by Lisa Jordan
As he turned the plastic-covered pages and took in the assorted images placed on background paper with stickers, his son grew from infancy to toddlerhood and then preschool to how he looked today.
Right before his eyes.
And Evan had missed it all.
A pain he couldn’t even begin to describe knifed his chest and twisted, leaving him feeling ragged and wounded.
But he couldn’t show it.
Not here.
Not now.
Because he was doing everything he could to make this work out.
He wouldn’t give Natalie any reason to keep his son from him.
Forcing himself to breathe, Evan kept turning pages.
Toward the end of the book, he found pictures of Aidan riding a merry-go-round and one of him flashing a toothy grin at the camera as he peered through the facial cutout of a painted gorilla.
Evan closed the book and gripped it, trying to find the right words to say. With emotions raging in his chest, he looked at her. “Why are you showing this to me now, Natalie?”
“I don’t know. To try and make amends?” She twisted her fingers together. “What I did was wrong, and I can never make up for that, but this at least gives you a glimpse of his very early years. I’ll get more photos printed and share them with you.”
Evan opened the book in the middle and stared at an image of his son holding a baby bunny in his arms and grinning at the camera. “I should’ve had more than a glimpse. I should’ve been there. You should’ve told me.”
She slid off the stool and paced the kitchen with her arms wrapped around her waist. “You’re right, but I can’t go back and change the past. All we can do is move forward. I hope you can find some way to forgive me, because if you want to be a part of Aidan’s life we need to get along. We won’t be fighting in front of him.” Her words and her tone left no room for argument.
Evan rested his elbow on the counter and cradled his head in his hand. He didn’t want to fight, either. Somehow, some way, he had to figure out how to forgive Natalie.
For all of their sakes.
Man, it was hard.
He closed the album, rested a hand on top of it and leveled Nat with a direct look. “When do you plan to tell him about me?”
She moved to the sink and stared out the window, her back to him. A moment later she turned with a look of resignation on her face. “Evan, I promise I did not do this to hurt you intentionally. I did try to find you and tell you about Aidan. I went to one of your races. I asked for you.”
“You did? When?”
“About a week after I learned I was pregnant. I don’t even remember which race it was. Dad had found out where you’d be from Chuck. I booked a one-way flight to Colorado in mid-July, I think. You had just finished a race and were coming out of the water with your paddle held over your head, wearing the face of a victor. People flocked around you, and a woman with blond braids threw her arms around you and kissed you in front of everyone.”
Evan scraped a hand over his face as memories of that day came into focus, including the woman he’d never met before kissing him and getting it captured on camera. “I’m sorry, Nat. I never saw you...never knew you were there. Why didn’t you say something?”
“I did—well, I tried. I mean, I tried to wait and pull you aside, but I got lost in the shuffle. I didn’t want to be one of your groupies. I didn’t want that lifestyle of living in a hotel, going from race to race. But it wasn’t about what I wanted. You had a right to know about the baby. Once I got home, I tried calling and texting you for two weeks. When you didn’t call or message me back, I figured you had moved on—especially after I saw that woman kiss you—and didn’t want to hear from me again.” Tears glistened in her eyes as her jaw set firm. “I love Aidan more than anything, and I will do what it takes to protect him. Even if it means protecting him from you.”
Evan pushed away from the island, strode across the room and stood in front of her. “It must have been around when I dropped my phone in the drink and had to buy a new one as soon as I could make it into town. I lost all my photos, contacts, messages, everything. I went off Dad’s family plan and got my own, which included a new phone number.”
She folded her arms over her chest. “How do I know you’re telling me the truth?”
He lifted his hands. “Why would I lie to you?”
“To save face? To avoid your responsibilities?”
Evan ground his teeth and fought against the words clawing at his throat. “I’ve always been a man of my word, and you know it, Nat. How do I know that you’re the one telling me the truth?”
Natalie gave him another long look, then slowly pulled her phone out of her back pocket. She scrolled through one of the apps, then handed it to him.
He took it and read a long series of one-sided texts asking him to call her. With time stamps that matched her story.
She was telling the truth.
He was the loser father who had abandoned his son. All because he had been horsing around with his teammates and dropped his phone in the river.
Way to go, knucklehead.
And he’d missed out on the first five years of his son’s life.
Handing the phone back to her, Evan softened his tone. “Natalie, I will never ever hurt Aidan, at least not intentionally.”
She thrust it back in her pocket. “He needs to know his dad’s going to be there for him. I know what it’s like to have a father come in and out of your life, leaving behind nothing but a string of empty words and broken promises.”
Evan cocked his head and frowned. “What are you talking about? Coach is one of the most stable fathers there is. His words are practically chiseled in stone. When he says something, he means it.”
Nat’s face paled. Then she closed her eyes and shook her head. “Not Ted. Never mind. Forget it. That’s not what I meant.”
Evan touched her elbow. “Then tell me. I want to know.”
“If we’re gonna make this work, you have to promise never to hurt Aidan.”
