by Jan Irving
“Twenty. I guess you gave him a job?”
“Yep.” Kyle continued to focus on his pie.
“Whats he like?”
“Hes”— the wind through your hair when you’re galloping, clean cotton on the line, clover on the roadside. Kyle rubbed his growing beard—“all right. Hes serious about wanting to take good care of David.”
“Hes lucky to have you.”
“Ummm.”
“So, my place?”
Kyle took a deep breath. He couldnt be with Jesse. He couldnt. It was best he stuck to someone his own age. He nodded.
* * *
It was when Darren was kissing him while pushing his shirt off his shoulders that Kyle knew he was in trouble.
Darrens apartment was nice, done with a mixture of the English antiques hed inherited from his mother. Warm walnut woods and tufted ottomans and a zebraskin rug that blended well with some of the country decor found locally, like the hand-carved wood bowls and colorful woven rugs. Kyle had always liked it, liked the bubble baths he sometimes took with Darren after theyd made love.
But tonight he was tense, remembering Jesses farewell, the frustration in his blue eyes. He was a possessive man, like Mac had been. When Kyle had been with Mac, Mac had touched him frequently. Nothing too overt, but just something that said Kyle was his.
“Thinking of me on your date? Not a good sign, Kyle.”
“Jess, get out of my head!”
“You thought of me first.”
“Kyle?” Kyle flushed, getting the impression Darren had spoken his name more than once. “Im sorry. Im a little distracted tonight.” “Did you lose another hand at the ranch?” Darren was nibbling on the back of Kyles neck, just the way Kyle had showed him he liked, and Kyle shivered in response. And yet for a moment he almost felt as if it were Jesse behind him. Jesses arms around him, his hands cupping Kyles chest so he could rub his nipples, his lips teasing Kyles skin.
“No, nothing like that.” Kyle counted from one to ten over and over again, trying to keep Jesse out of his thoughts as Darrens hand reached down and cupped his length through his jeans.
“Hmmm. Distracted is right. You need a little work.” Darren moved around him and fell to his knees. Kyle again experienced that disorienting sensation, as if they werent alone, as if Jesse was watching them together.
“No!” Kyle stepped away, chest rising and falling rapidly.
“Kyle, what the hell…?”
Kyle wanted to pull his hair. “Jesse, don’t ruin this for me.” “I told you, Im no
good to you right now.”
“Well see about that,” Darren said, reaching to tug Kyle closer by his lean hips. Kyle suddenly was aware hed lost even more weight, working so much and sleeping fitfully in reaction to the dreams. Food was like sawdust. All he could taste was Jesse.
While Kyle was distracted by this realization, by how much his body had changed just in the months since the last time hed been here, Darren had his jeans undone, and hed also pulled down Kyles simple white briefs.
Kyle closed his eyes, trying to lose himself in their moment. Darren was a sensitive lover, but a picture popped into Kyles head of Jesse on his knees as Darren was. Jesse teasing him with breath and lips. Jesses mouth on him.
Oh, God!
“Darren, I dont think I can!” Kyle groaned.
“What do you mean, cowboy?” Darrens voice was caressing, amused now.
“Youre hard as a rock. Mmmm.”
“Hell!”
Darren swallowed him, tugging strongly the way Kyle liked, and he couldnt
pull away. He needed… Jesse had him all worked up. Then, as it had been when hed shared a dream with Jesse, he felt Jesses arms around him, could almost catch his scent, feel the rasp of his beard against his neck. Somehow Jesse was here with him while Darren serviced him. “No, Jess,” he moaned.
“It’s not him you want; it’s me.”
“Jesse, have you no sense of boundaries? This is not about you. Go away.” Jesses husky laughter came across their link. “Of course it’s about me, Kyle, if
you’d only admit it. I don’t want him touching you, touching what’s mine, but at the same time it’s kind of hot watching another man suck you. And you’re getting off on it, on me watching.”
“No,” Kyle groaned again. His balls tightened, and his lower back had that heavy sensation he experienced when he was close. He was going to come, and this time he wouldnt be coming alone, in a darkened bedroom, in a dream. This time he was coming while Jesse somehow watched him.
