Cassie looked about her as she snuggled into her jacket. A group of kids ran past them on their way to the park. Their laughter filled the air.
It was a welcome diversion, though she was still acutely aware of Luke beside her. And, even though there was a definite chill beginning in the air she could still feel the heat from his body at her side. Very close to her side. Did he have to stand that close?
“You know I don’t know what you do.” Luke’s deep voice made her jump.
“Do?”
“Yes.”
“Do What?” she asked frowning incomprehensively.
“For a living... you know... a job. You must work if you are always paying Faye’s debts.” Cassie stiffened at the mention of Faye’s name but then willed her body to relax as she reminded herself that Luke wasn’t accusing her of anything. She was being too over sensitive to the Faye issue she knew that but she couldn’t help it.
“Oh...” she fell silent.
“So…” Luke said in a coaxing voice.
“I am an illustrator.” She told him not going into any detail. She didn’t want to be having this conversation anyhow.
The less he knew about her the better as far as she was concerned. If he knew too much, then he had even more of an advantage over her and he already had far too much of that in her opinion.
Besides, now that Faye was in Australia there would be no reason to come into contact with Luke now. So there was definitely no point in becoming friends with the man. Cassie wanted it all to go away and be done with.
“You illustrate books?” Luke asked her now. It was obvious that he was not going to let it go.
“Books, flyer’s, advertising. Anything that needs illustrating really” She watched a group of ducks on the water for a few moments.
It helped to take her mind off the man walking by her side. No, she revised, it did no such thing she was still acutely aware of him.
Even the wind around them seemed to be against her. It whirled around carrying Luke’s scent and then shoving it in her face so that she had no choice but to breath it in.
“Does it pay?” he asked. For a moment she cast a sideways glance at him. There was no hint of amusement or derision. He seemed genuinely interested.
“I am not rich if that’s what you are asking but I’m not poor.” She sighed. “It pays reasonably well. I should be better off.” She admitted.
“Why aren’t you?”
“I was blessed with a Faye.” She shrugged. “They cost a fortune to run.” She told him.
“Have you thought of trading her in for another model?” Luke asked and she could hear the amusement in his voice and she smiled, even though she tried not to.
“For a while I did.”
“So why don’t you?”
“No one is willing to take her off my hands.” Luke laughed, a deep rich sound that Cassie found rather pleasing. “I can’t even manage a part exchange.”
“How about getting her in to be serviced. She probably needs a tune up.” Cassie shrugged.
“Not that easy. Anyway, I work hard and Faye works just as hard to get into trouble so that I have to spend it. Other than that the job itself pays well, if you manage to always find work. If not...” She shrugged letting her words trail off.
“Was that a dig at me?” Luke asked her.
“No, why would it?” Cassie asked him earnestly.
“You may not have noticed but it’s obvious that I’m not short of money.” Luke told her in a low voice, almost as if he were embarrassed by his wealth.
“Oh, no I didn’t mean anything by that.” She assured him quickly. “I didn’t realise that a doctor was paid so much.”
She regretted saying it the minute the words were out because it was obvious that he lived far above what a doctor’s salary would provide.
Now it looked like she had been fishing for information about him and she had been doing no such thing. Or perhaps it made her look like she was judging him. She wasn’t sure how he was taking her comment.
“Old family money I’m afraid.” His sarcastic tone came through his words.
Cassie found it odd that he would find it so disdainful. She, on the other hand, had been dirt poor all her life and would have no problem if she had a little more money than she did right now. Though, if she didn’t have a Faye she would be.
Not having to worry about how to pay the rent would be an invaluable asset to her life along with, not worrying about putting food on the table.
“Oh sorry I just thought... actually I don’t know what I thought.” She confessed to him.
“Perhaps you should ask your sister. She has some very interesting ideas.” Luke told her.
“Oh?”
“I am a top secret spy.” He told her.
“She never.” Cassie gasped in shock and then laughed as Luke nodded.
“She also thought I was a cat burglar in my spare time.” Luke laughed then at the memory.
Had Faye really said that? She probably had. Cassie knew Faye was prone to flights of fancy. But to actually accuse someone of that.
“She never did?”
“She did.” Luke assured her.
And then Cassie saw the funny side of that and laughed out loud, a happy giggly sound. It was a sound that Cassie hadn’t made for a long while and it felt good. “I like the sound of your laugh.” Luke told her and she immediately stopped.
“So you’re not a cat burglar then.” She asked him.
“Fraid not, I wish I was, it sounds so much more exhilarating than the truth.” Luke grimaced. “Neither am I a spy or a hired hitman.”
“Faye.” Cassie groaned. “I am sorry. She can be… she just can be.” Cassie grimaced. What else was there to say?
“You have no need to apologize. I much prefer those to the truth.”
“And what is the truth?” She asked and then stopped. Why had she asked that? It was none of her business. She did not want to get to know the man or had she forgotten that.
