Then she would spit up.
It smelled.
She smelled.
I smelled.
It was agony.
No one told me this was what motherhood would be like. My mother and Estella, and even when Luciana had Anna and called home, they all made it seem so easy. They talked about us as babies as if it was this precious time to treasure. My mother was always so happy, so loving. Estella, too. Me? I was lost. I had these moments where I felt okay, but it was just enough to rejuvenate me into surviving another day. Mostly, I felt empty, drained, and completely void inside.
I wanted to remember what life smelled like before it was consumed in spit-up and diapers.
Everything normal felt like a distant memory.
Yesnia wiggled slightly on the bed and I held my breath. Please don’t wake up, I begged her in my mind. The adjustment to motherhood had not been an easy one for me to say the least. I needed every break I could get. Just a few minutes more, I begged silently.
I looked at her. Slowly, she opened her eyes. The panic and anxiety started to build. What would I do with her if she wanted to scream? How could I keep our evening calm?
I had this new life, this being I had to care for.
Her eyes found mine.
Locked in a stare, I watched her in amazement. This life that I helped to create.
“While born in chaos, you’re a powerful storm, my Yesnia,” I whispered to her. “You, my love and my pain, are destined for something great.”
That was the thing about it all. Yesnia was both my love and my pain, but she was more my love than anything. Our eyes locked together, bonded like she was as she grew inside my womb. This little girl was everything to me. She was both my future and my past.
Before I could pick her up, the door to our bedroom opened and in walked Maricio. My body automatically tensed in concern. Every instinct screamed at me to pick up my daughter and hold her close. I didn’t get the chance before he rushed to her, scooping her into his arms.
Gleefully, he lifted her high. “Oh little one, if you only knew the power you held. If you only knew the way you could break a man. A powerful man. A man who has no fear. A man who should be afraid, very afraid.” Maricio held Yesnia against him laughing sinisterly. “I want him to know pain. I want him to know what it is to be powerless. You will see, Yesnia, it will happen. And I will be the bringer of his pain, the deliverer of his agony. You are the key to everything.”
The venom in his words poisoned the air around us. He hated Javier and I didn’t understand why. The two had been as close as brothers. Javier never made a move without Maricio. They had looked out for each other for so long. Even now, months after we left, I couldn’t wrap my mind around it all.
“Maricio, please, put her back on the bed,” I begged him. My little girl was only a month old. I didn’t have the strength to fight him. My vagina still hurt, I was passing too much blood as my body tried to get back to normal from delivering her. It was my first period since birth and it was the worst one I had ever had. No one prepared me for the after effects of having a baby. I couldn’t do this with him, not now. My heart thumped wildly in my chest. I felt the panic rising. My brother was unpredictable. Adrenaline coursed through my veins as fight or flight kicked in. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my daughter. I needed peace, not the chaos Maricio brought with him.
“She’s everything, Mari. You hold the ticket to everything,” he said directed more to Yesnia. In a split second change his eyes hooded like he had forgotten I was in the room. I watched as he looked at my daughter with a dangerous desire. Not a sexual desire, but similar to how a lion licks his lips as he stalks his prey. My daughter would be no one’s prey.
“She’s a baby. She’s just a baby.” I fought back my emotions as the fear kept building inside me. She wasn’t some ticket, some key to getting back at Javier, or Paco, or anyone. She was an innocent little girl. She was my piece of happiness, purity, and calm in the storm of my life.
He was right, she was everything. She was my everything. No one else’s.
While adjusting to motherhood may have been challenging, my love for her never wavered. What I felt for her was deeper than any ocean, larger than any land, and bigger than anyone could imagine. She was a part of me. Even as my mind was befuddled in lack of sleep, Yesnia was my world. I did everything day in and out for her.
He continued to ignore me, giving all of his attention to my precious little girl.
“Little Yesnia, I could send him your picture,” Maricio taunted and I froze. “Let him know he’s a daddy. Tell your father how his legacy continues on. You, single-handedly, are his weakness and he doesn’t even know it yet.” Maricio’s laugh filled the air.
