by Zoe York
“Until I go on tour. I just don’t want to hurt you.”
“Maybe we should talk about this in a couple of weeks. Go on a few more dates. Actually have sex. Maybe it’s a moot point and we’ll lose interest in each other.” She meant that to be light as well, but her voice cracked.
“I’m pretty sure what we just did counts as sex. And really, we’ve been dating as friends for months now.”
“So what are you saying?”
His grip tightened around her and she matched his gesture, wrapping her arms more snuggly around him as well.
“I don’t want to assume anything here, angel.”
“I don’t follow.”
“What do you see in your future?”
A tall, strong, kind, and noble Navy SEAL who comes and goes. But she wasn’t going to admit that just yet. “I like being a real estate agent. I want to buy my own house. Find someone to share it with me.” She took a deep breath, because this was where she feared their paths diverged. “Not right now, but sometime in the near future, maybe children.”
It took him a long time to respond and when he did, his voice was raw. “You deserve all of that.”
“It’s okay if that’s not what you see for yourself. It doesn’t change that I want you here and now. It doesn’t change anything between us.”
“It kills me that another man will give you all of that happiness.” The rawness of his voice shocked her, and she wanted to prop herself up on her hands and look at him, but she didn’t want to risk shutting down the conversation, either.
“You’re giving me the happiness I need right now,” she whispered. “That’s all hypothetical. All I need right now is to feel beautiful and wanted.”
He stroked her hair. “I almost lost it on Saturday night when you asked me to zip up your dress.” He ran his hand up her spine. “All this bare skin… God, never doubt how sexy you are to me, Cass.”
She pressed a kiss to his neck. “That’s all I need from you, baby. Don’t worry about the rest.”
Cassie drifted off soon after that, but Jared stayed awake long into the middle of the night.
He wanted to be the man she wanted for the rest of her life. It was crazy, totally insane, but he knew with every fiber of his being that Cassie was the one for him.
And she just wanted sex.
A small part of him tried to say that wasn’t quite what she’d said, but the bigger part—the unexpectedly emotional part that he’d kept locked down good and tight until this week—felt like he’d been weighed and measured and come up wanting.
Except she wasn’t rejecting him. She just wasn’t asking him for anything.
Fuck, he wanted her to ask him for the moon. He didn’t have the education or flight experience to be an astronaut, but he’d make it happen. He’d do anything for her. He’d die for her.
Damn it. In his late-night wallowing, he’d forgotten that he was the one who’d thrown up those boundaries and for good reason. Because he could die and leave her alone. And before that happened, he’d leave her alone, over and over again.
That Cassie wanted him at all was a miracle. That she’d accept he could only give her a few months was icing on top. Dawn was breaking as he finally drifted off. Cassie had rolled onto her side as she’d fallen asleep, and he wrapped himself around her again.
When he woke up, he was alone and the scent of coffee wafted from the kitchen. He made a quick pit stop in the bathroom to wash up, then found Cassie in the kitchen. She was wearing the same thing she’d slept in, a t-shirt and panties, and the sight of her tapping a spatula against her long, bare legs instantly made him hard.
“I thought I was going to make you breakfast,” he growled, sweeping her up in his arms. He nipped at her ear and nuzzled her neck, relishing how she felt under his lips.
“You were sleeping so soundly.” She smiled over her shoulder. “Tomorrow will be your turn.”
“It’s our third date. I should treat you.”
She lowered her lashes and her cheeks turned pink.
“You need to tell me what you just were thinking.” He loved how free and open she was with her sexuality behind closed doors. It was like a gift just for him.
“If I make you breakfast, then you can treat me by…” She trailed off and grinned. “Doing the dishes.”
He tickled her waist. “That’s so not what you were thinking.”
She shook her head slowly. “No.”
“Well?”
She turned in his arms, hooked her thumbs in her panties, and slid them to the floor. “We’ve got ten minutes before the frittata comes out of the oven. You could treat me to an orgasm appetizer.”
He lifted her by her hips, laughing at her surprised yelp, and set her bare bottom on the edge of the counter. He dropped to his knees and kissed one thigh, then the other, nudging her legs apart with his head. “You can have two.”
She leaned back, bracing herself on her hands, and he pulled her right to the edge of the counter and slid her knees over his shoulders. She was wet already, slippery and sweet, and he dived in. He’d never get enough of her taste. He kissed her deeply there, making love to her with his mouth, and when she climaxed quickly, he showered her with praise and appreciation for how amazing she was. How giving. How sexy. He gave her all the words he could, hoping they made up for the words he couldn’t risk saying out loud.
When the oven timer dinged, he lowered her feet to the ground and held her in a hug for a moment before she giggled and shoved him back to the bathroom to clean up again.
After they ate, he did the world’s fastest round of dishes then joined her on the couch. But even though he knew what she expected him to do—toss her over his shoulder and race to the bedroom—he couldn’t. Not yet.
“I know you don’t want to talk…”
She looked at him with a resigned smile on her face. “But you do?”
“Come here.” He tugged her close for a kiss. “You’re wonderful.”
