He was a fraud.
He couldn’t help anyone. He couldn’t save anyone. And at the end of the day, he wasn’t the man he thought he was—the man anyone thought he was.
He was a failure.
“Alex?”
Looking at her, he felt…sad. For her. For him. For them. He shook his head. “I…I can’t think about any of that right now, Megan. You should do what you’ve always planned on doing. Who am I to be telling anyone how they should live?” Moving away from her, he climbed from the bed, walked over, and pulled on yesterday’s clothes.
Megan came up behind him, and as he straightened, she wrapped her arms around him. “You’re an amazing and incredibly smart man. You helped me see things about my life I never saw before.” She kissed his shoulder, but Alex quickly stepped away.
“Let’s make some breakfast,” he murmured and all but sprinted from the room. The last thing he wanted to hear was praise for himself. Didn’t she realize what he’d done? Wasn’t it obvious that he clearly didn’t have his shit together?
He was down in the kitchen and pulling food from the refrigerator to make them breakfast before Megan was even halfway down the stairs. What he wanted more than anything was to just…not talk. Not think.
And just not…be.
Wordlessly, she came into the kitchen and put the coffee on. They moved around the kitchen—around each other—and managed to make a small batch of pancakes without saying anything. They sat down together, and Alex struggled for something to say—something that wasn’t about…anything.
“I was thinking about taking you to Crystal Springs today,” he said casually. “We haven’t been out exploring in a while. The weather’s supposed to be great. We’ll pack up the lunch stuff I bought yesterday to take with us, and then I can make what I had planned for last night tonight. What do you think?”
If she thought he was trying to avoid what they were talking about earlier, she didn’t let on, nor did she bring it up. The rest of their breakfast conversation was neutral—as in she talked to him more about her conversation with her brother and how it made her feel.
But she didn’t ask for his advice, and he didn’t offer any.
If anything, they were carefully circling one another and talking like casual acquaintances.
And while it should have bothered him—and there was a time in their relationship that it had—right now he wasn’t feeling anything.
He was numb, and he knew he was going to stay that way for a long time.
Chapter 11
For the better part of a week, Megan had been walking on eggshells. Alex was not handling Danny’s death well—not that most people would notice. On the surface, he was behaving like his usual self, but she knew better. He was putting on an act for his family, for his coworkers. And to some degree, for her.
The funeral was both uplifting and heartbreaking. So many people had shown up to celebrate Danny’s life, but the entire time Megan stood beside Alex, she could feel how tense he was. She wished he would cry or yell or vent in some way, but he didn’t. He was the pillar of strength for everyone, and the eulogy he gave had everyone in tears.
Standing at the front of the large Presbyterian church, Alex had faced all the people who had loved Danny. After sharing stories of their childhood antics and poetically talking about his friend’s lust for life, Alex turned somber.
“I feel like the first half of our lives was spent with me trying to guide Danny. I was the levelheaded one, the practical one. He always tried to get me to cut loose a little and have some fun—and I did—but at the end of the day, I did my best to get him back on track when he’d wander.”
Pausing for a moment, he went on, “In the past few months, I feel like our roles reversed a bit. Danny had something to teach me, and at times, I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to stay on track and listen. I knew if I did, then I’d have to accept what he was saying—and what he was saying was that it was time for him to let go.” Another pause as emotion seemed to clog his throat and halt his words.
“You see, he was tired. He’d fought the good fight for so long that his body was too weary to go on. I kept thinking if I just helped him move his legs or improve his circulation, it would make a difference. But in the end, he was the one helping me make improvements in my own life.” He swallowed hard. “People ask why—why did he have to suffer for so long? And I’ll admit to thinking the same thing. But what I have come to believe is that Danny was here to help us all. We need to remember that life is precious. Every day is a gift. We need to cherish it. And each other.”
Megan had sobbed openly. She didn’t normally do that, and at a time when she should have been comforting Alex, he had stepped down from the podium and comforted her.
Which was so typical of him.
She had delayed going back to San Diego because she didn’t want to leave him, though he had been fairly vocal about her needing to get back to work. Megan had argued that she was working—she was going in to the office with Zach every day—but she knew what he was referring to. He seemed to be deliberately pushing her away, and for the life of her, she couldn’t understand why.
Okay, that wasn’t completely true—she knew he was struggling with guilt. Or some form of delayed survivor’s guilt. But he wouldn’t talk about it. Every time she tried to bring it up, he shut down and would go for a run or claim he had to work on client files. She wasn’t stupid; she caught on to his diversion tactic fairly quickly.
She just didn’t know what to do about it.
Okay, and that wasn’t completely true either. With her father calling her almost nonstop, she had finally conceded and made arrangements to head back to San Diego for a few days to work more with Christian’s IT team to get the work and training done for the new system. Alex had seemed greatly relieved when she’d told him her plans, but she had been the one freaking out when he told her she should stay in California until the job was done.
Not a good sign at all.
