Audri says, like the cartoon?
I laugh, then say not even close.
Grandfather knew that people care about their families more than anything. So he made products that families would value from factories that felt like home.
In 1960, Legacy started free after-school programs and summer camps for kids of employees. They gave away Disney vacations and luxury cars to workers with straight-A students. Soon everyone wanted a job at Legacy, especially Grandfather’s own son.
When Father was eight, Grandfather created Mini Mavericks, a business club for kids who dreamt of working at Legacy one day. Today, my father, Richard Ponnowitz IV (not Ed), is the CEO. Rosemary Ponnowitz (not Carla), the girl who sat beside him in the first Mini meeting, is the head of Research and Development. She is also my mother.
And I, Daniel Randolph Ponnowitz (not Jagger), am the president of that club.
I am the youngest of three boys. An accident but not a mistake, says Mother.
Audri applauds.
I am relieved.
Then I’m not. I haven’t gotten to the bad part yet. Now I will.
I ask if she ever had career day.
She did. Sixth grade. Sheridan said if they chose the same career they could share an apartment in New York and eat chocolate croissants three times a day. Audri had always dreamt of living with Sheridan and she loved chocolate croissants so she chose actress.
But deep down inside, Audri wanted to be a street-namer. She lives on Vaji Boulevard and no one pronounces it properly. Instead of Va-hee everyone says Vadg-ee and she wants to change that because it’s super embarassing. Also the job itself seemed important and fun and that’s always ideal.
I say I wanted to be president of Legacy Hygienics.
She is not surprised.
I say you’re about to be and go straight to the part where I’m in the auditorium.
The whole school is there. But I’m not nervous. I’m proud. I have slides, color brochures, and product samples for everyone.
I begin my presentation with the company motto: At Legacy Hygienics we value what you value—Pure Family.
Audri says it sounds great.
I say it was. Until some eighth-grade girl yells YOUR FAMILY MAKES TAMPONS!
(The T-word lands like a punch.)
She asks what I did.
I say I stood there while everyone laughed. Then someone threw a T-word on the stage and they laughed harder.
I should have been born into the Target family instead because that’s what I became.
Remember Pat? The guy I said was a navy SEAL? He isn’t. He’s just a raging bully from my old school.
Pat changed my name from Daniel Ponnowitz to DanPonn. Get it? Sounds like that word I don’t like to say.
Audri says, like her street name.
I smile but only for a second.
I tell her I spent all three years of middle school being called DanPonn and dodging T-words and wishing I had never been born.
Audri asks if Pat is the guy my parents beat up. If he’s the reason they’re on death row.
I say no. My parents didn’t beat up anyone. They aren’t on death row. This is their estate. They are inside right now watching Jimmy Kimmel Live!.
Audri doesn’t say anything. Then she does.
Q: Why the lies?
A: We moved to a new district where no one knew me. I could start over. I could not come from a family that made T-words or have a name that sounds like the word I can’t say.
Q: And you thought it was better to come from a family that was going to the electric chair?
A: I know. It’s kind of stupid. Pat has a tattoo of an electric chair on his arm. That’s how I thought of it I guess.
Q: Don’t you have to be eighteen to get a tattoo?
A: He’s in eleventh grade now. His brother is a tattoo artist so…
Q: Was he really at Octavia’s party?
A: Yeah.
Q: Why?
A: Dunno. Crashed, I guess.
Q: Why Jagger?
A: I like it.
Audri says I could have started fresh without making up all those stories.
I say that was the plan. Then one lie led to another and then she happened and I really liked her.
Q: So?
A: So, it isn’t me you like. It’s Jagger. And I was afraid that you wouldn’t like Dan as much.
She says I’m wrong about that.
I say, I am?
She says yeah. I don’t like either one of you.
She says she is sick of lies. Her mother lied to her father and that’s why they split up.
I promise her the truth from this point on.
Audri says it’s too late. She takes off the glow-stick crown and drops it on the Adirondack chair. She says it was nice knowing me… or not knowing me… or whatever that was. Then she leaves. The vanilla smell goes with her. I feel even heavier than before. So heavy I can’t walk to the house. I fall asleep in a bed of leaves and glow stick crowns and hope I never wake up.