“Are you going to let him inside you, Kyle? I caught a flash of you on his bed, your legs around his hips, him pounding into you while you begged him to fuck you—”
Kyle shoved Jesse out of his head. Shoved him, and a second later it was just him and Darren, but he was so excited, excited from Jesses voice, from the ghost of Jesses touch that when Darren took him deeper, he grabbed his head and ran his fingers through the other mans hair as he shot deep and long, coming so good, so fucking good, and it was like a part of Jesse was stroking a feather down his spine, urging him on.
* * *
After returning the favor in spades to Darren, Kyle stood at the window of Darrens bedroom, staring out at the covered atrium and pool below that were attached to Darrens complex. Darren had a nice view. Kyle had passed a few nights watching the moon traverse the sky, the neighborhood cats pass as dark shadows below.
He couldnt sleep. He leaned against the window, feeling cool glass against damp skin and knowing his life was changing again the way it had when hed lost Mac. He didnt want to care about anyone that way again.
Chapter Five
“Just how much cologne does one man need?” “Jesse, I told you last night to butt out. Goddamn it, this is nothing to do with you.” Kyle gripped the counter in Darrens black-marble-and-walnut-appointed bathroom. He stared at his reflection, seeing tired eyes and tanned skin. Once, hed tried a mustache, and Mac had teased him about it. It had grown in red. Hed liked the feel of it, and Mac sure had enjoyed it against his skin, but it had to go.
It felt much the same with Jesse this morning. But yeah, Darren did have a lot of cologne. Hell, the sake hed had a sip of last night had come in a cube-shaped bottle from Tokyo that looked like fine cologne, including all the kanji characters written on the tag.
“He’s not the right man for you.”
“He would be if you’d just—”
“So I’m the problem? What does that say about you and him, Kyle?” Facing the mirror, his gaze on the white flags in his hair and the lines around
his mouth, Kyle answered aloud, “Nothing good.” The bathroom door opened, and Darren walked in wearing a paisley silk bathrobe. He was a contrast to Kyle, who only wore the plain briefs he kept in his truck in case he spent the night at Darrens place.
Kyle turned, and Darren ran his green eyes over him. “Youre so sexy. Muscled, tall, bronzed from all that outdoor work. And a good man.” Kyle shook his head, his throat tight. “No, Darren, not so good. This thing with you and me—I should have done something about it a long time ago.”
Darren blinked. “Done something…?”
“Let you move in.”
Darrens gaze lit with a gentle brand of amusement. “Sorry, cowboy, but I leave my condo and gas stove for no man.”
“Oh.” Somehow it was a relief. He hadnt kept Darren from a life he wanted. But still, Kyle had to be fair. He couldnt be with Jesse, but it wasnt working out anymore with Darren. The last thing he wanted was to hurt him. He couldnt be with Darren if he was thinking of someone else.
“Its Jesse, isnt it?” Darren said, his face sobering. “I had a feeling whenever you said his name.”
“Hes too young for me.” Kyle swung back to face the mirror, examining his face, seeing a man of forty-four.
“Kyle, thats nonsense. Youre a beautiful man.” Darren wrapped his arms around Kyle, and Kyle covered his hand with his. “Ill miss you, but Ive been considering seein
g someone else for a while.” Darren swallowed, and Kyle knew this wasnt easy for him. “Perhaps its time to explore other avenues.”
Kyle lifted Darrens hand and kissed it. “Thanks for saving my life,” he said sincerely.
* * *
Kyle didnt find anyone in the kitchen that morning when he returned to the house. He knocked on Davids door to check and make sure hed had breakfast, but the teens bed was made and the room empty. Jesses room was down the hall from his own. Kyles heart thudded as he hesitated outside Jesses door before he forced himself to move past it.
