by David Stubbs
Eileen Derbyshire
Coronation Street
Granada Studios
Manchester
England
18 March 1979
Dear Miss Derbyshire
I hope you don’t think it forward of me to write to you like this, especially on a delicate and rather personal matter, but Coronation Street has always been a favourite fixture of the Royal Household and although it is of course just a regional soap opera, I feel it is embedded in warm, earthy truth. In particular, I feel you could not play Emily Bishop as well as you do, were you not a similar sort of person yourself. It is hard, for instance, to imagine Miss Barbara Windsor (no relation) playing the same role. I particularly admired the way you handled the tragic death of your husband, Ernest.
I wonder then if I might discreetly sound out your advice on my prospects? My uncle, Lord Mountbatten, believes a young man like me should ‘play the field’, dally with a few game and saucy wenches of good breeding, but liberal inclination before ultimately settling down. Countervailing opinion, however, suggests that I ‘keep my powder dry’, so to speak, and wait for ‘Miss Right’. What would you advise were you my mother? I’d ask my own mother, but somehow I feel more comfortable asking you.
Hopefully, yours
HRH The Prince of Wales
The Producer
Coronation Street
Granada Studios
Manchester
England
6 May 1981
Dear Sir
As you know, I’m getting married to the lady who will shortly become Princess of Wales. I’d just as soon there wasn’t any fuss but you know, the bloody press, it’s all being got up as a fairytale and well, one has to do one’s duty to one’s people, who have given the King Charleses of the past a bit of a mixed reception.
Here’s the thing: my mother and grandmother are both fans of your show as, sporadically, am I (do give my warmest regards to Miss Eileen Derbyshire, or ‘Emily Bishop’, with whom I have had the pleasure of corresponding frequently), which is how I have come to discover there is a wedding planned between two of the characters – ‘Ken’ and ‘Deirdre’ – which will coincide with my own (both televised).
Now there’s always the danger that the one could ‘crowd’ out the other so I was wondering, is there any chance you might put the wedding back a few weeks? I’d hate the dashed humiliation of my own nuptials being overshadowed by a couple of made-up characters. After all, this thing between Diana and me it’s very real and if this is reality (and I suppose it is), certainly quite real.
Perhaps the scriptwriters could have ‘Ken’ postpone the wedding? He might have doubts, you know. A younger woman, a slightly older man, who may perhaps be wiser marrying someone of his own age group, perhaps a long-term, trusted companion … Thoughts along those lines could worry ‘Ken’ and he may suggest they postpone or even declare the whole thing a washout. Yes, it could be for the best. Oblige me, there’s a good fellow.
Yours &c
HRH The Prince of Wales
Judith Hann
Tomorrow’s World
BBC Television Centre
Wood Lane
London
England
6 January 1983
Dear Miss Hann
This is just to say how terrifically excited I am about appearing on Tomorrow’s World. It is one of my very favourite television programmes, a marvellous showcase for British know-how and ingenuity, not to mention a fascinating ‘sneak peek’ into what life will be like in the future, when no doubt my mother will be making her way to the opening of the Houses of Parliament by jetpack!
I can’t pretend my wife, Princess Diana, is interested in your show or will even be watching my appearance on it. She doesn’t trouble to hide her yawns throughout its duration and frequently glances at her watch. If she had one of the ‘time travel’ machines, which I expect British boffins are working on right now, she would use it for no other purpose than to travel from 7.00 to 7.30 each Thursday evening so that she could get straight to Top of the Pops – a dreadful shame, and we have had words on the subject.
I thought I would take the liberty of ‘running by you’ two or three inventions of my own, some at the garden shed stage, others still at the drawing board, all of which would need help from experts to realise their full potential as my own time is at a premium.
• The core-less apple: Is there a way of creating one of these things without tampering with the organic processes of nature? I hope so. Cores, quite literally, give me the pip!
• The self-erecting easel: I get so little time to paint and when I do, I end up spending half my time putting up the blasted easel – which, as modern contraptions go, is about as annoyingly counter-intuitive as the deckchair. It would be nice if, when moving from spot to spot, special robot legs could be devised so that the easel could simply up and walk with you, like a sort of caddy or man. I calculate that in the time saved, I might produce at least one more canvas per sitting – a real boon.
• The 3D Three Degrees Simulator: Imagine, you have a yen to see this tremendous singing group in person, but they are out on tour. Simply switch on the Simulator and there the three ladies are, in matching evening dresses and perfect syncopation. ‘When Will I See You Again?’ Any time you want, at the mere flick of a switch, performing their greatest hits!
I wonder if you might get one or two of your best people to work on these, particularly the last one? Also, establish the feasibility of it running off compost or animal waste?