“Unfortunately, I was just born with a boring old silver spoon in my mouth. For which I have spent most of my life apologizing for.” Cassie looked at Luke’s profile and saw the derisive twist of his lip.
“Why would you need to apologise?” she asked him and he shrugged.
“I guess you get more respect if you earn your wealth.” Luke looked out across the water.
“But you do work hard.” Cassie challenged and she felt herself bristle on his behalf.
“Yes I do, but no matter how hard I work as a doctor it’s never going to make me rich and I will always be the chump that inherited money.” He told her ruefully.
“That’s unfair if you ask me.” She told him. She felt Luke’s eyes on her and she deliberately kept her eyes focused forward.
“Unfair, maybe but, that’s the way of life.”
“What made you become a doctor?” She asked him with genuine curiosity.
“I needed to feel my life had some purpose. I guess I could have sat around for the rest of my life going to parties and living the high life like many other members of my family but it always seemed so hollow.”
“Fair enough.” She said.
“What about you? What made you become an illustrator?” he turned the attention back to her which she disliked. She found she wanted to know more about him and his life even if it meant venturing into dangerous territory.
“I was good at it so I just allowed myself to be steered in that direction. I’ve not really given much thought as to whether I actually enjoy it.”
“Who steered you in that direction.
“My mother, and circumstances.”
“You did it for her.”
“Yeah but then Faye being Faye has meant that even if I wanted to change it or pursue something else I can’t. my job is money in the bank so to speak.”
“And owning a Faye means you need money.” Luke took a guess.
“Exactly. I don’t know, my mother wanted me to do it and I guess I ju
st never challenged it.” Cassie realised how sad that actually sounded now that she said it out loud. “She never got to see me achieve it. She was…” she stopped and held her breath for a moment. It was best not to go over all that, what good would it do?
She had often thought about doing something else. Of challenging the decision. But, she had never expressed it to anyone. Why was it that Luke was able to draw that omission out of her without trying? She had practically volunteered it.
“Because she’s not here anymore.” Luke guessed.
“When she died...” Cassie stopped and bit her lip. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. She turned to look out over the lake so that she could compose herself. She did not want Luke to see her tears because then he would pity her and she didn’t want that.
“I’m sorry. What happened?” Luke asked softly and Cassie could feel his hand at her elbow soften.
“Pancreatic cancer” she told him her voice thick with emotion from the painful lump that was sitting at the back of her throat.
“That’s tough.”
“Yeah, but truthfully she would have died young anyway.”
“Because of her drinking.” Luke said and she nodded her head. “Was it really that bad?”
“Mum would start her day on the bottle, by lunchtime she couldn’t tell you the day or the year. Then she’d crash out by late afternoon and sleep until the morning where she would start all again.”
“Tough life.” Cassie instantly bristled.
“I managed.” She told him.
“And Faye helped.”
“I have always been able to manage on my own.” She said firmly.
“I’m sorry.”
“There’s no need to be. I told you, I can manage all on my own. I don’t need anyone.” She became defensive.
“Ah.”
“Ah?”
“Yes… Ah.”
“Ah… what?”
“Ah… something.” Luke said.
“What’s that supposed to mean.” She demanded feeling herself getting angry at him.
Chapter 18.
“I think I am beginning to understand the dynamics of things now.” He told her. His tone was one of confidence. “It makes a little more sense.”
“You don’t understand. You don’t know me.” She said.
“You think not?”
“No.” she said decisively.
“So you became mother to Faye and to your own mother as well?”
“I guess, yeah.” She agreed with a shrug. “Faye was always a little more delicate than me.”
“She found things difficult.”
“I was just always the stronger one. And Mum, well she needed a lot of looking after. There was the cleaning up after her and then she would become quite tearful at times.” She shrugged.
“So you looked after them and cared for them. You dried their tears and hugged them. You soothed them and protected them.” He added.
“By the time I was eight, it was normal.”
“Who did you turn to when you needed someone to be strong for you. To dry your tears, to hug you.” He asked her softly.
“I told you, I need no one. I am fine just as I am on my own. By myself.”
“And you would rather rely only on yourself.” Luke replied.
“There is only me to rely on. Faye needs me to be strong. My mother needed me to be strong.”
“All the time.”
“Yes all the time.”
“Because you mustn’t give in to any sign of weakness.” Luke said knowingly.
“What do you mean by that?” she demanded hotly.
“Just that. Are you so afraid of showing people that you hurt that you are willing to cover yourself in layers of false bravado?”
“I just don’t need anyone, that’s all.” She said quietly.
“Everybody needs someone.” Luke told her.
“Well I don’t. I am just fine by myself.”
“On your own, without anyone, alone … yes you said.” Luke said. “What about your father. You said he was in Australia.” Luke continued.
Cassie sighed heavily. She did not want to talk about this, not with him. That was personal, she had no wish to discuss it with anyone. Couldn’t he just drop it.
“He moved out there when Faye and I was two. Mum and he didn’t get on. She spent a lot of time crying over it.” Cassie gave a harsh laugh before admitting. “She spent a lot of time moaning about it and talking about it and getting angry about it too.” She sighed and pushed the memories away, there was no point in going over it.
