“It’s a gift.”
“Obviously,” Aric said, his shoulders stiffening as the men stepped off the curb and walked in our direction. “Stay cool.”
“I’m always cool,” I said. “If they try to ruin my ice cream experience, though, I’m totally going to set them on fire.”
“Try not to draw attention to us if you can help it,” Aric said, giving his cone another lick. “I would hate for you to go all Firestarter so close to the wedding. That will make getting people to serve as wait staff difficult.”
“I didn’t think of that,” I said. “Good point.”
Aric didn’t respond because his eyes were locked with Billy Ray’s. “Can I help you?”
“I’m just here to get some ice cream. That’s not against the law, is it?” Billy Ray tried to project ease, but it was obvious he was coiled and ready for action.
Aric shook his head. He has a tough guy exterior when situations like this arise. It’s beyond cute. He reminds me of the Fonz. Never tell him I said that.
“You should get something with hot fudge,” I suggested. “Today is a good day for hot fudge.”
“You don’t have hot fudge,” one of the other men pointed out. He wasn’t quite as eighties as Billy Ray, although he did bear a striking resemblance to Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club. It was almost uncanny.
“I was in the mood for sprinkles,” I replied. “You don’t look like you can handle sprinkles. That’s why I suggested the hot fudge.”
“I’ll take it under advisement,” Billy Ray said, his eyes bouncing between Aric and me. “Are you guys local?”
“No.” I answered before Aric had a chance to take control of the situation. I was frustrated after two hours with my mother and Helen. If I couldn’t take it out on them there was no way I was going to look this gift gathering of tools in the mouth. “We’re from London. We just stopped here on our way to a family reunion.”
Judd Nelson glanced at Billy Ray, unsure. “I … are you sure you’re not from around here?”
“Nope. We’re definitely from London. I live on top of the Eiffel Tower.”
“That’s Paris, baby,” Aric said.
“Close enough.”
“I need to get you some culture for our honeymoon,” Aric said, smirking.
“I would totally go to London,” I said. “Wait … England is where Stonehenge is, right?”
Aric nodded.
“I want to see that,” I said.
“I’ll consider it for a vacation down the road,” Aric said. “We’re getting naked on a beach for this trip, and London is never warm.”
“Fine,” I said, blowing out a dramatic sigh before turning back to our friends. “Why are you still here?”
“We know who you are,” Billy Ray said, his tone ominous. “We know … what … she is.”
“Oh, that was awesome,” I said. “They think they’re being smart and talking in code.”
“I noticed that,” Aric said. “It’s a little pathetic, isn’t it?”
“Nothing is pathetic compared to that haircut,” I replied. “Hey, Billy Ray, the eighties called and they want their mullet back. The dump also called. It wants the rest of your ensemble back.”
Aric snickered as he bit into his cone. From all outward appearances he was relaxed. I knew he was ready to spring into motion should it become necessary. I doubted it would. These wolves were big on boasting, but I had a feeling their follow through would be negligible.
“She’s an abomination against nature,” Billy Ray said. “She doesn’t belong here. Given your … standing … in certain circles, I’m surprised your father is allowing you to mate with her.”
Ugh. “Mate” is one of those wolf words that give me the heebie-jeebies. I keep picturing weird animal sex. Yes, technically Aric turns into an animal when the moon is full … or he gets bored … or he wants to win an argument … but we don’t have freaky sex when he’s in a different form. That’s sick.
“My father has no say in who I mate with,” Aric replied, forcing a smile for a mother and son as they scampered past us in the direction of the Dairy Queen. “It just so happens he likes my choice.”
“You can’t be serious,” Judd Nelson scoffed. “She’s … a freak.”
“Dude, you change into an animal and lick your private parts,” I said, keeping my voice low enough that the mother and child couldn’t hear. “You’re also wearing a bandana over your hair like a do-rag. If the eighties is after your friend, the nineties is after you. They’re both pissed, by the way. Sometimes you should let dead fashion trends rest in peace. Either way, you guys have no room to cast stones at anyone. Don’t even think of calling me a freak.”
