The nature of our singular relationship has forced us to confront those differences and examine the way we treat each other. While it’s true that Janelle and I each chose to marry Kody, we weren’t truly aware of the relationship and struggles that lay ahead. Because of our commitment to our family, we have to find a path down which we can travel together.
One of the benefits of polygamy is that as you grow in the religion, you are forced to examine yourself and your treatment of others, especially your sister wives, with whom you often have complicated relationships. Polygamists and polygamous families are often works in progress. Janelle and I have never had a close relationship—we don’t gossip on the phone or grab lunch in our free time. I don’t think that we will ever sit down and tell each other our deep, dark secrets. But we are family, and for that reason we love each other.
We’ve worked hard to develop a good and functional relationship because we’ve come to understand that this is what is best for the family, and when it comes to family, we share the same values. We are not just good with each other’s kids, we absolutely love each one of them. We are devoted to our lifestyle and to the hard work we’d discovered it takes to make it work. We’ve learned that there will always be bumps in the road, but the work is certainly worth it.
On February 6, 2006, my younger sister Teresa passed away after an eleven-month battle with colon cancer. This was an unbelievably difficult experience for me, but it forced me to confront my own mortality. It made me realize that should something happen to me, there would be two (and now three) women in Mariah’s life who would raise her in precisely the way I would have wished. She would be loved and cared for by a stable and miraculous family. For me, there could be no greater blessing.
Despite the fact that our living situation and Kody’s work situation stabilized, I still felt the need to carve out my own space in the boisterous and often chaotic Brown family. Since I only have one child, I often felt slighted in family decisions. Although I voiced my opinions perhaps a little too aggressively, I still felt as if I wasn’t being taken into consideration.
It’s easy to lose yourself in a big family. When we lived in Wyoming when the older kids were young, Christine and I homeschooled them and handled the household upkeep. While Janelle was working full-time, Christine and I each worked part-time so that at least one of us moms could be home with the kids all the time. When we moved back to Utah when Mariah was ten, I started working immediately, while Christine took on the duty of the homemaker mom. I realized that while nothing trumps my commitment to the family, it’s important to have things that I can do myself and for myself.
Over time, my insecurity about having only one child grew. As Mariah got older and was more independent, I began to wonder how important I was to the everyday goings-on of our family. I began to wonder if it would even matter if I wasn’t around. I never really considered leaving, but was anxious about my place and function in our daily lives. I felt insignificant, to myself and definitely to Janelle and Christine. To me, it didn’t seem as if they saw any point to my being in the family. I knew that I would have to make some changes if I were to regain my own identity and happiness.
I had always wanted to go to college, but since Kody and I married so young, I didn’t give myself this chance. However, I didn’t want to start school unless I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do. My family often jokes about my sudden, intuitive ideas they call “popcorn thoughts”—ideas that pop into my head from out of nowhere. One morning as I was getting ready for work, I had one of these so-called popcorn thoughts. I had the notion that I was going to work with at-risk youth. It completely surprised me, and I tried to push the thought aside, but as the days and weeks passed, and the thought kept nagging at me, I figured I needed to pay attention to it.
Finally, I told Kody about it. At first I don’t think he understood how serious I was about it, and therefore he didn’t seem very supportive of me. However, the idea didn’t disappear. I began to realize that I needed an outlet outside of the family. I really wanted to do something for myself, as well as something that would help others. I think that the fact that I had only one child, which made me feel at times less significant than my sister wives, really propelled me to search for something that would fulfill me.
When I enrolled at Utah Valley University and took classes in counseling, Kody realized how committed I was to this new career. Both he and my sister wives were very encouraging—everyone helped out as I balanced the demands of my new course load against those of my job and family. Eventually, I got a job working with the residential staff at a treatment center for troubled teens. I was incredibly satisfied with my job. I was eager to get my degree and start working as a counselor myself.
I think that due to the space that each of us wives had for ourselves, coupled with how easy it was to come together as a large family unit in our new home, things had stabilized in our household. We had all become used to one another’s quirks and differences. We all had a maturity about us, because of our age and the length of time we had been together as a family raising our kids. Not all of the relationships in the house were fully functional, but we had learned how to put aside minor disagreements for the greater good. I think the fact that Janelle and I were both happy in our professions, and Christine seemed to be doing a great job at home, really added to the general happy attitude in the home.
After sixteen years—and thirteen kids!—Kody, Janelle, Christine, and I had figured out who we were as a family and how to make things work. We were a well-oiled unit and we could see this reflected in our children’s happiness. Although the Brown family was functioning, my relationship with Kody was floundering. After nearly twenty years of marriage, issues that we had left to simmer had begun to boil over.