Chills ran down my body. “Javi was going to marry me on an order,” I challenged. “Why would he care about having a daughter? She wouldn’t matter to him, nor do I. Let her be, Maricio. Please.”
My brother’s eyes turned to mine. His stare locked with my eyes and he was cold as ice. “Oh but sister, to know of his hija, he would care. To know that he has familia not within his control, he would be bothered. To know that I kept it all from him,” Maricio shook his head before firmly setting his gaze back to me, “well, that would break him.”
“Why do you hate Javi so much? He was our family.” The words tumbled out. I knew I shouldn’t ask. I knew discussing Javier Almanza was the danger zone on a good day. Maricio, in the mindset he was today, I was walking on hot coals. It was simply a matter of when I would get burned.
“I don’t hate him, Mari. I despise him. I loathe the way things come to him easily.”
His mind was lost, distorted. Our childhood was far from great, but Javier Almanza did not have it easy either. This time I shook my head. “Nothing came easily for any of us.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. Their mamá lives while ours died. Their father still sends money home to her while ours stopped once word got back to him that our mother was dead. Don’t you see, Mari, all you have in this life is me. All we have is each other.”
“You’re jealous,” I muttered barely over a whisper. As soon as the words left my lips, I regretted them. While it may be the very truth of it all, I shouldn’t have spoken it.
“To speak words was to give life to something. So one must always speak positively,” Estella, Javi’s mom, always said. I gave life to his jealousy and his rage in this very moment and I couldn’t stop myself from letting the words tumble out.
Without missing a beat, the back of his hand hit my cheek and the burn followed.
“I’m not jealous. I have more than Javi will ever have because I have your loyalty. Something he can’t take from me. Life may have taken our mother, our father, and Javier might have taken my place in the cartel, but he didn’t get you, life didn’t get you. I got you and I got Yesnia.”
“We’re people, my daughter and I! We’re not possessions,” I fired back at him.
He held my daughter football style in his arm while he glared at me. The challenge was thrown down between us. Silently, I read him. If I pressed on, he would hurt her. He would hurt me.
“You’re whatever the fuck I tell you to be, Mari. When Mamá died, I didn’t let them take you. I paid for you, for your school. You’re mine. She’s mine. Deal with it.”
Swallowing down my emotions, I kept my eyes on his. “You may own me. You may scare me. But Maricio Dominguez, mark my words, if you ever hurt my daughter, then brother, blood, or Mamá herself can’t save you. You should know, if you ever bring her an ounce of pain, I’ll kill you myself.”
Chapter One
Javier
Regret had a taste more bitter than the nastiest of foods anyone could imagine. I had many. The lingering guilt ate at me from the inside out.
Not fighting harder for Mari was toward the top of my list of where my regrets landed.
Allowing my mind to doubt her, to doubt myself, and allowing so much time to pass between us, well, it was a poor decision I wo
uld never move past.
However, I also had the sour taste of betrayal lingering inside my mouth threatening to explode as my world crashed around me.
Everyone I trusted fucked me over, except my mother and my sister. Maricio was family. Mari was my love. They turned their backs on me, on the family we were supposed to be.
I had a daughter that Mari kept from me. Regardless of Maricio taking her against her will, she stayed when in time surely an escape had presented itself. She didn’t try hard enough. She didn’t hold onto faith in me, or belief in our love. She should have fought. She had contact with Paco. She could have used him to reach out to me. While I knew nothing of her, she knew I was alive. That alone should have given her hope and a reason to reach out. If not for herself, for me, or for our love, she should have done it for our daughter.
I would have been there. I would have given them both my entire world.
If I would have known about Yesnia, none of this would have happened. None of us would be facing this loss. We would still have an opportunity, a chance at being a real family together.
Now, there was no time left, no hope left.
There was nothing left. I felt it all falling apart as I witnessed the horror of my daughter taking a bullet in front of my face. The anguish inside me was too much. Right there in my driveway, I was dying inside. I was crumbling in front of the world and I didn’t give a shit. I had a daughter. Before I could even get to know her, she was taken from me. Why was life so cruel?
