Neil patted the table. “That you do. I did, too, back in the day. But now I’m older, and I see how it was a silly thing to believe in. That thing’s been lying dormant for ages. It doesn’t do anything for anyone. I’d hate for them to have to waste their time going through it, but, hey, it’s their time to waste.”
“The dungeon isn’t dormant,” Smokey said. “If she was, why would they put a bulletin out for her pixie?”
“You know what I mean. It’s a nothing dungeon. Look, when I think about town and dungeon relationships, I like to think of Hobbsville. My cousin lives there. Once, when goblins invaded Hobbsville, their dungeon brought creatures to the surface and popped those goblins off. Could you imagine our dungeon doing anything like that?”
“It’s our fault that she hasn’t done anything. We have to show her support.”
“Since when was our dungeon a woman?”
“Since I witnessed a miracle. Her pixie came to me. And I know you are a non-believer now, but you’ll turn back into a believer if you come back to the dungeon with me. She’s alive and she’s active.”
Neil laughed. “You know, you used to say that a lot. You’d keep going on about miracles. The problem is, what’s a miracle when there’s no one else around to see it?”
“I can show you this time.”
“A bunch of dirt walls and a big bag of disappointment? The fan club was fun and all but none of us actually believed any of it. What are we supposed to feel about a dungeon that doesn’t respond to us? We went to that dungeon countless times and got nothing. Empty caverns don’t make a dungeon.”
“It wasn’t a fan club!”
“Calm yourself down before you make a scene,” Neil said. “I’m not against you, Smokey, but if you came back to Kazzipur hoping to start the second coming of your fan club or whatever it is, it’s not going to happen. Kazzipur’s different. We’ve all changed here. Fanboying the dungeon doesn’t work as a safety blanket for us anymore.”
“Your reaction would be different if you had better proof of her. You need your own miracle.”
The door to the tavern kicked open, banging against the wall. In walked a man with hair that didn’t move. He wore a sour expression, his pants obscenely tight and suffocating. The length of his tunic did little to help cover him up.
The adventurers in the back of the tavern waved at him. He mouthed something Smokey couldn’t catch.
What he did catch and was practically flattened by, was the man’s loud voice screaming over the patrons’ conversations. “Hear ye, hear ye! I have an announcement to make.”
“He has an announcement to make,” echoed the big guy.
Many Kazzipurrian eyes rolled at that moment.
“As you know, we will be storming the Trash Tier Dungeon in a few days’ time. We are currently extending an invitation to any citizens who would like to join us. The dungeon is weak and nervous. It literally won’t know what hit it,” the man said. “Our first trip shall be a scouting mission, and then on our trip after that we will vanquish this blight upon your lands.”
He threw his hands up in the air, then stomped one foot down.
Had Smokey been holding anything, he would have smashed it to the ground.
Noticing the indignant color Smokey was turning, Neil grinned. “There’s the miracle. If the dungeon is able to beat all those people in the back, then I’ll go pay it a visit. My mother used to subscribe to the Dungeon Reviews Digest. I know all about its terrible scores. I read about them as soon as the fan club went kaput.”
“Don’t believe everything you read.”
“This paper,” the man at the front of the tavern continued, “this paper is my promise to you all that the Trash Tier Dungeon will be defeated by the members of the Wonder Guild. I, Robin the Rogue, promise this to you.”
Smokey practically jumped out of his seat. “You’re Robin! Is there a Jennifer here? And a Buff Dude?”
“My name’s Micah, but thank you. I’m flattered.”
“He knows your name,” the archer said, nudging the mage with her elbow. “I bet he read about you in the Adventuring Times. I told Talon it’d be a good idea. Looks like I was right.”
Smokey stood up and threw his napkin down onto the table. “Thank you for the lunch, Neil, but I’ll be taking my potatoes to go.” On second thought, he snatched up the napkin and stuffed it into his pockets. He still had loot to gather and the napkin would make for a good start.
