“It is slightly different when there is a chance of success or failure, when the risks are worth taking. In this instance, I know it isn’t a risk, it’s a certainty.”
“You don’t know that for sure,” Elizabeth insisted. “Michael we could have met and become engaged and I may have become ill, and you would have stood by me. Why would you think I would be any different?”
“I don’t,” Michael said, with a slight smile. “In fact, I’m sure you wouldn’t, but don’t you see that’s the point? I don’t want to put you through what I can only imagine my mother went through.”
“She must have been happy to some extent, or you wouldn’t have the happy memories of childhood.” Elizabeth countered.
“Yes, but she didn’t have the full life she should have had. I don’t want you to settle for second best Elizabeth. You are the most vibrant person I know, I will not be responsible for stifling that spirit.”
Elizabeth stood up, and walked over to where Michael was standing. She put her hands on his chest, for the second time that evening she was being forward. “Any time with you would be enough to make me happy for the rest of my life. I could die in childbirth, but I would take that risk to have whatever time I could with you, that is how much I want to be with you,” she said quietly.
Michael closed his eyes, almost in physical pain. He moved his hands to cover hers and for a moment he pressed them into his chest, as if he could force them through the material. He eventually looked at her, at the same time as removing her hands. “I could never inflict on my children the fear that I have about my future. If I agreed to being foolish and risking our future I could never agree to risk theirs, and if we were together, there would be children. I’m sorry Elizabeth, I can’t do it. I am selfish enough to want a full life and if I can’t have that, then half a life is not good enough.”
Tears sprang into Elizabeth’s eyes, not because he was refusing to be with her, but at the thought that she would never have his children. “I disagree with you, but I realise your mind is set and for me to try and beg for affection is something I will never do.”
Michael was reminded of how time and time again Elizabeth had been rejected and cursed his heritage. “Elizabeth, you may not believe the strength of my feelings, but maybe one day you will. All I can say is that from the bottom of my heart I wish that I could be the man you deserve, and give you the life that would make you truly happy. You are the only woman that could make me want to marry, but I realise that is little consolation. If you do not wish to see me again I will understand.”
Elizabeth looked at him; she did believe him, but was not ready to give up the fight quite yet. She would not continue tonight, his mind was made up, but she was sure with time she would think of a way to overcome his stubbornness. She had to take her time and think everything through. She understood his concerns and fears, but thought that he was placing too much conviction on the illness being passed down. For now she would respect that.
“I do want to see you again. I am offended that you would think me so fickle!” she said with mock anger.
“I do not believe you are fickle at all, but I could understand it if, after what I’ve said and done, you had had enough.” Michael said with a rueful smile.
“I think we’ve both had enough for tonight. I’m feeling tired and there is still plenty of work to do. Should I expect you early in the morning for a horse ride, before the real work starts?”
Michael took her hand and kissed it. “If you promise to eat well and not work too hard, I shall see you in the morning.” He smiled at her as he left the room, leaving Elizabeth to ponder over the evening’s events.
Chapter 22
Elizabeth awoke refreshed for the first time in a long time, yet knowing that she had a task to do, and that she would have to be patient. It had been during the early hours of the morning that her plan had come together, and she knew that in reality it was the only thing she could do. She dressed, looking forward to seeing Michael. Until she got the response she wished for, she could believe that hope was not completely lost.
Michael came into the morning room with Charles. “I thought Charles might be a useful addition if you wanted an extra pair of hands today.”
“I would never turn down an extra worker, and you are both very welcome. Would you like a cup of tea before we start?”
Michael sat next to Miss Fairfield and Charles sat next to Elizabeth, completing the circle on the small breakfast table. “I’m glad to see my ward is looking healthy this morning and what’s more, is eating.” Michael said to Miss Fairfield.
“Yes, my Lord, I am glad to see one person can influence my mistress.” came the smiling response.
Elizabeth spluttered and choked on her tea. “I am not a child; and am not your ward any more. I just didn’t eat because I didn’t have time.”
“Perhaps you need more help with extra staff?” Charles asked, with a pointed look at Miss Fairfield.
Elizabeth saw her loyal member of staff stiffen with indignation. Something had obviously occurred between Martha and Charles that a real dislike had developed, but she had to come to the defence of her faithful companion. “I wore myself out on the land, not the house. Martha is so efficient; I have nothing to do at all on the house.”
Charles looked disgruntled with her answer, but at least Miss Fairfield looked smug. Michael intervened before any other comments could be made. “If you want to put us both to work, can I suggest we have a shorter ride than was planned?”
The party was broken up, and Miss Fairfield left the group. Charles was asked to look over some papers by Elizabeth and settled into the library to work until the pair returned. Michael and Elizabeth set out for their ride. They both enjoyed the first burst of energy from the horses, before settling into a more sedate pace.
Elizabeth did not want to start talking about the previous night again, so raised the subject of their staff. “Why do Charles and Martha seem to dislike each other? Have you any ideas?”
Michael smiled. “I was wondering the same thing myself. I have no idea, but they do seem to want to cause each other discomfort, perhaps it is some sort of rivalry?”
