“You go talk with Dr. Rodriguez, Mama. I’ll stay here with Pops and then Kirby will come up later.”
“Make sure you’re back at the hotel around seven, okay?”
“Why?”
“Don’t ask questions. Just do what your mother says,” she said, playfully tapping him on his backside.
“Whatever,” Raymond said as he kissed his mother on her cheek.
When his mother left the room, he walked slowly to his father’s bed and sat in the metal folding chair next to the bed’s guardrail. Raymond Sr.’s eyes were closed, but when Raymond Jr. sat down, they opened very slowly. Raymond smiled at his father and studied his tobacco-brown skin, his sad, brownish-green eyes, and the network of lines around the corners of his mouth. Raymond Sr.’s face had a flat expression, like a lake reflecting a winter sky. Raymond gently touched his fine hair, which was more gray than black, and he realized he’d never touched his father’s body in any way with the exception of an occasional hug. He slowly touched his face and was surprised by how soft it was.
Raymond bit his tongue and then his words began to fill the empty silence. “Pops, I know you’re going to get better. I know this might not be the best time, but your stroke has made me realize that I’m not promised another chance like this. I want to start by telling you how much I love you and how proud I am to be your son. And I’ve been really mad at you for the last couple of months, and I’ve been scared. I was afraid that if I told you how angry I was at you, I’d lose your love. And lately I’ve been frightened because I almost lost you.
“When we got into the argument over what I should do with Trent, I started to write you a letter and tell you how I felt. I knew with a letter I could get my point across without you disputing or discounting what I had to say or how I felt. I guess that’s the lawyer in you,” Raymond chuckled.
He took another deep breath and continued. “When you came to Seattle after I was nominated for the bench, I was so happy. Not because of the nomination, but because my father had come to the place I called home. You were proud of me again. You know the last time I remember you being proud of me?” Raymond asked, knowing full well his father couldn’t answer.
“Besides when I graduated from law school, which I don’t know if you were that happy about, since I didn’t go to Howard. It was when I was in high school and was playing football, and when some cheerleader would decorate our yard with toilet paper streamers and signs, and you and I would try and figure out which cheerleader was my secret pal. Remember how we would clean up the yard after the game and then go into the house and watch college games? This was before Kirby was interested in football or hanging out with us. During that time I felt like I was a son you could be proud of. As long as I did what you wanted me to.”
Raymond felt his words may have been harsh but these were his true feelings and he needed to say them. He began to trace his father’s face slowly with his fingertips, wondering how many of the lines he had caused.
“Do you know how hurtful it was when you told me you and mom didn’t raise me to be no sissy? I can still see the anger and disgust in your eyes. Did you ever stop and think about how I felt when you gave me the silent treatment when I brought Trent home the first time and introduced him as my life partner? How you denied who I am whenever I wanted to talk about my sexuality. Did you think that reflected on you? It didn’t. My sexuality was decided long before I ever knew what sex was.
“Now, I don’t want you to think that all I remember is the bad stuff. You and I have shared some wonderful times. Remember when we would stay up late drinking beer and eating cold pizza when you were running for state senator? How we talked over campaign strategies? Do you know how proud I was when I worked with you in your firm and you would introduce me to your lawyer friends and judges with such pride? How we would come home and review our caseload and discuss if we wanted the firm to become larger or remain a family business. Those were wonderful times, Pops. You were treating me as an equal, as a man.”
Raymond moved his chair closer to his father. “Now, Pops, I know this is something you don’t want to hear, but you’ve got to hear it from me. I wanted you to be the first one I told when I was nominated and I wanted you to be the person on my side when I went through my confirmation, but that’s not going to happen. I withdrew my nomination today because I realized that the only reason I wanted to be a judge was so that I could see that pride in your eyes again.” Raymond paused and reached to take his father’s hand in his. Together their hands were an anchor in the world.
“I was trying to live your dream, Pops. I didn’t know until a couple of weeks ago that you wanted to be a Supreme Court justice. Why didn’t you tell me that? You would have been a great one. Tough but fair.
“But this little crisis of ours has made me realize that I want to do something more with my life. Right now I don’t know what that is, but I promise you it will be something that makes you proud. But it will be my dream, Pops,” Raymond said as he removed one of his hands from his father’s grasp, then beat his fist against his chest and tears began to fill his eyes.
“So you got to get well, so we can talk about the wonderful things we’re going to do with the rest of our lives. What we’re going to do for our family and for the world. ’Cause I know you’re not finished, Pops, and I feel like I’m just beginning.”
Raymond wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his free hand, never letting go of his father’s hand.
When Raymond arrived back at the hotel, he discovered his surprise. Trent was sitting in a chair looking over some notes at the small table in the suite Raymond was sharing with his mother.
“Trent, what are you doing here?” Raymond asked as he placed the card key on the dresser.
“This time I was invited,” Trent said, getting up from the table and walking toward Raymond. “Your mother and Kirby called me. They told me you need me.”
“Oh they did,” Raymond said as he sat on the edge of the bed.