“So are you.”
“I keep thinking about you in that house, wanting to fill it with kids.”
She frowned. “That’s not exactly what I said. And it’s in the future, not right now.”
“I know, but I want that for you, too.”
“But not for you.” Her voice was small, but strong. He knew she didn’t want to talk. He knew she didn’t care—right now. But he was like a dog with a bone, and he watched as if having an out-of-body experience as he dove in again.
“I can’t be there for you. You deserve someone who can hold your hand through doctor’s appointments and labor. Take turns doing diaper changes and rocking a fussy baby.”
“Hypothetically speaking, since you won’t let this go… If you were ever in that position with someone. Me, or another woman, at some point in your future…” She trailed off and gave him another frown, this one more obviously grumpy. “You’d do all of that when you’re here. And when you couldn’t, it would be because you’re doing something just as important somewhere else.”
A cold chill crawled up his spine. “I don’t want that with anyone else.”
She jumped up, and he stood too, but gave her space. “It’s a fucking hypothetical, Jared. Just the same way you keep saying I’ll find someone else.”
“You deserve to be number one—”
“Stop telling me what I deserve, and start explaining what you’re afraid of. What’s got you running scared from hauling me into the bedroom and doing what I thought you were dying to do? Because it’s not actually sex you’re scared of. You proved over and over again yesterday that you’re totally comfortable with that.”
“That wasn’t sex.”
“Sure it was. A stupidly smart guy I know said something like, pretty sure it counts.” She dropped her voice an octave as she mimicked him. “If you’re having second thoughts, if this doesn’t mean anything—”
“I didn’t say it doesn’t mean anything. Jesus, Cassie. You mean the world to me.”
“Not enough to hang on t
o.”
“I leave, angel. All the time. Sometimes suddenly and without any explanation.” He scrubbed his face with both hands. “It’s not about me wanting to hang on to you. I’d selfishly keep you to myself until the end of time. But everything that you want…that isn’t me.”
“Why don’t you let me worry about whether or not you’re what I want?”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re hurting me right now.”
That shut him up.
“Remember last night when you told me you were done talking for the night?” She cocked one eyebrow at him. “We’ve had our third date. Now I want to take you back to bed. It’s Christmas Eve. Let it go.”
“I can’t.”
She laughed. “Why not?”
“Because I love you.” Oh, shit. Too soon, asshole, way too soon. And also, complicating.
The laughter fell away and she just stood there.
“I do. I know it’s too soon, but you lighten my day and you make me laugh and you’re just so good. You’re going to make an awesome mom and a wonderful wife and I can’t stop obsessing about that because I fucking want that for myself. I want you all to myself. Forever.” Jesus, he needed to stop talking. She was staring at him like a deer in the headlights, and he needed to put the brakes on but he couldn’t. “I love you, Cassie. And it scares the shit out of me because I don’t know how to be all that you need.”
She pressed her hand to her mouth and made a soft noise that he couldn’t read as good or bad.
“I’m sorry if that’s too much information.” He dropped his head and stared at the floor.
“You already are all that I need. Decent, loyal, sexy, sweet. A little dumb, maybe, since you don’t know that I love you, too. But maybe I did a better job of keeping that to myself than I thought.”
He jerked his head up, his heart pounding.
“It happened at IKEA. You were standing there looking at rugs and I realized you were everything I wanted. Isn’t that crazy?”
“A little. I was pretty grumpy that day.”
“I like grumpy.”
He should have gone to her, but he was frozen in his spot. They’d barely dealt with the tip of his iceberg of fears. He kept hoping the damn thing would float away, but didn’t seem to be happening. “I worry about leaving you alone.”
She shook her head. “Don’t worry about me. I know you think I’m fragile, but I survived infertility and the break-up of my marriage. I came out of both of those changed. Stronger. I’m not a weak woman who will cry in my cornflakes when things get tough. I can handle a boyfriend who has to go away for long stretches when his work is as important as yours.”
She was strong. He knew that.
And yet…
“What?” She reached out her hand, then dropped it. “Just say it, baby.”
“I don’t want to leave you a single mother,” he burst out. The thought of doing that to her, creating children with her and then robbing them of a father…it tore through his heart like a tungsten blade.
“Oh, Jared.” She flew across the room and into his arms. “That’s not it, baby. That’s not it at all.”
“No, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly it,” he said, each word a sharp confirmation of his greatest fear.
“Your kids will always have a dad. When you’re away, you’ll talk to them. If something happened to you, God forbid, you’ll have left them a legacy of love. If we ever do something as crazy as have kids together, I promise you I’ll never feel like you’ve abandoned me. Not ever. No matter what.”
“It’s so hard, angel.” He buried his face in her neck and breathed in her sweet scent.
“I know,” she whispered, stroking the back of his head. “It’s not fair that you didn’t have a dad. But you won’t leave your child.”
“I will, and I won’t have a choice.”
“That’s not the same thing. Our kids are going to be proud of you. So damn proud. And so will I. But you’ll never leave us for another life. We’ll be your life. I know that in my heart.”