Lie #20: I didn’t tell Audri any of that because I don’t want her to leave me in the woods. I don’t want her to leave me anywhere. Ever. That’s the truth.
October 18th
Great news! I’m not in juvie! Ver? I’m in the kitchen waiting for the Domino’s guy68 thanks to Lily’s parents.
According to Blake69 they made Lily drop out of Noble because she “lost her way.” According to my skin, I haven’t been this relieved in months.
Those who know and admire me get that I’m not one to find pleasure in the pain of others. And I have dozens of humanitarian awards, including but not limited to a current project with Haitian orphans to prove it. That said, I am also not used to being threatened, so the shedload of jubilation I feel in her absence is totally out of character for me.
Most importantly, Lily has not made any more attempts to contact Principal Alden so I have decided not to confess. Instead, I vow to never, EVER commit said crime again. My focus is back and I’m ready to dominate. At least it will be. Just as soon as things calm down between me and Blake.
Ver? Now that Lily is gone we’ve put the “in” and “able” in “inseparable” and the “us” in “jealous”. I swear, guys whisper when Blake and I walk by. Girls stare in that I-want-to-be-her kind of way. It’s like middle school all over again.
Finally!
Saturday
Feeling = Like I had been sent to the principal’s office. Except it was Saturday and the waiting room didn’t smell like ink. Which was a bummer because breathing in ink is better than whatever Trendemic was pumping through the vents. I zipped my hoodie over my nose.
The secretary looked like Megan Fox but that’s not why I was staring. I was staring because the wall behind her desk was covered in leaves and I swear I saw her pick a few off and eat them.
Feeling = Megan Fox? More like Megan Giraffe.
I put on my headphones and blasted Wiz Khalifa. Then Sheridan FaceTimed me. I ignored it because I didn’t want her to see where I was. I couldn’t call her back because she’d hear the Trendemic music and how would I explain gongs and wind chimes? So I texted.
ME: Hey. What up?
SHERIDAN: Where are you? Just FT’ed.
ME: Really? Didn’t see it. How did it go last night?
I was talking about the Logan scam. Last I heard Octavia was all pumped up because she asked Logan if he wanted to take the BMW out again and he said yes. Which proves he was using Sheridan for the car, or something like that. I yawned and went deaf when Sheridan explained the setup so I don’t completely understand it. Anyway, Logan took the car last night and I couldn’t wait for that buttnugget to get caught.
SHERIDAN: Mission accomplished!
Feeling = Yes!
SHERIDAN: Waiting to see if Dad’s going to press charges. Fingers crossed.
ME: Did A.J. get his job back?
SHERIDAN: He will.
ME: Yes!
I wanted to ask more b
ut Megan Giraffe said It Guy #71470?
That’s my Trendemic number so I said yeah.
She said Anton will see you now.
I told Sheridan that I had to walk the dogs, then I followed the Giraffe over a bridge made of video screens. I stepped on some male model’s chin with my dirty sneaks.
Feeling = Ha!
Anton was as orange as ever. His hair, which was black last Friday, was blond. I thought of that spray-tan mom on YouTube and laughed inside my mouth.
Giraffe handed Anton a beaker filled with green liquid. He dumped it down the back of his throat and then handed it back to her all smeared and gross. She smiled like he had just given her the new PS3, then bolted.
Feeling = Don’t leave me alone with him.
Feeling = Why is he staring at me?
Feeling = Say something!
Feeling = I can’t take this anymore.
ME: What?
ANTON: You tell me.
ME: Huh?
ANTON: September 24, 2012…
ME:
ANTON: Trendemic lent you two thouuu-zand five hunnndred dollars. Of which you have paid back… (He clicked a few buttons on his keyboard)… Four hundred twenty-six.
ME: I know. I’m sorry. I kind of wanted to talk to you about that.
(He was staring again.)
ME: It’s not that I don’t want to pay you back. I’m trying. It’s just been kinda hard.
