“The same.”
“Did you try to climb the tree to his bedroom?” I watched Roger do that all the time when they had a fight. Somehow, Roger always ended up the one apologizing first. Or at all. Owning up to his mistakes wasn’t Danny’s style most of the time.
“The window is blocked with wooden boards.”
I don’t know Danny all that well. Roger is the only link between us, and Danny took a very long time to accept me as someone worthy of his attention. I had to watch Star Wars three times, and recite all the names of the minor characters to be allowed to ‘intrude’ on Danny’s time with Roger. We weren’t really close. Still, it pained me to see him hurting. For all his faults and quirks, he meant well and didn’t deserve to lose such a great mother.
“How can I help? What’s the plan here? Let him cool off? Or should I knock down the door?”
Roger gazes briefly at the floor. I wait as he finishes his tea, with a hand on his left side. “I honestly don’t know.”
Like me, Roger has some difficulty in dealing with emotions. Unlike me, he tries hard to change. I can see he’s struggling with how to help Danny, and I wish I had some wisdom to share. I could tell him dozens of ways to get inside the house and force Danny to get out, but Father never taught me how to deal with grieving. Jacob Hunter didn’t do grieving; there was no time for feelings to get in the way of surviving.
I wonder if he even misses me.
“I’m going to give him one more day. Then you can kick the door down.”
We smile at each other. Today his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. I guess my smile probably doesn’t either. Now that the town is saved, now that my blotched attempted rescue ended with Mrs. Terrence’s death, I have no idea what to do with myself.
I don’t belong here. Redwood doesn’t want me. They wanted my guns, and now they have them. I should leave, but I’m afraid of going back to the cabin and finding it empty.
“I’m glad you are here, Lily. You know that, right?”
My first instinct is to ask him why, but that path leads to things that are better left unsaid. Last time I risked hinting at my feelings, he politely apologized and didn’t properly look at me for weeks. No point in embarrassing myself again.
“Yeah. I know. But you might be the only one.” I nod in Linda Ford’s direction. “Some things don't change, I guess.”
“They’ll come around. Most people are grateful for your help.”
I smirk. “You don’t need to cover for them. I won’t shoot Linda anytime soon.”
“I appreciate the effort,” he says with half a smile. “She's only one woman, anyway. She lost back then; she'll keep losing.”
I don't respond. We finish our tea in silence. If he was out there, with the normal people, he would be circled with attention and small talk. Instead, he followed me into the shadows. I wonder how much grief from the others he’ll get from simply talking to me. Father was right about one thing: We’re no good for each other.
“So, are you going to stay at your house?”
“I guess.” I don’t want to admit to him I’m thinking about leaving again.
“We… Well, we took your generator. We thought you weren't coming back.”
“That's okay. Glad it was put to use.”
I look around the room to avoid his eyes. After my attempt at a confession, sometimes we end up not knowing how to act around each other. Hard to believe it has been two years since I decided the secret was too hard to keep.
The scene is hard to forget. Me, pacing around the front porch, waiting for Roger to come for dinner. Father’s frown when I asked him to go buy groceries with an unnecessarily long list, just so I could be alone with Roger. When he finally showed up, I was a nervous wreck. After what seemed to be an eternity of forced small talk, I blurted out: “let’s go on a date, okay?”
Stupid. After staring at me for a minute, Roger tried to gently explain why he didn’t think it was a good idea. I could recite every single word by memory: We had different opinions about everything that matters, our friendship was too important, he wasn’t ready, he had too much on his plate now that he was running for sheriff; he was a mess, and he couldn’t do that to me.
Worst of all, I nodded and pretended it didn’t hurt. When Father came back with the groceries, I buried myself against his chest. He patted my head, and we never spoke about it ever again.
Afraid the silence will swallow me whole, I try a joke. “You know, this zombie thing isn’t so bad. On the bright side, most politicians are dead by now. Father’s dream did come true, I guess.”