“That was a mouthful, baby,” Aric said. “I’m impressed. You insulted them, kind of got a sideways dig in at me and you made a fashion joke. I think you’ve had a full day. Are you ready to go home and get in the hot tub?”
“Not yet,” I said, fixing my attention on Billy Ray. “I don’t know what you’re doing here. You obviously know what I’m capable of or you wouldn’t have approached us. I’m giving you a warning right here, though, and then we’re going to be on our way.
“Don’t come after me,” I continued. “I don’t feel like fighting right before my wedding, but I will crush you without thinking twice. I’ll set you on fire and scatter your ashes in the wind, and then I’ll eat a piece of wedding cake without shedding a tear. Don’t mess with me.”
Aric got to his feet and dumped the wrapper from his cone and a napkin into the nearby trash receptacle before brushing off his hands. He stepped in front of Billy Ray and puffed out his chest, smirking when Billy Ray came to the inevitable realization that Aric was three inches taller – and thirty pounds heavier – than him.
“If you think her threat is bad, you should see what I’ll do with you,” Aric warned. “This is our happy week. No one is going to ruin it. If you try, I’ll make you wish you were never born. Do we have an understanding?”
“I’m not afraid of you,” Billy Ray said, although I couldn’t help but notice the color creeping into his cheeks. He was nervous.
“That means you’re dumber than we originally thought,” I said, getting to my feet and slipping my hand into Aric’s. “That’s just pitiful.”
I dumped my trash into the receptacle and smiled at Aric. “Are you ready to get naked in the hot tub?”
Aric smirked. “You had me at naked.”
I shot one more look in our visitors’ direction. “Have a nice day, boys. Don’t forget to enjoy the hot fudge.”
5
Five
Someone yanked our bedroom curtains open at such an ungodly hour the next morning I was convinced the zombie apocalypse had finally arrived. There was simply no other acceptable reason for sunlight to bombard me so early in the morning.
“What the hell?” I bolted to a sitting position, clutching the sheet to my chest as I met my mother’s annoyed gaze. “Do you want to die?”
“It’s almost eight, Zoe,” Helen said, moving into the room from the hallway and causing me to frown. “Why are sleeping in so close to your wedding?”
“What’s going on?” Aric asked, covering his face with his arm. “Are the zombies here?”
“That’s what I thought,” I said, smirking despite the surreal situation. “We really are meant to be.”
“I’m glad an off-color zombie joke is what made you see the light,” Aric said dryly. “What’s going on? Is this a nightmare?”
“Ha, ha.” Helen grabbed Aric’s robe from our open closet and threw it at him. “Get up and get dressed. We have a lot to do today.”
“Yeah, I’m going to stay in bed for a little while longer,” Aric said, shoving the robe off the side of the bed. “It’s too early to have a lot of things to do.”
“I’m with Aric,” I said, leaning back against the pillows. “I need my beauty rest.”
“That didn’t work yesterday and it won’t work today,” Mom said. “
It’s eight in the morning. You two are sleeping your lives away.”
“We don’t get up until ten on weekdays and noon on weekends,” Aric supplied. “This is the middle of the night for us.”
“Why would you possibly sleep that late?”
Aric shrugged, refusing to open his eyes. “We had a late night.”
“Doing what?” Helen asked.
Aric finally wrenched his eyes open and locked gazes with me, a sly smile spreading across his face. “We played … ocean animals … in the hot tub.”
“You’re a sick man,” I said, although I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.
“I don’t know what that means, but if it’s some sort of sex game I want you to stop it right now,” Helen ordered. “We have a lot of things to get through today because you and Zoe fouled up the wedding so badly to begin with. We don’t have time to dally.”
Aric opened his mouth, what I was convinced was an absolutely filthy retort on his lips, but he wisely went in another direction. “We need our beauty rest.”