Jared picked Cassie up and cradled her against his chest. “Our kids?”
“Hypothetically speaking.” She wiggled her feet. “This is becoming a regular thing, you carrying me around.”
“Are you complaining?” He adjusted his hold so he could swat her naked bum.
“Nope. Are we done talking now?”
He laughed as he deposited her on the bed. “We’re never going to be done talking. But the topic’s shifted.”
She scrambled onto her knees and pulled off her shirt.
“God, look at you.” He dove at her and they rolled, with her ending up breathless and on top of him as he tugged one aching peak into his mouth, then the other. She rocked her hips, shamelessly rooting for his erection to fill her.
“I need you.”
“Let me make you feel good, first.”
She ached so hard for him, she was staring at feeling good in the rearview mirror. “You did that twice in the kitchen. Fill me up.”
He stretched one long arm for the condom he’d set out on the side table and ripped the package open. His hands were shaking, but she held herself steady over him, waiting.
“How do you want me?” he muttered, nudging the tip of himself against her cleft.
She swivelled her hips. “Uh-uh. How do you want me?”
He flipped her onto her back.
She spread herself wide for him and he groaned appreciatively.
“Touch yourself. Show me.”
She slid her fingers around her clit, then dipped lower, lifting her hips to slowly take two of her fingers inside herself. Jared groaned again. “I’m so tight for you,” she whispered. “All swollen and turned on already. I’m going to come as soon as you slide in.”
He huffed a laugh. “That’ll make two of us.”
That was totally okay by her. “I love you. Hard and fast, sweet and slow. I’m going to love how you take me, every single time.” She stroked down his sheathed erection, coating him in her moisture before guiding him to where they both needed him to be.
As he entered her, he started swearing, and didn’t stop until she’d wiggled her hips, seating him fully inside her. He dipped his head, pressing his mouth to her shoulder, and let out the best incomprehensible sound she’d ever heard.
“You feel amazing,” she whispered.
“Holy fuck,” he said in response, and she laughed.
“No laughing,” he groaned, pushing himself up on his elbows and looking down at her. “I’m so close.”
“Then fuck me.” She grinned, pulsing her hips.
He pulled his hips back, then surged forward again, making her gasp.
“Oh God, are you okay?” He froze.
She nodded. “Do it again.”
He did, more tentatively this time, but on the third thrust instinct took over, he wrapped himself around her, and lost himself in the rhythm. Cassie didn’t try to follow him over the cliff—she wasn’t there yet, and this was just for him.
She was pretty sure he’d want to do it again before she even cooled down a little, anyway.
He held himself inside her as he twitched though his orgasm, then reached between them to hold on to the condom as he withdrew. He didn’t look at her as he sorted himself out, but he didn’t go far. He pulled her to his chest, carefully avoiding her gaze the whole time, and she just waited. He’d proven over and over again he wasn’t shy about talking about whatever was on his mind. Better to let him bull-in-a-china-shop his way through whatever was going through his head.
“Next time will be better,” he muttered against her hair.
“It was fine,” she whispered. “I can’t wait to do it again.”
“It might be a while before I don’t lose my mind every time.”
“That’s okay.” She smiled to herself. That was more than okay. That made her feel awesome. “How are you feeling?”
He reached for her hand and tugged it to his co
ck. “Like I want back inside you already.”
She rolled onto her stomach and lifted her hips in the air. “If you take me like this, I’ll come really quickly.”
With the speed of a jungle cat, he’d found another condom and climbed between her legs from behind. She pressed her ass high in the air, and he rewarded her with a soft, sweet rub of his hand against her sex. “So pretty,” he muttered, turning her pink again. She buried her face in the pillow, and then it was just feelings. The width of his crown pressing against her folds. The aching sweetness as he stretched her from the inside out. The slow pull and slide as he filled her, over and over again, and this time it was better. It was perfect. Slow and sweet, unbelievably hot, and when she cried out, he joined her, folding over her body from behind.
Later that night—after an extended nap and more lovemaking—she introduced Jared to her family as her new boyfriend. It didn’t matter that her family was cold and awkward. Beside her was the warmest, sweetest, strongest man she’d ever met. And he was all hers.
Epilogue
18 months later
“Are you waiting for someone?”
Cassie blinked up at the nurse. She hadn’t heard her come into the room. “I’m sorry?”
“Before the doctor comes in should I get anyone from the waiting room for you?”
She shook her head. She was on her own for this pregnancy.
She pressed her hand to the small round of her belly. IVF had worked on the second go-round. She’d wanted to wait after the first one didn’t take because Jared had been about to leave on a long deployment, but he’d pointed out that if it worked, he’d be home for the first three months with the baby. That logic won out.
Now she was sixteen weeks along. She hadn’t seen her husband since shortly after the positive pregnancy test. They were going to meet up in England for a quick visit in a week, and she didn’t know how he’d react to her changing body. In clothes, she just looked chubby, totally thick through the middle. At least her boobs were full and bouncy, although he wouldn’t be able to touch them, so that had limited appeal. Except he’d be so gentle, she thought, a shiver wracking her body.
