“I had no idea he would respond in such a way, but I should have known that he was at the point where he just didn’t care anymore,” Elizabeth said. “The sight of you falling out of the carriage I will never forget for as long as I live. I had thought that every eventuality had been discussed between myself and Michael, but we hadn’t thought that anyone with me would be put in such danger. We had wanted to prevent anyone else getting hurt.”
Charlotte thought for a few moments before she spoke. “I had hoped that by hearing the story, it might help, but my memory seems to be stubborn,” she started with a small smile. “With regards to your involvement, please don’t let it worry you, you acted in such a way to try to save me. Neither of us could have known what he was going to do. It wasn’t your fault.”
“You are generous,” Elizabeth said. “I just did not want us to become friends for a second time without you knowing the truth.”
“What happened to George?” Charlotte asked.
“I shot him,” Elizabeth said quietly.
Charlotte started to laugh, “Oh my goodness! Don’t ever let me get on the wrong side of you!” she said with a giggle.
Her words lightened the mood and Elizabeth left the farmhouse feeling as a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Charlotte could forgive her, which would go some way to enable her to start forgiving herself.
*
Eventually after some weeks, Charlotte began to look more like her old self, Elizabeth made a proposition. “You are stronger than when we first started to visit, why don’t you return to Dunham House and continue your stay with us?” she asked.
“But I don’t remember my stay,” Charlotte responded.
“I know, but perhaps if you return to familiar surroundings, it may help you to remember,” Elizabeth suggested. “After all, you have only known this farm since your accident.”
Mrs Hurst agreed wholeheartedly with the scheme. She was fond of her young guest, but realised that she would be more comfortable in a larger house with what she considered to be her own people.
All was arranged and Elizabeth and Miss Fairfield accompanied Charlotte on her return to Dunham House. Charlotte spent her time looking out of the window, trying to distinguish something in the countryside that would seem familiar.
“Don’t push too hard,” Elizabeth said soothingly. She could see the impatience on her friend’s face.
“It is so maddening to know that those around me will have memories which I won’t!” Charlotte said.
“Are you still having the dreams?” Elizabeth asked. They had not been mentioned since that first visit.
“Yes,” Charlotte replied. “They are feelings more than images. I feel safe when I can see a figure, but I have no idea who it is. Then I feel sadness, as if there is no hope, but about what I have no idea. There are horses and a carriage and I’m afraid, but I expect that I am remembering the accident. It is very confusing,” she explained with a shrug.
Elizabeth wondered if the figure was Stephen, but she could not say anything to Charlotte. It was not her place to interfere. She had told Stephen that he was welcome to stay as long as he wished, but once he had seen Charlotte, she was not sure if he would stay in the area. She did not know if he would be able to tolerate the torture of seeing Charlotte as a stranger.
Charlotte joined the family after lunch. She had been tired from the journey and had rested before meeting the rest of the party. She felt a little overwhelmed on entering the drawing room, but was greeted with smiles from the assembled group. There was one gentleman who did not smile, but watched her intently as she approached Elizabeth.
“Do you feel rested?” Elizabeth asked, indicating that Charlotte should join her on the sofa.
“Yes thank you,” Charlotte replied with a smile.
Elizabeth introduced Charlotte to everyone. She was hoping for some sort of recognition, but could detect none from her friend. She felt real sadness for Stephen as she saw the way he looked at Charlotte, as if he had been starved for months and she was the solution to his hunger.
Stephen could not have taken his eyes off Charlotte if he had tried. She looked paler and thinner than before, more demure than his tiger, but she was still beautiful. She was still his Charlotte, although the irony was not lost on him. She was less his now than she had ever been; she had no memory that he could tease her with. Only his memory held the kisses they had shared.
As soon as he could he left the gathering. Charlotte was not really taking part in the conversation, but she was listening intently to everything that was being said, obviously hoping that something would help. He could not bear to be in her company with the difference in her. He missed seeing the way she had looked at him, the way he had been able to make her blush.
Charlotte had noticed Stephen leaving and for some reason had felt the urge to follow him. She could not explain why. As soon as she could she left the gathering, hoping to find Stephen and try to find out why she felt drawn to him.
She met him at the bottom of the stairs; it was obvious he was going out riding.
“Are you leaving the gathering Lord Halkyn?” she asked, not really knowing what to say.
“Yes. The social niceties bore me,” Halkyn said in his usual bored tone. It had made him wince when she had used his formal title.
Charlotte frowned at his response, but he did not think that he had offended her, she was obviously thinking deeply. “No, you don’t like society much unless it is on your terms do you?” she said hesitantly.
Stephen’s heart skipped a beat, was she remembering? “Tell me more,” he said quietly.
Charlotte continued to frown. “I’m sorry my Lord, it was a fleeting moment, more a sense of something than a true recollection.”
“It is unimportant,” Stephen responded coolly. “If you will excuse me Miss Webster, I have many miles to cover.”
“Are you leaving?” Charlotte asked. His words had caused her heart rate to increase. For some reason that she could not explain, she did not want him to go.