“It’s late,” Mom said, using her best “I’m your mother and you have to listen to me” voice. “We let you sleep in as long as we could. You really need to get up and join us in the living room.”
“I’m going to say no … but thank you,” Aric said, wrapping his arm around my neck and tugging me down on his chest. “Now get out. This is our bedroom and if you guys come in here without knocking again I’ll let Zoe go fire crazy.”
Helen was dumbfounded. “Did you just kick me out of your house?”
“No,” Aric replied. “I kicked you out of my bedroom. There’s a difference.”
“I didn’t raise you to be this rude.”
“You didn’t raise me to let people walk all over me either,” Aric countered. “This is our bedroom. This is our private area. You’re not allowed to wander in here without knocking. What if we’d been doing something?”
“Besides sleeping your life away?”
“Yes,” Aric answered, refusing to back down. “What if we’d been … snuggling?”
“Like you are now?” Helen had no intention of backing down.
“This isn’t snuggling,” Aric argued. “This is trying to reclaim our bedroom so we can go back to sleep. We will join you in two hours. Now get out!”
“You’ll join us in ten minutes,” Helen countered. “We can’t do everything for this wedding. That’s not how it works.”
Aric snorted. “Don’t even think about playing that card,” he said. “You two took over this wedding. We had the wedding we wanted planned out. This is now your wedding. That means we don’t have to plan it. We’re going back to sleep.”
I was impressed with his obstinate stand. “I knew I fell in love with you for a reason,” I said, cuddling closer and earning a smile.
“Okay, now we’re going to do something else,” Aric said, laughing at the murderous look on his mother’s face. “You really need to get out now.”
“Don’t you even think of doing anything … dirty,” Helen ordered.
“You’ve got thirty seconds,” Aric said, reaching under the sheet and tickling my ribs. My squeals sent Mom and Helen scurrying for safety, the slamming door signaling their retreat. As soon as it was just the two of us, Aric stopped tickling me. “I thought they’d never leave.”
“And now I love you even more,” I said, yawning as I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. “I’ll see you in two hours.”
“I’ll be the one cooking your breakfast.”
“GOOD morning, ladies.”
Aric was in a good mood when we joined our mothers a few hours later. After catching up on our sleep, we showered together, which led to a few other things, and it was almost three hours between their disastrous entrance and our triumphant exit.
Huh. Now I see why Aric always thinks I’m so dramatic. Even my thoughts are dramatic.
“Are you two all caught up on your sleep?” Helen asked, her tone clipped.
“Among other things,” Aric replied, moving toward the kitchen. He refused to kowtow to his mother, which I found illuminating and entertaining. “What do you want for breakfast, Zoe?”
“Eggs and hash browns.”
“Do you want sausage or bacon?”
I shrugged. “Surprise me.”
“Wait a second,” Helen said, trailing behind us. “Are you cooking her breakfast again?”
Uh-oh.
“So what?” Aric asked, gathering items from the refrigerator. “Is there something wrong with me cooking breakfast?”
“No, it’s just … I’ve always cooked for you father,” Helen pointed out.
“That’s rich,” Aric said, chuckling. “You don’t cook. I grew up with maids, butlers and chefs. Why are you pretending you cook?”
“I’m not pretending,” Helen snapped. “I do cook. Just because you have convenient memory lapses doesn’t mean I don’t cook.”
“I don’t cook,” I said, hopping up on a stool and accepting the can of Campbell’s tomato juice Aric slid in my direction. “Aric says I’m a menace in the kitchen.”
“That term isn’t reserved for the kitchen alone, but you’re definitely detrimental to the cooking process,” Aric said, dropping a pan on the stove. “How many eggs do you want?”
“Three.”
“You can’t eat that big of a breakfast,” Helen scolded, glancing over her shoulder and sending my mother a silent plea with her eyes. For her part, my mother was doing a great impression of an angry woman. She wanted me to apologize for kicking them out of our bedroom. I didn’t see that happening any time soon, so I ignored her.
“Why can’t I have a big breakfast?” I asked. “I’m hungry.”