He had to inform Arden of everything he learned. It looked like the trio had bolstered its numbers. Thus far, none of the Kazzipurrians looked like they wanted to help out, nor did they care in either direction. It wasn’t like a guild raiding the dungeon was something that would directly affect them.
…Except that it would. Minette’s victory over these scummy adventurers would herald in a new era for the Trash Tier Dungeon and Kazzipur. Sure, Kazzipur was no Hobbsville, but maybe they could work towards something similar. Every relationship had to start somewhere.
“Are you planning on joining us?” Robin asked.
“No. You’ll never win.”
Smokey started towards the door when he heard Neil shout at him to wait.
“Don’t forget your potatoes,” he said.
“Right.” So, Smokey waited longer and listened to Robin speak undisturbed by Smokey’s claim.
If anything, that small challenge spurred him on further. By the time Smokey left, Robin was singing songs around the room and juggling beer mugs. He did a full-on musical number that would’ve made a tone-deaf barber sound like a choir leader. His dancing was somehow worse than his singing.
No one joined in, not even his comrades.
The second-hand embarrassment led to the tavern closing early that day. And a rather unfortunate breeze carried its contagion towards the rest of the stores along the block. They, too, had to temporarily close down as a result, except for in the case of Dudley Bodudley. Dudley Bodudley had met peak embarrassment levels and was never seen again.
According to the rumors, the echoes of Dudley Bodudley’s embarrassed shrieks can still be heard on the corner between Ibup Avenue and Ippi Street. These rumors were instantly generated the moment Dudley Bodudley disappeared. If asked, a doctor would liken his miserable end to a rare form of spontaneous combustion.
Amidst the confusion of the tavern suddenly shutting down, Smokey stole, no, one-way borrowed a collection of things for his dungeon.
A soggy, greasy bag of potatoes in hand and some random garbage stuffed into his Inventory, Smokey headed off on his journey back into the woods.
Chapter 13
“Is it just me or do we have fewer resources in our pool than we should?” Arden asked, reviewing the numbers.
They’d finished much of what they’d planned to build. Workercats carried Basic Leghold Snares from the Trap Workshop to their appropriate destinations. The one that had built the traps was on his way to the Monster Lounge for some much-needed rest and relaxation.
One spiny lynx, their first of many to come, resided in the Spiny Lynx Dwelling. Minette named him Paradiso.
Arden reviewed the general spiny lynx menu.
[Name: Spiny Lynx
Type: Organic
Class: Feline Beast
Health: 85
Armor: None (0)
Attack 1:
- Reach: Melee, Ranged
- Damage: 12
- Speed: Fast
- Cooldown: Normal
- Bonus: n/a
Specials:
- n/a
Movement Speed: Slow
Cost: 100 shinies + 50 glowyrms
Requirement: Spiny Lynx Dwelling
Description: A basic ranged unit that looks like a medium-sized version of the catten with ridged spikes running down its back. Tufts of hair rise from the tips of their ears. Its spinal spikes can shoot out at its enemies. They’re replaced at a fast rate. The weight of its spikes causes the spiny lynx to move slowly.]
Completing
the Spiny Lynx Dwelling meant that they’d created every room available to them at their current level. While researching their second-tier dungeon upgrade sounded tempting, they still had plenty to work on. Trap blueprints still needed development. Their layout needed tuning. Defensive strategies needed to be honed, and so on and so forth.
Juggling their resources added to their many challenges.
Arden tilted her head, hoping the movement would reduce her confusion.
[RESOURCES:
20 shinies / 9 glowyrms]
After a moment of contemplation, Arden said, “I think we should have more than this. Something isn’t adding up.”
“You’re right,” Minette said. “It’s not adding up because I bought you a present.”
“We’re not supposed to do presents here. No surprises.”
“I promise you you’re going to like it. Remember that Advancement you unlocked?”
Arden twitched, reliving her near-death experience. “What about it?”
“Do I have your consent to select you?”
“Don’t tell me you secretly bought it.”