“Yeah, that’s what they said,” Trent said. He sat on the bed next to Raymond. Trent put his hand on Raymond’s knee and looked in his eyes and said, “Raymond, I love you deeply, with my whole heart. Since we’ve been together, one of the things I’ve wanted most was for the rest of your life to be the rest of mine.”
“Trent, you did something I thought you’d never do. You hurt me,” Raymond said as he looked sadly into his partner’s eyes.
“I know, and I’m sorry. All I can say is that it won’t ever happen again.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because I can see the hurt in your eyes. I must admit that when I was doing what I did, I didn’t think much of how you might feel. But ever since I’ve left New York, I’ve been thinking how I would feel if you were unfaithful to me, and it’s not a good feeling.”
Raymond stared at Trent and tried to figure out what to say. A voice in his head was telling him, “You’re on a roll, let him have it,” while another was saying, “Raymond, stop being an asshole. You love this man. Forgive him and get on with your life.”
Raymond chose the latter and said, “Trent, I know if we’re going to have a future together, I must forgive you in my heart and I have. It’s just, at times, I think about it and I still feel anger and sadness. I begin to wonder if we can ever have what I thought we had.”
“We can,” Trent said. He moved closer to Raymond. He breathed in Raymond’s strong, clean scent and began to kiss him on his neck, and then his ears, his face, and finally Raymond’s lips. Raymond didn’t resist as he had in New York. He began to savor the taste of Trent’s tongue. When they stopped kissing, they both stood up, and Trent noticed Raymond’s face had softened. A tenderness had come into his eyes.
Then, in an unspoken agreement, they moved to opposite sides of the bed and pulled back the bedspread. In a single fluid movement, Trent removed the yellow knit sweater his biceps were straining, unbuckled his belt, dropped his pants, and removed his underwear.
&n
bsp; Raymond stood, still fully dressed and gazing at Trent’s deep-muscled chest, his flat stomach, and his plump and firm sex. He heard that voice again telling him this wasn’t the way to resolve their problems. But a wave of desire moved through him as Trent moved closer to him with his silky, warm nakedness and began to undress Raymond slowly. The voice became silent. But suddenly Raymond thought of his mother and whispered, “Trent, we can’t do this. My mother might come in.”
He smiled seductively. “She’s got a new room. Everything will be fine.” The heat of his smile made Raymond’s body warm with moisture.
When Trent removed Raymond’s underwear, he stood back and marveled, “Damn, baby, you look better than ever before. And I didn’t think that was possible.”
Raymond and Trent began to make love with a certain caution, as if it were their first time. And in many ways, it was.
EPILOGUE
The Power of Silence
A Letter …
In the solitude of her apartment, Nicole decided to write a friend a letter.
My Dearest Delaney,
I hope this letter finds you, Jody, and Fletcher well and looking forward to the holidays. Jared and I are wonderfully blessed. It’s a beautiful winter day here in the city. The sun is out, but there is a definite chill in the air. The weatherman said we might even have a White Christmas.
I was getting ready to send you one of my annual Christmas letters (please pray that this doesn’t mean I’m becoming more like my mother … smile). Anyway, since you’re such a special friend, Delaney, and you played such an important role in my life this year, I thought you deserved your own letter. It’s funny how the art of letter writing has gone out of style and has been replaced by e-mail and the occasional postcard. Remember when I told you I had over ten pen pals at one time when I was a little girl? Sometimes I miss the days when all it took to excite me was an Alaskan postmark.
I want to thank you once again for showing up when I really needed a friend. I’m so sorry I caused us to lose so much precious time, but I promise I will make it up to you. Thanks also for the Iyanla Vanzant books you sent. Sistah knows she can write and tell the truth. I read from one of her books each and every day no matter what. Even when I’m on top of the world.
Jared is out right now, doing some Christmas shopping. I have no idea what he’s getting me, but I’m thinking about getting him a cashmere overcoat. You do remember how cold it gets here, don’t you? We are thinking about going down to Fisher Island in Florida for a couple of days, but that might change if everything works out with the foster child.
I’m sure I told you Jared and I passed all the interviews and could get a child any day. I’m nervous and excited at the same time. But Jared is even more nervous than I am. Every day he comes home and asks me the same questions: Did the agency call? When is the child coming? Is it going to be a boy or a girl? Just between us I know he wants a boy.
My career is picking up. Please don’t say I told you so. I’ve done some voiceover work and I’ve been approached to do a gig at The China Club. They have this cabaret series on Sunday nights featuring Broadway stars. Can you believe it? Like I’m a star! Speaking of Broadway … did Cedric tell you it looks like Dreamgirls might not be coming to Broadway after all? At least not this summer, but maybe next. I’m dreading the thought of the show coming back before Jared and I move out of the theater district. I hear the producers are having trouble finding a suitable theater, and are thinking about going to London before coming to New York. I’m happy about that, ’cause despite how I was treated, those kids in the show gotta work.