“We have a big tasting this afternoon, young lady,” Helen reminded me, causing my stomach to flip. “You need to be able to sample food if you’re going to pick acceptable entrees.”
“You can pick for me,” I said. “I don’t really care now that you took my kebabs and fattoush away.”
“I don’t know what that is, but if it’s a sex reference … .”
“It’s food, Mom,” Aric interjected, shaking his head. “Zoe loves Middle Eastern food. We both do. Believe it or not, we weren’t trying to upset the delicate balance of the universe when we picked that for our wedding dinner. It’s our favorite. That’s why we chose it.”
“Oh,” Helen said, wrinkling her nose. “That’s really neither here nor there. That’s not acceptable food for a wedding. You have no idea whether everyone will be able to tolerate spicy food like that.”
“You have no idea what the food is like so you might not want to comment on it,” Aric said, handing me the loaf of bread. “Pull out four slices please.”
I wordlessly did as he instructed, risking a glance at my mother and earning a “you’re dead to me” look before turning back to Helen. “Can you go in there and tell Satan that I’m not going to apologize so she can just get over herself?”
“No,” Helen said, locking gazes with Aric. “Do you cook breakfast for Zoe every day?”
“Yes.”
“Shouldn’t Zoe cook breakfast for you?” Helen challenged. “She is going to be your wife.”
“I would prefer getting something edible and not risk the house burning down,” Aric replied. “I like to cook. Zoe likes to eat. I can’t believe you of all people is getting worked up about old-fashioned gender roles.”
“I’m not getting worked up.”
“That’s not how it sounds to me,” Aric said. “Zoe can eat what she wants. I guarantee she’ll still be able to sample the food at the tasting. I, however, will probably come down with a zombie apocalypse or something to get out of the tasting. Those are the breaks, though.”
“Yeah, I’m going to get a zombie apocalypse, too,” I said.
“We already figured you two would devise some way to escape your duties, so we rescheduled the tasting for noon and it’s being held here,” Helen said.
“Ugh
.” I glared at my mother. “This was your idea, wasn’t it?”
“I’m sure I have no idea what you mean,” Mom said, her tone breezy as she crossed one leg over the other and flipped through a magazine. She was a master at that. It drove me crazy.
“Kelsey and Paris are arriving today,” I reminded Helen. “I can’t do a tasting because I have to … do something wedding-y with them. Wedding-y. That’s a word, right?”
“It sounds like a word,” Aric said. “When are they getting here?”
The unmistakable sound of a car horn honking assailed my ears and I pasted a bright smile on my face. “Now!”
“I’ll add more food to the breakfast menu,” Aric said, not missing a beat. “Gather your buds and try to keep the screeching to a minimum.”
“Sir, yes, sir!” I kicked my heels together as I mock saluted.
“That is very cute,” Aric said, dropping a quick kiss on my forehead as I moved to pass. “We’ll have breakfast on the deck, so do all your gossiping out back. I’ll take care of the angry mothers in here.”
“I resent that,” Helen said. “I am not angry.”
“Just give it time,” I called over my shoulder. “I can make anyone angry in ten minutes flat if I put some effort into it.”
“Don’t sell yourself short, baby,” Aric said. “You don’t even need to put effort into it sometimes.”
“You two will be the death of me,” Helen intoned.
“Something tells me you’ll survive,” Aric replied dryly. “Now hand me the eggs.”
“SO, HOW are things going during this happy, happy time?” Paris asked, throwing a bright smile in every direction as everyone settled around the deck table a half hour later.
“They’re great,” I said, tipping my eggs on top of my hash browns so I could mash everything together. “Can’t you tell? We’re one big happy family.”
Kelsey snorted. “I think the mothers in this scenario are about to mutiny.”
“Eat your breakfast, Kelsey,” Mom ordered, her arms crossed over her chest as she tapped on her elbows. “Did Zoe tell you she kicked us out of her house today?”
“You were in the house when we got here,” Kelsey pointed out.
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