In the barn, he went to check on two of his Percherons, Sally and Hall, who were being groomed for their day of circuits with tourists in Pigeon. Hall was a favorite, one of the largest and most intelligent beasts of his herd. The horse had been featured every year in the Fall Festival carriage ride and brought back blue ribbons as the best in the state. Kyle rubbed Halls head affectionately. Yeah, hed be entering him again this year. It was thanks to this horse that his business had done so well.
“Hes beautiful,” Jesse said. “Mac was right that hed turn out to be a real champion.” Kyle nodded. Hall had been Macs favorite as a colt. Mac had possessed a good eye.
Kyle looked over at Jesse, who was finishing mucking out a stall, bare-chested, wearing an old cowboy hat of Macs that looked like it had been softened by water and time. Kyle swallowed tightly as he took in the low-slung jeans, the sweaty, bare skin before making himself look away. “Have you seen Davy this morning?” he asked. “His bed was made, but there was no sign of him.”
“He texted me he was going to spend some time with a friend waterskiing today.”
“Oh, thats all right, then.”
“What?” Jesse snapped, his expression like a dark prairie storm as he closed the empty stall door and folded his muscular arms.
Kyle raised his brows.
“You think I dont look after him?”
“No, thats not what I meant. You dont have to be defensive about him with me, Jess. I know youve been taking care of him for a while. Its just…new, having you both here. I like it, and Im hoping hes finding it easy to adjust to being back here.”
Jesse reached for a water bottle, guzzling some before he spilled the rest over his head—and the golden skin of his chest with a few threads of brown hair in the center. “Okay.” Blue flame eyes snapped open and glared at Kyle. “Just so you know, Im in a crappy mood.”
“No, really?”
Jesse huffed out a breath, picking up his white T-shirt to dry his face. “Yeah, and sorry, boss.”
“Its good you remember.”
“It pissed me off, you being with him.”
“Jesse, Im a grown man with attachments.”
“I felt you with him.”
“You should have stayed out of my head!”
Jesses head dropped. “I know.”
Kyle fought the impulse to reach out, touch Jesses shoulder. He wasnt sure if he wanted to comfort him, which was inappropriate—or kiss and bite his bare skin, which was even worse. “Its over with me and Darren,” he admitted.
Jesse stared at him, chest heaving. The moment drew out, counted by the thump of Kyles heart. He licked his lips and saw Jesses blue gaze drop to his mouth.
His voice came out husky. “Are you ready to check on those downed fences?”
Jesse nodded.
“Come on, then. Well do it together.”
* * *
Kyle wasnt entirely sure what made him decide to take the ranch truck out with Jesse that morning. Lack of sleep? Oxygen deprivation due to watching him without his shirt? At least Jessed put that back on before they got in the truck, but not before Kyle had an image pop into his head of his hands digging into Jesses long, silky back, of his nails grazing the skin and leaving scratch marks behind.
“Wow,” Jesse breathed as they drove over another streambed from the foothills and kept on driving, a dust plume rising behind them. The sky was roiling with turbulent clouds, so sometime this afternoon Kyle figured theyd have a real gully washer. But before then he hoped to repair that line of fencing in the north pasture.
“It is wow. I love this ranch,” Kyle said. “Sounds like you were all over. I bet you saw some amazing country.” Jesses eyes looked like light blue glass in the dim light of the truck as he studied Kyles face. “Ive been to some interesting places. I didnt like the logging much, but the fishing was okay—except for the smell.”
“Ummm.” Kyle studied Jesse. “I wish you hadnt had to go away at all.” As he was remembering that horrible day, Jesses gaze fell. “Yeah,” he rasped. “And a gay massage place. Lets not forget that.”
“Not like Id let you,” Jesse teased. “One night I might sneak into your room and give you a full-body massage.” Kyle brought the truck to a halt, his hands clenching on the wheel until he forced them to relax. Full-body massage, whoa. He wondered just what that would entail. He felt Jesses pull, like he was in orbit around Jupiter or something. “Hell, I want you so much.”
Jesse was across the space between them in a hot second, eyes blazing. Kyle pushed him back at the last moment, before their lips could collide. Oh Jesus!
“Will you just hang on there!” he choked.