“I won’t tell you. I’ll show you.”
“Fine. Go ahead.” She held her breath in preparation for the incoming invasion of privacy.
“It’s going to be included in your Specials menu. Mind if I open that up? I have to double-select you to look at your complete details.”
Still holding her breath, Arden nodded.
[UNITS -SELECTED-
Nickname: Arden the Endless Terror
Name: Dungeon Pixie 4
Unit Type: Dungeon Pixie
Health: 300/300
Mana: 200/200
Specials:
- Disguise: Allows the pixie to mimic the appearance of something or someone for a limited time. Costs 50 mana points to use and drains mana points while active.
- Cast Hallucination: The pixie can cast a false image of an object or one of the dungeon’s monsters. Costs 25 mana points to use and drains mana points while active.
- Teleport to Room: The pixie can disappear and reappear in a dungeon room. Costs 25 mana points to use.
- Last Chance (NEW!): Units with this special trait regain 50% of their maximum health and mana when they hit 1 HP.
- Psychic Link: A promissory bond with a dungeon. Currently attached to Minette Ashes Max Felixia, the Organic Feline Beast Dungeon.]
“I thought it would be fair to give you what you earned,” Minette said. “And, for a pixie who claims not to like fighting, you seem to do a lot of it. This should come in handy.” Her voice grew in alarm. “Hey, are you still holding your breath? You’re going to have to breathe eventually, Arden. Hello?”
Arden blew out her air. “Technically, I don’t have to breathe. All pixies adapt to their environments. Say, for example, you decided to change into a water dungeon. I’d survive.”
“Would you survive in someone else’s dungeon?”
“I’d hold onto the physical, outward characteristics you’ve given me, but yes, my inner-composition would change. Dungeon Pixies are like this so we can visit other dungeons when we need to.”
“For some dungeon versus dungeon warfare.”
“Not ideally, no, but if I ever got the chance to take down Bugsy, I’d do it. Wouldn’t you want to get some revenge on your past pixies?”
“The best revenge is living well.”
“The best revenge is their skulls on the mantle.” Arden relaxed the tension coiled in her stomach. “But, yeah, I’ll concede that the second best form of revenge is living well.”
“What do you think of your gift? You’re the one who unlocked it, so I couldn’t buy it for any of our other units.”
“I have to survive with exactly 1 HP for it to activate,” Arden said, in need of some clarity.
“That’s what it looks like. Do you like your gift?”
“Yes, thank you,” she forced herself to say. “How about you don’t buy me any more surprise gifts until I get you a gift? An imbalance of gifting wouldn’t be good, don’t you agree?”
“I don’t mind,” Minette said. She missed Arden’s strained tone. “It’s hard for you to do anything in secret. Just consider this a return gift for what you’ve been doing lately. We’ve been doing great!”
“Pits and snares and cats, oh my.”
“My what?”
“My nothing. It’s ‘oh my,’ the end.”
“That’s weird.”
“That’s how the saying goes. I didn’t come up with it.”
[WARNING!
One human adventurer has entered the dungeon.]
Looking at the Warp Gate through their shared Overview mode, Arden was relieved (and a little disappointed) to discover their latest visitor was far from an adventurer.
“That’s Smokey,” Arden said to Minette. “He’s the guy I was telling you about.”
“You should probably teleport to him if you don’t want him getting stuck in any of our traps.”
“Good point. You can deactivate them, though, right? We won’t need to assign a peon to do that.”
“Sure, I can, b-but maybe I won’t. I’ve never met a fan before. I didn’t even know I had any! What if he finds out I’m not as great as he thinks I am? Oh no, that’d be the worst. I don’t think I can do this, Arden. Tell him to go home!”
“Relax,” she said. “He’s not going to hate you. He’s–”
A sudden high-pitched scream interrupted them.
“Damn, he’s in a pit,” Arden finished. “I’ll get ‘im. Make sure you deactivate the rest of the traps.”