I laugh, but Roger doesn’t. It could be that he doesn’t like joking around about people dying, or it could be because I mentioned Father. Probably both.
“Sorry. Guess that’s not funny.”
He shakes his head a little. “It’s okay. Just… I keep forgetting all the things we lost in this whole mess. Laws. A proper government.”
Every fiber of me wants to roll my eyes. Years of Father’s lectures on politics did their work, because I’m really glad those things are gone. Of course, this just proves Roger was right not to date me. We did have very different opinions on the important stuff. But maybe those things aren’t really important anymore. Maybe I didn’t even care about them in the first place.
“You are not a dictator yet, Roger.” I smile to keep the mood light.
“I hope not.” He chuckles. “Not that Danny didn’t try. He wanted to get rid of the council.”
Danny, for all his faults, had the right idea. In my experience, the council is slow, dumb and picky. When it’s about survival, decisions need to be made quickly and without hesitation.
“Now with Mrs. Terrence gone… Maybe it’s a good idea.”
Instead of disagreeing with me, he clears his throat. “Actually, I’m thinking of…nominating you to take her place.”
I gulp. “Me? That’s… I don’t think anyone wants that.”
“I do.”
Is he serious? “Roger… I don’t know. That’s seems a bit… I don’t think it’s going to work out.”
“I think you would be great. You have the knowledge we need. The council can’t be all about picket fences now, Lily. You know tactics, guns. But more than that, you proved you can place the town’s survival above your… above everything else. I trust your judgment. I can’t imagine anyone better for the job. I don’t want just anyone either. I want you.”
He says all of this while moving closer and closer. We stare at each other for a long time. The cup in my hands is completely crumpled. I don’t know what to say or even if it’s a good idea to speak at all. My heart beats too loudly.
“I need some air.”
I throw the plastic cup in the garbage on my way out. I miss. People stare. Outside, I breathe deeply, filling my lungs with the cold night air as it hits my warm cheeks. Not an hour ago I was thinking about leaving, and now Roger wants me to be part of the freaking town council?
“Lily…” His voice makes me turn around as he comes out of the school, jogging toward me. “Did I say something wrong?”
I hug myself, hoping he’ll think the gesture is because of the cold. “No. It’s just that I… I don’t want to stay here.”
“We can talk at your house or at mine.”
I shake my head, taking a step from him. “I meant staying in town. I’m not sure I can do it.”
Roger shoulders slump. “Oh. I thought you said….”
“I know. Sorry.” I turn around and walk away, arms around myself.
I hear his footsteps behind me. He places his coat over my shoulders. “You don’t have to be on the council. I’m sorry I suggested it. Just stay. Being alone out there is a death sentence.”
It's not a surprise Roger assumes Father left me. It still hurts anyway.
“Not to me. I’m going to be fine.”
My steps are faster now, but he insists on following me. “Lily, come on. Please don’t leave. I….”
“People her
e look at me like I’m a crazy murderer. They hate me. And I hate them too.”
“But you still came to save them anyway. I know you. You are better than them; you want to do the right thing. If for some reason you think that by staying you are betraying Jacob—”
I stop. He almost bumps into me. I cross my arms and turn sharply to face him. “This has nothing to do with Father. Don’t bring him into this.” Besides, the moment I left, I already betrayed him.
There’s no going back. Even if I wanted to, Father wasn’t waiting for me back at the cabin. He taught me everything he could, including that choices have consequences, for better or worse.
He shakes his head and sighs. “Okay. Then what’s going on?”
Closing my eyes, I struggle to put into words my frustration, “I tried helping and look what happened. She died because of me, Roger. I messed up. I can’t help the town. The only thing I’m good at is….” I almost say hunting with Father, but stop myself. “I’m just good at shooting deer.”
He takes my hands into his. “It wasn’t your fault. Mrs. Terrence knew what she was doing; she made her choice. She didn’t blame you, and you shouldn’t either.”