“What the hell for? You said—”
“I know what I said, but youre so goddamned impetuous you didnt let me
finish.”
“Ill let you finish, all right.” Jesse hung on Kyles arms. Kyle could feel him,
hard and long and impatient as hell, pressing against his leg through the denim of their jeans. His body had stiffened just as fast. If Jesse so much as blew a breath
against him, hed go off like a rocket.
“We need to talk.” Kyle pushed Jesse away and managed to free his seat belt
with shaking hands before opening the door of his truck and stumbling out. The grass around them seethed with a low, chill wind. The sky above was
charcoal clouds. Jesse strode around the vehicle and into Kyles space, putting his
hands on his hips, facing off with him.
“You want me, so whats to talk about?”
“Jess…”
“Oh fuck, Kyle, Ive wanted you for years. Dont you get it?”
The admission hit Kyle like a two-by-four to the chest.
“You were just a kid.”
“I knew what I wanted.” Jesse swallowed, his gaze full of yearning and
remembered pain. “Id never have touched you if hed lived. You were his.” “I know you wouldnt have,” Kyle said, unable this time to resist reaching out.
He cupped Jesses cheek for the first time, and Jesse rubbed his face against his
touch, the rasp of whiskers against his fingers. It was sexy as hell, like Jesse was a
big feline predator who only lowered his head for Kyle. “Youre an honorable man,
Jesse. That hasnt changed since you were a kid. And Im damned proud of the way
you looked after David.”
Now tears shone in the blue eyes, and Jesse swallowed. “Thanks, Kyle.” “Im only saying what Mac would have.”
“Damn…” Jesse crushed him close, and Kyle didnt try to push him away. He
felt encompassed and smelled the faint musk from Jesses work in the barn. He ran
a hand over Jesses arm, enjoying the wiry strength.
“But, Jess, I need you to understand something.”
“Okay.” Now there was vulnerability. Kyle saw it in his eyes. This tough young
stranger whod driven up on a Harley not so long ago could be brought to this
vulnerability only by him and David.
“I didnt break up with Darren because of you.”
Lightning flashed in Jesses eyes. “I hated you with him.”
“Like I told you last night; its not all about you, young man,” Kyle said. Jesse
was so much a man, but in this he had to see it how it was. “I did it because it was
the right thing to do, because it was th
e only thing fair to Darren.”
Kyle watched Jesse work that out, watched the connection he made. “Youre
still worried about David…and us.”
Kyle nodded. “Got it in one. And there is no us.”
“There will always be us,” Jesse contradicted. “Were meant to be together.” He
wedded his fingers firmly through Kyles so they were palm to palm, standing close
together so their chests touched and their erections rubbed. It was primal man with
man.
“Im too—” “Dont you say youre too old for me any more! Im fucking sick of hearing it.”
Jesses free hand was in Kyles scalp, deliberately in the stripe of white that speared
through his dark brown hair. “Do you know how sexy I find this? I sometimes
wonder if Ill find a little salt-and-pepper anywhere else.” Jesse lifted his brows, and
Kyle burst into shocked laughter.
“You mean in my armpits, Im sure.”
“Oh yeah.” Jesse was smiling back. “I listened to you once—you and Mac—
when you were…you know.”
“What?” Kyle stiffened.
Jesses gaze dropped, and he flushed. “I didnt mean to. Id come back to the
house early, and I guess you two only played around when you thought we were
gone.”
“Damn right.” “I didnt watch you or anything, but I heard you making these…sounds. God, it
was so arousing, and I wanted to be the man to make you make them.” “Jess, Im not sure what to do about you,” Kyle admitted. He saw triumph leap
in Jesses gaze and gave another rough laugh. It seemed to Kyle that Jess took any
perceived weakness as something he could exploit to get what he wanted—what he
wanted being Kyle.
“Kyle, just let me have you. If you let me do you once, youll love it. I promise,”
Jesse whispered.
Kyle broke out in a sweat, imagining Jesses hands and mouth and body on
his. “No. The age gap still troubles me, Jess. I need time…”