Yours, in innovation
HRH The Prince of Wales
John Travolta
Hollywood
California
United States of America
1 December 1985
Dear Mr Travolta
You may well remember that the other evening, at a smart function, you consented to dance with my bride, Princess Diana. One felt like a lemon sitting on the edge of the dancefloor, knowing if one were to attempt the same steps oneself, one would probably be precipitated base over tip, doubtless taking one’s wife down with one and leaving one’s dignity in ruins. Meanwhile, one’s wife would be staring at one in a smoulderingly reproachful manner and a following day’s worth of papers best avoided entirely, despite their element of serious current affairs content.
None of that happened, but I couldn’t help but feel on the quiet carriage journey home that my wife was looking at me in a ‘Why aren’t you John Travolta?’ sort of way. I may be entirely mistaken in this, of course. However, it could be that as a result of your dance, she is in her own mind building you up to be quite something.
Could you be a jolly good fellow and write, assuring her perhaps that you’re not all you’re cracked up to be? That, I don’t know, you’re a dull conversationalist, or you dislike Duran Duran intensely, or that you mostly spend your days in a potting shed sorting through your collection of clay pipes? Or, if all else fails, that you’re homosexual? The future stability of the Monarchy might depend on this kind act.
Expectantly, yours
HRH The Prince of Wales
John Travolta
Hollywood
California
United States of America
18 December 1985
Dear Mr Travolta
Further to our last correspondence, I don’t know what you wrote to my wife but it doesn’t appear to have done the trick. She still looks at me like I’ve just trodden on her foot in the middle of the dancefloor. Could you possibly have another pop, taking a different ‘tack’?
Yours &c.
HRH The Prince of Wales
Harry ‘Loadsamoney’ Enfield
c/o Channel 4
Charlotte Street
London
England
12 February 1987
Dear Mr Enfield
Well, I’ll get down to brass tacks. While, as a ‘Footlights’ man, I appreciate wacky comedy, I cannot but help think that in the present cli
mate, the flaunting of ‘wedge’ as you have it might excite resentment in the regions or rural districts, where deprivation is at its most fearful.
Could you not reasonably moderate the character? Perhaps call him Mr ‘Quite Well-To-Do, Thank You’ and cut out the flaunting of the banknotes? To compensate for any loss of humorous ‘impact’, you might have the character roll his trousers up and paint his knees green, or be called ‘Occledooze’ – that sort of thing works for Spike Milligan and myself. Or fire yourself out of a cannon and say, ‘I’m enjoying this boom!’ That is a pun, by the way.
One likes to laugh, but one must think of the inner cities.
Yours, in earnest
HRH The Prince of Wales
Ben Elton
c/o Channel 4
Charlotte Street
London
England
4 June 1987
Dear Mr Elton
So, word reaches me that you are in the frontline of ‘alternative’ comedians. Well, you’ll find in your future monarch a kindred spirit, a man who himself is a great believer in the alternative – therapies, homeopathic remedies, Reiki head massage and the like. Hang it all, we’re practically the same, you and me – impatient, wanting to see things get done!
Knowing you are a lover of the humorous, I must pass on an exchange I had with an Impresario at a recent West End function. He had been in touch with Mr Andrew Lloyd Webber, who is in the process of putting together one of his musical extravaganzas. He was looking for someone to write the book – you know, the lyric – and for some reason, your name entered the conversation. To cut a long story short, the misapprehension arose that I had mooted you as a collaborator with him.
How I guffawed! It’s been said of me, rudely by family members, that I am apt to advance the most far-fetched and hare-brained suggestions but the very thought of you two fellows in cahoots had our party roaring with laughter, myself loudest of all. Now, back to the real world. Edible exercise books in school … Have you given any thought to this matter?
Yours, indeed
HRH The Prince of Wales
Lenny Henry
The British Broadcasting Corporation
London
England
18 January 1988
Dear Mr Henry
First of all, I should like to congratulate you on being in all likelihood Britain’s foremost black entertainer, breaking down barriers of prejudice and giving us all a much-needed good laugh. I know David Bellamy roars at your impersonation of him – you seem to have a tremendous feel for what white people are like. Which brings me to the matter at hand. It occurs to me, as Heir, that I will be presiding over a number of citizens from the black community. I will be their king as well and as such, I feel duty-bound to get to know them better, inside out.
To this end, I have devised a plan, which I thought I would present to you for your response. I propose, for a few days, to live in the black community disguised as a black man to find out more about how black people live, how they think and feel, in work and at play; observing them at close hand. You know, whenever I meet anyone, they’re always on their best behaviour – it makes me wonder what they would be like if they didn’t know it was one.
Of course, I know how badly this could possibly backfire: I might accidentally give myself ‘away’, which could be exceedingly embarrassing, or too little care could go into the make-up, leaving me like one of those minstrels about whom many of us now feel absolutely awful. Which is why it’s important that the make-up job be first rate.
I put the idea to one of my footmen, who it so happens is black, and insofar as it’s possible to gauge the reactions of a man suddenly stricken with a coughing fit, he did not appear to disapprove of the idea. Do you?