“So he just upped and left.”
“Yes.”
“And he never kept in contact with you.” Luke sounded incredulous and Cassie felt her heart give a little joyous leap. At least he thought her father’s behaviour was off. Why couldn’t Faye see that?
“Not a peep in all these years.” Cassie shook her head. “In fact it was a bolt out of the blue when Faye told me she had been in contact with him. Apparently she tracked him down and called him.”
“How long have they been in contact?” he asked her.
“According to Faye they have been talking for best part of a year or so.” Cassie sighed wistfully as pain stabbed at her heart.
“And you had no idea. She didn’t tell you.” Luke told her rather than asked.
“Not a dickie bird.” She agreed, she tried to sound off hand but knew she had failed when Luke’s hand stroked her arm soothingly. Instantly her skin grew warm and her stomach did a funny little dance.
“Does she ever use that brain of hers?” Cassie shook her head. “She must know how you feel. She must know how it hurts you.” Luke continued to press his point and Cassie felt uncomfortable talking about her relationship with her sister. She didn’t want to give him ammunition.
“I guess she knew I wouldn’t like it and decided it was far better to keep it a secret.” Cassie told Luke trying to sound nonchalant about it.
“She enjoys hurting you.”
“No she just doesn’t realise.” Cassie defended.
“That’s bull. We both know that. She enjoys it. Goes out of her way to strike a point against you.” She was told. Immediately she bolstered but then bit down on her lip. He was right. She hated that, that he had been able to see that in just the few times he had seen them together. He did not miss anything did he? “You don’t want to get to know him. Your father.” Luke swapped back quickly to the original conversation.
“Not really. He has had twenty-seven years. If he’d have wanted a relationship with us he would have kept trying even if mother put up barriers. He didn’t try, not as far as I can see anyway.” Cassie could feel that anger burning inside again.
Even after their mother’s death he had not tried. Even though they were adults he still had not tried. Faye had made the first move, not him. She had done all the running, not him. She was the one going to Australia instead of him coming to England. To Cassie that spoke volumes.
“It sounds like it’s still painful for you Cassie. Which would suggest that perhaps you might want a relationship with him.” Luke’s softly spoken voice intruded into her thoughts.
“Trust me, I don’t.” She told him bitterly. “Like I said I don’t need anyone.”
“Yes, you do. Don’t miss out on something just because you are angry at your Dad. That would be a terrible shame.”
Luke’s soothing voice salved her raw nerves and she nestled deeper into her jacket. Truth be told what she really wanted to do was nestle in Luke’s arms. She impatiently brushed the thought away.
“Are you judging my decision?” Cassie asked as she stopped and turned to face him.
“I’m just saying that it would be a shame not to allow a chance between you and your Dad. Both my parents died in a car accident. I wouldn’t mind being given a chance to see them again. There are so many things I would ask.” Cassie watched the sadness flash across his face before he regained control of it.
“I’m so
rry, I didn’t know.” She gasped. How terrible to lose both parents and at the same time.
“It was a long time ago. I was in med school.” He dismissed. “But we were talking about you and your father.
“Well I am not interested. He had his chance and he blew it.” She huffed angrily.
“That’s very unforgiving of you. Even Faye managed that.” Luke goaded.
“Yes but, Faye also manages to wreak havoc wherever she goes. She also costs me a fortune every time she gets herself into trouble.” Cassie threw back bitingly.
“Well at the risk of you getting even angrier than you already are with me. Might I suggest that you stop bailing her out?” he said now.
“Easier said than done.” She defended herself.
“Try.” He persisted.
“It’s not as easy as that.”
“But it does her no favours and evidently it doesn’t do you any either.” Luke told her abruptly.
“She’s my sister.” Cassie’s voice rose.
“It does not give her the right to do what she does. Or to behave the way she does. Or, treat you the way she treats you.” Luke continued firmly.
“She is my sister and she needs me. She’s sensitive.” Well, that was one way of putting it, Cassie thought.
“What about you Cassie?” he asked her. His eyes intently on hers. Staring into them.
“What about me?”
“What do you need, want.”
“Nothing. Look I don’t expect you to understand. Faye just can’t cope with things and needs me to be there for her. She is my sister.” She jutted out her chin in defiance.
“Yes she is and Mummy Cassie mops up behind her and pats her on the head saying there, there, dear don’t worry and so little Faye doesn’t worry and little Faye has been robbed of the opportunity to understand what she has done wrong.” Cassie’s hackles were instantly raised.
“Are you telling me that Faye’s behaviour is my fault again.” She all but shouted the words at him as she tried to defend herself.
He did not understand the relationship she had with her sister. He did not understand her sister and he had no right to think that he could pass judgement on her or Faye. He did not know or understand her either.
“Yes, that is what I am saying.” Luke agreed standing his ground firmly as he looked down at her.
The things we do for love. Page 13
