Graham, Jan - Finding Angel [Wylde Shore] (Siren Publishing Ménage and More)

by Graham, Jan

  Daniel’s fingers ran along the top of her bodice, tracing the curve of her breast. He let his finger come to rest on the rose nestled in between the top button’s opening and circled it with the tip of his finger.

  “This is nice. Have I told you how beautiful you are today?”

  “No.” Daniel could see Angel’s chest heaving against the bodice of her dress as she leaned back against the island and stared at his finger toying with the rose.

  “You are beautiful, and I love you. I love everything about you.” His hand moved up toward her neck and his fingers brushed the length of her scar that sat at its base. He tried to conceal the anger he felt as he eyed the old injury. “I will love you always, and I will protect you from any harm. No one will ever hurt you, Angel, not as long as I’m alive. I want you to believe me when I tell you that.”

  “I do believe you, Daniel, and when you or Christian are near me, I feel safer than I have my entire life.”

  He knew Angel wasn’t used to declarations of love and promises of care and protection. She probably felt a little awkward hearing them, but he was speaking from his heart, and he wanted her to know she would always be cherished by Christian and him.

  Daniel wanted to hold onto her forever. He wanted to tell her he knew about the attack, how Samuel had almost killed her, and that she would never have to feel fear like that again. He held her in his arms, feeling her breath against him.

  “When you or Christian are near me I feel safer than I have my entire life.” The words echoed in his head, and a smile breached his lips. He was pleased she had told him that, happy that Christian and he had given her more than just a place to stay and some mind-blowing sex. Daniel wanted Angel to know what love was like. He wanted her love and trust, and for Angel, he assumed feeling safe was the first step she needed to take to let the rest of her feelings rise.

  “Oh, my God.” Christian’s voice boomed through the house as he entered. “That smells absolutely divine, just like our mum’s roast. What are you cooking, Daniel?”

  “I’m not cooking. Angel is.” He gazed down at her. “Whatever it is, she’s serving it with burnt gravy.”

  “Oh, bollocks,” Angel said, pushing past him to inspect the gravy that had stuck to the bottom of the pan. “I got distracted by someone.” She glared at Daniel.

  “I’d be keen to distract you as well in that outfit,” Christian said, walking over, kissing her tenderly on the cheek. “You are stunning.”

  Angel made fresh gravy while the brothers went and changed their clothes. Daniel and Christian emerged from their bedrooms to see a large roast on a platter ready for carving sitting toward the end of the table. Accompanying it was a plate of roasted vegetables, potato, carrot, pumpkin, kumara, and onion, and a bowl of fresh-steamed beans and broccoli.

  “I am in heaven,” Christian said as he sat down. Angel placed the gravy boat onto the table, the rich brown sauce still letting off waves of steam as she positioned it near the meat.

  “Which one of you wants to carve the meat?” Angel asked, taking her place at the table.

  “Why don’t you do it, Angel?” Christian replied before glancing over at Daniel, who picked up the carving knife and fork handing it to Angel

  “I’m not really good at carving meat. I’d prefer not to.” She sat staring between Christian, Daniel, and the outstretched carving set.

  Angel knew it was ridiculous, but she hated cutting up meat. She always got her butcher to dice or slice anything she needed to cook. Angel knew she avoided sharp knives and that it was a silly thing for her to do, but she hated the glint of the steel, especially as it sliced through meat.

  “I’ll do it.” Christian stood and took the carving knife from Daniel. He ran his finger carefully against the edge of the blade before taking the steel out of the carving set and proceeding to sharpen the knife. Angel sat in silence as Christian moved effortlessly to sharpen the knife. Long quick strokes of metal against the steel made her ears whoosh and her heartbeat begin to race.

  It’s only a roast. It’s Christian. You’re safe. You’re okay. There is nothing to be scared of. I’m safe, I’m safe, I’m safe.