“Of course. You have my word. I’ve said that already.”
Nat’s shoulders slumped. “You gave me your word, so now you’ll have to show me through your actions. I’ll tell Aidan tonight.”
“Then what?”
“What do you mean, then what?”
“The kid’s bound to have questions. What will you tell him?”
“Well, the truth, of course.”
“The real truth...or your version of it?”
As soon as he said the words, Evan wished he could snatch them back. He didn’t want to antagonize Natalie, but his frustrations seemed to slip out before he could stop himself.
At least having Aidan know the truth about Evan was a step in the right direction.
And maybe they could move to some sense of normalcy, whatever that would be.
Chapter Five
“The real truth...or your version of it?”
Did Evan really believe she had skewed the truth for the past five years?
His words lingered in her thoughts, poking and prodding the tender wounds that never quite seemed to heal.
He was probably lashing out from hurt. And she didn’t blame him. She may have done the same thing.
Like she’d told Evan, she couldn’t make up for past mistakes, but she could do better moving forward, and that began by telling Aidan who his father was.
Even though kids were pretty resilient at his age, she hoped this wasn’t something he’d throw back in her face when he grew older.
She couldn’t worry about that now, though. She needed to follow through with her promise to Evan.
Cheeks still pink from his shower and damp curls plastered to his forehead, Aidan crawled into bed and slid his clean feet under the Spider-Man sheets that had been her brother’s at one time. He r
ested his head on the pillow and pulled the comforter up to his chin. “Will you read me a story?”
“Of course.” Natalie sat on the edge of the bed and smoothed his hair off his forehead. He needed a trim soon. “Did you have a fun day today, sweetie?”
He grinned and nodded. “Yep. I helped Grandpa feed the dogs. We played catch with Joey and Chandler—two new dogs at the kennel.”
“That sounds like a lot of fun. No wonder Grandpa was so sleepy after dinner.” She smoothed out his folded-down top sheet. “So, what did you think of the man who came to visit us tonight?”
Aidan shrugged and gave her a blank look. “Evan? The guy who made you cry?”
“He didn’t mean to make me cry. His name is Evan Holland. His family owns a farm with all kinds of animals, including baby cows. Evan’s dad is good friends with Grandpa.”
Aidan cocked his head and shot her a “you’ve got to be kidding” look. “Calves, Mom. Baby cows are called calves.”
Natalie laughed. “You’re absolutely right.”
He sat up, his face animated. “Can we see them?”
“Maybe. But I wanted to talk to you about something else. Something important. You know how I tell you it’s important to tell the truth?”
Aidan lay back on his side, tucked his hands between his cheek and his pillow, and nodded. “Yup, and I tell the truth even if I’m going to get in trouble. Did you tell a fib to Grandma and Grandpa?”
Natalie laughed. “No, I didn’t. But I haven’t been very truthful with someone else I love.”
“Who?”
Natalie cupped her son’s cheek. “You.”
“What did you fib to me about?”
“It wasn’t quite a fib. But I didn’t tell you all the truth.”
“About what?”
“Evan—the man who came to visit us after dinner—used to be very good friends with your uncle Ben, who died before you were born. I’ve known Evan a long time, and at one time, I loved him.”
“Love like you love me?”
“Not quite like I love you because I’m your mommy. More like the way Grandma and Grandpa love each other.”
Aidan made a face and stuck out his tongue. “Gross. You mean kissy kind of love?”
Natalie laughed. “Yes, kissy kind of love. Evan and I used to love each other very much, but things didn’t work out.”
“Why not?”
Natalie shrugged. “Sometimes grown-ups don’t always make the right choices.”
“You and Evan didn’t make the right choice?”
“No, if we had, we’d still be together, I’m sure. But that was in the past. We can’t change, but we can learn from it and make better choices. No matter what choices I’ve made, I’m so glad I have you. When you were born, it made me the happiest mommy in the whole wide world.”
“What about my daddy? Was he happy, too? Probably not since I don’t have one.” His little mouth turned down into a frown.
Natalie wanted to crush him to her chest and apologize over and over again for her failures as a mother. Instead, she sat on the edge of the bed and continued playing with his hair. “Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. You do have a daddy, honey. Evan, the man who came to visit tonight, is your daddy.”
His eyes brightened as he sat up again, knocking his favorite stuffed animal—a monkey named Henry—on the floor. “He is? I have a daddy for real?”
“Yes, baby. For real.”
“How come I didn’t know him before? How come he’s not in my baby pictures?”
The questions that would trail after her for the rest of her life...
“When you were born, Evan was far away, and he didn’t know about you.”
“Why not? Did you think he wouldn’t love me?”
“Oh, he would love you three baggies full. But I didn’t tell him about you.”
There. She’d said it.
Aidan scrunched up his face again and picked up Henry, clutching him to his chest. “Why not?”
“Because sometimes grown-ups make mistakes. And I made a big one. I tried to tell him once, but when I didn’t hear back from him, I wasn’t sure he was happy about the news that he had a beautiful baby boy. I texted and I called, but he never answered.”