Around the time that Kody and I were suffering through this low point in our marriage, we decided to take a drive together. It was a particularly good day for us, as we had been working on improving our relationship and the communication between us. We were passing by our friend Reba’s house and we stopped to say hello. A young woman, Reba’s cousin, was outside loading her children into a van in order to drive back home to southern Utah. We started chatting. I felt an immediate connection to her. After we drove away, I was instantly struck by one of my “popcorn thoughts”: This woman is someone who will be in our lives. Of course, that woman was Robyn.
I shared my thoughts with Kody that night, which was the first step on the path of welcoming her into our family. Until that time, I wasn’t sure if Kody would ever marry again. If he did, I would have never imagined my being so closely involved from the start.
We soon discovered that Robyn was divorced but believed in the principle of plural marriage. Kody and I began to talk about her between ourselves. It didn’t seem necessary to bring up the subject of Robyn to the rest of the family until it was more apparent that there might be a potential for courtship—so she became a little connection that Kody and I shared, a sweet special bond in a time of turmoil between us.
Since things were rocky between Kody and me, it was a little unusual to consider bringing a new wife into the picture, especially given that I never, ever thought that Robyn would solve my problems with Kody. I just felt drawn to her in a way that satisfied me. I wanted her as a friend and I had a clear vision of her in our lives. Janelle and Christine had not yet met her, so this little relationship between Kody, Robyn, and me felt special.
At first, the three of us had a wonderful friendship. But when the time came for Robyn to start exploring her relationship with Kody on a deeper and more personal level, things became difficult for me. I had been instrumental in bringing Robyn and Kody together and now I wasn’t needed anymore. Since Robyn lived so far away, Kody had to spend much more time away from the house in order to court her. At first, he’d take a wife and a couple of kids with him on these trips, as the whole family would need to get to know Robyn and her children. Eventually, it was better for him to not include the wives, as
he and Robyn deserved and needed time alone to build their own relationship. Robyn’s presence transformed from something that filled me with joy to something that made me extremely lonely, as well as feeling the love that Kody and I shared was once again being threatened.
Kody and Robyn started courting at the absolute low point of my marriage. Our twenty-year anniversary was fast approaching and I was learning that so much time together will either make you or break you. Kody and I have very different ways of communicating. He is happy to just stop talking about the issue and move on, never discussing it, and considering it dealt with, while I really need to discuss it and achieve some kind of closure on the subject. Because of our different communication styles, Kody and I found it easier to ignore our problems instead of addressing them. Things that might have been solved quickly suddenly ballooned. Over a twenty-year marriage, with all the pressures of other wives and other kids, this led to a significant amount of misunderstanding and strife between us.
When Kody and Robyn began courting, I realized that the two of us needed to take steps to repair our own relationship. Because I felt insignificant and insecure in my relationship with Kody, I struggled with all the time that he needed to spend with Robyn and her kids in southern Utah. Again, I turned inward and began to wonder what benefit I was to this family. Kody and I were hanging by a thread and he was off courting someone else. Even though courting Robyn had been partly my idea, the reality of the situation was very difficult for me.
I liked Robyn, and I felt a connection to her, and I wanted Kody to court her, but when it came down to it and I was actually dealing with those emotions on top of the emotions I was already having in my struggling relationship with Kody, it became very difficult to deny the hurt.
Kody and I had fallen into a vicious cycle with each other, dealing with hurt, anger, rejection, and sadness. It got to the point where we didn’t really enjoy being around each other, and when we were together, we could barely say anything without setting the other off. We talked little, and enjoyed each other’s company even less. I felt as if Kody was shutting me out of his life almost completely. Eventually, we had to look at each other deep and hard and decide what we really wanted. How committed were we, and were we willing to fight for each other, and get back what we once had?
Kody and I decided together that we needed to see a marriage counselor. We needed to feel solid in our relationship as he moved on with his courtship with Robyn. I know Robyn was also anxious for us to mend our marriage before she came into our family. It took a long time, and a lot of hard sessions with us being absolutely open and honest with each other. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It was also the best thing I have ever done. This counselor helped us work through our problems and uncover a common language with which to communicate. Kody learned to be more patient with me when I brought my problems to him. He learned to let me talk them out. I was able to confront my anger and started to understand that sometimes my aggressive attitude made it difficult for Kody to listen to me. It took a lot of hard work, but now Kody and I are at our absolute best. We are still (or again) very much in love. It is a wonderful thing knowing that Kody is absolutely my soul mate.
Our counselor had previously worked with plural families and was open and understanding about the joys and difficulties of our lifestyle. Meeting with this marriage counselor only strengthened my commitment to getting my own license so that I could use my experience in a polygamous family to help other polygamists who are struggling with themselves, their spouses, or their sister wives.
When she decided to join our family, Robyn took an active role in trying to forge a good relationship with me. She was patient with me and took the time to listen to me when I was struggling with my feelings and emotions. She began to see the same counselor that Kody and I did. Sometimes we did counseling as a group of three and sometimes Robyn and I did our own “couples counseling” in order to work through our issues before they were allowed to fester and blow up into large-scale disagreements and struggles.