ANTON: I’m sorry, #71470. How about I DM the Almighty and see if He could make life a little easier for you.
Feeling = Glad my sister Amelia wasn’t there. She would have said the Almighty is a She and that would have pissed him off even more.
ME: It’s just that you want me to sell glow-in-the-dark skinny jeans and polka-dot turtlenecks and suspenders made of bicycle chains and body spray called Animaul…
ANTON: And?
ME: And the people I know aren’t into that stuff.
ANTON: What kind of people are these?
ME: Americans.
He handed me a remote control and clapped twice. The screen behind his desk lit up.
ANTON: You have one more chance. Press the SAVE button every time you see something you can sell. Press NEXT to skip it.
The lights went out and a pair of shorts made from recycled balloons came on the screen.
Feeling = NEXT.
ANTON: It will take three hours to get through all of our products so try not to need me. I’m going to brunch.
ME: But I have basketball practice.
ANTON: Do you have $2074.00 in the pockets of those ill-fitting jeans?
ME: No.
ANTON: Then I suggest you practice tomorrow.
ME: If I miss this I’ll get kicked off the team.
ANTON: Teenage Boy problems.
Feeling = Really, Anton? Because unless you’re forcing other dudes to give up basketball so they can shop for Lady Gaga clothes, I’d say this problem is all mine.
10.20.12
INT. LIVING ROOM SOFA—LATE AFTERNOON.
SHERIDAN hides behind the plastic potted plant outside her FATHER’S study, eavesdropping on the conversation between her DAD, LOGAN, and MR. PRATT—LOGAN’S DAD.
Thanks to my well-crafted scheme, Vanessa’s brother A.J. “happened” to be at the dealership when Logan and Octavia returned from Joyride 2—The Sequel. According to A.J. this is how it went down.
FLASHBACK.
EXT. SPENCER BMW BACK LOT—NIGHT.
An M3 GTR screeches to a stop. The DRIVER parks and cuts the engine. The headlights snap off. LOGAN and OCTAVIA emerge from the stolen vehicle, giggling. Believing they’ve gotten away with their crime, they exchange a victorious high-five. OCTAVIA suggests celebrating with MIKE’S HARD PUNCH when a dark figure emerges from behind the SERVICE GARAGE.
Well if it isn’t The Fast and the Furious! (A.J.)
Who said that? (Logan.)
Who said that? (A.J. mocking him.)
Seriously, who? (Logan.)
Seriously, who? (A.J. mocking him, again.)
Let’s get out of here. (Octavia.)
Pump the breaks, Blondie. (A.J.) You’re busted.
Why? What did I do? (Octavia.)
Grand theft auto. (A.J.)
It wasn’t theft. Sheridan Spencer gave me the keys and it’s her dad’s dealership so—. (Octavia.)
It’s true. (Logan.)
Don’t bring Sheridan into this. (A.J.)
Um, I just did. (Octavia.)
Well, don’t. (A.J.)
Why not? (Octavia.)
A.J. said his brain stopped beating when she said that because he didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t want to tell him that brains don’t beat because some doctor might discover that they do beat and then I’d be the idiot. So I just said, what’d you tell her?
A.J. said he told Octavia that he had a video of the whole thing. And if she brought Sheridan into it he’d turn it over to the authorities.
And if I don’t bring Sheridan into this? (Octavia.)
You walk. (A.J.)
Yes! Let’s go. (Logan.)
Not you. Just the girl. (A.J.) You have to confess to Mr. Spencer so I can get my job back.
Sounds fair. (Octavia.)
It does not! (Logan.)
You drove. (Octavia.)
You gave me the keys. (Logan.)
I got them from Sher—
Hey! Leave her out of it. (A.J.)
Oops. (Octavia.)
Do we have a deal? (A.J.)
Works for me. (Octavia, right before she bolted.)
Now Logan is in Dad’s office confessing. And thanks to A.J.’s beautiful beating brain, I’m not.
END FLASHBACK.
SHERIDAN presses her ear against the door.