“No!” I screamed as Yesnia fell to the concrete in front of me. Blood pooled around her.
I watched her struggle to breathe. The rattling noise coming from her would forever replay in my head. Every breath she took was harder than the last. The tears fell from my face and I didn’t care. I held my daughter close as her blood saturated my pants. Everything ceased to exist.
Yesnia’s eyes locked with mine. Her pain was evident. She was a perfect blend of Mari Belle and me. She was absolutely beautiful. In her eyes was an innocence I once loved in her mother’s eyes. In her stare was a pure acceptance I once craved from her mother’s eyes. In her beautiful brown eyes I found my past crashing into my present in an explosion that would shake the Earth’s core. My heart ached to ease her hurt. She was dying, gasping for air. The gurgled noises coming from her chest with every breath were constant stabs to my insides. My mind raced. And my very soul broke.
I wanted to watch Maricio die. Painfully. I wanted to take the breath from his lungs like he had from my daughter. I wanted to yell, scream, break something. I couldn’t. I was helpless. The only thing I could do was hold her to me.
“Yesnia, hija, stay with me,” I begged her. “We just found each other. I’ll give you my world, hija, just don’t let go. You must live, you must breathe.”
My heart knew her. Our souls were connected. She had to feel me. I had to hold onto that. I was losing the battle inside me. The rage was winning, but I had to hold on right now. For Yesnia, I had to hold on. I couldn’t lose my shit in this moment.
“Please,” I begged her on whispered words.
Behind me I heard Mari Belle wailing and tires squealing as Maricio pulled away. Aurelio rushed to me.
“Jefe, let me take her,” he offered.
I glared at him. Take her? How could I let anyone take her when I just found her? Dying or not, I couldn’t bring myself to let go. I shook my head frantically as the pain inside my soul was too deep for words. She was a piece of me I didn’t know was there, but still she was. I looked to Aurelio. His eyes were full of fear. He was never afraid.
Ever.
He knew what I was struggling to accept. He saw it, he felt it. We all did. I just needed to let go. Except, I wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own.
“Jefe, let me get her help.” He knelt down in front of us. “Please, jefe. Javi, let me do this for you.” Aurelio watched me break. He felt my pain as his own. He knew what I needed, but wasn’t strong enough to do.
I couldn’t let her go. This couldn’t be the end when this was just the beginning. Pulling her close to me, I held her as the wetness from my tears fell down my face. My body shook as the helplessness washed over me. In the blink of an eye, everything was gone.
Over.
Done.
Finished.
Nothing was more final than death. And I was watching her die. I was holding her back from any chance at living by sitting here doing nothing. I couldn’t remain idle in a time like this. I had been in a standstill for her entire life. Too much time had been lost and I couldn’t risk another second. Yet, I couldn’t push her away. Everything inside me screamed to hold her close to me and never let her leave. But she needed help. She needed medical attention I couldn’t give her.
“Jefe,” Aurelio called to me as he extended his arms to take Yesnia. “Let me take her.”
His tone was firm, strong. I was weak. He knew I couldn’t do this. In all the years I spent deep in this underworld, I had never been this rattled. Never had I given my people a reason to step in and read me until now.
Never had I been weak before.
I wouldn’t be again. The hopelessness set in. I lost control. I lost it all.
I glared over my shoulder at Mari.
The hatred grew like a weed drenched in fertilizer, growing more out of control with every ounce of my daughter’s blood that spilled. I always knew hate was one of those passion fueled emotions. The more you felt it, the more it continued to spiral out of control. I let the hatred build. I allowed it to take root in me. Ounce by ounce it grew inside me.
Mari kept her from me.
I didn’t care that Maricio took her against her will. She had opportunities to find freedom. She was as guilty as Maricio for the bloodshed in my driveway today. If our daughter mattered, she never would have raised her under his roof, under his rules. She allowed our daughter to trust Maricio. She put our daughter in the hands of the devil himself. This was on Mari as much as it was Maricio.