The relationship between Kody and Robyn was new and exciting, and I could see how happy they were together. Since Kody and I had been married for so long, and our relationship was in a different stage—added to the fact that we were in a really tough spot—it was easy for me to put the blame on Robyn. In my head, I was sure that Kody wouldn’t be treating me so unfairly if it wasn’t for her presence in our lives. Kody was my husband, so I couldn’t blame him, and surely I couldn’t be at fault, so in my mind, the obvious answer was Robyn. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Robyn and I needed to figure out how to have a healthy friendship outside of our marriages to Kody, and I had to learn not to blame Robyn for my own struggles with Kody. I had to begin looking inward and admit my own shortcomings so I could improve myself. I needed to learn how to be open to seeing myself how I truly was appearing to people, and open to allowing Robyn into my world. My relationships with Janelle and Christine were longtime relationships, and we were comfortable where we were, but I wasn’t completely happy with either of them. Janelle and I have learned how to function well together. We don’t have an extremely close relationship, but it’s good. Christine and I know how to goof off and have fun together. Our relationship is good on a surface level, but has absolutely no depth to it. When I first met Robyn, I knew there was a special closeness waiting for us, but I needed to learn how to be available and safe for her to want to let me in. If I hadn’t been able to examine myself and be willing to begin my journey of improving myself, I wouldn’t have found the sweet, close, sister wife bond that I had always hoped for. Robyn and I have arrived at such a wonderful place, which is a testament to me of what a beautiful principle our family has engaged in. Sometimes, when it’s Kody’s night at my house, Robyn and her kids will spend the evening with us, visiting or watching TV, or laughing at her little girls as they sing karaoke. I’ve never had to ask her to give Kody and me space; she is so sensitive and aware of what I need that she’s always a step ahead. We have learned to respect each other’s marriages and, out of this, our own friendship has grown beyond strong.
Of course, there can always be the little, silly struggles I have with my sister wives. We are all figuring out a way to interact with Kody when the five of us are together in public or private. We are all uncomfortable with him being affectionate with another sister wife in front of us. When we’re all together at one wife’s house, and the family get-together has ended, we’ve learned that we need to allow Kody a little time and space with each wife as she leaves to go home with her children. It would be uncomfortable for all of us to be standing there waiting to leave as he went down the line kissing each of us good night!
I want more privacy than that, and I think each wife deserves the same thing. There’s an emotional intimacy that Kody has with each of his wives that is private and personal to each of us, and we need to allow one another the time and space to embrace it. Some might think that after being married for so long, it wouldn’t bother us to see Kody kissing or hugging or saying “I love you” to someone else. It is really more a matter of respecting one another’s space and relationship than it is of jealousy.
It’s not a hard-and-fast rule, but I believe that one of the key factors in being a good sister wife is having the ability to see the needs of another sister wife and considering her needs more important than your own. I have been on both the giving and receiving end, and not only does it help build my relationship with Kody, but it strengthens my relationships with all my sister wives. Also, it is very important to allow Kody and a wife to have their own relationship, not having to be bothered with outside concerns. We have a lot of family time that involves all of us, but when it’s time for Kody and a wife to have their own time, I make it a habit to not call him unless it’s something extremely important. Even at that, I will usually just text him, and allow him to respond when it’s convenient for him. For me, it’s as simple as “do unto others….” I
wouldn’t want my time with Kody to be interrupted unnecessarily, so I make a point of respecting my sister wives’ time with him equally.
One of the benefits of plural marriage is that you are forced to confront your own weakness of character and work on being the best wife, sister, and mother you can be. I’m confident that I would not be the person I am today if I had chosen a monogamous marriage.
When Robyn married Kody, she thanked Janelle, Christine, and me for training him to be the guy he is now. Like myself, Kody is so much more emotionally mature than he was when we married. But Robyn is not the sole beneficiary of this growth. After twenty-two years, Kody and I are better than ever. We share a deep and passionate love, and finally understand each other’s love language.
When we moved to Las Vegas, we soon discovered that we weren’t going to be able to find a house both large enough for the family and with the specific qualities we needed. We decided instead on four separate homes so each wife and her children would have the space they needed to nurture their individual relationships with Kody, while at the same time choosing homes close enough together that we could still function as a family. While I wish for Mariah’s sake that she could be closer to her siblings, I’ve really learned to love my space. Some days, I want the chaos of the whole family, and some nights, when Kody isn’t around, I want to be able to sit up and watch TV, read a book, or work on a project as late as I want without disturbing anybody. Essentially, I have the best of both worlds.
Since we moved to Las Vegas, and are in separate homes with an even busier schedule than we once had, I don’t always see Kody every day. In fact, recently we went five full days without seeing each other! With the growth that our relationship has had in the past couple of years, I often think of the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” When I do see Kody, it always feels new and refreshing. We’ve missed each other and we are delighted to see each other.
Sister Wives Page 10
