by Ali Parker
"It's okay. Just calm down." Tinsley moved in toward Amanda as she screamed and thrashed in the bed below. It would seem she had use of her arms again. She reached up and clawed at Tinsley's face, getting her good.
"Ouch! Dammit." Tinsley glanced up. "Get a sedative."
"No." I moved to the other side of the bed and grabbed Amanda's chin tightly, forcing her to look at me. "Guess what I learned today."
"What?" She calmed almost immediately as tears filled her eyes. "What did you learn?"
Her speech was slurred thanks to the drugs mixed with terror.
"I'm getting a doctor." Tinsley walked away from the bed as I moved to my knees beside it and leaned in with a smile on my face. I moved my fingers from underneath Amanda's chin and rubbed the top of her chest softly like I would my brother's when he was scared.
"I learned why Mr. Jackson calls me a fruit fly."
"I'm scared, Dana," she whispered and glanced around, her eyes growing frantic.
"Don't be. I'm right here, and Kendal will be here as soon as I can get ahold of him, okay?"
"Call him, please?" She gripped my hand tightly and forced me to stop rubbing her.
"I'm here." He walked in and moved to the other side of the bed, dropping to his knees and placing his strong fingers around her hand and mind. "I'm right here. I was on my way up here. Were you throwing another fit just to see me?"
"No." She turned her face toward me and let out a sob. "I don't wanna die, bubba. Please make it stop."
Tears blurred my eyes as I leaned toward her and pressed my cheek to the side of her face. I couldn't look at Kendal, but the soft panting coming from his side of the bed let me know that he was hurting beyond anything any of us could heal. The results were back for Amanda's decreased use of her limbs. She was getting worse... fast. There was little they could do, but the doctor was hoping for a few more good months for her. No one had told Kendal yet, or not that I knew of.
"Fuck," he mumbled and got up, walking to the window and pressing his hands to his face as his shoulders shook violently.
I glanced up as Dr. Lewis walked in. "Hi there, Dana. You doing okay, sweet girl?"
"She's worn out." I stood up, but kept my hold on her hand.
The doctor glanced over at me and nodded. "Let's get you a good nap and then we'll grab anything you want from the cafeteria or get your unruly brother to run down to Burger King like you like. That sound good?"
Amanda nodded and turned a little to look at Kendal. "I'm sorry, bubba. Forgive me."
He turned and shook his head, walking to the bed and reaching down to brush his fingers by her cheek. "No, hush that. I'm just lost right now. I'd give everything I had to have me in that bed and you up here wasting your life on stupid shit."
"What stupid shit?" she mumbled and closed her eyes as Dr. Lewis gave her an injection.
"Nothing, sweetie. Rest and I'll be here when you wake up."
"You promise," she whispered.
He leaned down farther and kissed her forehead several times. "Promise."
My heart ripped in two as he glanced up at Dr. Lewis with so much pain in his expression. "Save her, Nick. Find something that will slow this down."
"I wish I could, old friend." He extended his hand toward Kendal. "You need to start preparing for end of life."
"What?" He pushed Nick's hand back and walked around the bed, his expression crumbling in grief. "You save her. You promised my mother that you would."
"I know, Kendal. I've done all I c-"
"Well, it's not enough!" He walked out into the hallway and turned toward the cafeteria.
"I'm going after him." I got up and walked toward the door, half expecting the lead physician for the floor to tell me to mind my own business. He didn't.
I rounded the corner and saw him standing outside of the hospital in the small garden area out back. I pushed the doors open and stopped before going any farther. What the fuck was I doing? I didn't know Kendal and he was lost in a moment of grief. He had a girlfriend or maybe a mom or dad that he could call, right? Where was everyone?
He turned and slipped his hands into his pockets as he glanced down at the ground. "I'm sorry."
"What? For what?" I let the door close behind me and walked toward him, stopping at a comfortable space between us.
"I don't know." He glanced up and took a long breath. "Fuck me. She's all I have left."