But at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do because it would get her father off her back and maybe give Alex the time alone he needed to finally grieve.
It should have been the perfect plan—the right thing to do—and now that she was settled in with Christian, she realized that maybe it was a good thing for her as well.
Until Zach called.
She’d been away for five days when her cousin called in a state of near panic.
“When was the last time you talked to Alex?” he asked sharply when she answered the phone.
Her first instinct had been to be annoyed at his tone and his lack of a greeting, but his question put her on high alert. “Um…yesterday morning. Why?”
Cursing under his breath, Zach let out a loud sigh before answering. “I just got a call from Tony—he’s one of the therapists Alex works with—and he said Alex quit.”
“What?” she cried. “When?”
“Tuesday.”
The day she had left for San Diego.
Megan collapsed in her chair and wondered why Alex would do something like that—why he would lie to her or simply not tell her what he’d done—which was what she asked Zach.
“I have no idea. I thought he was doing all right. I’ve been talking to him almost every day since Danny died, and he seemed like he was okay. Obviously, I was wrong.”
“Did you call him after you spoke to Tony?” she demanded, now knowing exactly how he must have felt when he called her.
“I’ve been trying, but he hasn’t answered. I went by the house, and he’s not there.”
Now she cursed. “He has to be somewhere, Zach! Have you called his parents? Has Tony tried calling him? I mean…someone has to have talked to him!”
Now she was getting frantic and hating the fact that—once again—she wasn’t there.
“Okay, I think we both need to calm dow
n a bit,” Zach said evenly. “I’m going to keep calling and texting him. Why don’t you do the same, and we’ll talk again later?”
A sound by the doorway caught her attention, and she saw her brother standing there, concern written all over his face.
“Zach, you have to find him,” she said fiercely as emotion threatened to choke her. “Please.”
“I’m doing my best, Megan,” he said solemnly. “I swear.”
When she hung up, she looked at her brother.
“What’s going on?” he asked, and she relayed her call with Zach to him.
“What am I supposed to do?” Megan cried. “I have no idea what I’m supposed to do at this point!”
Christian looked at her and frowned. “Megan, why are you even asking me this? You know I’m the last person to—”
“You’re right,” she said with irritation as she stood. She was done looking to other people to tell her what was right and what was wrong for her or simply what to do. Right now, she was doing what she wanted—what she knew in her heart was the best thing for her. “I need you to get the IT team in here right now for a meeting.” Walking around the office, she began collecting her things, and when she looked at her brother, he was grinning.
And Christian hardly ever grinned.
“Anything else I can do?”
Stopping in her tracks, she studied him. “Yeah. You can smile more.”
He laughed softly. “Anything else?”
Nodding, she said, “You can get me on the first flight back to Portland.”
* * *
Walking out of the airport, Megan looked around for her ride. Christian said someone would be here to pick her up, but she had no idea who it would be. Placing her suitcase on the pavement, she looked at the cars lined up outside baggage claim and figured she needed to look for Summer or Gabriella. The sound of a horn beeping made her jump, and she looked and saw Zach parked right in front of her.
He didn’t get out of the car, and she simply threw her luggage in the backseat. When she was seated and they were pulling away, she looked at him. “Well? Have you talked to him?”
Zach shook his head and focused on maneuvering through the traffic. “All I got was a brief text saying he’s camping and wasn’t sure when he’d be home. I have a pretty good idea where he is, but…I can’t be sure.”
“Can we go there now? Can you take me to him from here?”
Glancing at her, he said, “Megan, you need to think this through. It’s great that you want to help him—”
“But—”
“But I’ve never seen Alex like this. I’m thinking maybe I should go or maybe one of his therapist friends. Having you here and waiting for him at the house would probably be a lot smarter than you going to him right now.”
“Bullshit!” she cried. “I don’t want to sit and wait, and it’s not your call to make. I’m the one who’s going to go to him! I’m the one who loves him, dammit!”
A slow smile played across Zach’s face, and he quickly hit the Bluetooth and called Ethan. She was mildly confused when all he said to Ethan was “We’re going with plan B” and hung up.
“I don’t understand,” she said. “What’s happening?”
“Just…give me a few minutes, and it will all make sense,” he said and was about to say more when her phone rang.
One look at the screen, and she wanted to scream.
It was her father.
Again.
Megan was frustrated enough to not ignore it. “Hey, Dad,” she said when she answered, but there was no hiding her annoyance.
“Megan, where are you? I called the office and was told you left for Portland. What’s going on? You can’t leave in the middle of a job!”
“Actually, I can, and I did,” she said tartly. “Christian’s team is doing fine, and they don’t need me there to babysit. And on top of that, I’m turning down the position.”
“What!?”
Her whole body seemed to sag with relief at saying those words aloud. “I don’t want to live like this, Dad. I want to have a life. A life with Alex. And right now, he needs me. You can be angry or disappointed in me or whatever, but this is the way it’s going to be. I’m staying in Portland, and I’m working with Zach, and…that’s it.”