“Maybe,” Elizabeth mused. “It is out of character for Martha though, she is usually so placid.”
“So is Charles, I can count on one hand the amount of times I have seen him annoyed. Two of them have been when he was dealing with Miss Fairfield. Apart from separating our squabbling staff, what shall we be doing today?”
Elizabeth told him of her plans and they returned to the house. She excused herself for ten minutes, explaining that she had an urgent letter to write and sat down in private at her desk. She got out her writing paper and began to write the letter that would hopefully offer some explanation.
Dear Violet,
I want to start this letter with an apology, I know that what I say must bring you some discomfort and I am sorry for it. I would never intentionally hurt you, but I hope you understand the reasons I am asking for your help.
Last night I did the most foolish thing I have ever done and ever will do, I declared my feelings for Michael, to Michael! Can you believe that? I think you have had a suspicion for some time of my feelings for your brother and I appreciate that you did not press me on the subject. Unfortunately his return into my life and a comment I had made to one of my staff led Michael to ask some uncomfortable questions. In order to be honest with him, I made a fool of myself and told him of my feelings.
I did not receive quite what I wanted, although Michael did convince me that he cares deeply about me. There is a problem though that is preventing Michael from acting on his emotions, now or in the future and this part is where I know it can only cause you pain. He has explained about the madness that your father suffered from and the effect it has had on him. He does not want to marry me or anyone, because of the risk of madness in his future. He particularly does not want children, which he said was because he did not want them growing up in fear of mad
ness, the way he had.
Violet, please believe me when I say that I would take the risk of being with Michael for one month, one year, any amount of time, because to me it would be worth it. I realise though that no matter what I say to try and convince him, I will not remove his fear.
Can you offer me any advice? Michael said he does not know what the illness was or what caused it. Do you have any idea? He said it was not spoken of, but I am hoping that with you being the elder, you may have overheard something that may offer some explanation. I am prepared to visit every doctor in the land if there is a solution, but I need more information.
Please write back as soon as you can, I am not sure how long Michael intends to stay, and once he is gone, I have the feeling he will not return for any reason.
Yours affectionately,
Elizabeth
Elizabeth sealed and addressed the letter and sought out Smithson, with strict instructions that the letter had to go immediately. She took a deep breath, there was nothing else she could do, Violet was her only hope. She had to concentrate on her estate until she received a response; she had to try and be patient.
*
During the following week Elizabeth had to force herself to carry out her work. She had not intended Michael coming back to Yorkshire; her fainting had not been contrived or planned in any way. The problem was though, once she was back in his company, she realised just how much she had missed him. Had it only been two weeks since she had last seen him? It had felt like years, but she could not allow herself to hope, only to enjoy his company. Every day she waited for a response from Violet, even though it was probably too soon. Michael still did not know that she had sent the letter. He would be angry if she told him, no matter what her reasoning was. He had never said how long he was going to stay, and she knew it would not be forever. She had to just hope that he would not leave her just yet, and trained herself to appreciate every moment she had with him.
She had only had a return of the dizziness once since his visit. It had happened on the second day and was probably just that she was not quite up to strength. It had happened during the evening and she had found herself once again in Michael’s arms and being carried to her bed chamber. Afterwards she had wished that he would do that because for reasons other than illness, or affliction, but she had also blushed at her shameless thoughts.
One afternoon in the second week of his visit, they were working in her study. Elizabeth could never fully concentrate on work while Michael was around. She had been able to do it the last time they were in Yorkshire together, but perhaps it was because once this visit came to an end, she truly did not know when she would see him next. He had made it perfectly clear that they would not be together as man and wife. In fact, he had been the perfect gentleman during his visit, which was frustrating her. She was not a woman without morals, but being the only two in the house for most of the day, made her long to be able to touch him. Unfortunately, he was keeping her at a distance, never putting himself in the position that they might even brush each other by accident.
Although she did not want to hear about him being with other women, she decided to ask him about his life in London since she had left. “What exciting parties have you been attending since my return to Yorkshire?” She asked and was surprised when he flushed a little.
“I’ve been concentrating on business.” Michael muttered, not wanting Elizabeth to probe.
“What, all the time? There must have been some amusements that you attended, the number of invitations that Violet received every day used to terrify me.” Elizabeth persisted.
“Not really.” Michael said with a shrug.
Elizabeth looked at him with suspicion. “You mean to tell me you haven’t been out in Society at all?” She asked with disbelief.
“Why do you want to know?” Michael demanded, becoming slightly defensive at the probing. “Are my social engagements so important?”
“I didn’t really, I was just making conversation. Your response has been such that I am now filled with curiosity and am desperate to know more. Is there a woman involved?” She teased, not really believing that there was. It was not that she was confident of his attachment to her, but if he would not risk a relationship with her, surely he would not encourage anyone else? That was her hope anyway.
Michael put down his fountain pen and leaned back in his chair. “You are enjoying my torment aren’t you?”
“A little,” came the quick response. “But you still haven’t answered my question.”