This is what I hear: Mumble… mumble… I’m not looking to ruin anyone’s future… That’s a relief… mumble… laughter… Logan, you could have been in an accident… Or worse… Logan mumbles something… silence… Mr. Pratt says something about the Noble Country Club… Best golf course in the Tristate… Five-year waiting list… and something about Logan being a great caddy. Dad says he likes the sound of that… He doesn’t sound angry anymore… Mr. Pratt asks if they have a deal… Dad mumbles… Logan says, THANK YOU, SIR!
Footsteps.
They’re coming.
To Be Continued…
END SCENE.
Oct. 21.
Audri goes to stay at her dad’s for the weekend. Before she leaves she says she’s going to miss me. Then she asks me to stay in touch.
Lie #21-How? Street urchins like me don’t exactly have phones.
Turns out that lie should have come with a warning label: Side effects may include: sudden loss of Audri, severe Audri withdrawal, and feeling like those Central Park horses who are forced to wear blinders. Because not communicating with Audri for an entire weekend is like not being allowed to see.
I know she is somewhere in Montclair. But the rest? Like who she’s hanging with, if she misses me, what time she’s been going to bed, what she is wearing… Blind.
The only thing I do know was that she’ll be home at 6 PM.
Lie #22: I just so happen to be biking on Vaji Boulevard at 5:59 PM.
Mr. Dunsing drops her off at 6:02 PM.
He asks Audri if she wants him to stay until her mom gets home.
Audri says no. It’s okay. Her friend Jagger will wait with her.
I smile like the word “friend” doesn’t sting.
Audri invites me inside.
Her living room isn’t all tidy and still like mine. The blankets on the couch aren’t folded into crisp triangles and draped over the back the way Mother likes it. They’re in a heap. Crumpled up girl magazines are all over the coffee table. Pages of models have been torn out and dropped onto the rug. There’s a smudged flat-screen above the fireplace. It’s the kind of fireplace that turns on with a key. I tell Audri it’s the kind of place that makes me want to eat a huge plate of Hot Pockets and watch a Shark Tank
marathon.
It’s not that great, she says.
Let’s agree to disagree, I say. Because I think it’s perfect.
And it smells like roses. Maybe because there are vases of them everywhere.
Audri bets they’re from Wreck-It Ralph. That’s what she calls the guy who wrecked her parents’ marriage. She knows he’s still in the picture even though her mom swears he’s not because who goes out and buys herself a billion roses?
Lie #23: I say no one, even though Mother did that to make Father jealous so he’d propose.
Audri says I can sit on the couch if I want.
I do.
She asks if I wants a Coke.
Lie #24: Sure.
I really don’t because Coke makes me burp but I don’t want to tell her that, so…
We’re looking through an IKEA catalogue to find Swedish names for Wreck-It Ralph..
I say Frykantig.
She counters with Sparsam.
We agree on Knutstorp.
We’re laughing pretty hard when the inside pocket of my coat rings.
I freeze. I sweat. I take a long sip of soda.
Audri looks at me.
It rings again.
Q: Is that a phone?
A: Surprise!
- I thought you were a street urchin.
Lie #25: Randy got it for me. He’s expecting a new shipment of exotic pets and wants to be able to reach me so I could help him unload.
Audri asks if Randy is getting any sugar gliders.
Lie #26: I say yes.
Q: What’s with you and sugar gliders, anyway?
A: For one thing they’re even cuter than mice, and they fly.
Q: Isn’t that two things?
Audri flicks my arm.
Lie #27: Ouch!
I pretend it hurts so I can flick her back.
Then it’s kind of awkward for a minute so we both take sips of Coke.
–Did you know that sugar gliders are extremely social, Audri says. Like if they don’t get enough love they die.
I have to burp. I close my mouth and shoot the gas out my nostrils. It stings so bad my eyes water.
Audri thinks I’m tearing up because sugar gliders are so tragically sweet. I say she’s my sugar glider. Audri says I’m hers.
I ask her to clarify. Am I your sugar glider or your “friend”? I make those stupid air quotes so she knows I’m talking about the way she introduced me to her dad.
She smiles all crookedly and then asks what I want to be.
License to Spill Page 4