“Megan, wait! This is ridiculous. You’re not thinking clearly—”
“You know what? For the first time in my life, I think I am,” she snapped. “I’m doing what I want to do, and you know what that entails? Being with Alex, being happy at my job, and crocheting all kinds of frivolous baby things in my spare time! And I don’t care what you think about that!”
She was on a roll, but she noticed they were pulling up to Summer and Ethan’s house. She looked at Zach questioningly, but he said nothing. “I have to go now, Dad. I’ll talk to you when I can.” And then she hung up.
Once they were in the driveway, Zach motioned for her to go into the house. Ethan was standing at the front door and moved aside with Amber in his arms. When they were all in the living room, Megan looked around. “Where’s Summer?”
Zach held up a hand to stop her from asking any other questions and then began to explain.
“If all that was required here was a new outfit or a day at the spa, believe me, Summer and Gabriella would be here,” he began. “But what you’re looking to do requires a different approach.”
She looked at Zach and then Ethan and then back to Zach. “I’m not following you. I’m going after Alex. What more is there?”
Ethan laughed softly. “Megan, you’re not just going to go after him like you’re walking into his house. He’s camping—like in a tent near the lake. It’s not a spot you can drive to, and there are no modern conveniences there.”
“Or anywhere close by,” Zach added.
“So…wait…so you guys are like…so this is…?”
“Remember the day the girls took you shopping?” Ethan asked. “Well, this is our equivalent to a girls’ day. Just…a bit more sped up and a lot less glamorous.”
And then she was so overwhelmed with emotion that she was laughing and crying at the same time. Both men looked nervously at one another and then at her.
“Um…Megan?” Zach asked.
She waved him off. “This is…this is seriously the greatest thing ever. I mean, I loved going shopping with the girls; that’s what we’re programmed to do. But this? What the two of you are doing? I don’t think I’ve ever felt so loved. Thank you!” Reaching out, she hugged Zach and then Ethan. Then she took a moment to get herself together. With a steadying breath, she finally said, “Okay, what’s first?”
For an hour, the guys explained to her how to pack her backpack, the proper clothes to wear, and the importance of being aware of your surroundings. Her head was spinning with all the information. They explained how to use the compass and made her practice walking around with all of her gear on.
“You won’t need a tent. Alex will have one,” Ethan explained. “But we’ve put a sleeping bag in with your stuff. You’ll need to remember that you’re sleeping on the ground, so there’s not a lot of padding. Chances are you’re going to be a little uncomfortable…”
“But,” Zach quickly interrupted, “it should only be for a night or two, and I think you’ll be fine.” He glared at Ethan. “Don’t make it sound horrible, dude. We’re supposed to be encouraging her.”
“I am encouraging her,” Ethan argued lightly. “But it’s also important that she be prepared for things like this so that she doesn’t say something later on or complain and make Alex feel bad. He’s already struggling, and you know he’s the type who’ll pack up and leave to make Megan happy even if he’s not ready to go.”
“Okay, let’s all stop talking like I’m not here,” she interjected calmly. “Look, I’m aware that this is going to be far out of my comfort zone and I am goin
g to have to have a good poker face to get through it. But I’m willing to go and be miserable and sleep on rocks and pee in the woods if it means being there for Alex! So can we please get back to business so we can go?”
Ethan and Zach exchanged glances. “Geez, relax,” Zach said with a small huff. “I’m just looking out for you.”
She rolled her eyes. “And I’m very thankful for you. For the both of you,” she quickly amended. “But we are seriously losing daylight here. I have no idea how far away Alex’s campsite is, and I’m nervous and anxious and, honestly, a little bit nauseous. I hate that he’s out there all alone and hurting, and I just want to get to him. So can we please…wrap this up and get going?”
An hour later, Megan was wearing leggings, a T-shirt, a sweatshirt, and boots, and pulling her hair up into a ponytail. Zach was loading all of her gear into the car. When she stepped out of Summer and Ethan’s guest room and into the living room, she stopped and smiled. Ethan was sitting on the floor singing to Amber, and she was laughing. It was a precious scene. Ethan caught sight of her and stopped mid-song. He scooped his daughter up and stood.
“So? You sure you’re ready?” he asked.
Nodding, she said, “I am. Tell Summer thank you for letting me raid her closet.”
He walked into the kitchen and then came back with a small cooler bag and handed it to her. “There are a couple bottles of water in there, some granola bars, two sandwiches, and two chocolate bars.” He smiled and then seemed to blush. “You know…in case you really need something to calm your nerves.”
Standing on her tiptoes, Megan kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you.”
Outside, Zach beeped the horn, and her heart kicked hard in her chest. She looked at Ethan again, and her expression must have showed how nervous she was.
“Zach’s going to walk you as far as he can,” he assured her. “There’s a battery pack in your gear, and we normally have some decent cell service when we camp out at that site, so if you need someone to come and get you, you can call any of us at any time. Okay?”
Until There Was Us Page 29