Yours, anxiously
HRH The Prince of Wales
Lenny Henry
The British Broadcasting Corporation
London
England
18 January 1988
Dear Mr Henry
Thank you for your response and yes, as you delicately put it, the whole idea does seem potentially catastrophic on a number of levels. Thanks for your honesty, though I must say one isn’t entirely convinced – I so want to ‘help’.
Yours &c
HRH The Prince of Wales
Jimmy Savile
Leeds General Infirmary
Leeds
Yorkshire
England
6 March 1992
Dear Mr Savile
I don’t think I’ve ever complimented you on the tremendous job you have done in educating people as to the nuances and details of the ‘rock’n’roll’ and ‘pop’ scenes. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Tina Charles’, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Rod Stewart & The Faces’, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Abba’, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Bay City Rollers’ … One goes away from your radio broadcasts feeling so much more informed.
I wonder, therefore, if I might persuade you to help me put together a cassette tape of pop songs, which I intend to present to my wife as a birthday present. I want to show her that I’m ‘with it’ and attuned to modern tastes, but so far all I’ve been able to think of putting on it is the one and only Duran Duran, the one and only Elton John, the one and only Phil Collins and the three and only Three Degrees.
You have your ear to the ground, you know the ‘scene’ – would you help a fellow out?
Yours &c
HRH The Prince of Wales
Julian Clary
c/o Channel 4
Charlotte Street
London
England
18 September 1992
Dear Mr Clary
I am writing to congratulate you on your homosexuality. Not everyone would agree with your right to exist as such, especially among the religious communities of whom I am Defender, but I think in time we can all sit together at the table of reasonableness and thrash out some sort of compromise in plain and simple language – free, one hopes, of the ‘double-entendres’ that are your stock in trade!
I’m writing to you, as one of the leaders of the homosexual community, on what you understand is a purely hypothetical matter. Suppose one harboured the suspicion – no, strike that, impression – that a member of one’s own family were homosexual? What would you advise? Not everyone can ‘come out’ in the way you did – for a start, you might find yourself out of a job if they did!
To the best of one’s knowledge there hasn’t been a homosexual in the Royal Family in many centuries, since Edward II, and even then, it might have been dramatic licence on the playwright Marlowe’s part. Are we statistically, even genetically, unusual? And if so, what are the odds of the family tree bearing one now? Perhaps we might discuss this matter privately, though still hypothetically, I cannot emphasise enough, at your earliest convenience.
Yours, man to man
HRH The Prince of Wales
Julian Clary
c/o Channel 4
Charlotte Street
London
England
22 September 1992
Dear Mr Clary
Regarding my letter the other day, I’ve given the matter further thought and decided to give the matter no further thought. It is quite unthinkable!
Yours &c
HRH The Prince of Wales
Eileen Derbyshire
(aka Emily Bishop)
c/o Granada Studios
Manchester
England
18 January 1994
Dear Miss Derbyshire
Well, for reasons you have doubtless read about my own life has become something of a ‘soap opera’, as I find myself in a so-called ‘love triangle’. I sometimes wish, as with you, that the credits could roll and there might be a day or so respite before it all strikes up again but alas, life is life – a 24-hour a day commitment!
I am sure you have read all about my affairs in the newspapers so I shan’t rake over t
hem here. Suffice to say, I do find myself wondering what Emily would have made of it all. I feel you are disappointed in me, Emily, the way you sometimes are in Ken when he goes ‘off the rails’ – or worse, Mike Baldwin. I suspect Emily might even scold me. Would you? I think I’d find that hard to bear, like a mother’s harsh words.
If you could, in Emily’s character, find a few words to say to me that you think might be both wise and reassuring at this time, I’d dearly appreciate reading them. If, however, you feel that Emily would be unable to bring herself to comment, perhaps you could get Percy Sugden, your lodger (or the actor who plays him at any rate) to convey to me a similar message to that effect.
Yours, in eternal confusion
HRH The Prince of Wales
Noel Edmonds
‘Crinkley Bottom’
BBC Television Centre
London
England
6 April 1994
Hello there, Noel!
And no, this isn’t one of your hilarious ‘spoofs’ – this is the actual Prince Charles. You’re something of a national institution, you know – from The Multi-Coloured Swap Shop to ‘Mr Blobby’ and the ‘House Party’, somehow you and your familiar beard sum up England and its mentality.
I have a favour to ask: I’m doing a presentation on eco-sustainability in Lancashire, in the regions. It’s an outdoor event and there will be young people there. It would impress them enormously if you were to make an ‘impromptu’ appearance. I see it mapping out as follows: I begin an address on the need to drastically cut down on our frivolous, wasteful use of fossil fuels. In your helicopter you descend from the skies, land, step out and in a few words endorse everything I’ve said, adding some comments about the need to conserve oil. Then you step back into your helicopter and with one last wave, fly off. I think it would really drive home ‘the’ message.
