptance of the leadership Julianna could provide in either form. The wolf remained close to the surface of her awareness and understood Julianna no longer feared to change into her natural shape. She stopped fighting Julianna when they turned human.
“Dear God, I’m tired and hungry,” she gasped when she once again stood in her human form.
Sebrina laughed gently. “I’d believe you are. Come, let’s go catch our lunch.”
“What?” Julianna blinked in surprise, but there was no one to ask except a salt and pepper colored wolf in the clearing.
The creature stood strong and beautiful, despite the white age showing on the bridge of her nose. She had a thick healthy coat, but Julianna could tell life had been lived in the body. The ears still perked sharply, and the golden eyes showed no signs of weakness. The only unusual thing about this female was a ring of silver spots around her left eye. They didn’t appear to be a mark of age, but rather, they looked like a glittering tattoo in the sunlight, matching the tribal tattoo on Sebrina’s human face.
Julianna studied the wolf for a few moments longer until the older female growled impatiently and turned toward the exit trail.
“Oh, right!” She shifted to her wolf form and followed Sebrina deeper into the woods.
The next hour seemed like a comedy of errors. Sebrina was an expert in hunting, but the best Julianna could do was snag a couple of stupid and slow rock squirrels after she remembered to mentally step back and let her Sister take over. She was so hungry she didn’t have the patience to be disgusted with ripping and tearing at some poor animal’s body. The chase had been exhilarating, and the victory was sweet. Even the hot blood and muscle was delicious.
After their meal, they napped for a short time in the shade of the trees, though Julianna never fully slept. Her ears kept telling her there were too many other creatures around to completely relax. She rested a little, and when Sebrina rose to her feet, she didn’t protest.
The rest of the afternoon was spent leaping, literally, in and out of her two forms. Sebrina made her dive into bushes and undergrowth, changing into a wolf as she went. She was supposed to land on all four feet, balanced and in control. The best she managed was a wobbly landing that filled her coat and ears with prickly spines from the shrubbery. Her nose filled with dust, and she ended up sneezing more, which ruined her balance.
Then Julianna had to jump over rocks, shift mid-leap, and roll to her feet as a human. Her body looked like it had been on the losing end of a fight with two cats. Scratches scored her thighs and arms, and her hair was full of twigs. She lost the boundary between herself and her Sister. She could smell Sebrina’s amusement and hear the industrious woodpecker while she dragged herself to her human feet once more.
Exhausted and bruised by the time Sebrina took her home, Julianna stood stupidly at her door for a few moments, trying to remember what she was supposed to do.
Door, there’s a door. What happens next? Oh, yes, unlock the door. Right.
Reaching into her pocket, she withdrew her keys and her cell phone clunked to the wooden deck. It beeped indignantly, and she mumbled a curse as she bent to retrieve it. Every muscle screamed in protest, and she groaned, glad Sebrina had gone home. Leaning her forehead against the door, she used both hands to open the cell phone and saw her mother’s text message.
Have a great day, dear one.
Snorting with painful humor, she yanked her body upright, ignoring the pain zipping through her tired muscles and let herself inside. She made herself choke down some cheese and crackers before she dragged herself to bed. She didn’t even bother to undress as she fell into bed.
Morning came with aches and pains in muscles she didn’t even know she had. She dragged her body into some clothes just in time for Sebrina to show up to take her “hunting”. She looked askance at the older woman, but soon she knew what she meant.
Julianna found he
rself in her Sister form belly-down in a thicket of scrub oak, watching a pair of cottontails nervously grazing on the summer scrub growing through the tough soil. She crept closer, freezing as the heads of both rabbits came up, only their noses moving. Her hindquarters bunched beneath her as she prepared to pounce, but some scrub jays exploded out of a nearby pinion pine, screaming bloody murder, and the rabbits bolted. She dropped her butt to the dirt with a frustrated grunt.
She made her next attempt on a wily jackrabbit who’d found a comfortable spot in the shade. Sebrina had told her she needed the element of surprise to catch one of the fast leporids, so Julianna angled her approach to cut across the most logical path of escape. She slithered forward on her belly, pausing only when the rabbit’s ears twitched in her direction.
She gathered herself, took a deep breath, and shot out of the brush. The jackrabbit burst out of its apparent slumber in a cloud of dead leaves and dust. Julianna knew the creatures were fast, but she’d never had to chase one for dinner. The thrill of the chase lent her speed and strength, but the leporid zigged and zagged so fast, she could barely keep up.
She almost had it in her teeth when the rabbit found open ground and began to pull away from her. She pushed herself just a little faster and lunged. Her teeth snapped together on nothing but shed fur and dust. The leporid bolted in ground-eating bounds, and she flopped down in the dirt, gasping for breath.
Soft laughter filled her ears, and she angled her head so she could see Sebrina sitting beside her, her tongue lolling out in an amused grin.
