by Lesley Crewe
Gertie made a huge picnic lunch for the trip. The car was packed to the rafters. There were a lot of hugs and kisses.
Joan held onto Liz. “You’re doing the right thing. I think you and the girls need to get away for a while. Not that we won’t miss you, but sometimes a change of scene helps.”
“Thank you for everything. I’ll miss you.”
Gertie tried to put on a brave face when she hugged Bay. “Don’t worry. I’ll visit Bobby every chance I get.”
“Thanks, Gertie. You’re the best.”
“Well, hurry up and go, so you can hurry up and get back.”
Finally they were in the car. Bay was the driver, with her mother in the front seat and Tansy in the back with the huge hamper of food. Everyone waved and Bay honked the horn as they pulled out of the driveway and headed down the road.
When they arrived at Norma’s, she did everything possible to make them comfortable. She was a single woman who lived in a lovely old Victorian home and had more than enough room for them. She’d been a music teacher all her life and still gave piano lessons to children after school.
Norma moved Liz into the cozy front bedroom and got the girls settled in the large bedroom at the back of the house that overlooked the garden. A big turkey dinner waited for them that first night and after they had their fill, Norma told the girls that their mother had explained the situation and she wanted them to know that if this was their decision, she’d take the secret to her grave. She was in their corner.
It was such an enormous relief to have someone else know what they were doing and why. They agreed coming to Fredericton was the best thing that could have happened.
Three days later, they made their phone calls back home.
“I can’t believe it,” Gertie sobbed. “This is a blessing. Bobby’s child! Oh, Bay, I can’t tell you how happy I am. I’m thrilled for you.”
When Bay didn’t say anything, Gertie stopped gushing. “You are happy, aren’t you?”
“Of course I’m happy,” she whispered. “I just miss him.”
“Oh dear, of course you do. Don’t worry, Bay. We’ll get through it together. We’ll all help.”
“Thanks, Gertie.”
“Did you know you were pregnant when you were here? Of course, you must have. I can’t believe you kept it a secret.”
“I didn’t want to jinx anything, so I waited until the first three months were over. I needed to keep it to myself.”
“Of course. So does this mean you’ll come home sooner than you thought?”
“I’ve been thinking I may have the baby here.”
“Oh?”
“It’s hard. Everywhere I go at home, Bobby is there. I can only face it again when I have someone else to hold in my arms. Does that make sense?”
“Listen, Bay, you need to do whatever feels right. Whatever you decide, I’m a hundred percent behind you. Of course now I have to get to Fredericton. I can’t imagine not seeing you preggers! Oh, this is so exciting.”
Bay had to think fast. “Actually, Gertie, I have a big favour to ask you.”
“Anything.”
“Mom and I will send you the money. We need a nursery. Tansy said she’d move into my room with me, since my room is bigger, and her room can be the baby’s room. I need you to dismantle Tansy’s room and fix it up for the baby. You can paint or wallpaper, whatever you think is best. Buy all the baby equipment and have it ready for when we get home. I trust you to do a fabulous job, and you have five months to do it.”
“Oh wow, I’d love to.”
“You’ve lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, Gertie, as you always do. I’ll never be able to repay you.”
“Yes, you will. I expect you to name the baby Gertie.”
They laughed. It felt good.
Tansy’s contractions started in the middle of the night. She lay in the dark and asked her baby to stay with her a while longer. The baby obliged until sunrise and then Tansy had no choice. She called to Bay, who immediately jumped up from a sound sleep and ran to her bedside. “Is it time?”
Tansy nodded. Bay ran out of the room calling for her mother.
They brought her to the hospital and the staff settled her in a room. The doctor came in and said she was four centimetres dilated, so she still had a long way to go. He said he’d be back later. Bay and her mother started to settle in. That’s when Tansy spoke.
“I don’t want you here.”
They looked at each other and then at her.
“What do you mean?” Bay said. “We can’t leave you alone. What if you need us?”