  Angel sat with her eyes firmly shut repeating her mantra silently in her head. I’m safe, I’m safe. The sound of the blade being sharpened throbbed through her ears. Why had Christian decided to sharpen the damn knife? She’d have been fine if he had just carved the meat. She had no reason to have such a reaction. She had believed she had almost cured herself of the images of the blade against her throat and the nightmares that flowed from it. Why was it that every time she relaxed and thought her fears had gone that something as simple as carving a roast made her retreat back to the helpless state she now sat in?

  Christian knew he was being a jerk, but he had decided on the spur of the moment to see if he could get a reaction from Angel and possibly give Daniel and himself a way into the conversation with her. A conversation that they knew she would be reluctant to have. Seeing her reaction, he wished he had just sliced the meat. He hadn’t thought much about it when she had closed her eyes after seeing the flash of steel as he began to sharpen the knife. It was the fact she was now rocking, almost in rhythm to the strikes of the blade against the sharpening steel that horrified him. He watched her lips that appeared to be moving slightly, mouthing the same thing over and over again.

  “Carve the damn roast, Christian.” He heard the anger reflected in Daniel’s voice.

  Christian stared back over at Angel. He really should have listened to Daniel and not tried to force the issue. Daniel had explained to him the trauma reactions victims of crime suffered. Sometimes the effects lasted years and occurred even when there was nothing to fear. A simple smell or sound could trigger a retreat back to the event. Angel had obviously been triggered by something he had done. It may have been the knife or the knife in the hands of a man standing in front of her. It could have been the sound of the steel or the glint of the blade as it was being sharpened. Either way, whatever had caused it, Christian realised all they could do was wait for her to gain control of the fear and come back from wherever her mind had taken her.

  Angel’s hands were clenched into fists resting on the edge of the table, and her body rocked back and forward ever so slightly. Christian was pleased Daniel had placed his hand over one of hers. At least Daniel hadn’t caused this trauma so he might be able to comfort her. Christian noticed her fist loosen under his brother’s gentle grip and her fingers entwine into Daniel’s. Her eyes remained closed her head lowered. He saw her take a deep breath and her other hand relaxed against the table.

  “I need to go to the bathroom.” Angel didn’t make eye contact with either man as she stood and walked down the hall to her bathroom.

  “I could kill you for that.” Christian should have been prepared for his brother’s anger. “I know you have a sadistic streak at times, but that was downright evil. Did you see that reaction? Is that what you were looking to get? You fucking prick!”

  “I thought she might react, but I didn’t mean for that to happen.” Christian was regretful as he carved slices of the meat with the now razor-sharp knife. “I actually thought she’d just look a bit scared or tell me not to sharpen the knife in front of her. I should have known not to do it. I’m sorry. And I’m not an intentional prick.”

  Christian carried the knife to the kitchen and placed it on the bench, hoping that the fact it wasn’t on the table would make Angel feel more comfortable when she returned to them. He watched as Daniel walked down the hallway toward her room, returning a few minutes later with a stern look on his face.

  “Well, she’s throwing up. I could hear her from the bedroom door. So let’s just eat and then jump right into the discussion when she returns. It seems pointless to let her calm completely and then upset her all over again later tonight.”

  “Fair enough.” Christian sat back down and began to fill his plate with food before starting to eat. “This meat tastes exactly like our mums used t
o make. How do you suppose that can be? It’s exactly the same.”

  “Coincidence,” Daniel said glumly, “but it certainly is nice, not that you deserve to eat any.”

  “Yes, he does. He carved it.” Angel’s voice was a little quieter than normal, and Christian noticed it definitely lacked the brightness it had when they had both arrived home. She was pale and a little shaky as she rejoined them at the table. Daniel picked up her plate and began to pile it with food before Angel stopped him, stating she wasn’t very hungry because she felt a little unwell.

  “Angel, I’m so sorry, please forgive me. I assumed you were scared of knives after seeing the ones in the dungeon, I should have been more careful about using the knife in front of you.” Christian was aware that no words could effectively compensate for what he had done but he knew he had to try. “I am truly sorry for hurting you like that.”