“No, fool that I am, I am not leaving,” Stephen said with derision at his weakness, at being unable to leave the person that was causing him pain to be in the same company with. “I need a long ride that is all.”
“Forgive my delaying you,” Charlotte curtsied and moved to one side to let him pass.
“You are forgiven, tiger,” Stephen said and without a backward glance he left the hallway.
Charlotte stood frozen to the spot, frowning at the empty space that Lord Halkyn had filled. It was many moments before she shook herself and returned to the drawing room. She was distracted all afternoon, but was left to mull over her thoughts, as everyone hoped her distraction was a sign that she was remembering.
Chapter 21
Stephen avoided Charlotte as much as he could over the following few days. He cursed the fact that he was making himself miserable by staying, but he kept negotiating with himself as to how long he should remain. It had initially been until Charlotte was settled, then it was until her colour returned. He knew that once that happened, there would be another reason he could not go. He could not leave her, yet he could not bear to be near her either.
He ignored the puzzled looks he received from Michael and Elizabeth, but he could not change his actions. Seeing her look at him as if he was a stranger twisted his insides as much as if he had been stabbed. When she spoke to him so formally, he wanted to shake her until she remembered, so he avoided her.
Charlotte knew Lord Halkyn was not happy in her company, and it puzzled her. The move to Dunham House was working in some respects, it was feeling more familiar and some things were coming back to her. Very often it was just feelings, or a fleeting remembrance of something, but she felt sure that what she was remembering were true memories, which made his behaviour all the more confusing.
She walked the grounds every morning, trying to put the things she felt in some sort of order. At times she did feel as if she was trying to process too muc
h information, but somehow it was important that she did not just let memories come back naturally.
One morning she walked through the rose garden deep in thought. She did not notice Stephen was walking towards her as he was obscured by a hedge of roses. She turned and let out a little cry, startled at his sudden appearance.
“I did not mean to frighten you,” Stephen apologised. He had not known she was there, or else he would have walked in the opposite direction. He did not like to put himself under her scrutiny.
“You do not frighten me my Lord,” Charlotte responded. “I was startled out of my thoughts, that’s all.”
“You are probably the only schoolroom miss who isn’t frightened of me,” Stephen responded coldly.
“I’m no longer a schoolroom miss and apparently haven’t been for some time. Although I can’t remember it happening, I’ve been told that while I have been staying at Dunham House, I celebrated my eighteenth birthday,” Charlotte responded tartly, but then she calmed down. “I’ve never been frightened of you. I have always felt safe with you, haven’t I?”
Stephen paused before answering. At first he thought she may be remembering something, but he came to the conclusion that she was purely fishing for clues and her memory was not returning. He decided that he was not going to indulge her. “Have you? I can’t understand why.”
“Because you protected me,” Charlotte said with a frown. “I just can’t remember why.”
“Oh well, never mind, I’m sure it wasn’t important,” Stephen said with disdain. “If you will excuse me, Miss Webster, as much as your company is delightful, I must continue my walk.”
Stephen turned and moved away from Charlotte. She was not aware of it, and would never be unless she eventually remembered the circumstances, but she would have the unlooked for privilege of being the only person who he had ever protected now and in the future. He would certainly reject any similar situations, it had caused him nothing but heartache, which grieved and annoyed him, especially since he could not put it all behind him and walk away.
Charlotte looked at his retreating back with a frown. Something was not right. This was not how they were with each other. She could not quite grasp the memory and she almost screamed with frustration. She stomped after Stephen, determined that he would not speak to her in such a way, she knew he had not done so in the past.
Charlotte caught up with Stephen by picking up the hem of her dress and running. It was not a dignified way to conduct herself, let alone that she was seeking out a man, but she was determined to speak to him. Stephen had heard her approach, she was sure of it, but he did not stop. Charlotte reached out and grabbed his arm, later she would be mortified about her forward behaviour, but for now she just reacted.
“Yes Miss Webster?” Stephen said, in a bored tone, finally admitting defeat and halting.
Charlotte was a little breathless and gasped to catch her breath. “Why are you doing this?” she asked.
“Doing what?” came the bored response. Stephen was a master at making people uncomfortable if he chose and for some reason he could not help himself with Charlotte.
Charlotte glowered at him. “This is not you!” she snapped. “You have never spoken to me in the way you do since I have returned.”
“Has your memory returned Miss Webster?” Stephen asked with a raised eyebrow.
“No,” Charlotte said honestly. “I just know that this wasn’t how we spoke in the past. Why are you being so unreasonable now?”
“Because I don’t know how else to be around you,” Stephen said the words before he could stop himself. The look of pain on his face went a long way to confirm the truth of his speech.
“Please be as you were previously,” Charlotte said gently.
“I cannot!” Stephen said with derision, quickly getting himself under control.
“I don’t understand why,” Charlotte said, almost pleading for some information.
“I suggest you ask Elizabeth, she is always keen to talk,” Stephen said harshly. “Now if you will excuse me once more.” He bowed his head slightly and started to walk away.