"Where are your parents?" I shouldn't have asked. It was none of my business.
"Mom's dead from MS and dad left us a long time ago." He shrugged and pulled his hands from his pockets to wipe at his face. "It should be me in there."
"Why do you say that?" I reached out and touched his shoulder, knowing that I shouldn't but I couldn't help myself. I was an empath to a fault.
"Amanda would live her life to the fullest. She'd find someone to love and change the world beside him. I can't even match my socks most days." He laughed, but the sound fell flat.
"You wanna grab a cup of coffee? She's going to be resting for a few hours at least."
He didn't respond right away, but instead searched my face as if looking for the meaning to life. I met his stare, unwilling to shy away for fear of seeing something I could come to covet. So much passion and life lay trapped behind the dullness in his eyes. The promise of losing someone had the power to overshadow all else.
"I'd like that." He moved around me and held the door open. "Help me get my mind off of all of this. I'm close to cracking for the first time in a long time."
"Right. It's understandable." I swallowed my questions about his mother's bout with MS and walked beside him to the cafeteria. "I'm an intern here, not sure if you knew that."
"An intern? Really?" His expression softened a little. "And you're studying to be a nurse or a doctor?"
"A nurse for now, but I think I might move to New York next year and try to get into premed." I shrugged. "It's a pipe dream seeing that we're not exactly teeming with money, but who knows."
"No boyfriend or husband to hold you here?" He opened the door to the cafeteria and moved back to let me through. His dark brown hair always seemed to be a little messy, which made me want to reach out and run my fingers through it. The man was dangerous.
"I have a boyfriend, but if we're not talking about any of your depressing stuff, we're certainly not talking about mine." I forced a smile and stopped in front of the coffee machines. I grabbed two cups and handed him one as he moved up close beside me, his shoulder brushing against mine. He was far too handsome not to be swept up in some fantastical love affair.
"Your boyfriend is a depressing conversation?" He smiled down at me. "I almost want to hear this story."
"Misery loves company?" I laughed and pumped the coffee machine as I let my imagination run wild.
His phone rang and he pulled it from his pocket. "Damn. I need to get this. Rain check?"
"Of course. Any time." I took the cup back and forced my disappointment to fade. It was stupid.
"Dinner? Friday night?"
"Just friends?" I turned and lifted my cup to my nose, breathing in deeply.
"Of course." He winked, turned and walked back toward the belly of the hospital.
Could anyone be just friends with a man like Kendal? I doubted it, but I was determined to try.
Chapter 9
Three Days Later
Kendal
Prepare for end of life? How the fuck did someone do that?
I hadn't told Damon or anyone else about my conversation with Dr. Lewis. I just couldn't handle the sympathy that would come from such a conversation, especially from Damon. Bethany had ignored me on Tuesday when she showed up for her TA duties, which was fine. It was easier than having to talk about bullshit when the real stuff that mattered sat on the tip of my tongue.
I needed to get the dark emotions rolling inside of me out, but I wasn't quite sure how.
Having lunch with Damon and dinner with the pretty young nurse from the hospital would he
lp. Maybe.
Eliza was waiting outside of my office as I approached that morning, a smug look on her face.
"There you are." She lifted her watch and tapped it. "Late. Late. Late."
"I'm fashionably late." I shrugged and dangled my keys between us. "Move and let me open the door. You can come in and give me hell while I take a load off."
"You do look like a man with a lot on his mind." She moved back as I got the door opened and unloaded my stuff.
I turned and motioned for her to take the seat across from my desk. "I'm a single thirty-one-year-old professor with a pretty face and a motorcycle. Why wouldn't I have a lot on my mind?"
She laughed and dropped down across from me. "You missed our department meeting yesterday. Why?"
"Ahh shit. Did I really?" I turned and looked up at my calendar. The meeting was written in red handwriting and circled four times. "Did I write that?"
"No, I did." She chuckled. "Yesterday while you were out of your office, after you missed the meeting."