  “I’m all right, Christian. You aren’t the reason I’m scared of knives, it’s not your fault. I just have a bad reaction sometimes.”

  “I’m still sorry, Angel.” The fact that she had tried to absolve him of blame confirmed in Christian’s mind that he really had behaved like a total bastard. Even if Angel forgave him, he might not forgive himself.

  “Try to eat something, even just a little bit,” Daniel stated before returning to his own meal. Angel stared at the plate and picked at a few beans and some potato. She stood, walked to the kitchen, boiled the kettle and returned with a large mug of peppermint tea.

  “What is that, and please tell me you aren’t calling it dinner?” Christian looked at her before placing his knife and fork down on the table. He felt guiltier that his actions had now caused her to miss out on the most delicious dinner they’d had all week.

  “Peppermint tea, I bought it today while I was out. It settles the stomach if you feel a bit sick. It’s good for lots of things, including nausea. I’m hoping it will settle my stomach enough to eat.”

  Angel sat sipping her tea with the fumes of the peppermint concoction easing her head, which had began to throb in pain. It was a normal part of her stress reaction, and she knew the headache would last for a few hours to come. As the liquid acted to calm the churning of her stomach, Angel knew she owed the men an explanation for what had happened. They were bound to be wondering and probably were too polite to ask her about it. Christian would certainly be wondering about her fear of knives now, especially since this was her second freak-out in front of him. She drew in a deep breath and began to speak.

  “I guess you’re both wondering why I don’t like knives, why they scare me. I know I probably overreacted. You know you were only sharpening the damn thing to carve a roast. So I’m sorry about reacting badly.”

  “I’m sorry I scared you, Angel. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you the way I did.” Christian gave her a sheepish smile before looking at her with loving concern. “We do both want to know why you are so afraid of knives though, particularly after the reaction you had tonight.”

  Angel drew in a deep breath and stared at her mug of tea.

  “My ex used to have knives for his work, and he would sharpen them at home. The sound of the blade against the steel used to make me feel scared. I haven’t heard anyone sharpen a knife since he went away.”

  “Angel, you need to start at the beginning. Otherwise it may not make sense to us. What did your ex do? Why did he need knives? And you can use his name. He isn’t just an ex. You said you spent years with him.” Daniel looked at her compassionately as he spoke.

  “Samuel, his name was Samuel Barnard. He needed knives for work because he was…I mean, he used to work for a family that was involved in lots of different stuff, but Samuel’s job was to scare people…and to kill people…Samuel needed knives to kill people. He had lots of other things as well, guns and all sorts of weapons. He was paid to get rid of people that the family needed gone.”

  Angel’s hands trembled around the mug as she spoke. She didn’t want to know what Christian and Daniel looked like as she spoke, didn’t want to see horror in their faces as she explained all this to them and definitely didn’t want to see their feelings for her change as she explained part of the horror she lived with.

  “He sharpened the knives at home sometimes. He’d make me watch him…mostly after he had hurt me with one.”

  “How did he hurt you, sweetheart?” Christian’s voice was soft and gentle to her ears.

  “He stabbed me, and I was scared of him and his knives ever since.”

  “Angel, look at me please.” Daniel’s voice was soft as she raised her head to look into his eyes. “I know this is hard for you, but you need to tell us everything. Why did he stab you?”

  “I was leaving him. He got angry. He found me at the train station, and he tried to kill me for leaving him. He stabbed me in the shoulder, and he tried to cut my throat.” Angel knew tears were running down her face, but she didn’t really feel them. She didn’t really feel anything at the moment. She was simply numb. “He only stopped because someone saw him and called the police. Otherwise I’d be dead. The police couldn’t help me. They tried, but he sent me a message and I had to go home so he didn’t hurt anyone else. So I went back there and stayed with him even though he hated me and never let me forget trying to run away.”