“That’s rude. Grandma says we need to respond to people even if we don’t like what they have to say. We need to use our manners. He didn’t use his manners.”
“You know, kiddo, I didn’t think so at first, either. But tonight I learned that he had lost his phone in the river and had to buy a new one and ended up with a new number. So he wasn’t getting my calls or texts. I had you all to myself, and I was the happiest mommy in the whole wide world.”
“Does he want to see me now?”
“Yes, when I told him about you, he became the happiest daddy in the whole wide world. He wants to get to know you. He wants to do fun things with you. What do you think about that?”
Aidan frowned and toyed with Henry’s bow tie. “What if he doesn’t like me? What if he makes me cry like he made you cry?”
Natalie tapped Aidan on the nose. “Who wouldn’t like you? You’re the most wonderful boy on the whole planet.”
“You have to say that because you’re my mom. It’s in the rules.”
Natalie smiled. “I say it because it’s true. But Evan likes you already. You don’t have to do anything or change anything about yourself—he loves you just as you are.”
“How do you know that?”
“He told me. He wants to get to know you and be a good daddy in your life.”
“When can I see him again?”
“When do you want to see him again?”
“Can I see him tomorrow? As long as he doesn’t make you cry again?”
Natalie bit back a smile. “I’m sure Evan will be more than okay with it. And don’t worry. Evan wouldn’t do anything to hurt you—or me—on purpose.”
She said those words to reassure her son, but a part of Natalie also knew the truth. Evan would move mountains to protect his son.
And maybe that’s part of what she was afraid of.
What if he tried to move those mountains to keep her son away from her? She shook her head. No, she wasn’t going down that rabbit hole. Evan wasn’t the type to hurt her purposefully. Even after what she had done to him.
Maybe she needed to rethink the supervised visitation. Of course Aidan would be safe with his father. Still, Aidan also needed time to get to know Evan within his comfort zone. She couldn’t just thrust her son into Evan’s world without any precautions in place. She also needed a way to guard her heart, because from the moment she’d laid eyes on Evan all those old buried feelings came rushing back.
And she wasn’t sure how to manage them.
Because she couldn’t handle getting her heart broken again.
* * *
The man was impossible.
How was Natalie supposed to work with Evan when he wouldn’t listen to the advice she offered? The advice gleaned from her years of being a dog trainer.
But whatever.
Forcing a smile in place and schooling her tone, Natalie looked at the man who frustrated her more than any other. “I’m just saying if you—”
“Good boy.” Standing next to his foster dog, Evan gave Toby another treat and rubbed his head. He looked at Natalie. “I hear you, and I appreciate what you have to say, but I prefer to do it this way.”
As much as she wanted to argue that her way was better, she had to let it go.
She lifted her hands and took a step back. “You’re the one who wanted to meet up and see how I handle basic commands. I’m simply showing what’s worked best for me. Using visual cues before adding in verbal commands is how I do things.”
“And I appreciate that. Even though I’m not a certified professio
nal trainer like you, I’ve spent my life around dogs. Training Toby correctly is important, but I also want to give him a few days to get used to River and me. As I’m spending time with him, I’m using the words so he’ll get used to hearing them. Then once I begin teaching him the commands, he’ll be more familiar.”
“If that’s what you want to do, that’s fine. I started working with Daisy the day I brought her back to my parents’ house. Whatever you choose to do, you need to be sure to stay consistent and structured.”
“No, Nat. You need to be consistent and structured because that’s how you live your life. Every dog is different, and I’ll keep working with Toby and find out what’s best for him.”
“Since we need to agree to disagree, maybe we should work independently and meet up only when it comes to Aidan.”
“Now you’re mad.”
She closed her eyes and counted to three before opening them again and addressing him with a smile. “I’m frustrated that you won’t listen to me.”
“I heard what you were saying.”
“Hearing and listening are two different things.” Nat glanced at her smartwatch. “Maybe we should call it a day.”
“You seem to be in a hurry to get away from me. We’re going to be in each other’s lives for good, so you might as well get used to having me around.” Evan looked at her with serious eyes. “Keeping Aidan from me was far worse than what you perceived I did to you. If I can put that aside to do what’s best for our son, then you need to work through your issues with me to make it work as well, because I’m not going anywhere.”
Her gaze drifted over his head and landed on Aidan. He was filling the dogs’ water dishes with her dad, whose patience as Aidan tried to carry the bowls without sloshing the water too much filled her chest with love and a little sadness.
Sighing, she turned back to Evan, who sat on the ground with Toby. She sat across from him and tucked her feet under her legs. “I’m sorry. I’m frustrated this morning and I took it out on you. You’re right. There’s more than one way to train. I’ll try to be more open-minded with your methods...and with you.”
He flashed her a grin, causing her treacherous heart to jump, and reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “And I will try to listen more and be more open to what you’re suggesting.”