Michael looked at her across the desk. She still looked pale and too thin, but her eyes held more of her usual sparkle. A pity it was at his expense, he thought to himself. He decided to give her some of her own medicine. “I’ve been preoccupied.” he said.
“What with?” Elizabeth asked.
“Fine, there is a woman involved.” he said shrugging in defeat.
Elizabeth paled slightly, but tried to maintain her smile, although it didn’t quite meet her eyes. “Do I know her?” She asked quietly.
Michael stood and quickly moved around the desk at the change in Elizabeth’s colour. “Elizabeth, I’m sorry, it was a joke. A bad one, but a joke.”
“You are entitled to chase as many women as you wish. It is my foolish jealousy that’s all, ignore me.” she said quietly.
Michael shook his head at his bad taste. “I haven’t been chasing anyone.”
“There isn’t a woman?” Elizabeth asked in confusion.
“Oh yes there is,” Michael groaned, reaching the side of her chair and touching her hand. “I didn’t want to say what I’ve been doing, because it would make me look like a love sick puppy. I’ve not been out in society because the woman who is the light of my life took herself off to Yorkshire and abandoned me.”
Elizabeth looked at him, a small smile on her lips. “If I ever thought that there was any chance that you wanted me to stay I would have done without a second’s hesitation.”
“What, and abandon your estate?” Michael asked disbelievingly.
“Yes, without a backwards glance!” Elizabeth responded seriously.
Michael let the words sink in, but tried to keep the mood light. “You mean you would stop wearing breeches?”
“I would burn them in front of you.” she replied with a smile.
“You would go out into society every night?” Michael asked, suddenly feeling a little overawed at Elizabeth’s words.
“With you by my side, I would visit every card party, and ball in the neighbourhood.” Elizabeth responded.
Michael threw his head back and laughed. “Now I know you are lying, you would stick pins in your eyes before attending card parties every night.”
Elizabeth smiled, “So that was a little far, but I meant all the rest.”
Michael pulled her to her feet. “What am I going to do with you?”
“Kiss me?” Elizabeth suggested.
Michael groaned again. “Elizabeth, you know we shouldn’t. It is leading you to believe that something will happen between us and it can’t.”
Elizabeth sighed. “I know that you won’t let anything happen between us, but that doesn’t stop my feelings, or the need to feel close to you. I will not demand anything more of you than you are happy to give.”
Michael pulled her into his arms. “Why is it you always say the words that tempt me the most? You are very wicked.”
Elizabeth smiled at him; she was wrapped against his chest, the place where she felt the most comfortable. Nothing else mattered, she would take what little he could give her, and she would not demand more. “I think I need to be punished.”
“So do I,” Michael whispered, leaning in to kiss her. It had almost killed him to keep away from her for over a week. He had returned to the inn every night almost fit to explode with built-up frustration at being so close to her, but not being able to touch. Having no one around other than Charles and Miss Fairfield did not help ease his restraint. He needed at least a dozen chap
erones before he would have not wanted to grab her at every opportunity.
Her reaction to the thought that he may have been chasing another woman had pleased him, but also made him feel like a cad. He never wanted to hurt her. Her words had made him feel humble that she would give up what meant so much to her in order to be with him. He could no longer resist her.
His mouth brushed hers, gently, enjoying the intake of breath his touch caused. He tried to be restrained, but the frustration he had been feeling was hard to contain. Elizabeth slipped her arms around his neck and immediately his restraint was lost. He pulled her close and deepened the kiss, exploring her mouth, causing her to moan and lean into him. She grabbed onto his hair, which increased his excitement, he could not have pulled away if his life had depended on it. She equalled him on every level, intellect, spirit and passion and he never wanted to let her go. He would allow the future to creep back later, for now he wanted to enjoy her.
Elizabeth felt Michael’s every doubt ease away as his passion increased. She revelled in the realisation that she could have that effect on him, no matter how temporary. That was the last coherent thought she had before feelings took over. His mouth and hands made it impossible to think, just to respond. She pulled him hard onto her lips, pulling at his thick, wavy hair. When that wasn’t enough, she slid her hands under his frock coat, encouraged by his appreciative groan and manoeuvred her hands under his waistcoat. She wanted to feel his skin, but stopped herself from pulling out his shirt. She could feel his muscles tense as her hands moved across his back and the pleasure it gave her, almost made her lightheaded.
Michael had to content himself with feeling Elizabeth’s body over her outer clothing. He was not lost enough to know that any member of staff could walk in and he was not prepared to compromise her in such a way. They were not in the top field this time. Although the lack of contact with her skin was missed, the gentle moaning sounds she made more than made up for any restriction. He wanted the moment never to end, he wanted more.
They were interrupted when the door opened and they heard a gasp. Elizabeth tried to move away from Michael, but he held her close and they both turned to look who had entered. They were faced with the shocked, but smiling faces of Edward and Violet.
An Inconvenient Trilogy - Three Regency Romances: Inconvenient Ward, Wife, Companion - all published separately on Kindle and paperback Page 19