“I won’t.”
“You don’t want me in the delivery room with you?”
“No.”
“But—”
“I said no.”
“Mom, tell her—”
“If that’s what Tansy wants, we should respect that.”
Her mother came over to her bed and put her hand on Tansy’s head. “You’re a brave girl. You’re going to be fine. Your sister and I will be waiting for you. I love you very much.” She kissed her cheek, squeezed her hand, and quickly left the room. Bay stood there a moment longer.
“Well, all right, then. If you’re sure.”
Tansy nodded.
Bay also went to her bedside and kissed her. “I love you. Stay safe.”
When Bay left the room, Tansy put her hands on her belly. “It’s okay now. We’re alone.”
She was in labour for over fifteen hours. Every time the nurses asked if she wanted something for the pain, she refused it. This was the last time she and her baby would be together and she wanted to feel every second of it. They couldn’t know that contractions were nothing compared to the mental torture she’d been through the last nine months.
They asked if she wanted her family with her, but she’d shake her head no. She saw them look at each other with pity in their eyes. One of them told her it was all right to scream, but Tansy didn’t make a sound. Her whole being was with her baby and she needed to be calm and not miss a moment of it.
On the delivery table they told her to push. She didn’t want to. She tried not to, but that primal urge took over and she had to do it. She wanted to scream then.
When the doctor told her she had a daughter, everything receded into the background. The only thing she saw was her little girl. They put her on her chest and Tansy wrapped her arms around her. The baby opened her eyes and looked at her. She gave a little cry but settled when Tansy kissed her head.
If the doctor and nurses thought it strange that Tansy never said a word, she wasn’t aware of it. She’d forgotten they were in the room.
She only had words for her daughter. She lifted her baby closer and held her lips up to her ear. “Mommy will always love you. Please remember that. Know that I wanted you. And know that I loved your daddy.”
When her mother and sister came into the room, Tansy’s baby was tucked into the baby cart beside her bed. Tansy had her hand on her daughter’s back, because she knew she couldn’t hold her when Bay first saw her.
They immediately started to cry, her mother in particular. They gathered around the baby and made all those noises women make when a beautiful infant is within their grasp. Her mother came around the other side of the bed so she could put her arms around Tansy. She held her like that for a long time. There were no words.
And then Bay said, “May I hold her?”
Tansy nodded.
Bay picked up her niece and held her against her heart. “Hello, sweetheart. Oh, Tansy, she’s utterly beautiful.” Bay touched her cheek. “Did you pick a name?”
“Ashley Elizabeth.”
Bay looked up and smiled. “Really? After me and Mom?”
Tansy nodded again.
“That’s sweet,” her mother said. “May I have a turn?”
She sat in the chair beside the bed and Bay put Ashley in her grandmother’s arms. “Oh, girls, how I wish your dad could see her.”
Tansy looked away.
Bay sat on the bed and held Tansy’s hand. “Was it hard?”
“No.”
“Is this hard?”
“Yes.”
So hard, in fact, that when the time came for the Gillis women to go home to Louisbourg, Tansy told them she wasn’t going back with them. Norma had a friend in Ottawa who could get her a sales job in a department store, and who’d agreed to let Tansy stay with her until she got on her feet.
It was a dreadful goodbye.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
1986
Three years later, Tansy lived in Toronto and had a roommate. She’d met Cecily when she worked in Ottawa and before too long they decided that Toronto would be a more exciting place to be. They ended up working at the Eaton Centre, Tansy at a high-end boutique and Cecily in the trenches at Reitman’s. Their apartment was downtown, which always impressed people until they visited. It was awful, but since it was cheap and they were never home anyway, they didn’t care.
Tansy liked Cecily because she was never serious about anything. Everything was a good time. They always laughed together, and at night when their shifts were over, they’d head down to one of their favourite dance clubs and stay there until closing time. It was great entertainment and it cost them nothing; they never bought their own drinks.