"I did it on purpose." I gave her my full attention as I rested my forearms on my desk. "I couldn't handle another room of people staring at me."
"I get that." She tilted her head to the side a little. "Tell me what's up with you and Heather. Are you seeing her?"
"What? Hell no." I leaned back in my chair and tried to figure out where Eliza was going with the conversation.
"You should. She's beautiful, young, funny..."
"We fucked in college. A lot." I blurted it out before I lost my nerve. "Like more than you'd want to know about. We're both pretending not to know each other, but I fucking can't stand seeing her, Eliza. It's like having someone dig up your worst memories and slash them in your face over and over."
"Oh. Wow." She crossed her legs and stared at me for a few seconds before speaking again. "She talks so highly of you."
"She wants to get together again."
"Like, sex?"
"No, well, I don't know. Whatever she wants, I'm not that boy anymore. I'm a different guy altogether. That bastard was buried when I got my diploma." I brushed my fingers over my lips wondering why the hell I felt comfortable enough to blurt out my darkest shit to a colleague, especially an older woman like Eliza. She was all I had at the moment and it was eating me alive.
"I see. Have you told her all of this? That you're not at all interested anymore?"
"Yes." I stood and slipped my hands into my pockets before I started to pace the small space behind my desk. "She's not going to take no for an answer."
"She said that?"
I glanced over at Eliza. "Yes. She did."
"Go tell Mark, Kendal. That's sexual harassment."
I snorted. "Very funny. As if anyone would take my word over hers."
"All of us would." She stood as well.
"No, you would, but no one else would. I have two strikes against me. One more, whether it's my fault or not and all my years of working hard to come teach right here at UT are gone. Lost." I started to pace again as I studied the carpet beneath me. "She's going to cut my legs out from underneath me unless I give in to her."
"And you really believe this?"
"Hell yeah. I'm half tempted to just give in, but some part of me believes in love. What she and I would have..." I pointed to myself and to the door, "it wouldn't be anything but two people using each other. I just can't do it."
"Good for you. Most men would fall over themselves to get a woman like Heather to notice them."
I snorted. "And they would soon realize the error of their ways."
"Maybe." She walked to the door and paused. "You need to talk with Mark, Kendal. This isn't something to play around with."
"Maybe so. I'll think about it."
"Is there someone else? Another woman who has your attention?"
Dana fluttered by my mind, but I released it quickly. She was a young nurse with a boyfriend who was headed halfway across the country in a year. She was off limits too. It was almost concerning how bad the idea of not getting to invest any of myself in her felt. She wasn't a pupil who needed training or instruction.
No, she seemed like a woman who needed a man. A good one. Something I wasn't.
"Kendal?" Eliza spoke softly.
"Hm? Oh, sorry. No, there is no one else. I'm not that lucky, my friend. Not yet at least."
*
"Wait a minute. You're letting this slutty bitch run all over you because why?" Damon pressed his hands to his face and let his head drop back.
The sun sat high in the sky as we lounged by the pool at the back of his bachelor pad. I could have spent the day laying there, doing nothing, but Damon seemed to be incessant on giving me advice. It must have been to keep him from taking any himself.
"Dude... she's not running all over me." I rolled my eyes and leaned back, closing my eyes and trying to remember why I'd come over in the first place.
"Yes, she is. Put her over your knee and spank her fine ass, or turn her in for being the slut she is." He was resorting back to being the asshole he was in college. Bethany's lack of influence on him was frightening.
"I'm not a twenty-year-old kid with nothing to lose, Damon."
"Do you wanna fuck her?"
"Yes, of course I do. I have a dick. Jeez." I grabbed it for good measure.
He busted out laughing and stood up. "Have I apologized for being so insensitive the other day?"
"No, but there is no need. You're a jerk. I get it."
"Come on, man. Don't do that." He turned toward me and rolled his shoulders. "I'm going nuts without her, Kendal. I need to get her back."
"Then go get her."