“But the rest of the town—”
“They’ll come around.”
“Why would they?” Zombies or not, this town is still the same. I’m still the same.
“Last time I gave up on you before even trying, and I was wrong.” He sighs again, looks at the ground quickly and then back at me. “I thought that asking for your help, asking you to stay, was selfish. And maybe it was. But it was wrong to give up because you deserve to know.”
My lip is bleeding from me biting it too hard. “I deserve to know what?”
Every inch of my body is aware of how close we are now. Roger’s coat is warm and smells like gunpowder and aftershave. Like him. “That you belong in this town. This place is just as much yours as Linda’s, Frank’s, or anybody’s. This is your home and, if you want to, then you should stay and show them who you really are. Because you’re a good person, Lily Hunter, and everyone will see that eventually.”
Nothing beats Roger’s pep talks. He always finds a way to make the impossible sound reasonable. With him, I almost feel like I’m… normal.
“Okay. I’m giving it a shot. But if things go south and I punch Linda, it’s your fault.”
He smiles brightly. “I can accept that risk.”
We laugh, than stare at each other. I don’t think my heart has ever beaten faster than this. Roger clears his throat. “Now that you are staying, maybe you can start teaching me how to hunt."
“Really? Last time you saw a dead deer, you made up an excuse and ran away to vomit.” I give him a smile.
He laughs. “True. But in my defense, you were skinning one at the time.”
The fact is, I did that on purpose. The first time Father took me to hunt, both boys kept pestering me about it, like it was an adventure they needed to see too. They couldn’t understand I wanted to be alone with Father, so I showed them that killing an animal is messy and serious, not some fun trip to the woods. Danny probably still has nightmares about it.
Roger places a hand on the back of his neck. “Things are different now. It’s not a question of personal taste. It’s survival. Our supplies will run out eventually. And Hank's pigs won't feed the whole town."
“Hunting won't help all that much. Even if we kill all the deer in the woods, it won't feed half of these people. And then we will be without any game for next year.”
“Yeah, I figured as much.” He shifts his body’s weight from leg to the other. “Actually, this was my poor attempt at asking you out on a date.”
My mouth opens agape. Heat rises to my cheeks and ears. “Oh. I… Really?”
He chuckles. “It's okay if you don't want to.”
I step forward, afraid he’ll back out. “That's not it. I really… I'm okay with that.”
The dimples on each side of his smile are adorable. I can't stop staring at his brown eyes. My own desire to kiss him almost outweighs my embarrassment. I can’t believe he actually asked me out.
“But… Roger, what about, you know?”
“The zombies? Danny? I’m sure we can deal with any zombies we find on the woods. And, Danny, well… He needs his time.”
I shake my head. “Not that. I mean what we talked about, before this whole thing. That night. On the porch.”
His hand goes again to the back of his neck. He’s as embarrassed as I am. There’s some comfort in that. “I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. It kind of never did.”
I tilt my head to the side and raise an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“Doesn’t matter anymore. I want to give us a shot. I don’t care about anything else. I was… I made a mistake back then. I hope you still—”
My hands grab him by the neck, pulling him against me. Our mouths collide. His coat falls down to the ground. I feel his hands on my back, and shivers spread all over my body. I force his mouth open wide to make room for my tongue. I’m vaguely aware we are in the middle of the street, without guns or paying attention to our surroundings, but it doesn’t matter. The only things that matter are his hands traveling across my back and the taste of his tongue exploring my mouth. It tastes like chamomile tea.
When our hands move to places less chaste, he moves back, releasing me like I just shocked him with electricity. My frustration has no bounds.
“Lily—”
“No talking.”
I take him by the hand and grab him toward my house with a smile.
The Geek IX
December 18th, Friday, 4 am
Ma raises her sleeves, revealing a deep bite on her right arm.
People talk around me. I see their mouths moving, but my ears don’t register any sounds. Finally, Roger’s hand on my shoulder shocks me to the bone. I struggle him off me.