But they did try to look out for each other, especially after one night when Cecily went back to some guy’s place after closing time, returning in the morning with a black eye and bruises all over her arms. She didn’t want to talk about it.
Tansy didn’t worry as much about that sort of thing. She tended to stay away from guys her own age. She’d gravitate towards the men in suits, the business types from the financial district who came down for a couple of drinks before they headed back to the suburbs and their wives.
That’s how she got her first modelling gig. A man who’d chatted her up for weeks gave her the business card of a friend who was looking for girls. Tansy told him she wasn’t stupid and didn’t do porn. He said the guy was legitimate and it turned out he was. He got Tansy a lot of work over the years. She was always sorry she hadn’t been nicer to the guy who gave her the card.
And then one night, after a shitty day at work, she found herself drunk and alone at the club. She couldn’t find Cecily for some reason, and the two guys she was dancing with were too close for comfort. They constantly rubbed themselves up against her. She tried to leave the dance floor, but they boxed her in and she became frightened. She kneed the jerk in front of her and when he bent over in pain, she slipped away, but his friend caught up with her near the bathrooms. He pushed her into the men’s room, took her by the throat, and shoved her up against the wall.
“Who do you think you are, hurting my friend like that?”
Tansy couldn’t speak.
He knocked her head back one more time and squeezed her neck. “How would you like it if I hurt you?” He rammed his hand between her legs. “I can think of lots of ways to hurt you, bitch.”
Tansy couldn’t breathe.
The door opened and a couple of men came in. They quickly grabbed the guy and threw him to the floor, asking if she was okay. She nodded and ran out the door into the ladies room, only just reaching the toilet before she was sick.
She took a cab home and was treated to the spectacle of Cecily having sex with a stranger on their couch.
“Where were you?” Tansy cried.
Cecily was drunk. She didn’t have the decency to be embarrassed. “Who are you, my mother?”
The guy thought that was a riot.
Tansy ran to her room and slammed the door. She didn’t sleep all night, going over and over how it felt to have that man’s hand around her neck. Any one of those men could snap it like a twig. What the hell was she doing, putting herself in that kind of danger?
She had the next day off, which was helpful because she was hungover and exhausted. Cecily didn’t speak to her on her way out the door in the morning and Tansy didn’t speak to her either. She took her coffee into her bedroom; she never wanted to sit on that damn couch again. As she sat in bed and looked out the window at the brick building next door, she wished she was a smoker. This was a scenario that called for at least a half a pack.
Tansy put the mug down on her bureau and saw the mail she’d brought in the day before but hadn’t had a chance to look at. Picking it up, her heart skipped a beat when she tossed the power bill aside and saw her mother’s handwriting. The envelope was thick. That meant there were pictures of Ashley inside.
There were times when she looked forward to gazing at her daughter’s face. And there were other times when it damn near killed her. And this was one of those times. Did she really want to see Ashley on the swing with Bay? Eating an ice cream cone? Dressed up as a bunny for Halloween?
She debated whether she should open it. If she weren’t so lonely, she would have put it aside for another day, but she found herself running her thumb under the flap of the envelope.
Ashley was three now. That adorable age. In the first picture she sat at the kitchen table on a booster seat in a pair of pyjamas with feet. She was obviously just out of the tub; her blonde curls were damp. She had a milk mustache on her upper lip and held a graham cracker in her hand. Mom or Bay must have told her to say cheese, because she had a silly grin that showed all her teeth. Her perfect little teeth.
In the next one she held her favourite toy duck. She’d carried that thing around ever since she could walk. With every picture the duck was flatter and flatter and sometimes it was dirty and sometimes it was clean. Her mother told her they washed it at night after Ashley was in bed so she wouldn’t miss it.