Charlotte spoke without thinking. “I miss you Stephen. I have missed you from the day you left me in the hallway and returned to London.”
Stephen swung around and faced her. “What did you say?” he asked quietly.
Charlotte was frowning, “I don’t know where that came from, but I remembered something. Your given name is Stephen; I called you by your given name!”
“Anyone could have told you that,” Stephen said dismissively. “What did you mean by the rest of it?”
Charlotte tried to explain, “I get feelings and the occasional image. It is hard to make it all clear, but I just had a moment then. I was in the hallway and you were leaving me. Why were you leaving me?” she asked.
“Because it was the best thing to do for the both of us,” Stephen replied. He had been filled with hope when she had said his name, but then a sickening realisation had struck. If she started to remember, she would remember refusing his marriage proposal and they would be no better off. He had been a fool. He needed to leave. “It looks as if your memory will come back after all. I am happy for you Miss Webster.” He turned and walked away.
This time Charlotte did not try to stop him. Instead she watched his retreating back with a small smile in her face. Her memory was finally returning.
*
Stephen almost walked into Michael in the hallway, when he entered the house.
“Halkyn?” Michael said at the troubled expression on Stephen’s face.
“I shall return to London later today,” Stephen said shortly, not appreciating being brought out of his reverie.
“Would you join me in the study for a moment?” Michael asked, not waiting for an answer, but leading the way out of earshot of the footmen on duty.
Stephen groaned, but followed. “What’s wrong Dunham, afraid you will miss me?” he said sarcastically.
“I’m just wondering why the sudden change of heart,” Michael said ignoring Stephen’s tone.
“I am tired of the country,” Stephen lied.
“What has happened with Charlotte to make you want to leave?” Michael asked patiently. He knew he had been as annoying when he was in denial about his feelings for Elizabeth, so he could not criticise the man in front of him who was so obviously suffering.
“Why does it have to have anything to do with Charlotte?” Stephen responded.
“Because I see the way you look at her, as if the fact that she does not remember you causes you acute pain,” Michael replied truthfully.
Stephen sighed, “Her memory appears to be returning.”
“And that is a bad thing?” Michael asked in confusion. He would have expected Stephen to be desperate for Charlotte to return to her old self.
“Her memory is returning, so she will remember what delights your darling wife told her about me, she will also remember refusing my offer for her. It suddenly struck me that it would be best if I left now,” Stephen responded with a shrug. “I’m not prepared to watch her withdraw from me a second time.”
Michael thought for a few moments. Halkyn was not the most noble of men, but since Charlotte had come into their lives he had seen a change in his acquaintance. He was convinced that Halkyn was in love with Charlotte and he had also seen what a good effect she had had on him. He had wondered if there was hope for Stephen after all, her affection softening his bitterness.
“Convince her that her memories are wrong,” he finally said.
“What?” Stephen asked wondering if his host had lost his mind.
“Convince her that you are worth more than the rumours and tittle-tattle say. Woo her,” Michael said with a shrug.
“I’ve never chased anyone in my life!” Stephen snorted.
“I would wager that you have never looked at anyone as you look at Charlotte, or had your sides turned inside out when you think about leaving her, either,” Michael said calmly.
Stephen flopped into a chair. “Dammit, I must be getting soft in my old age; am I so transparent?” he asked, running his hand through his hair in frustration.
Michael laughed, “Unfortunately I think I recognise the signs because it wasn’t too long ago that I was in a similar situation. Different reasons, but the same outcome.”
“Curse women. I have fought this since I reached maturity,” Stephen muttered.
“Why fight it? Isn’t she worth it?” Michael asked surprised.
Stephen looked at the man before him. Dunham had been an acquaintance and then a rival of sorts, but Stephen had never expected for him to become the friend and confidante he appeared to be now.
“She is worth ten of me and it is only when I forget myself that I imagine a life with her. When I am being truthful with myself I do acknowledge that she would be better off without me,” he said quietly.
“She could do a lot worse than you,” Michael responded truthfully.
Stephen laughed, “Yes, I could offer her money and a title, but what if I got sick of her, Dunham? What if I broke her heart?” he asked seriously.
“The fact that you are asking those questions probably means that you wouldn’t,” Michael responded reasonably.
“Probably isn’t good enough,” Stephen said, standing. He needed to get away.
“Don’t leave today, think about it for a day or two, and then make a decision. Give yourself the chance to think before dashing off, you could regret it for a long time,” Michael said.
“Your children will hate you,” Stephen responded with a grimace.
“What on earth has this to do with any future children I may have?” Michael asked in confusion.
“Reasoned arguments are a dead bore. You will bore them senseless. At least they will be able to turn to me to bring some excitement into their lives and allow them to be devils,” Stephen drawled. “I will give your advice some thought, although the fact that it looks like rain may have more to do with my decision than your persuasion.”
An Inconvenient Trilogy - Three Regency Romances: Inconvenient Ward, Wife, Companion - all published separately on Kindle and paperback Page 37