"She's gotta come back. Don't you know how this works? I'm not chasing her down after she left her damn ring on my nightstand. How desperate would that be?"
"How desperate are you?"
"Not that much." He walked toward the house. "I'm getting a beer. You want one?"
"Yes." I let my eyes move across the perfectly manicured lawn and felt grateful that money wasn't the solution to my problems. Here Damon had everything and his life was just as fucked up as mine, just in a different way.
"Why aren't you sleeping with Heather again? The woman is willing to do anything in the bedroom."
"You sleep with her." I took the beer as he growled.
"I'm not sleeping with anyone but Beth."
"You don't have Beth."
"It's temporary." He shrugged and popped the top on his beer. "She's going to come around."
"You need to grow the fuck up." I tossed the top to my bottle at him. "She's not one of the usual whores you take home, Damon. She's a sweet girl with a great heart."
"You getting sweet on her?"
"And if I was?" I was more than willing to toss him around the yard a little if he wanted to get aggressive with me. It would do us both some good for sure. Even at thirty-one, we were both fit enough to give the other a run for his money.
"Shit. You'd be a better match for her." He lifted his beer to his lips.
"Then let her go."
"Never. Are you kidding me? She makes me feel alive, even now. I can't remember hurting this bad since walking in on my mother and that fucker she was cheating on dad with. Emotions... all of them are welcomed in my life. I hate the devastation of loss fucking me up right now, but it's still mine to own. I love her."
"You guys are idiots." I drank deeply of the cold beer and closed my eyes. "I'm not sleeping with Heather."
"And you're a good man for it. Now, who are you sleeping with?"
"No one. It's been two years, and no one." I got up, not wanting to get in a discussion about sex with the king of cum himself.
"We need to take you out, man. Seriously? How are you surviving?"
"Just fine." I shrugged and finished the beer.
"You always have been a horrible liar."
"Yeah, I know." I tossed the bottle in the pool just to hear him bitch about it.
"Come on, asshole." He got up as I laughed.
"There is this one girl. She's an intern at the hospital."
"An intern?" He handed me his beer and picked up the pool net to fish out my bottle. "How old is this intern?"
"I don't know. Twenty-four maybe?"
"Cradle robber." He smiled over his shoulder.
"You've no room to talk."
"I'm a single man. What are you talking about?" He tossed the wet bottle at me, spraying my button down and slacks with a handful of water.
"I deserved that." I finished his beer and pitched it into the pool and he growled loudly. Why pissing him off felt so good was beyond me, but boy did it.
"Tell me about this girl. Does she know CPR because I'm seriously considering drowning your ass if you throw another thing in the pool?" He worked on getting the bottle out as I sunk back down into my chair.
"She's beautiful, man. Long black hair, full lips, hazel-colored eyes, big round bottom and thin waist." I groaned loudly and closed my eyes.
"Don't come in my pool chair, dude. I've seen enough of your shit in my day. We're grown up now, remember?" He snorted as I smiled.
"You miss it." I tossed the bottle in my hand at him and he caught it.
"No, I miss my woman. I just have to move past my pride and figure out how the hell to get her back."
I nodded and checked my watch. "I gotta get back. I need to grade some papers before my date tonight."
"Hold up. Date tonight? The nurse?" He walked back toward me and offered me a hand.
I swatted it away and got up. "Yeah, the nurse."
"Why’ve you been up at the hospital so much lately? Mandy not doing well?"
"No, man. She's not." I shrugged. "Dr. Lewis said to start preparing for-"
The air in my lungs left me as I struggled to make out the rest of my sentence.
"Hell no, Kendal. When did you talk to him?"
"On Tuesday." I glanced down at my hands and took deep breaths through my nose. "I can't even imagine life without her."
"Shit, dude. Why didn't you call me?" He gripped my shoulders tightly before dragging me into a tight hug. "We’ll get through this, okay? I'm right here. I'd do anything you need me to. You guys need more money? You can have all of mine."