Yancey has called and invited me to lunch a couple of times, but I’ve been really busy with my voice and dance lessons. It’s not like I’m avoiding her or anything, but I’ve thought a lot about what you said. I guess it is possible that she was trying to do me in. But if she really did try to harm me, she doesn’t need enemies … she needs prayer and friends. I keep Yancey and other cast members in my daily prayers. If I’m ready to see her by the time she gets back from London, I might invite her over for tea. I wish her only the best, but sometimes you have to be a friend from a distance. I still find it hard to believe; Yancey seemed so sincere. But don’t worry, from now on I’ll keep both eyes open.
I recently got invited to audition for a new George Wolfe musical, and guess what? I’m one of the female leads! It was a close call, honey, because they had offered the role to La Chanze. You know sister not only can sing, but she’s beautiful too. She turned them down to do Ragtime. After I found out, I started screaming, “Thank you, Father!” as I skipped … yes, child, skipped home from my agent’s office. I guess I got some angels pulling for me.
I’m pulling together a benefit for Peaches and More Than Friends. Jared and I are doing everything possible to make sure she has the money for her down payment. Raymond is coming back to help and I’ve already got the cast of Smokey Joe’s, plus Lillias White (with her singing butt), Brian Stokes Mitchell, and Vanessa L. Williams to perform. It should be just fabulous! I’ll keep you posted about the details. I’d love it if you and Jody and that little manchild of yours can come.
I’ve got a lot on my plate, but I’m looking forward to the new year. This year has been tough, but there have been joyful moments. Finally, I’ve realized how blessed I am to have a husband who loves me despite my faults, and to have someone like you to remind me of the true meaning of friendship. At last, I’ve learned one of the lessons my father always tried to teach me … tough times don’t last long … but tough people do. So I guess you could say I’m getting tougher in my old age.
I’m going to close now. I think I might take a long walk after I drop this letter in the mailbox. I love you, Delaney. Thank you for being my sister and my friend.
Love Always,
Nicole
A Meeting …
It was the first Thursday of the new year. Basil carefully placed his black leather jacket on the coat rack, then rubbed his two hands together and blew his warm breath on them before taking his seat.
“It’s cold out there, Doc,” Basil said as he looked around the office. Today the small space didn’t appear drab and depressing as it had on previous visits. Basil noticed the winter sun beaming through the windows, flooding the office with a natural light.
“How were your holidays?” the doctor asked.
“They were cool. I spent Christmas Day with Campbell and Cade. It was great. My little sister can cook. I mean, she cooked all this food, and I helped Cade play with a lot of the toys I bought him. It was a good day,” Basil said, smiling a slow half-smile.
“So you decided not to go and see your father?”
A thoughtful frown crossed Basil’s face as he said, “He kinda made the decision for me. He went to the Bahamas with one of his lady friends. But he’s not off the hook.”
“You still haven’t told him what you think?”
“Not what I think! What I know. And I’ll tell him when the time is right. Now I’ve got my entire future ahead of me and I’m only going to deal with the past when it’s absolutely necessary. I can’t let what my father and uncle did go without mention, but I’m finally getting a grip on my life. I’m not going to let them or the past ruin it,” Basil said firmly. “Now I’m going to make choices that come from my own strength and not from what other mofos, including my family, might think or feel.”
“Are you and your nephew still getting along great?” the doctor asked. He had decided to change the subject to something more pleasant.
“Yeah. Kids are so amazing. And he’s already enriched my life more than all the mofos I’ve ever met put together. I guess children having a way of doing that,” Basil said.
“You could say that,” the doctor responded.
Basil plopped his left leg over the arm of the chair, then folded his arms over his chest and posed a question to the doctor. “So, Doc, are you gonna miss me while I’m gone?” He had a mischievous little boy’s glint in his eyes.
“Aw, I forgot to tell you. I’m going to take some time off,” Basil said.
“Are you leaving town?”
“Yeah. I forgot to tell you … my little nephew is helping my love life. You should see the way honeys react to me when they see me with Cade. I mean, not that I needed any additional help, but this is a whole new pool of women,” Basil smiled.
“So you’ve met someone?”
“Yeah, I did,” Basil said.
The doctor looked at his watch, then said, “Do you want to tell me about the person? We still have a little time.”
“Sure. This sister is slamming. I mean, she’s beautiful and smart and even though we haven’t hit the skins yet, I know it’s going to be tight. She smells so good. And the way she carries herself. I mean, she’s not like anybody I’ve ever met. This one might be my soul mate,” Basil said confidently. “I was drawn to her like she was a candle and I was the flame,” he added.
“Where and when did you meet her?”
“It hasn’t been that long. We met Christmas morning. I was at Rockefeller Center with Cade, practicing our skating, while Campbell was cooking. You know, Cade and I are getting pretty good at this skating thing,” Basil laughed. “Anyway, she was up by the Christmas tree, but I saw her checking me out. I smiled at her and she smiled back and waved like she knew me.”
“She wasn’t on the rink?”
“Not immediately. I guess she was visiting the Christmas tree. My first reaction was to pick Cade up from the skating rink and run up and find out her name. But I guess that’s one of the changes in me. I mean, I wasn’t only thinking about myself. Cade was having a great time and so was I.”
“How did you meet her?”
Abide with Me Page 29