“We can fix this, okay? Just… Just let me think. It’s… I can fix this. Maybe if we cut your arm off, right? Maybe then you’ll be okay, prevent the infection from spreading but then… Then you’ll bleed out before we get to town. Fuck. I need to go to Whitefield’s hospital. Why didn’t I go a month ago like I wanted? It’s okay. I can do this. The trip isn’t that long.”
“Danny….” Ma grabs my hands. “Please.”
I brush her off. “Ma, stop. Don’t distract me. I’m thinking. Just… Don’t talk, all right? I have to fix this.”
I can hide her in the house. Lock her up. I just need to be careful. It’s doable; it’s okay. It makes sense. I don’t care if this never ends well in the movies. I can make it work.
“Danny. Look at me, honey. You can’t fix this.”
I shake my head. She tries to take my hands into hers, but my feet move back. I look at the ground, black and red. Everything was going so well; we saved the town; we defeated the crazy sociopath. Now she’s bitten? This can’t be happening. It just can’t.
“It’s okay. You are going to be okay.”
Blinking, I raise my head to face her. “Okay? I’m going to be okay? You are dying. Dying. Don’t you get it? It’s not going to be okay. It won’t ever be okay!”
She says nothing. I close my eyes hard, head almost exploding from blood pumping into my brain. Everything is fucked up. All I wanted was to keep her safe, to keep everyone safe. “I told you to leave. Why couldn't you just listen for once?”
Her expression is blank. No pursed lips, no pout or frown. She’s white as a ghost. “Because you are my son, and I love you. I couldn’t leave you behind. I don’t regret staying. I needed to save you. Now you need to do this for me.”
She places a gun in my hands. My eyes widen. I’m trembling. My eyes sting with tears. I feel lightheaded, like I’m out of my body, watching this scene from afar. Yet it hurts so much, I can’t speak. I want to scream at her to stop this. Scream and scream, and never stop until I’m out of breath, with not a single ounce of air inside my lungs. I want to scream until my throat is ripped apar
t. Anything to stop feeling like this.
Instead, I beg. “Ma… I can’t.” I let out a sob. “I can’t. Please let’s just go home.”
Her smile feels like a punch into the stomach. She can’t smile right now. It’s not fair. She can’t do this to me.
“Danny, please. I can’t do this on my own. I can’t pull the trigger alone. You are my son. You are strong. You are brave. You can do this for me.” She reaches my cheek, a cold hand freezing my whole body.
“Ma, I can’t do this. Don’t make me do this.”
“You need to. You’ll never forgive Roger or Lily, if they do it. You need to be brave. Please. I don’t want to come back. Don’t let me hurt anyone.”
“You won’t. I won’t let you. I’ll keep you safe, away from everyone.”
She shakes her head. Her eyes are bloodshot red, and her skin is yellowing. “I can’t let you do that, not after everything we did to keep the town protected. Please, Danny. Before it’s too late.”
My lips tremble. I can’t stop crying. “Ma….”
Her hands close mine around the gun. She points the thing against her temple. I wince, and close my eyes. When I open them again, my vision is blurry.
I place my finger on the trigger.
She smiles. The same smile she gave me when I tried to reach for the Christmas cookies before they were ready. Or when I told her about a really good movie I just had seen, nodding happily without really understanding a word I said. The smile she reserved for Dad’s good days. The one she opened up when a student made her proud. When I made her proud.
“I’m sorry, Ma. I’m so sorry. I screwed up. I fucked up. How am I going to live without you? Half the time I don’t even know how to be human. I’m just a fucking dumb idiot. I need you.”
“You are going to be fine. More than fine—you are going to be great. You’ll find happiness again, Danny. You’ll do the right thing, and keep the town safe. I have faith in you. Just watch your language, all right? For your Ma.”
I let out a half-laugh, half-sob.
She places a hand on my shoulder. “I love you, son.”
Those Who Remain (Book 2) Page 8