But there was always one picture that tore her guts out. She was never sure why some pictures were so painful. There was no way to brace for it as she looked through them. The minute she saw the next one, she knew this was the one. Her mother had taken a photo of Bay and Ashley as they walked down the road. They must have been off to the store for milk, or maybe Bay was taking her to feed the ducks. They were a little too far away from the camera, so they looked like shadows on the sunny street. Bay held Ashley’s hand and looked down at her as Ashley looked up.
A mother and daughter moment.
Tansy traced the picture. Because it was a shadow it was easy to imagine that it was her in the picture. It looked like her. And from that moment, it was. She took a safety pin and pinned the picture to the wall exactly at eye level, where she lay on her pillow. She’d be able to lie on her side and stare at it until she went to sleep. There was no point in looking at the other photos. They could wait. But she did open her mother’s letter, and was sorry she did.
Dear Tansy,
How are you, honey? I haven’t heard from you in a while. I know you’re busy but if you could call a little more often I’d appreciate it. Whenever I call your apartment you’re not there. I hope that means you’re having fun in the big city…but not too much fun!
As you can see, Ashley is doing well. She bumped her head last week on the pantry door so she had a bit of a bruise, but she’s fine now. She was very excited the other day when Gertie came over with finger puppets she’d made for her. She pranced around all morning with them on and cried when she had to take them off to eat her lunch.
We have some news. Bay got a job at the post office. It’s only part-time, but you never know where it might lead. Bev Murrant isn’t getting any younger and once she retires there will be an opening, unless they give it to someone with more seniority who works somewhere else, but we’ll keep our fingers crossed.
I’m feeling good, although I had to go on blood pressure medication. But it’s nothing to worry about.
The reason I’m writing is your sister. Bay’s been down lately and I know it’s because she’s missing you. She never says anything, because she knows how hard it must be for you to see her with Ashley, even in the pictures we send. She understands the reasons you stay away, but I know she never thought you’d stay away for years at a time. An
d quite frankly, I didn’t think that would happen either.
When we decided to do this, I assumed you’d be here more often. Obviously young people go away to get jobs, especially around here, but they do come home for holidays and family occasions and I thought that’s the way it would work for us. We’re such a little family now. When you didn’t come home for Christmas last year, there was a real sense of loss. And if I’m being perfectly honest, people are starting to talk. Even Gertie asked me the other day when you’d be home to see your niece.
I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, dear. I just wanted you to know how it is. I was hoping that maybe you’d consider coming home this Christmas. I’ve enclosed a cheque for you to buy a plane ticket, and I’ve given you a little extra. It’s not a bribe! I spend money on your sister and the baby and I miss spending money on you. I worry that you need money but you’re too proud to tell me. You know your father wouldn’t want to see you without, and in three years you’ve never asked me for anything, so please take this and sock it away in case you ever need it.
I love you, Tansy. And I miss you. We all do.
Mom xoxox
Tansy pulled out the cheque. It was for ten thousand dollars.
“Oh, Mom, what have you done?”
She didn’t tell them she was coming home for Christmas.
When she called her mom to thank her for the money, her mother never mentioned Christmas, and Tansy didn’t bring it up either, because then it would seem like a bribe. When Bay got on the phone she was cheerful. A little too cheerful. She asked about Toronto and Tansy asked about the new job. They talked a little bit about Ashley, but not much. Tansy liked to hear about her daughter from her mother, that way it was not as personal. Bay must have sensed that, and she never said more than she had to.
Tansy decided that if she had to do this thing, she would fly in the day before. The days leading up to Christmas had always been her favourite time of the holidays. She didn’t want to be around for the baking and wrapping and decorating. She’d arrive in the afternoon and they could go to the Christmas Eve church service so everyone in town would see that they were a “normal” family that did get together for the holidays. Then surely a three-year-old would go to bed early. Christmas morning would be a blur. She’d be able to choke down Christmas dinner and stay for one more day to make it seem like she really wanted to be there, but then use the excuse that she had to get back to work. That was as much as she would do. If her mother wanted more than that, she’d have to slit her wrists.