After switching out of their shared Overview mode, Arden teleported to the Warp Gate room. Right outside of it, Smokey lay groaning at the bottom of a six-foot deep pit. Since he wasn’t part of their dungeon, Arden couldn’t get a reading on his health points. She assumed, based on the noises he was making, that he’d taken a fair amount of damage.
She flew above the pit trap. Eyes screwed shut, Smokey stayed sprawled out.
“Hello down there,” Arden greeted.
At that, his eyes snapped open. “Hi.”
“You have to be careful going into a dungeon. You never know what traps may be lurking,” she said. “Do you think you can climb out on your own or do you need some help?”
“I’ll be okay. Give me a second.”
Arden waited a lot longer than a second for Smokey to recover. It took at least one hundred and twenty seconds, not that she was counting or anything. Humans were on their own time schedules sometimes, and she was definitely mindful of that. After all, she was Arden the Endless Terror, never pushy or impatient.
Her slogan was “they’ll lose their heads, but I’ll never lose my smile.” So far, her track record with the Trash Tier Dungeon called the smiling part into question, but the sentiment was still there, deep down.
As soon as Smokey climbed out of the trap, Arden placed a Minette-inspired smile on her face.
“Things are different here. I like it.” He straightened his clothes.
“Even the part where you fell into a trap?”
“Especially that. If I fell into it, I’m sure adventurers will, too.”
Someone with higher awareness than a common vagrant wouldn’t. Adventurers knew exactly what they were getting themselves into. A Detection spell or a rock thrown at the ground would’ve revealed the pit’s existence. Adventurers wouldn’t be so trusting and unsuspecting to waltz into a dungeon the way Smokey did.
Arden refrained from saying all of that, though. She didn’t want to hurt their only follower’s feelings. He was precious, someone for them to cherish. Smokey represented the future they wanted and needed.
“I brought you some loot,” he said, “and news.”
“You can deliver your news to Minette.”
“Alright. Minette–can I call you Minette, my Dungeon Goddess?–I have news. Which direction should I shout?” Smokey swiveled his head.
“No, no, I mean, in-person. I’ll w
alk you to her. She’s deactivated the rest of the traps, so you shouldn’t fall into any more pits. How’s your health, by the way?”
“I’m fine. Can she not hear me? Is that why she’s never answered me for all of these years?”
“She can see and hear you just fine,” Arden said. “I’m holding up my end of our deal. The news and loot in exchange for you getting to meet Minette.”
“Yes, that’s right. Do I look presentable? I didn’t have anything to shave with, but I took a shower.” Smokey pushed his unkempt hair back.
“That’s good. Are you feeling nervous?”
“I feel like I’ve swallowed a load of anxiety.”
“Interesting choice of words there.”
“It’s a heavy weight on my stomach,” he said.
“Hopefully some of it will alleviate when we’re doing our tour. Follow after me. Don’t worry about any monsters you might see. They won’t see you as an enemy.” At least, they wouldn’t automatically feel that way as long as Minette Influenced them properly.
That proved to be the case as Arden led Smokey through the dungeon. His first catten sighting had him brimming with excitement. After that, he couldn’t stop talking about its majestic appearance, the sleekness of its fur, and its fighting potential. Arden knew he was talking out of his ass about the last subject, seeing how he wasn’t an adventurer, but she liked his enthusiasm.
Workercats got the same treatment from Smokey. He threw dozens of compliments their way. Arden explained their peon role and how they were the backbone of their economic and construction efforts.
“Literally,” she added.
“They’re a marvel to behold. I think they’re the creature I once saw. I feel a special connection.”
“We won’t see any on our way to Minette, but we also have a new unit called a spiny lynx. They look like spikey cattens.”
“C-could I please see one?” Smokey nervously pushed his fingers together.
“That can be arranged.”
Smokey’s awe grew the more he took in of the dungeon. Arden pointed out the traps they had so far and briefly went over some of the other offerings they hadn’t pursued yet.
The Trash Tier Dungeon Page 17