  Daniel felt sick as he listened to Angel describe her ordeal. She sat perfectly still as she spoke. Her face was void of emotion and even the tremble in her hands had stopped. Her voice was calm and soft, no wavers of emotion to indicate how hard this must be for her to talk about. The only sign of distress was the silent tears that streamed slowly down her face. It was eerily terrifying.

  “What was the message he sent you?” Christian finally asked.

  “‘I just saw your brother’s three children getting off the bus to go to school. I assume their throats will be easier to slash than yours. Come home today.’”

  Angel’s stare sent a chill down Daniel’s spine. Her eyes filled with pain as she continued.

  “So I did. I left the hospital that day. He used to do horrible things to me when I got home. He threatened everyone I had ever known just so I would always remember I wasn’t allowed to leave. He kept all my bank cards and any money that I had. I had to ask even if I wanted to buy milk or bread. I got home late one day. He’d allow me to go out to the shops, and they were really busy, so I didn’t get home by the time he had told me. I saw the bloody knife on the table when I walked into the house with the groceries…He had cut my dog’s throat. He said it was my fault for being late, that he thought I had run away again. I was never late home again after that.”

  Angel was silent for a long while. There was obviously more she wanted to say, needed to tell them. Daniel appreciated how difficult this was for her as he sat silently with Christian waiting for her to be ready to speak again. Angel moved uneasily in her chair and inhaled deeply.

  “Every time he made me have sex, it was always with a knife in his hand. He always ended up holding it to my throat to stop me from fighting him. I was so relieved when he left me. I thought everything would be so much better, and in some ways it is, but there are things I still need to sort out.” Angel fingered the ruby ring. “Lots of healing still to do.”

  “Why did he decide to leave, Angel? Where did he go?” Daniel wondered why she just didn’t admit he was dead. Why was it easier for her to say he had left her?

  “I don’t know why he left. I’m just glad he did. He can’t ever come back either. He hung himself and moved straight into hell, where he belongs.” She looked at Daniel and smiled. “He’s dead. And now everyone I have ever known or loved is safe. He can’t hurt any of them.”

  “And he can’t hurt you either, Angel. You’re safe as well,” Christian offered.

  Daniel was surprised at Angel’s reaction to Christian, who had reached across the table to take hold of her hand, only to have her pull away. She didn’t agree she was safe. She didn’t comment on what he had said. She just stared at Christian coldly. H
e wondered if she was angry with his brother, if she now thought of him as scary like Samuel because of seeing him with the knife. Daniel reached out to touch her arms, and she flinched away from him as well, like she had just been burned by something hot. Daniel stood to walk over and sit near her, but Angel jumped from her seat and backed away from the table as if Daniel might be going to hurt her.

  “Don’t.” Angel held out one hand defensively. “Please don’t touch me. It hurts.”

  “Neither of us wants to hurt you, Angel. We both just want to hold you and comfort you. We want to let you feel our love and let you know you’re safe.” Christian was now standing as well. Daniel saw concern written all over his face as he stared at Angel in disbelief. Christian seemed to believe, as Daniel did, that she would need comfort after telling them all that she had been through.

  “You aren’t hearing what I’m saying. Neither of you are. You can’t touch me because it hurts. You can’t touch an open wound without pain, and it hurts to be touched, so don’t touch me.” She continued to back away from them as she spoke.

  “Angel, I don’t understand what you’re saying. Please just come here and let one of us hold you?” Christian asked.

  Daniel’s heart ached for her. He stood seeing the pain flood her whole being as she spoke it only increased the need to comfort her, but she kept backing away.

  “I am an open wound, Christian. You just asked me to put my hand inside my heart and rip open a wound that’s been closed for three years. I don’t want you to touch me, or look at me, or be near me. It hurts. Please understand it hurts.” Angel was begging, pleading with both men as she backed herself into the corner of the dining cove. Daniel spoke to her gently, and he saw the tears begin to well in his brother’s eyes.