The disdain was a bitter taste in my mouth.
She had years with my daughter. Years that were stolen from me. She took that. She was like a thief in the night that took my love, my life, and threw it all back in my face. Fuck her. Fuck them both. Fuck the life she lived with my daughter. Fuck it all.
Mari seemed to realize Yesnia was unconscious as she fell to her knees beside us.
“Call someone, do something!” She yelled at both Aurelio and me. Mari was drowning in despair. Something had to give.
I gave the nod to Aurelio to take her. I couldn’t bring myself to push her body from my own as much as I knew I needed to do it. So he had to yank her away. He was taking my heart in his hands and I wasn’t sure I would ever get it back. The moment he took her body from me, I was empty, not just my arms, but in my heart and soul. It was the trifecta of pain. She was leaving me before I had the chance to actually have her.
What did she want to do with her life? What did she know of her roots? Had she felt love? Had she known heartbreak? What was her favorite color? Her favorite music? Did she like cars or animals? What was her favorite food?
I wanted to know it all. I wanted to know my daughter, my flesh, my blood.
It was a blur as a car pulled up and Aurelio put Yesnia in the back.
He would take care of her. I trusted Aurelio to handle things discretely. As he carried her body away, Mari stood and tried to chase after them. To which, I stood and held her back. She didn’t get to hold her again. She got the firsts and I got the last. That’s the way it would be.
Her hands beat on my chest as we both watched helplessly as our daughter was carried away.
The fury in her eyes met my own as she screamed at me. “Let me go with her! I need to be with her.”
I wanted to cuss her out. I wanted to lose my shit. I wanted to tell her what my daughter needed was a life with her father.
I didn’t.
I wanted her to feel the depth of my pain.
Instead, I told he
r like it was. “It is done, Mari,” I stated firmly and my heart felt like it would jump out of my chest.
“It is not done! Javi, don’t you dare tell me it is done!” She continued to rant and beat on me.
Her pain was my pain and mine was hers. Even after all this time, we were still undeniably connected.
She was just as beautiful today as she had been twenty years ago. Her spirit was strong even as she stood in my arms with both of us broken. She pounded on my chest. I allowed it. I relished the physical pain. I wanted more. I wanted it to match the emotional agony I was going through.
Blow after blow, I took them all until finally she exhausted herself and crumpled into my arms.
After all this time, holding Mari didn’t feel at all like I had thought it would. Any thoughts of young love and those early touches were gone. In their place was hatred. Venom took up residence in my veins.
Maricio took my daughter from me.
He would pay. Oh, he would most definitely pay with his fucking life.
Mari kept my daughter from me.
She would pay. She would pay with her time. She owed me time. A fuck lot of it.
“Your brother shot our daughter in the back like a coward. The pussy-assed motherfucker shot our daughter in the fuckin’ back. He should have shot me, Mari. Because mark my words, he will die. Your precious brother will be no more, Mari.” The laugh that erupted from my belly was pure evil.
She pulled away from me. Her eyes locked onto mine. The hatred burned deep between us.
“Don’t you protect him now, Mari. Don’t you dare expect me to stand down. Because I won’t. Not for you, not for my mother, and not even for our daughter. Maricio bought himself a death sentence today and I’m the fucking judge, jury, and executioner.”
Her hand flew up and struck my cheek. The sting was something I relished because I felt something more than the agony of life lost as I knew Yesnia was gone. I was drowning in pain and wanted more.
“Stand down? You expect me to protect him? He just took everything from me. He took my entire world and let her fall to the concrete in a pool of her own blood. He left me with you. I don’t expect you to stand down, Javier Almanza. I expect you to find him, make him pay, and if Mother Mary would answer my prayer then by my hand my brother will die, not yours. So no, Javi, I don’t ask that you protect him. I just ask that I get to end him.”
Cartel Queen (Almanza Crime Family Duet Book 2) Page 2
